How long do BPD episodes last?

[ShayCormick]

This is my first post, and I am so glad to have found this page.  I have just learned about BPD, and it explains so much of my girlfriend's behavior.  She also suggers from depression and has an Avoidant attachment style.  I have ADHD and an Anxious attachment style, which, as you can imagine, makes for a difficult relationship.
I've been seeking therapy for deep childhood trauma, and am realizing that she sets off my triggers a lot of the time.  I feel neglected, ignored, under valued, abandoned and unloved.  But if I say anything, especially during an argument, she gets upset that I make everything about me.  With ADHD, I have trouble with processing conversations and emotions at times, and I haven't learned to make boundaries very well, so I've been trampled on in too many situations.  They always leave me confused and broken.  I am literally blamed for every possible thing that is going wrong in her life.  I am so beaten down, but I love her and feel so incredibly sad for her.  She has zero friends.  Zero.  No support.  I have plenty and am generally a happy person, but I feel less and less sure of myself.  I am constantly sad, crying and full of anxiety dealing with her.  She also has a 12 year old daughter who stopped staying with her - which was 2 weeks on and off.  This girl has had self harm issues, as well as my girlfriend did before too.  But, of course, I am to blame for all of it.  My gf is not seeking therapy for BPD and I feel like I don't even know who she is any more, or what to expect day to day with her mood.  Maybe I've never known her, because it wasn't always like this, and we've had some great times together.
But I fear she was just mirroring me and not really who she portrayed herself to be.  Is this normal BPD behavior?  I don't know if this relationship is worth staying in, but I love her and am so concerned for her.

How long can an episode last?  We've been together over 3 years, but battling for a solid 6 months or more.  She'll attack me, belittle me with criticism, as well as lay a lot of blame & shame on me (which is a horrible trigger for me), until I'm an emotional wreck.  Then in an instant, she'll sit with me, hold my hand and ask to watch a movie with her.  Wth?  It has just gotten worse is all and I truly do not know what to do.  She acts like she's not sad about it at all.  If she's ever cried with me, it seems and feels so fake.  Like she's putting on a show.
She recently has stopped saying she loves me, rarely texts me (nothing too new) and acts like she doesn't want to be near me.  Has been threatening a break up on and off for a while too.  Is this BPD behavior also?  It all just feels like horrible emotional abuse!
What do I do about any of it?  What CAN I do if it's a real mental disorder?  I feel so sad for her, but I am falling apart.
I am so confused.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hey Shay ...

First - WELCOME!  Rather sorry for what brought you here AND really happy you found us.

This is a very supportive place. Lots, and lots, of wisdom. ZERO judgement.

The quick answer to your question about episodes - it really depends on so many factors. The core issue is that BPD is a disorder - which means nothing has structure - nothing is predictable.   Would I be correct in thinking that the reason behind your question is to get a sense of what to expect so you can get a sense of how long you need to "hang on"?

If that is the case, I'd suggest that you start, like all of us have had to, start getting a sense of where your own limitations are on your own terms. Without that self-acceptance, it will be really hard to set some boundaries.

Otherwise, maybe we can get you to a place where you focus on your personal needs first so that you can have a look at the relationship as a whole?  What do you think?

For example - you mention that you are that you are confused. Can you say more about that?   Confused how?

In the meantime, have a look around the site and check out some of the resources if you haven't done so.

One thing is for SURE - pretty much EVERY person here started off with post that is very similar to yours. What you are experiencing is not fun, not cool, painful - and unfortunately - normal in this situation.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[uncleflo]

This is my first post, and I am so glad to have found this page.  I have just learned about BPD, and it explains so much of my girlfriend's behavior.  She also suggers from depression and has an Avoidant attachment style.  I have ADHD and an Anxious attachment style, which, as you can imagine, makes for a difficult relationship.
I've been seeking therapy for deep childhood trauma, and am realizing that she sets off my triggers a lot of the time.  I feel neglected, ignored, under valued, abandoned and unloved.  But if I say anything, especially during an argument, she gets upset that I make everything about me.  With ADHD, I have trouble with processing conversations and emotions at times, and I haven't learned to make boundaries very well, so I've been trampled on in too many situations.  They always leave me confused and broken.  I am literally blamed for every possible thing that is going wrong in her life.  I am so beaten down, but I love her and feel so incredibly sad for her.  She has zero friends.  Zero.  No support.  I have plenty and am generally a happy person, but I feel less and less sure of myself.  I am constantly sad, crying and full of anxiety dealing with her.  She also has a 12 year old daughter who stopped staying with her - which was 2 weeks on and off.  This girl has had self harm issues, as well as my girlfriend did before too.  But, of course, I am to blame for all of it.  My gf is not seeking therapy for BPD and I feel like I don't even know who she is any more, or what to expect day to day with her mood.  Maybe I've never known her, because it wasn't always like this, and we've had some great times together.
But I fear she was just mirroring me and not really who she portrayed herself to be.  Is this normal BPD behavior?  I don't know if this relationship is worth staying in, but I love her and am so concerned for her.

How long can an episode last?  We've been together over 3 years, but battling for a solid 6 months or more.  She'll attack me, belittle me with criticism, as well as lay a lot of blame & shame on me (which is a horrible trigger for me), until I'm an emotional wreck.  Then in an instant, she'll sit with me, hold my hand and ask to watch a movie with her.  Wth?  It has just gotten worse is all and I truly do not know what to do.  She acts like she's not sad about it at all.  If she's ever cried with me, it seems and feels so fake.  Like she's putting on a show.
She recently has stopped saying she loves me, rarely texts me (nothing too new) and acts like she doesn't want to be near me.  Has been threatening a break up on and off for a while too.  Is this BPD behavior also?  It all just feels like horrible emotional abuse!
What do I do about any of it?  What CAN I do if it's a real mental disorder?  I feel so sad for her, but I am falling apart.
I am so confused.

Welcome to the group, Shay! You'll find a wonderfully supportive community here, as I've quickly discovered.

What you wrote about yourself feels like I'm reading a biography on myself, as I also have ADHD. Having ADHD makes processing the behaviors of somebody with BPD extremely challenging. I'm in no place at the moment to give a ton of advice - I'll leave that to the experts here, for now - but I do want you to know that you're not alone and you should be proud of yourself for coming here to help heal.

I've found that making time for myself, going for a walk, meditating (daily is important), and knowing when to walk away when the kitchen gets too hot helps keep me from shutting down and feeling paralyzed. Having been married to a pwBPD for 20 years, I've also learned that there's really nothing I can do to fix her. I always thought it was my fault or that maybe if I changed for her, things would be better. This cycle only makes things worse, at least for me. pwBPDs need to be willing to work on themselves and if they're using us as a pin cushion for their pain, we can't allow that. Yes, we can have compassion for them but we also need to set clear boundaries to make sure we protect our own hearts. As a friend of mine once said, "Safeguard your heart."

Message me any time you need a friend to listen, k?

Uncle

[SinisterComplex]

Welcome to the group, Shay! You'll find a wonderfully supportive community here, as I've quickly discovered.

What you wrote about yourself feels like I'm reading a biography on myself, as I also have ADHD. Having ADHD makes processing the behaviors of somebody with BPD extremely challenging. I'm in no place at the moment to give a ton of advice - I'll leave that to the experts here, for now - but I do want you to know that you're not alone and you should be proud of yourself for coming here to help heal.

I've found that making time for myself, going for a walk, meditating (daily is important), and knowing when to walk away when the kitchen gets too hot helps keep me from shutting down and feeling paralyzed. Having been married to a pwBPD for 20 years, I've also learned that there's really nothing I can do to fix her. I always thought it was my fault or that maybe if I changed for her, things would be better. This cycle only makes things worse, at least for me. pwBPDs need to be willing to work on themselves and if they're using us as a pin cushion for their pain, we can't allow that. Yes, we can have compassion for them but we also need to set clear boundaries to make sure we protect our own hearts. As a friend of mine once said, "Safeguard your heart."

Message me any time you need a friend to listen, k?

Uncle

UncleFlo...the only part where I have to chime in on is that we have to discourage pm's behind the scenes. We encourage all members to keep discussions public.

Beyond that, thank you for being a supportive contributor and please continue to engage.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Couscous]

She'll attack me, belittle me with criticism, as well as lay a lot of blame & shame on me (which is a horrible trigger for me), until I'm an emotional wreck.  Then in an instant, she'll sit with me, hold my hand and ask to watch a movie with her.  Wth?

And the name of this psychological game is: Emotional hot potato. Essentially what's going on is that you are relieving her of her negative emotions by "catching" them, if you will, in the same way that you would if she had tossed you a hot potato. The result is that she feels a whole lot better while you end up feeling like dirt. (Its technical name is projective identification, and there are some videos on YouTube that explain exactly how this works in an easy to understand way, if you're interested in learning more.)

But she is not doing this consciously and unless you have very solid boundaries (which you won't if you've experienced childhood trauma), it can be very challenging to resist catching the potato. But you can learn to have better boundaries, although it does take a fair bit of time and effort.