suicide threats

[Nhie5]

So how do you handle suicide threats? My daughter22 who lives away from home threatens a lot - that she is going to kill herself and they all have been just that threats. I called the police on her and she sends them away - it is so heartbreaking

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi again Nhie5;

That must be beyond difficult to keep hearing those words from your D22 when she is far away. I think you did what anyone would do in that situation, calling the police there as you could not be there to help.

It sounds like you have gone through this cycle more than once? So she calls or texts you with the suicide threats, then you call the police there, then she sends the police away when they show up to check on her?

I'm hearing you that on the one hand, all the threats have been just that -- threats with no follow-through -- yet on the other hand, threats are to be taken seriously. And involving the police has not seemed effective so far.

I wonder if another angle to try would be something like -- when she calls (or texts) and makes a threat, you could ask "Honey, I care about you and don't have the training to help you right now. Would you like me to call the police to help you, or would you prefer that I contact your treatment team? It is your choice, I will do whichever one you pick".

Or, relatedly, "Honey, I care about you and want you to have help right now. Would you prefer that I call your treatment team, or that you call your treatment team? If you'd rather tell them, then what I'll do is just give them a heads up that you will be in touch, I won't tell them why. Or, I can help by calling them for you and sharing what's going on. Which one would you like me to do?"

Although, something less wordy would probably be better.

You know your daughter best, so you would have better insight into whether calling the treatment team might be a more helpful solution. And, whether giving her a real choice in the matter (not whether you do or don't ask for help, but either (a) who you ask for help, police or treatment team, or (b) who asks for the help, you or her) is something she could handle in that moment.

If she can't handle making a choice in that moment, you could also try the "decide and inform" approach, where if she makes suicide threats to you again, you can let her know ahead of time what you will be doing: "Honey, I care about you, and that sounds serious. I want to let you know that I will be contacting your treatment team today. I love you and I am confident that you can find a solution with them." Something where, in a way, you treat her like an adult -- she is responsible for working with her team to decide what to do when she makes suicidal threats... it's not your responsibility to solve it for her.

Anyway, just a few thoughts to toss around, to try to find some balance.

Keep us posted on how you two are doing;

kells76

[SaltyDawg]

So how do you handle suicide threats? My daughter22 who lives away from home threatens a lot - that she is going to kill herself and they all have been just that threats. I called the police on her and she sends them away - it is so heartbreaking

If you have documentation of the threats, escalate it to the supervisor level of the police - police will only act if they have a reasonable level of confidence there is an issue - if it is just words, it is not enough, unless you have an audio/video recording and/or texts/e-mail - something that will stand up in a court of law, and only then the can do a limited intervention.  Strongly suggest, that if she is successful in her next attempt, you will expose them to the media as they are derelict in their duty to 'protect and serve'.

Also if you live in the USA dial 988 [suicide hotline] and give them her contact information and let them run with it.  If in other countries, a quick google search should reveal the number you should call.

BPD death by suicide is only second to deaths caused by a different mental health issue of anorexia nervosa - unfortunately I am personally familiar with both conditions with a wife and daughter respectively.  My wife is my undiagnosed pwBPD with the suicide attempts, and D with the other.  It is exceptionally scary for me, I am sure it is for you, and them too.  For both, it was/is a control issue for them.

For the first 5 attempts, I did nothing, as I saw it as a ruse to attempt to gain control over my behaviors.  The 6th, I let our couple's T know about it; however, she dropped the ball and failed to get her committed for an evaluation - in hindsight this would have been better, as she would have been assessed, but wasn't.

Now that I have learned the error of my ways, the next time it happens, I will be calling 911 as per instructions from our then couple's T - that was this past June.  This seems to be a good boundary for my situation.

Good luck, and take care.

[yellowbutterfly]

My stbx H uBPD threatened suicide a lot during the end of the relationship.

I called the 988 hotline and spoke with my T as well about how to handle it. After one incident where he told me how he would do it, I called 911 for a mental wellness check. Sadly, like your daughter, he was able to send them away. He shamed and guilt-tripped me after, telling me I did the wrong thing by calling them. I stood my ground though about calling for a wellness check.

It is so hard to be in the situation you are in now, trying to get help and wanting to take her threats seriously but also, the help does nothing if the person is manipulative to claim they don't need help.

I think kells76 advice below is really good.

Do you have a T yourself? It is a lot on a person to feel like they need to be the one to get someone help. It took me a while to understand this was not my fault no matter what the H chose to do.