Avoiding a breakup with my BPD partner

[RichardG]

Hi,

I've been serious with my girlfriend for 3+ years, and known her for almost 10.  She's broken up with me twice before, and alot has happened over the whole time I've known her.  Our holidays were pretty good this year, but we got into a terrible fight 3 weeks ago over something minor.  Her hypersensitivity over a misunderstanding concerning our breakfast led to my losing my temper--which I should never do--but that led to her fleeing out of the house with her dog.  Getting more irate, I slammed the door while in pursuit.  She was convinced that I committed emotional abuse and that she was afraid I would harm her (I never have, and wouldn't hurt anyone physically).  I should add that we are both in our early 60's.  I know that I lost my cool and what I did was wrong.  Because she grew up in a home where her father had a violent temper, she reacts extremely negatively to me getting angry.  I am not generally an angry person, but I've done so enough during our time together that she remembers every incident.  After she ran out of the house, I caught up to her to apologize--I was very upset.  But she reacted badly, and insisted I give her my key to her house back (I did, we live in separate houses).  She told me later that she was so afraid of me, that she changed the locks on her house in case I had another key--incredible for me to believe.

After 2 weeks of texting, we finally spoke and agreed to take a 3 month pause on our relationship and that we'd speak in late April.  On her suggestion I am taking an online mini course on emotional abuse, which has been very helpful to me.  I am learning how to control my temper and understand the pain that causes it to surface. 

Is this relationship done?  We were in many ways hanging by a thread, taking another online course to improve our relationship before the fateful day a few weeks ago.  I've tried to reach out to her since, but she is blocking my texts, and doesn't respond to emails.  Problem is, I really love her still and am beside myself that my temper largely caused this.  She thinks we are ill suited emotionally (I think she has severe problems with relationships, too). 

What can I do from here?

Thanks for any opinions here.  We've been very close and were hoping to get married and move together to another state.  Now she thinks this is all finished.

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[Rev]

Hi,

I've been serious with my girlfriend for 3+ years, and known her for almost 10.  She's broken up with me twice before, and alot has happened over the whole time I've known her.  Our holidays were pretty good this year, but we got into a terrible fight 3 weeks ago over something minor.  Her hypersensitivity over a misunderstanding concerning our breakfast led to my losing my temper--which I should never do--but that led to her fleeing out of the house with her dog.  Getting more irate, I slammed the door while in pursuit.  She was convinced that I committed emotional abuse and that she was afraid I would harm her (I never have, and wouldn't hurt anyone physically).  I should add that we are both in our early 60's.  I know that I lost my cool and what I did was wrong.  Because she grew up in a home where her father had a violent temper, she reacts extremely negatively to me getting angry.  I am not generally an angry person, but I've done so enough during our time together that she remembers every incident.  After she ran out of the house, I caught up to her to apologize--I was very upset.  But she reacted badly, and insisted I give her my key to her house back (I did, we live in separate houses).  She told me later that she was so afraid of me, that she changed the locks on her house in case I had another key--incredible for me to believe.

After 2 weeks of texting, we finally spoke and agreed to take a 3 month pause on our relationship and that we'd speak in late April.  On her suggestion I am taking an online mini course on emotional abuse, which has been very helpful to me.  I am learning how to control my temper and understand the pain that causes it to surface. 

Is this relationship done?  We were in many ways hanging by a thread, taking another online course to improve our relationship before the fateful day a few weeks ago.  I've tried to reach out to her since, but she is blocking my texts, and doesn't respond to emails.  Problem is, I really love her still and am beside myself that my temper largely caused this.  She thinks we are ill suited emotionally (I think she has severe problems with relationships, too). 

What can I do from here?

Thanks for any opinions here.  We've been very close and were hoping to get married and move together to another state.  Now she thinks this is all finished.

Hi Richard,

Thanks for this very honest testimony.  You've asked a very direct question which deserves a direct answer, I would say.

You've named some times when you've both clearly brought out the worst in each other - and everyone can agree that relationships in this day and age are prone to that, given that we live in such emotionally charged times.

I am wondering if you could describe some other times where the opposite has happened and you've brought out the best. From there, it might be easier to do a compare and contrast so you can make the decision.

Two things I'd add as a general rule with relationships like these:

1) If your partner has BPD, then you will be the one who will need to decide for yourself where your threshold is, because as you are discovering, life like this tends to shift from day to day or month to month. Sometimes that can even come seemingly without warning because something triggers an episode that may be completely unrelated to what is actually happening in the moment.

2) Again, if your partner has BPD, then what you are describing is what it is. Generally speaking, when we talk about "working on a relationship", we're talking about two evolving together emotionally. With a relationship like this, we are talking about two people learning to better manage what is. Emotionally, it is what it is.

Now that is generally speaking. Every relationship is unique. So that's why I am suggesting that a little more information would be helpful.  In the meantime, I'm going to reach out to some people who have experience in ongoing management. My relationship ended because of abuse. So I'm not necessarily going to be able to handle this one alone.

Thanks for reaching out. You've come to a really great place. Lot's of wisdom here.

Hang in there.

Rev

[RichardG]

Hi, Rev:

Thanks so much for your thoughtful and complete response.  I'm touched that you spent this time on my situation.  Your insights are quite valuable.  Another layer to this is that she is very eager for our relationship to move forward--she is 61 and I am 60, so there's a sense that time is running out.  But before doing so, she has also believed that we needed to work out some bigger problems involving communication and conflict.  We began an online workshop through the Gottman Institute, which was excellent, but then had the major conflict three weeks ago.  She is right that I loose my temper more than I should, especially given how upsetting it is to her.  She claims that I haven't dealt with my temper properly yet, too--and that I always say I'm going to change, but that I don't.  For me, anxiety is a big factor.  In addition to studying this emotional abuse workshop, I've really tried to address my lifestyle--I'm now exercising daily, sleeping more, meditating for 20 minutes each morning, and eating healthy to calm down.  It's making a real difference.  It's vital that I control my temper when she triggers with something.

All of this acknowledges that her hypersensitivity, black and white thinking, and lack of ability to remember all the great things I do for us (there are many, I believe) affect the situation.  But I am shattered that I frightened her so much that she would lock her doors.  My therapist thought that most rational people would have sorted this out without the conflict, but she is emotionally very different than most (as you've rightly observed).

I don't want to loose her--we've had some wonderful times together, had stellar trips, and genuinely shared some wonderful dreams for future.  Now she is holding our relationship in question, doubting if we are well suited emotionally.  Thanks once again. 

[RichardG]

Quick follow up question:

Should I keep reaching out to her, or leave it alone until late April when we agreed to speak again?  It feels like a long way way.  Does this kind of break ever work? 

[Rev]

we've had some wonderful times together, had stellar trips, and genuinely shared some wonderful dreams for future.  Now she is holding our relationship in question, doubting if we are well suited emotionally.  Thanks once again. 

Can you expand on these - what makes them wonderful? Who is having the dreams? Is she able to follow through on the good stuff?  Does it last, or rather, how long does it last before the downward spiral starts?

I hear a sense of urgency in your writing - much of it appears directed about how to "fix" your behavior so you can "fix" the relationship.  That's just my impression right now. So if you could say more about the general dynamics of the relationship it will even out the discussion.

Rev

[Rev]

Quick follow up question:

Should I keep reaching out to her, or leave it alone until late April when we agreed to speak again?  It feels like a long way way.  Does this kind of break ever work? 

You've asked another direct question - and out of respect I'll offer a direct response.

That is a long time. And there's an expression - when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Believe your partner.  In the meantime, set yourself some personal goals and prepare to meet her in April as if you were single. Sixty is the new 50. There's no rush.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Notwendy]

She has also believed that we needed to work out some bigger problems involving communication and conflict.

She is right that I loose my temper more than I should, especially given how upsetting it is to her.

For me, anxiety is a big factor.  

All of this acknowledges that her hypersensitivity, black and white thinking, and lack of ability to remember all the great things I do for us (there are many, I believe) affect the situation.  But I am shattered that I frightened her so much that she would lock her doors.  My therapist thought that most rational people would have sorted this out without the conflict, but she is emotionally very different than most (as you've rightly observed).

I don't want to loose her--we've had some wonderful times together, had stellar trips, and genuinely shared some wonderful dreams for future.  Now she is holding our relationship in question, doubting if we are well suited emotionally.  Thanks once again.  

I think it's interesting that your GF has raised the question if the two of you are compatible emotionally. If she actually used the term -the two of you compatible- rather than blame all the issues on your anger- then she's considering her emotional make up as well as yours. If she's self aware that she can be hypersensitive- then she's also considering her part in this. If she's only blaming you- that's putting the blame of the relationship issues all on you.

While you may have anger issues, I don't know if it's at the level of emotional abuse- however, due to her sensitivity and past experiences, she may experience your anger in this way. With BPD it's a difficult situation as she may experience things from the victim perspective in general. Parental abuse can also precipitate BPD for people vulnerable to that.

Sometimes people can be emotionally incompatible without something being "wrong" with either one of them. I don't have BPD but I have a BPD mother who does have rage episodes and these were frightening to me as a child.  I question whether I could manage a long term relationship with someone who gets angry easily, without blaming them- but realizing that I might not feel compatible with that.

On the other hand, BPD behavior can be provoking due to the communication issues. It's very hard to resolve any disagreement or conflict with my BPD mother. If there's any hint she did something wrong, this elicits shame and she's likely to get upset. The default is to ignore the little things until I am angry at her. She can't handle anger - but also the inability to communicate things before they get to that point is aggravating. I am not quick to anger but the times I have gotten angry at her have been a miserable interchange. They don't resolve anything. So the question is- is this all due to you having an anger issue or also that you sometimes feel so exasperated by the relationship that you get frustrated and angry?

April seems like a long ways off, but this is what she's asked you for. This could be an opportunity for you to reflect on the situation, work on your own anger issues if that's contributing but also question yourself if you tend to be this angry with other people? What about her part? Is this a one way situation where you are the problem and she's the victim? That may be more BPD than reality. Time to yourself to reflect could be a good thing and a rational decision on your part.

[RichardG]

Hi, all:

I'm really moved that the responses here have been so thoughtful--and truly helpful.  It's my first time on this site.  I wish I had found it sooner.

To your comment earlier, Rev:  we get on very well when we're together, whether it be big fun trips (we went to Provence, France before COVID, and many fun weekends away at inns in New England) to simple things like walking with her older dog on the beach or making a meal together.  These are the memories that make this moment hard.  She's eager to get married and start a new life--we are both divorced about 10 years ago.  In the meantime, we both lost our jobs in the last 6 months, and I am just finishing paying for college tuitions for 2 sons who are graduating.  The job loss was big for both of us.  It has devastated her self esteem, which was pretty low to begin with. 

The good times last a while, but blips come up, like disagreements and minor conflicts.  I see these as pretty normal for a couple, but she takes them to heart more deeply, like someone with BPD would.  Our dreams of finishing a renovation to her house (kitchen and bathroom) were going to lead to us renting our two houses out for income, and buying a third.  Now she's convinced that these were "pipe dreams" that I never really subscribed to, only paying lip service.  This hurts--I didn't move fast in the last 6 months because of the job loss, but she doesn't see it this way.  We did make some significant improvements to her house this year (full new paint job exterior, new deck and outside porch, all financed by me).  She accuses me of "gaslighting" and not following through on promises, which also hurts.  She is depressed often. 

Through our time knowing each other, she's claimed I'm a "hot head" who loses my temper.  I asked my former wife if I had anger issues--we were married for 20 years--and she said "no."  Does that imply that when I get angry, my gf senses and feels it much more?  I'd say, yes. 

To respond to the second post--which was wonderful, thank you--she is self aware much moreso now than 10 years ago.  She's a recovering alcoholic, sober for about a year, so I think this has helped.  She was diagnosed about 6 years ago, and has done DBT but not recently. I think she sees our relationship issues as being both of us, but with my anger outweighing her shortcomings, like 70/30 or so.  She sees herself as the victim, for sure.  What I did--slamming a door, raising my voice--was wrong and emotionally abusive.  Was I provoked by her BPD issues with communication?  For sure.  I lost it after numerous comments and actions that added up, so when the latest one occurred, the final trigger was pulled.  For my part, I can do much better controlling and funneling my anger in these situations.  This is why I am working hard taking this course on stopping emotional abuse as the abuser.  I don't want to behave that way, ever. 

Yes, April is a long way off.  In retrospect I wish we had agreed only a month or two.  Now, communications are down, and it's clear she doesn't want to write before then.  Your suggestion is sound--I've changed my life behavior in addition to the course.  I fear that my inability to walk away is codependence, which I've struggled with.  That seems too simple sometimes, though, when you actually love someone. 

[Notwendy]

Hi, all:

I fear that my inability to walk away is codependence, which I've struggled with.  That seems too simple sometimes, though, when you actually love someone. 

It may also be a contributor to your feeling angry. I have had to work on co-dependency- a learned behavior growing up that I needed to unlearn.

I found that being co-dependent led me to feel resentful. I learned to pay attention to that as a signal that my behaviors were motivated by co-dependency- and people pleasing. So I just said yes when I didn't mean it and felt resentment afterwards and then felt resentful about that. Anger isn't too far off from resentment and so in your working on anger, consider that it could be a signal to yourself that you are not being true to yourself.

Anger is just a feeling like any other feeling. It tells us something- usually that someone has crossed a boundary. You will feel what you feel and anger is a feeling too. Where it becomes a problem is how we act on that feeling, but feeling anger may be something you wish to look at.

[Rev]

To respond to the second post--which was wonderful, thank you--she is self aware much moreso now than 10 years ago.  She's a recovering alcoholic, sober for about a year, so I think this has helped.  She was diagnosed about 6 years ago, and has done DBT but not recently. I think she sees our relationship issues as being both of us, but with my anger outweighing her shortcomings, like 70/30 or so.  She sees herself as the victim, for sure.  What I did--slamming a door, raising my voice--was wrong and emotionally abusive.  Was I provoked by her BPD issues with communication?  For sure.  I lost it after numerous comments and actions that added up, so when the latest one occurred, the final trigger was pulled.  For my part, I can do much better controlling and funneling my anger in these situations.  This is why I am working hard taking this course on stopping emotional abuse as the abuser.  I don't want to behave that way, ever.

Not Wendy has given some really great insights. And I would add the following - you've really nailed it here with your assessment of what these relationships are like = and on one level, there will always be an imbalance. So there are things that you will need to learn to do to dis-engage.  If your are in therapy, you might want to speak to your therapist about emotional defusion techniques that come out of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.   There are also tools here that you can find.

The trick here is to understand that this is what it is - you will always need to find a way to ride out the storms of the BPD condition. And that is OKAY because, on one level, she is fighting a condition.  AND herein lies an important rub.   It lies at the reason why I left my relationship - my ex would regulate, and then move the bar. The 60 / 40 emotional split eventually became a 85 / 15 split, emotionally and financially and practically. My friendships were estranged and I saw my friends when could fit them in, I was carrying literally 85% of the expenses for home even though we earned roughly the same amount of money and I did almost all the home chores.

I would really suggest that you take time to consider the things that Not Wendy has suggested. You have nothing to lose really. Either April arrives and you get back together, or April arrives and you will have dodged a bullet - either because you will have less self-doubt or she will have shown you something that you would have otherwise suppressed in an effort to make things work.  Given my own past, there is part of what I am reading in her behavior that is making me feel cautious.

The good times last a while, but blips come up, like disagreements and minor conflicts.  I see these as pretty normal for a couple, but she takes them to heart more deeply, like someone with BPD would.  Our dreams of finishing a renovation to her house (kitchen and bathroom) were going to lead to us renting our two houses out for income, and buying a third.  Now she's convinced that these were "pipe dreams" that I never really subscribed to, only paying lip service.  This hurts--I didn't move fast in the last 6 months because of the job loss, but she doesn't see it this way.  We did make some significant improvements to her house this year (full new paint job exterior, new deck and outside porch, all financed by me).  She accuses me of "gaslighting" and not following through on promises, which also hurts.    

This is the statement that I was wondering about - I hear you second guessing what would have been "normal" for someone else. When you get yourself to a place that you are justifying what would be otherwise considered normal decisions, rather than understanding that her unreasonable response is expected and thus something that can be managed, then you are about to step on a slippery slope.

This becomes the time to set the boundary that says A) I accept that you are upset and B) No I wouldn't change what I did, and I will give you the space to come to a calmer place so that we can carry on. The minute you move into changing to satisfy her unstable emotional state is the minute that you create a situation that is open to continually changing.  

Not wanting to sound overly alarmist, and yet, this is part of the clarity you can search for in yourself in the coming weeks.

What do you think?

Rev

[RichardG]

Many thanks to both of you, Rev and Not Wendy, for your helpful insights--they are truly appreciated.  Not Wendy, your thoughts about anger seem spot on.  You can't negate the feeling of anger, nor should you, but how one acts on it seems important.  For my partner, what might seem like a smaller conflict to others is felt like a typhoon to her.  And no one wants or deserves to be frightened by door slams and insults, especially your partner.  This is exactly what I am working on now.

Rev, I really hear your insight about setting this boundary around my "normal" decision and the slippery slope.  I know she is frustrated because she 1) isn't remarried yet and 2) I haven't moved fast enough with the house reno (nor the proposal).  With a BPD partner, there always seems to be a crisis of some kind, some bigger than others, but the job losses were pretty big to me.  You are right--this period is a good time for me to gain clarity on how I deal with situations like this to be true to myself, too, and not just to please her entirely (especially in the face of good common sense).  I will think about this alot.

Meanwhile, I'm upset everyday right now.  I miss her terribly--and she seems to have decided to go with no communication at all during this period till April, which hurts alot.  Can I ask:  should I persist in my communication tries, or leave it entirely alone until April?  I haven't been overwhelming at all, but have tried a few emails.  She's also blocked my texts.  We had tentative plans to travel together in early April (I have some work in France during March), and I'm heartsick that we are in this place.  Is it best to move past this and see what happens in April?  I am sad because I think she will move on.

BTW, I didn't understand--who is Kells?

Thanks again.

[Rev]

BTW, I didn't understand--who is Kells?

Disregard that.  I edited my post. Kells is another member here. I often get the two mixed up.