Hi Maen-y-Bardd, welcome to the group -- glad you felt ready to reach out and share what's been going on.
Bombshell sounds accurate. Everything seemed so good, and then without you doing or being anything different, she ended things -- except only kind of -- because now it's confusing, she says wants to be friends, says she wants to take it back, but won't get back in the relationship, and it seems like even she doesn't know why or can't explain it. Anyone would be reeling after that.
You had a good insight here:
The fact she was my first and only true love makes it so much harder to move on.
That sounds devastating, to have your first serious relationship end so un-straightforwardly, and it makes sense to me that that makes it more difficult to move on.
I keep asking her for clarification but it seems she doesn’t even know why she did this to me. It’s like that moment of infatuation she had is all a blur, and she’s forgotten the formative moments of our relationship. My mind is now swinging back and forth like a pendulum. I go from thinking she's a good person who did a horrible thing, to being resentful and feeling like it was a ruse this whole time. I could accept things not working out because of her unaccepting family who hates me for being White and fearing ostracization. I can't, however, cope with the possibility this was all a disassociative haze that she snapped out of, and was just mirroring me, using me to fill a temporary void
I'm curious if you've had a chance to look around the site yet -- that overarching question of "so did she ever really love me" is a huge one for members here. If you haven't seen it yet, take a look at our thread on
Did she ever love me? and let us know what you think. In fact, the post was started by a (reputable and vetted member) BPD-diagnosed educator on this site, who shares from her perspective what relationships were like when impacted by BPD.
While we might not be able to know one way or the other if your ex "officially" had BPD, many of her behaviors sound hurtful and disordered. Whatever diagnosis she does or doesn't have, know that this is a good place to work through what happened and how you want your future to look.
Keep us posted on how you're doing, and again, welcome;
kells76