My sibling hates me

[Iamloved5684]

  I was once my sib with undiagnosed BPD's favourite person and now,  after a super boundary session i had to have for my own sanity when they came to live with me, I have fallen from grace. Despite trying to make up to them it is a cold war btw us. I feel so sad about this as I really love them. Parents have just died and so missing them a lot in my emotional life.

[WalkbyFaith]

I'm so sorry for this loss in your life. It is really a unique grief to lose someone who is still alive. I am suffering missing my siblings as well. My uBPD person is my mother, but because of her I'm now no-contact with my siblings too, because they chose her over me. It's so painful.

[2of3]

I'm sorry for your loss. 

In regards to your sister, while I was trying to deal with my newly widowed mother-in-law and I read that grief can be an incredibly selfish emotion and my mil has always been one of the most selfish people I've ever met. I think that grief exaggerates people's characteristics (good and bad) and so she was selfish beyond comprehension.  Looking at her selfish behaviour as grief helped me be more tolerant and forgiving.

I assume that your sister is also grieving the loss of your parents.  It doesn't mean she hates you.  Given time you may be able to resume a relationship, but right now the grief is exaggerating her selfishness and worst characteristics. I'm sorry that you are alone right now.  I hope that you will seek out support - whether friends, counselling, grief related online forums or a pet.  I'm sorry your sister isn't  capable of providing you love and comfort.

[Mommydoc]

I am so sorry for the loss of both your parents and that at a time you would hope to grieve and support each other that you are in a Cold War situation with your sibling wBPD.

Though my relationship with my sister wBPD has always been contentious, when my father died 6 years ago  her BPD tendencies amplified. It was so confusing to me and it took I while for me to recognize the dysfunction. Her intense blaming,  accusations and rage made no sense to me, and disrupted my own personal grieving. I became afraid, confused, and experienced a lot of unnecessary guilt, torturing myself in the process.

You are ahead of the game in recognizing your siblings BPD which makes them completely focused on their emotions and grief. You are grieving and also lost your parents. Even without BPD, we all have a right and need to grieve in our own way. It looks different for everyone and that is OK. The problem with a person with BPD, is that loss triggers their fear of abandonment and it becomes all about their emotions. Unfortunately you can’t make it better for them. 6 and a half years later and my sister still has a completely false narrative about my fathers death that if not so distorted and tragic, would almost be SNL comical.

Please give yourself permission to focus on what you are feeling, and to focus on your needs. This forum can help in your self care, as a safe place to learn, express your feelings and get advice. Many of us can relate to your experience. The sense of shared experience and struggle is powerful and healing.

[Iamloved5684]

Thankyou so much for your wonderful support. I'm feeling so guilty about the boundaries i set up re my undiagnosed BPD sib which started all this silent treatment. Yet if I'm honest I meant everything but said it too frankly  as at the time I had no resources and was burnt out. At the time I  had NO IDEA that they are uBPD. I've been his caretaker for 20 years and Im over it!  So now I keep going through the past incident in my head and it keeps me awake at night. Its especially hard because we are now sorting out my parents' estate and we have to have face to face meetings. He doesn't look me in the eye and acts as if I'm not there and talks only through our attorney. Im really suffering now that I am just realizing our parents are gone. Please can someone help me?