The final half-truth still keeps hurting

[Tupla Sport]

I have been talking about my relationship and breakup in detail on this forum and have made immense progress the past three months. There is still one detail in the breakup that I want input to.

The gist is, my ex asked me for a break which I did agree to. Two weeks into the break I could not take it anymore and asked her for an update. It turned out she had decided to not pursue our r/s and it was because "she had had a lot of conversations with other people and they all defaulted to us not being happy together". Later on it turned out she had been on multiple dates with my best friend during the short break.

Thing is, she was so amicable when she told me she did not want to continue the r/s with me. I got super angry at her nonetheless and it still makes me feel guilty. I just couldn't buy the "not happy together" narrative because it seemed like a gross over-simplification at best and a total dodge of responsibility at worst. She didn't say a word about having BPD. She didn't respond to me asking about how can this be, I did everything to work around it.

But some faction in my brain is still confused. Mostly because there was a grain of truth in there. We WERE immensely unhappy together.

Am I in the wrong for wanting her to take responsibility? Doesn't her going on dates with my PLEASE READing best friend suggest she wanted an easy out and a new supply?

[cranmango]

But some faction in my brain is still confused. Mostly because there was a grain of truth in there. We WERE immensely unhappy together.

Am I in the wrong for wanting her to take responsibility? Doesn't her going on dates with my PLEASE READing best friend suggest she wanted an easy out and a new supply?

Hi Tupla Sport. I have followed several of your other posts. It is natural to feel confused in situations like this. It sounds like your ex is crafting a narrative that suits her at the moment. It smooths over all of her decisions, without having to really grapple with reality or its consequences.

But--her narrative doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) your narrative. You know the full truth. Her accepting responsibility (or not) doesn't change the reality of what happened. Hold onto the full truth.

[Tupla Sport]

Hi Tupla Sport. I have followed several of your other posts. It is natural to feel confused in situations like this. It sounds like your ex is crafting a narrative that suits her at the moment. It smooths over all of her decisions, without having to really grapple with reality or its consequences.

But--her narrative doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) your narrative. You know the full truth. Her accepting responsibility (or not) doesn't change the reality of what happened. Hold onto the full truth.

Thank you. This is more or less what the more rational parts of my mind are telling me.

It was baffling that she wanted to see me live after the break. And that her energy was so calm and relaxed. I can't really fault her for thinking I would take it all well because I can't expect her to know my feelings but in hindsight I just think "how could she possibly be in the headspace that everything would be okay to me".

I guess that's where the confabulation, half-lying and everything comes together to make up such a grandiose piece of fiction it's difficult not to take it for fact.

Like how can you go on dates with your partner's close friend and then come back to the partner all serene and zen about it. She really seemed like she felt that everything had clicked, for both of us. That breaking up with me was just an errand to run so we could both go being happy.

I guess she felt elated to secure a new supply and she softly dropped me out of the picture. She didn't split me black until I got hysterical at the news of her decision. After my tantrum, she went on to call me a narcissist.

It all makes very little sense. The emotional states just don't add up. Well they wouldn't for a healthier person.

[brighter future]

But some faction in my brain is still confused. Mostly because there was a grain of truth in there. We WERE immensely unhappy together.

Am I in the wrong for wanting her to take responsibility? Doesn't her going on dates with my PLEASE READing best friend suggest she wanted an easy out and a new supply?

You're absolutely in the right for wanting closure from her for her part of what went wrong. I did as well when the relationship ended with my ex-g/f just over 2.5 years ago. The problem is, I never received it from her, and I beat myself up for several months waiting on it. Essentially, all I got from her when I asked her why was: "I can't answer that. I don't have the energy to answer any of your questions." A little over a week later, she was back with one of her rebounds. Shortly after that, she started plastering it all over social media. By then, I had enough of it and removed her from both of my social media accounts. Seeing all of that nonsense was literally destroying me, and I feel like most of it was posted for my benefit, her ex-husband, and possibly my family as well.

Back to the closure issue, again, I believe it's going to have to come from within you. Rarely do these types of relationships end with any type of closure from the pwBPD. It took me about 6-9 months to finally except the relationship for what it was and also for what both of us did wrong while we were together. It was a relationship built on co-dependency. Counseling and time spent on this forum showed me that.  She needed a caretaker, and I loved being in that role so I felt needed. It was destined for failure from the very beginning. When I wouldn't give in to her demands for marriage, I was discarded for the replacement who had been also previously discarded her by as well. I've been told by mutual friends that her new man also assumed the caretaker's role after me, so nothing has really changed. I have made a promise to myself not to put myself in a position like that again, because I have a pattern of this behavior in the two previous relationships before my ex-g/f.

I wish you well in the coming weeks, and I hope that closure comes soon for you.

[Tupla Sport]

You're absolutely in the right for wanting closure from her for her part of what went wrong. I did as well when the relationship ended with my ex-g/f just over 2.5 years ago. The problem is, I never received it from her, and I beat myself up for several months waiting on it. Essentially, all I got from her when I asked her why was: "I can't answer that. I don't have the energy to answer any of your questions." A little over a week later, she was back with one of her rebounds. Shortly after that, she started plastering it all over social media. By then, I had enough of it and removed her from both of my social media accounts. Seeing all of that nonsense was literally destroying me, and I feel like most of it was posted for my benefit, her ex-husband, and possibly my family as well.

Back to the closure issue, again, I believe it's going to have to come from within you. Rarely do these types of relationships end with any type of closure from the pwBPD. It took me about 6-9 months to finally except the relationship for what it was and also for what both of us did wrong while we were together. It was a relationship built on co-dependency. Counseling and time spent on this forum showed me that.  She needed a caretaker, and I loved being in that role so I felt needed. It was destined for failure from the very beginning. When I wouldn't give in to her demands for marriage, I was discarded for the replacement who had been also previously discarded her by as well. I've been told by mutual friends that her new man also assumed the caretaker's role after me, so nothing has really changed. I have made a promise to myself not to put myself in a position like that again, because I have a pattern of this behavior in the two previous relationships before my ex-g/f.

I wish you well in the coming weeks, and I hope that closure comes soon for you.

I know I'm never going to get closure from her. I was more referring to the fact that her just dropping things like that without acknowledging her mental health's very central role in our relationship confuses me.

It is difficult to describe. I would love to just let it go and leave the craziness behind me. And on many levels I am able to do just that. But a part of me still wonders about her motivations and if I'm justified in wanting her to simply say "look, my mental health problems aren't going away any time soon, it will take years from both of our lives and we're both so clearly miserable" or something to that effect.

She made it sound like it's a simple, honest and trivial compatibility issue and it stings extra knowing that she started seeing my friend.

I even wonder what the discussion would have been like if I was able to meet her live. I was not, I demanded she spit out her decision over text, which she did. Then I got hysterical.

I will never know what she thought about the idea of having undiagnosed BPD now. She didn't respond to my messages about the relationship after I got hysterical over text.

I am for some PLEASE READing reason ruminating over the idea that she acknowledged she has BPD and she would still hop from a relationship to a new one that fast. Like it all made sense to her.

[once removed]

I know I'm never going to get closure from her. I was more referring to the fact that her just dropping things like that without acknowledging her mental health's very central role in our relationship confuses me.

It is difficult to describe. I would love to just let it go and leave the craziness behind me. And on many levels I am able to do just that. But a part of me still wonders about her motivations and if I'm justified in wanting her to simply say "look, my mental health problems aren't going away any time soon, it will take years from both of our lives and we're both so clearly miserable" or something to that effect.

i dont think ive really heard of someone doing this.

furthermore, i doubt she sees it the same way.

She made it sound like it's a simple, honest and trivial compatibility issue and it stings extra knowing that she started seeing my friend.

i see these two things as distinctly separate.

most of the time, when someone breaks up with someone, they say exactly these sorts of things. "we arent compatible". "were both unhappy". "its too much work".

usually, its the truth, or theres truth to it; you by and large agree that both of you were pretty unhappy.

its how i would put it now, many years after my ex broke up with me. at the time, with all of the wounds from the relationship, it would have felt like an enormous, even hurtful over simplification. even though the two of us threatened to break up literally 100+ times, and even though, fairly often, i wanted out.

its the simple version. its the less messy, less blame-y version. if i were advising someone on how to break up with someone, id suggest a lot of "we", or, "its me, not you" kinda stuff. even though the person doing the breaking up usually puts a fair amount of blame on the person theyre breaking up with.

its also the easy, detached version. it presents no targets to argue about. its low drama. it avoids relitigating the relationship conflict.

i think "easy" has a lot to do with it here.

for someone with limited coping skills and emotional maturity, when youve been in a relationship thats carrying a lot of baggage, it is "easier" to jump ship if said ship presents itself. thats especially true if they have, in part, grieved the relationship. it seems that deep down, you both struggled with whether this relationship was built to last. put a two week break on top of that, and you start to grieve, and you start to see a future separate from each other.

throw infidelity on top of that, and you have someone that did the selfish, cowardly, "easy" thing. she took the easy way out in every regard. rather than do the hard, honest work, of detaching and ending a relationship, she jumped ship. she didnt tell you; she let you wonder, until pressed. and she gave you the simplest, least emotionally loaded explanation, when pressed.

sure, there was truth to it. your truth may differ, your wounds may be greater, and her actions reflect poor character, among other things. but you dont disagree that you both were unhappy.

its also true that with bpd, i think there is a lot that we arent necessarily privy to. things that didnt seem like an issue before, suddenly are. when my ex was giving me her amicable breakup shpeel (before she decided i was her enemy and someone she wanted to hurt), i was pretty blown away to hear that she suddenly felt this way, about things id felt all along. on some level, i suspect those things were in the back of her mind. on some level, i think she conveniently adopted them; it was simpler.

Doesn't her going on dates with my PLEASE READing best friend suggest she wanted an easy out

yes. people with bpd (and general emotional immaturity) tend to look for that easy way out. thats why, though you can see the truth to it, it feels like a gross over simplification. because it is.

but i also think that when breaking up, it almost always is.

[Tupla Sport]

i dont think ive really heard of someone doing this.

I've had some breakups with a level of sincerity like this. It's not the norm but it happens. During the r/s she seemed to acknowledge her situation, that is in part why it was so confusing for me when she dropped the "we" bomb.

its how i would put it now, many years after my ex broke up with me. at the time, with all of the wounds from the relationship, it would have felt like an enormous, even hurtful over simplification. even though the two of us threatened to break up literally 100+ times, and even though, fairly often, i wanted out.

its the simple version. its the less messy, less blame-y version. if i were advising someone on how to break up with someone, id suggest a lot of "we", or, "its me, not you" kinda stuff. even though the person doing the breaking up usually puts a fair amount of blame on the person theyre breaking up with.

its also the easy, detached version. it presents no targets to argue about. its low drama. it avoids relitigating the relationship conflict.

i think "easy" has a lot to do with it here.

for someone with limited coping skills and emotional maturity, when youve been in a relationship thats carrying a lot of baggage, it is "easier" to jump ship if said ship presents itself. thats especially true if they have, in part, grieved the relationship. it seems that deep down, you both struggled with whether this relationship was built to last. put a two week break on top of that, and you start to grieve, and you start to see a future separate from each other.

throw infidelity on top of that, and you have someone that did the selfish, cowardly, "easy" thing. she took the easy way out in every regard. rather than do the hard, honest work, of detaching and ending a relationship, she jumped ship. she didnt tell you; she let you wonder, until pressed. and she gave you the simplest, least emotionally loaded explanation, when pressed.

sure, there was truth to it. your truth may differ, your wounds may be greater, and her actions reflect poor character, among other things. but you dont disagree that you both were unhappy.


This all makes a lot of sense, I agree with the rational and emotional implications of this. I actually initiated the breakup cycle that time and wanted out, before we settled on taking a bit of a breather before taking the actual break which then led to the breakup.

yes. people with bpd (and general emotional immaturity) tend to look for that easy way out. thats why, though you can see the truth to it, it feels like a gross over simplification. because it is.

but i also think that when breaking up, it almost always is.


Thank you for the validation.