Talking about the way I feel to my mom scares me because I am afraid of how she will explode on my dad (always his fault),
So this is exactly why it’s a best practice, so to speak, to not have these kinds of discussions with your mother, period. It just isn’t helpful and doesn’t ever lead to anything positive.
As for your father, even though this might seem counterintuitive, calling out your mother’s abuse to him is equally as unhelpful. Even if after expending an inordinate amount of time and effort on this you do succeed in opening his eyes, unless he gets into therapy, chances are slim to none that he is ever going to do anything to improve his situation. Yes, it is very sad, but like the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
We have to let go of trying to “reform” our mothers and “save” our fathers, and accept that they are BOTH highly dysfunctional people who we truly have no ability to help — even though this is usually a very painful thing to have to accept at first. But when we do, it frees up our energy so that we can focus on ourselves so that we don’t turn into our mothers.
Learning how to become less reactive and more “self-differentiated”, is the key to this. I can recommend Jerry Wise’s YouTube channel (also his recommended reading list on his website) if you would like to learn more about this.
Best wishes to you!
