So Lost

[SS13579]

So thankful to have found this group!

My mom has BPD and it been the “family secret” my entire life. No one was allowed to know how my mom acted, and my dad always helped cover up her actions. I remember it feeling so lonely, and it still does as an adult.

I know have my own family and cannot identify what I am needing. My mom is emotionally and physically abusive to my dad, all of which is swept under the rug by the rest of the family.

I don’t want this affecting my own family any longer, but also not sure I want to cut them off completely. Talking about the way I feel to my mom scares me because I am afraid of how she will explode on my dad (always his fault), I have tried to implement boundaries of her not calling me anymore when she’s that’s irate , and have had conversations with my dad calling out the abuse.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m so afraid I will once day turn out to be like her. I don’t want this having an effect on my own family,

[Tortuga50550]

Hi SS13579,

I'm sorry you had to endure all of that all alone. Even though each's member's relationship with their BPDfamily member is a different world, I can imagine how difficult is must have been for you to live in that environment.
I was also scared of becoming like my BPDfather, and I'm still are. But like a friend of mine say, being aware of that fear is already a sign that you won't be like that. You can heal of you wounds little by little, and learn how to navitage your relationships.
I didn't really have anyone to whom I could talk to about my family either. At least not till I found this place. So I hope you get that release that usually happens when you're finally able to realize that you're not alone on this.
Welcome to the family!

[Couscous]

Talking about the way I feel to my mom scares me because I am afraid of how she will explode on my dad (always his fault),

So this is exactly why it’s a best practice, so to speak, to not have these kinds of discussions with your mother, period. It just isn’t helpful and doesn’t ever lead to anything positive.

As for your father, even though this might seem counterintuitive, calling out your mother’s abuse to him is equally as unhelpful. Even if after expending an inordinate amount of time and effort on this you do succeed in opening his eyes, unless he gets into therapy, chances are slim to none that he is ever going to do anything to improve his situation. Yes, it is very sad, but like the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

We have to let go of trying to “reform” our mothers and “save” our fathers, and accept that they are BOTH highly dysfunctional people who we truly have no ability to help — even though this is usually a very painful thing to have to accept at first. But when we do, it frees up our energy so that we can focus on ourselves so that we don’t turn into our mothers.

Learning how to become less reactive and more “self-differentiated”, is the key to this. I can recommend Jerry Wise’s YouTube channel (also his recommended reading list on his website) if you would like to learn more about this.

Best wishes to you!