Help meee ;( please...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I can't manage anymore.. it's been 7 weeks since the breakup and I feel worse than ever.. I really don't wanna live anymore. My daughter is the only reason I'm still here and she will be always the reason for me to get up, go at work, do shopping, cook and do some basic cleaning. After that I am going back to bed and I don't want to do anything else just staring at the wall and diving in my sadness...
I know that relationship with him was a total rollercoaster, I know how much stress I've had because of his behaviour.. yet I do miss him so much. I miss so many things..because there was so much we have shared. He looked after me well and I was always on the first place for him... of course only when it was good between us. Why do I feel like I won't find it anywhere else? Why do I feel like nobody will ever love me and sacrifice so much for me? Why do I feel like I will never be able to have so many things in common with anybody else?
I know he didn't want this breakup ...he did it out of anger again.. he was always doing this and regretting later... If I would speak to him differently in our last conversation, day after the breakup, we would be still together now.. but I wanted him to be gone and I wanted him to finally take some responsibility for his words...and now I regret I didn't fight for him. I regret it but I know that we would be going on this rollercoaster on and on..
What's keeps me away from making any contact is not only fear about his respond or fear for my future...but I also think that if we would be together again I would lose my family and friends.. as they are constantly picking me up from the floor and hating him more than ever for what he has done. I don't think they would forgive me if I ever went back...
Anyway I don't think they really understand.. it's like I would never understand if I haven't gone thru thus rollercoaster. I would probably think "Girl, why are you crying over someone like that? Why would you even let him treat you this way?"
Yah...why...

I wasn't ready for this breakup.. I wasn't ready to live without him. Why am I not getting better with time? Why am I feeling worse than before?
I have had few sessions with therapist, I have started reading a book about inner child and how to fix childhood traumas, I have read hundreds of articles and stories (so many on this forum) and when I felt like I was getting a little bit better, it hit me back again even stronger than before.

I thought I feel bad because I didn't have proper closure, I didn't say all I wanted to say to him. But now I feel like I can't get better because in the back of my head I am hoping I will see him again.

Help me to understand it...

[imstillhere89]

I can't manage anymore.. it's been 7 weeks since the breakup and I feel worse than ever.. I really don't wanna live anymore. My daughter is the only reason I'm still here and she will be always the reason for me to get up, go at work, do shopping, cook and do some basic cleaning. After that I am going back to bed and I don't want to do anything else just staring at the wall and diving in my sadness...
I know that relationship with him was a total rollercoaster, I know how much stress I've had because of his behaviour.. yet I do miss him so much. I miss so many things..because there was so much we have shared. He looked after me well and I was always on the first place for him... of course only when it was good between us. Why do I feel like I won't find it anywhere else? Why do I feel like nobody will ever love me and sacrifice so much for me? Why do I feel like I will never be able to have so many things in common with anybody else?
I know he didn't want this breakup ...he did it out of anger again.. he was always doing this and regretting later... If I would speak to him differently in our last conversation, day after the breakup, we would be still together now.. but I wanted him to be gone and I wanted him to finally take some responsibility for his words...and now I regret I didn't fight for him. I regret it but I know that we would be going on this rollercoaster on and on..
What's keeps me away from making any contact is not only fear about his respond or fear for my future...but I also think that if we would be together again I would lose my family and friends.. as they are constantly picking me up from the floor and hating him more than ever for what he has done. I don't think they would forgive me if I ever went back...
Anyway I don't think they really understand.. it's like I would never understand if I haven't gone thru thus rollercoaster. I would probably think "Girl, why are you crying over someone like that? Why would you even let him treat you this way?"
Yah...why...

I wasn't ready for this breakup.. I wasn't ready to live without him. Why am I not getting better with time? Why am I feeling worse than before?
I have had few sessions with therapist, I have started reading a book about inner child and how to fix childhood traumas, I have read hundreds of articles and stories (so many on this forum) and when I felt like I was getting a little bit better, it hit me back again even stronger than before.

I thought I feel bad because I didn't have proper closure, I didn't say all I wanted to say to him. But now I feel like I can't get better because in the back of my head I am hoping I will see him again.

Help me to understand it...

[SinisterComplex]

I can't manage anymore.. it's been 7 weeks since the breakup and I feel worse than ever.. I really don't wanna live anymore. My daughter is the only reason I'm still here and she will be always the reason for me to get up, go at work, do shopping, cook and do some basic cleaning. After that I am going back to bed and I don't want to do anything else just staring at the wall and diving in my sadness...
I know that relationship with him was a total rollercoaster, I know how much stress I've had because of his behaviour.. yet I do miss him so much. I miss so many things..because there was so much we have shared. He looked after me well and I was always on the first place for him... of course only when it was good between us. Why do I feel like I won't find it anywhere else? Why do I feel like nobody will ever love me and sacrifice so much for me? Why do I feel like I will never be able to have so many things in common with anybody else?
I know he didn't want this breakup ...he did it out of anger again.. he was always doing this and regretting later... If I would speak to him differently in our last conversation, day after the breakup, we would be still together now.. but I wanted him to be gone and I wanted him to finally take some responsibility for his words...and now I regret I didn't fight for him. I regret it but I know that we would be going on this rollercoaster on and on..
What's keeps me away from making any contact is not only fear about his respond or fear for my future...but I also think that if we would be together again I would lose my family and friends.. as they are constantly picking me up from the floor and hating him more than ever for what he has done. I don't think they would forgive me if I ever went back...
Anyway I don't think they really understand.. it's like I would never understand if I haven't gone thru thus rollercoaster. I would probably think "Girl, why are you crying over someone like that? Why would you even let him treat you this way?"
Yah...why...

I wasn't ready for this breakup.. I wasn't ready to live without him. Why am I not getting better with time? Why am I feeling worse than before?
I have had few sessions with therapist, I have started reading a book about inner child and how to fix childhood traumas, I have read hundreds of articles and stories (so many on this forum) and when I felt like I was getting a little bit better, it hit me back again even stronger than before.

I thought I feel bad because I didn't have proper closure, I didn't say all I wanted to say to him. But now I feel like I can't get better because in the back of my head I am hoping I will see him again.

Help me to understand it...

There is no magic wand and no magic words I can say. However, one thing I am going to be very firm on...You matter and you are going to live and do better. No one gets to have that power over you so that you think you don't matter and you don't want to live. No more of that crap okay? Head up and strap in.

Yes, I know you are hurt and the pain seems excruciating and unbearable...most of us here understand and get it so you are not alone.

Obviously, you have plenty of reason to live as you described yourself. However, what I need you to do is for you to start practicing the ideal of living for yourself not for others. Your life matters and you have to find happiness on your own. You can do it and in time I have confidence in you that you will do it.

For the record...there is no such thing as proper closure. That is but a mere fallacy or should I say fantasy? Closure is for you, done by you, and what you make it. You are only in control over yourself, your own behaviors, and how you respond so step back and take this one step at a time.

Please be kind to you and truly...take care of yourself. I cannot emphasize that enough.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[imstillhere89]

Thank you x

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you x

No problem, you are welcome. You keep posting and venting. We got you. This is a fam here. You are down but not out so let us help lift you up. 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Turkish]

What's keeps me away from making any contact is not only fear about his respond or fear for my future...but I also think that if we would be together again I would lose my family and friends.. as they are constantly picking me up from the floor and hating him more than ever for what he has done. I don't think they would forgive me if I ever went back...

This is tough, and I've experienced it. Yet no one can really understand what you're going though unless they've experienced BPD.

The break is still new, and I'd give yourself some grace and time. These relationships aren't easy.

[imstillhere89]

Exactly, people just don't get it. I know they want to help me and they are worried but sometimes they do say things like "why have you been with this for so long", "you've seen red flags from the beginning", "do you really wanna get ill over someone like that?" ..this makes me feel worse..and guilty. Guilty that I have done this to myself and guilty that they are now worried about me. But they call me and they ask how I feel..should I then lie? I can't even lie as they hear my shaking voice...
Today is another day of feeling like sh**. Woke up with this heavy load on my chest..again..and the first thought was him not being here anymore .. I can't force myself to do anything nice for myself. I do have so many little hobbies and I just feel paralysed inside when I try to start any of it. If I could only switch my brain off. Thoughts about him are banging in my head. I feel like I lost my life for good. Therapist advised to get antidepressants from gp. But I can't. I am in the recruitment process to join police forces and being on such a medication will ruin my dream. I need to manage by myself but where to find this strength...

[SaltyDawg]

You must be there for your daughter, keep her as your focus to get through this.  Is he the father of your daughter?

It sucks. 

I see that you have an individual Therapist.  If have any really bad thoughts and your T isn't available, you can't dial 988 in the USA [https://988helpline.org/] 24/7 and they can hook you up with help.

Also suggest going to coda.org and find a local in-person support group [I am looking into this myself as there are no specific BPD groups in my area] -- while these are geared towards substance abuse relationships, what you describe of yourself is classic textbook 'trauma bond' that is typical for codependents.  Almost all BPD relationships are codependent in nature and are a significant subset of being codependent.

I understand fully the stress you are under for wanting to preserve your dream of becoming a police officer -- I initially withheld from getting individual T for related reasons.  The dreaded "Psych eval" that's why I am suggesting coda - its anonymous and usually held at churches or some other low profile location and they are all over the country.

[once removed]

Why am I not getting better with time? Why am I feeling worse than before?

a few reasons, not the least of which is that time doesnt really heal wounds. at best, it dulls the pain. and thats the silver lining: with more time, the pain will become less acute. there will be longer and longer periods that you dont think of him, and it will begin to hurt less when you do. it may not have happened yet, but it will.

another reason is that as we heal, it can create space for us to process things we hadnt been able to before. so, in a sense, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. i know the worst of the pain lasted me several months.

Anyway I don't think they really understand.. it's like I would never understand if I haven't gone thru thus rollercoaster. I would probably think "Girl, why are you crying over someone like that? Why would you even let him treat you this way?"

this is well intentioned, but ultimately flawed advice.

there is no shame in grieving a loved one, even if that loved one at times treated us badly.

i was fortunate in that while friends and family couldnt understand exactly where i was coming from, they were emotionally supportive. the person saying things like your friends and family have been telling you (or even that you may be telling yourself), was me. things got a whole lot easier for me when i let go of the idea that i "should be over this" or "shouldnt mourn someone who treated me badly". to do so is to be vulnerable. to be vulnerable is to be in touch with your feelings. sometimes thats scary, but i promise its a lot easier than believing you are somehow wrong for how you feel. that only makes you feel worse. the way out of grief is to work through it, not to silence or ignore it or shame it into hiding.

it might help to ask friends and family to lay off that sort of feedback, and to primarily listen. sometimes, its necessary to tell loved ones how they can best support us, and if theyre unable to do that (their own limitation), to limit who you go to for support, and the kind of support you seek from them. for example, if you have someone in your life who says the wrong things, or just makes you feel worse, then focus on just spending quality time with them, and lean on them in ways that make you feel less isolated...talk to them less about the breakup or how youre feeling about it, more about the things that make you feel connected to them, or help get your mind off of things.

therapist advised to get antidepressants from gp. But I can't. I am in the recruitment process to join police forces and being on such a medication will ruin my dream.

there are supplements (lots of them) that are great alternatives to prescription antidepressants. i tried both (meds and supplements), and while it wasnt a cure, the supplements were more effective when it came to restoring my equilibrium.

[imstillhere89]

I live in the UK only with my daughter. My family lives in Eastern Europe where I come from. I can only rely on calls and messages. I do have some friends here and they are trying to help as I used to when they needed it.
My ex partner isn't my daughter's father (thankfully) and we aren't in any sort of contact. After the break up I told him I want to block all our contacts and this is what I did. I thought it would be easier that way but I don't think it is any easier.
With my application for policing - I'm in quite a good position at the moment as I have to first pass my functional skills english and there is no deadline for me to do it. Obviously it is very difficult for me to focus on the course and the exam but at least that gives me some extra time to build myself up before another steps in the recruitment process.

My ex was very unhappy when I wanted to join police. He was saying that I will become close to people I work with and I will leave him for someone else. With time he realised I will do it anyway with or without him so one day he said "I can't stop you from doing what you really want to do with your life so I have decided to support you with your dream and help you get there"... I was over the moon thinking "what a wonderful man" ..and then everytime we were fighting and he would push me to the edge that much that I would fight back, he used to say "you want be a copper? Ha ha ha you are gonna fail all your psychological tests with this temper! You will never get this job, look at you!"... or there were situations when he would try to make me look stupid because he would say something, then deny it, then tell me that I don't understand basic logical things he told me so I am too stupid to get to police...and then after the fight I would again listen to "you are the most intelligent woman I have ever met. I fell in love with your brain" etc.
When I finally forced myself to apply to the forces I had to make the application online etc. He knew what I will be doing and I told him I will need time to focus on it. He said no problem and then after 20 minutes he came downstairs interrupting me with "and? How is this going?" I only said "shh wait a second" as I had to describe myself and as English isn't my first language I had to really focus to make it look OK. He then started a fight that I shush him and he only wanted to be nice and that I'm a psycho.
Few months later when I passed first few steps and found out I have to pass my English first to proceed, I bought online course and started to prepare. But because of constant walking on eggshells I couldn't really stay focused. And one day I was learning and asked him for some quiet time, he started to play darts in the garden so loud that I had to stop studying because there was no chance to learn anything. I could see satisfaction on his face and then I realised he did that on purpose. It was very painful to me but I didn't say anything about it because I knew he will turn this against me saying "how could you even think I would be so mean" or "yeah of course I am not allowed to do anything in this house because this isn't my house, right?" - this is what I have heard from him all the time... that he doesn't feel valued in this house and that I act like Queen because my name is on the contract and he shouldn't even be here.. I never wanted him to feel this way but in our biggest fights when I tried to call him down because he was shouting like crazy I had to tell him to be quiet because I don't want my neighbours to hear all this yelling and swearing and that I dont wanna feel like an intruder in my own place! I think the fact that it was my place, not his, made him feel very insecured. But at least after every fight he was the one packing his stuff.. if I would live in his place he would rather kick me out after every fight. And I couldn't let that happen as I have got my daughter still living with me. This is why we never moved officially together, rented house together or bought a house together (thankfully). That would put me in a much more difficult situation than I'm in now.

[SaltyDawg]

Even though it doesn't seem so, with the No Contact [NC] that you have implemented, I know that it hurts like hell, but imagine if you were to let him back in, and then the cycle continues, it would hurt even more.  It is good that your daughter is not his, this makes it easier, and his name is not on the place that you live -- I would recommend keeping it that way [unless you want the hurtful cycle to continue, it will not get better, only worse, unless he becomes 'self-aware' and also wants to change - very unlikely.  Follow your 'gut feeling' or your wise mind [leave] which is a combination of your logical mind [leave] and not your emotional mind [stay].  Time will heal things, and your current painful wounds will become less painful, but still noticeable scars.  Also, if you find someone else [don't rush this], things will also get better too.  Learn the signs of abusive people, and avoid them.

Since you want to be a copper, get help anonymously [even though the UK has good public health from what I understand, but you don't want to jeopardize becoming a copper], coda.org has many listings for online meetings and may even have them in your native language -- the UK doesn't publicly list their meetings on coda.org.  However, I found the UK's equivalent website, and here is a map of the in-person meetings:  https://codauk.org/meetings/?tsml-day=any&tsml-attendance_option=in_person&tsml-view=map.  Even if this doesn't work out for you, I am sure you can find other resources as well to help you out emotionally.  Check with your local place of worship [church, synagogue, temple, mosque], they often have anonymous resources or can point you in a good direction.

Getting help for yourself is key.  Self-Care, I found out the hard way, you should be your number one priority.  That way you can take care of yourself, and in doing so, you also are able take care of your daughter as well.

[imstillhere89]

Thank you so much this is so kind and helpful x I will dig into this and hopefully will find something around my area.

I know there is so much work for me to do in order to get better. I have a history of really difficult relationships but nothing like this last one. My daughter's father was abusive but not in such a aggressive way. We have been together for almost 13 years and I have decided I can't take it anymore and I have left. But it was a different story as I didn't love him at that point anymore. Here with my uBPD ex I still loved him and still do and this is why it's so difficult to get over. Plus all the damage he caused and the rollercoaster that I believe damaged me enough to be craving again the ups and downs ...like a drug addict. And it's funny as I have never in my life tried any drugs as I was always scared of them.. now not I only invited a drug to my life but also loved it more than myself. Creepy.

I believe this is all down to my childhood. My father is an alcoholic (not abusive tho), and my mom divorced him when I was 8 years old. I really missed him all my childhood, we have had a great connection. But obviously after the divorce I wouldn't see him as much as I wanted. Also my mom trying to protect me, wouldn't let me see him if he was drunk. So everytime I was supposed to meet him I was praying to the Universe for him to be sober. And when he wasn't, I would blame my mom for not letting me to stay there. Of course now I do understand she was doing this to protect me but back then I thought she wanted to stand between me and my father. She herself was diagnosed with neurosis and went thru complex therapy when I was already grown up. Living with her was quite difficult. But I do understand her now and I know she just couldn't be different at that time. I think all of this had a big impact on my mental health. My therapist said she doesn't see any connection between my childhood and being in a bad relationship. So after few sessions I have decided not to continue and waste my money on it. I will try to get help myself by reading books related to my traumas and by doing some exercises.
I have always been a clown, people pleaser, empath. People love me for my honesty, being caring and kind. I used to be able to see thru people knowing very quickly who has been thru some difficulties and why people act the way they do. With my ex I have seen something too but with time he just messed up with my mind so much that I was not only questioning him but myself as well. Like I knew why he was doing certain things but he would deny it and then put blame on me in a way that everytime he did something wrong that led us to fight - in the end I was the one trying to justify myself and having to explain myself .. I think that was his tactic to get the blame from him.
And actually there was a lot about blame. He was blaming so many people for so many things. I even told him many many times "sometimes things are as they are why do you need to find someone or something to blame for it?" He could never answer that. Also many times I have said something and he would think I am trying to blame him for whatever. Even when I was explaining that it didn't even sound like me trying to blame him and I had no reason to blame him he would still repeat and repeat that I blame him. Sometimes it looked like he's had conversation with himself (or someone else) in his own  mind and he would just partly said it out loud leaving me really confused. Even my daughter noticed that once and she just looked at me with "wth" face expression... Can anybody relate to this one?

[SaltyDawg]

imstillhere89,

   I can definitely relate...

   What you described is being a 'caretaker' with your childhood trauma [alcoholic dad and caretaker mom who had her own set of issues] there is a correlation to attracting bad relationships (albeit different in nature to BPD's).  I am currently married to a uBPDw.  I was formerly dating a uNPDgf prior to that.  Both BPDs and NPDs people are attracted to the 'caretaker' personality [empathic people pleasers] as they are the only ones who will put up with that kind of that the BPD/NPD does.

   I too crave the ups [being seduced with mind bending sex, being put on an impossible pedestal and admired for it -- this is very intoxicating (like a drug) to me otherwise known as 'love bombing'] and hate the downs [worst person ever, name calling, blaming, made to feel worthless known as 'devalue/discard' like an addict in withdrawal] -- it sucks.

   Personally, I highly recommend the following book, I believe in section 1 you will see a lot of yourself in it -- for me it was >99% accurate Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad  [UK Amazon link - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321] available for +/- 20 quid.  I found a copy at my local library and was able to check it out for free.  It will also discusses what I call the 'blame game' which is technically called 'projection' and 'transference' in the book where your partner will blame you for his personality traits, his behaviors, as they [BPD/NPD] themselves cannot mentally process what they have done, they only see the end result, and think to themselves, I could not have done that so _[whomever he blames near him]_ did it -- it's usually not intentional or malicious; however, it is how their mind operates and would appear to be very manipulative on their part -- they cannot help themselves.  Once I understood this dynamic, I was able to forgive my wife for her actions; however, the 'hard feelings' were still there, and we are still in a rut -- before this dynamic I would JADE back and that created all kinds of horrid feelings towards each other -- I need to undo the damage from two decades of this, if it is all possible.  My wife also needs to become 'self-aware' [impossible for NPD and high-functioning BPDs; improbable, but possible for conventional (physically violent - inwardly with suicidal tendencies and/or self-mutilation; or outwardly with battery in the form of domestic abuse -- My wife is both suicidal and has hit and kicked me on a handful of occasions across the two decades we have been together, but does not physically harm herself otherwise [scratching, cutting, burning, etc.] - however, my daughter has done that) BPDs.

   Sections 2 & 3 deal with tools on how to handle it, and what to do about it.

   If you want to figure out if he is BPD or NPD use the assessment tools found in this book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

   Of course there are many more books on the topic, but those two, when combined, will tell you more than what most therapists will tell you [unless they are specifically trained in BPD/NPD which is very rare considering its prevalence in society].

[imstillhere89]

Thank you, this is very helpful. I am sorry you have such a bad experience yourself.

My ex never said anything about suicide and I think this is related to him posing as Alpha male. But! Instead of suicidal threats he would have "heart attack" or "asthma attack" when we were about to break up. Also in our last conversation (after the final breakup) he said something like "you don't care about it all and my head is exploding" and "this is why men die faster than women!" followed by accusing me for not protesting when he was leaving... so I think this was his tactic instead of suicidal threats. As suicide would make him look weak and he never wanted to be seen this way by anyone. He would do everything to seem strong and independent. He would even say a lot about others being "weak individuals" and saying that most people with depression aren't really depressed but lazy to change something in their lives. He was belittling others in order to make himself look better. I even told him once during a horrible fight that he is full of insecurities and this is why he treats me the way he does. He then said he doesn't have ANY INSECURITIES which says a lot to me, as every "normal" person is aware of insecurities and the fact that we all have some.

[SaltyDawg]

I've had the "heart attack" comment/threat several times myself from my wife.  I am trained, and I assessed with a Pulse Oximeter -- Good O2, Good Pulse, Good rhythm, and I called her bluff (4 park rangers were about 500 feet away in an area with no cell service, and I asked her if she wanted me to let them know so they can take her to the hospital, she declined, so I knew she was bluffing).  First time she did that, I did take her to hospital, turned out to be nothing [panic attack or indigestion].  Follow on times, I held out the phone, and asked her if she wanted me to call the ambulance [she declined each time].  She does have heart medicine, so I monitor her like a two year old having a tantrum [keep my eye on her, but keep my distance, and have the mobile phone ready, just in case] -- same thing for the six suicide attempts.

You can see how irrational / illogical they are when they are splitting.

It could be BPD and/or NPD, the 'eggshells' book will help you figure out which one(s).

In any event, go out, do some self care by going to a support group.  I find taking a long hot shower works is a good coping mechanism.  I also like going outside in nature for hikes/bikes/exercise.  Use google to come up with some for yourself, it makes me feel better, it distracts me from my anxieties and insecurities.  https://www.google.com/search?q=coping+skills

Take care of yourself if most important, and coping skills is a good place to start.  Self-Care.

[imstillhere89]

My ex also declined help when I called for ambulance. He refused even talking to them. I was almost certain it wasn't a heart attack but I wanted to be sure for 100% because if it was and something bad would happen to him I would never forgive myself. After all he said "you only cared because if I died here you would have to answer some questions" ... I couldn't believe he actually said that. I still wonder if this is what he really thought or he said it to get some reaction from me...

I am going to start aqua aerobic this week with my best friend and I am looking into some pole dance lessons (something that I would never be allowed to do being in a r/s with my ex). I have started reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" and  "Stop Walking on Eggshells" will be next (I found both online - naughty me).
Also I am still reading "Home coming" by John Bradshaw to help my inner child get healed (I found this book quite difficult to read at the moment but this is going to be my main goal).
Also I have started taking some mild stress relief pills and I feel much better.
As soon as finish with the books mentioned above I will go back to my English course and maybe by the end of next year (I hope!) I will get the job of my dreams.

I have noticed that since I take those pills my brain wins the heart. I have started to be disgused by thinking about my ex and there is much more bad moments in my head than the good ones. I hope it will remain like that as this is the only way for me to stay away from this man ..I really do have a bad feeling he will contact me in the future. Everything says he won't but my intuition says differently... and if he ever does, I have to be well prepared for that.

[SaltyDawg]

Follow your 'gut intuition' and you must prepare for it.  Learn about "narcissistic h o o v e r i n g" [remove the spaces, this website changes the word to 'charming']  Do a google search on it to learn about so you can recognize it, and avoid it.

I'm glad you are doing aqua aerobic this week and the other sounds like good fun too -- just be careful as it may attract the same kind of man in the future.  Also, be careful about the stress relief pills, I know it is an issue across the pond in the USA if you want to be in law enforcement.

Do use these books that you are reading to learn English even more [look up the words that you don't know], and do follow your dream.  I know that you can do it.  Anything is possible, if there is a will, there is most often a way to achieve your goals.  Only you can change you.  Remember, you cannot fix others -- they first have to see an issue, then they need to 'want' to fix that issue themselves.

Good luck, and take care.

[imstillhere89]

I have heard a lot about h o o v e r i n g and it is scary.

Thank you for all your kind words x

[Torimagic]

Ironically I am on seven weeks and today has been incredibly hard. I agree that there is no timeline to grief. It’s so hard to wake up every morning with dreams about her and just feel devastated she is gone. I understand the SI, the horrible shaking crying, panic, emptiness. I just keep telling myself it’s one day at a time one moment at a time, and that there has been moments in the past seven weeks that I did feel acceptance. Or any moment I engaged in self care that was a huge win. I imagine myself ten years from now looking back and not feeling this awful pain. Sharing wisdom with me. It’s the hardest breakup I have ever experienced. You are not alone.

[imstillhere89]

I was dreaming about him last night too. This feeling when I woke up.. breaking my insides apart... but I'm telling to myself "it won't last forever, it will end eventually". And this helps me survive.
But I was thinking recently (reading so many stories on this forum) .. so many undiagnosed BPD walk around this world now trying to replace their ex partners, making sure they are the ones being right and the ones that have been hurt by us...and what do we do? We suffer so much, we read a lot, we analyse their behaviour and our behaviour, we try to understand them and forgive them.. this is so unfair...