Trying to find a way to connect

[Alwayswilling]

Hello there this is my first time posting after reading so many helpful posts by other partners and family members. So here it goes.
My partner got diagnosed with bpd/cptsd earlier this year. My intuition about certain events over the last few years gave me some relief once the diagnosis happened. I was happy she confided in me and I got the recommended literature..listened to certain books Stop Walking on Egg Shells revised version of this book for families, Co Dependent No More, more literature. Surprisingly what I learned most was my contribution to the triggers but most importantly how to take my life back and work on my own issues so I can be a better supportive partner.
I also realized how much my self-esteem my natural confidence and outlook on life took a major hit..it snuck up on me and I realized I was a beginning to be a shell of myself.
 I feel though with reading some of these posts and doing work on myself and taking the main advice by everyone which take care of yourself the old/new me is coming back and it feels good.
I’m really proud of her for doing therapy and working on herself but it has not been a easy ride.Old accusations and lies, distortion campaigns keep happening and the tools I’m trying to implement for better communication are not working. I’m a very patient person by nature..after two years of emotionally being beat up..it all came out and lost my temper and systematically went through what I’ve been experiencing for over two years and that her behavior has really put a strain on our relationship and others I’ve noticed. As you all know that didn’t end well..even though there was some contrition on her part..victimization and blame were still there. I know we are supposed to remain calm and not take the verbal abuse personally..this time though it was too much and I felt coddling and still walking on egg shells afraid to say certain things was not working..so I snapped and maybe was too honest..and now I feel guilty for being harsh when what was needed was more compassion..but damn that sh@!t is hard sometimes
Long story short I feel like I”m blamed for everything and feel beat up…me being the fp I feel though I’m the main trigger and she wants to end the relationship and not talk to me for a awhile if ever..it’s heartbreaking because I’m trying and doing my best but again the tools suggested are not working and I don’t want to cross the boundary of her not wanting to talk to me..and I don’t want to abandon her but I feel I’m the main trigger.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mitten]

Welcome officially!  Glad to hear that you've been here awhile and now made the next step as a "posting member". 

Are you in therapy as well or only her?