New to the forum

[silentlyscreamin]

Hello all,

I'm just finding this site and it looks like I'm in the right place. My fiance' and I are in the tail end of another episode and I am having a very hard time keeping my cool. I moved out of state to be with her, knowing there were mental and emotional obstacles, but not the extent. She has seen several therapists, but has not been diagnosed and refuses to admit she has BPD. This episode began with me trying to assert boundaries when it comes to her interrupting (texting mostly) during my therapy sessions. But any boundary I impose is met with harsh resistance.

 Knowing the Pandora's Box it may open, I decided to speak up for myself after her last text during my last session. This is not the first time we have had disagreements about my boundaries. I approached it calmly and stated flatly my disappointment without getting judgemental or argumentative. She immediately got defensive, and after that didn't get a rise from me, she went to aggresively offensive. Nothing is off limits to her during a fight.

 I know I shouldn't engage or defend myself during these episodes, but I find it harder and harder to keep my big mouth shut. Especially when she really gets accusing or worse. I know that there is no reasoning with her during these times, but I try anyway. We have these occasions about every other month, and they generally last 2-5 days. We are on day 4 today.

 She was laughing and even cuddling with me last night, so I thought things would be returning to our "normal". This morning, even though she was asking me for a favor, her texts were still accusatory and mean. I have to control myself when answering her so I don't make things worse. I'm tired of having to regulate my behavior and responses so as not to set her off.

 I love her and really do want this to work out, but she would rather say she has DID than admit the truth about her BPD. I want to stay with her, but each new fight I find myself looking at apartments. Lately she's taken to sending me listings herself. I just want to find some way to find a balance without losing myself in the process.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LifewithEase]

Welcome silentlyscreamin

I'm fairly new here myself. New to the board and recently enlightened of BPD but in a marriage for over 10 years.

I want to be fair but your observations should make you think very hard on the long term commitment you'll sign up for.

So much of what you wrote resonated with me:

"We have these occasions about every other month, and they generally last 2-5 days. We are on day 4 today." - years ago I'd track the same pattern. For years I was so confused. No one, not even therapists would acknowledge that there was something to this pattern. I was in the dark and people would just not understand. uBPDw is highly functional and charming so the few I confided in that knew her felt I was imagining or exaggerating.

"This morning, even though she was asking me for a favor, her texts were still accusatory and mean" - this will be the texture of your life. Just this week, my uBPDw went off on me so hard with such appalling terrible language and then not 15 minutes later like nothing had happened asked me for an easy but inconvenient favor. I was like "What?"

"Nothing is off limits to her during a fight." - wait until you are years into the relationship, it seems to only get worse. I've been told by my T that I'm the emotional punching bag because a. I haven't built boundaries and b. uBPDw has an comfort knowing my vulnerabilities

Not sure if this helps but it is one perspective.

[SinisterComplex]

Just quickly chiming in to welcome you to the fam. 

Yes you did find the right place. As I say to all newcomers...sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but happy you found us. You will certainly find this place to be a tremendous resource to help you learn and grow, but also a place to be vulnerable and get your emotional weight off your chest.

I myself and my team as well as the members here have your back and we will be paying attention and always listening.

Please feel free to vent as much as you need to. Share as much you want to and feel free to ask whatever questions you want to.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[silentlyscreamin]

"Nothing is off limits to her during a fight." - wait until you are years into the relationship, it seems to only get worse. I've been told by my T that I'm the emotional punching bag because a. I haven't built boundaries and b. uBPDw has an comfort knowing my vulnerabilities

Thanks for your thoughts LifewithEase. This is something my T has said to me as well. Now that I am starting to place and vocalize my boundaries, she has issues with that. My situation is reversed from yours in that she has already burned bridges with most of her family and other friends, so they mostly sympathize with me.

[Ergonomics]

Welcome! Like what many said here, a lot of what you said really resonates with me as I am going through something very similar. I am fairly new here as well, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I noticed the same negative feedback loop going on between my partner and I as well.

So far, it has really helped me to learn the concept of emotional safety, and becoming a leader who can break that. I noticed that whenever my partner would react badly, I would respond accordingly, which make it even harder for her to react well (and worsens her behavior).

Perhaps this will help you too to not fight fire with fire.

[Buddy Joe]

This is not the first time we have had disagreements about my boundaries. I approached it calmly and stated flatly my disappointment without getting judgemental or argumentative. She immediately got defensive, and after that didn't get a rise from me, she went to aggresively offensive. Nothing is off limits to her during a fight.

No matter how you word it or tell her when she's in a good mood, chances are she would still be triggered and have an episode. I'm a critical thinker or a logical one, I'd like to make sense of her nonsensical behavior. By doing this I just set her off since it puts her in a place that she is being questioned. So instead of pointing out the paradoxical behavior, refrain from engaging because that's the next trap. She got you where she wanted you to be and that is to retaliate and lose your cool.

I love her and really do want this to work out, but she would rather say she has DID than admit the truth about her BPD. I want to stay with her, but each new fight I find myself looking at apartments. Lately she's taken to sending me listings herself. I just want to find some way to find a balance without losing myself in the process.

It's never easy to bank on self-diagnosis. I have a good friend who has DID and that is so far away from how my pwBPD has.

I stayed with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. I decided to move out and this has been good for me. If she doesn't want to move out from her mom's place just yet, I rather stay at my own place. I hate it when others hear or see how we fight because they will never understand her outbursts. If we have our own place perhaps I'd be able to mitigate the situation better. Or that's just my wishful thinking