Grieving : The sadness part and going no contact

[keepitup]

Hello all!

I haven't posted for a while. It has now been 3 months since my bpdexbf and I broke up. I recently went fully no contact after he asked to see me again to share his regrets of having hurt me... I was worried, but I went to see him in a public place beacause we still had stuff to give each other anyway (ex. : appartment keys).

Well in reality he told me he was breaking up with me "finally" (mind you, it had been VERY clear that we had broken up, though I know bpd is bpd...) because, he wanted to make the break up official so he could go sleep with other women, that he was not so much affected by the breakup... and he asked me to remain friends after that. He wanted to see me again so we could talk at lenght about how our relationship crumbled...

Our relationship ended because he threatened me of physical violence. I am in the process of accepting that I suffered psychological, emotional, sexual and economical violence during our 3 years relationship (The description of domestic abuse on this website has been very eye opening for me...) I did not feel any regrets in his words nor in his behavior. He justified how he acted towards me. Because he has BPD. Because he suffered from a concussion many years ago. Because he was a violent person.

So I refused to see him again. No contact.

I felt empowered to make this decision for ME. For MY well-being.

Nevertheless, I still feel traumatized. I still feel very confused by what has happened to me. I went through a lot of anger for having been treated that way in a relationship and for letting someone treat me that way instead of leaving earlier. Anger helped me to feel more confident in my choices.

Lately, I feel more depressed, I'm having more difficulty to trust my own judgment. I wonder what if I imagined all this? Rationally, I know that is not the case. Rationally, I know it was not a good relationship for me. But it feels like I still need external validation to tell me it was ok to leave. I think the sadness part is harder for me since I prefer to be in action, to do something to get through things. When I feel sad, I feel helpless.

I try to take good care of myself these days. I listen more to what I want, to what I need and it is a huge step for me since I'm often pretty hard on myself. Luckily I have friends and family around, good colleagues and a job I like. It has been so helpful. And this forum. I don't post much, but it really helps me to read your stories.

How do you cope with sadness? Do you or did you sometimes have trouble trusting your judgment after getting out of a bpd relationship?

I'm interested to hear your thoughts and experiences.

[BigEasyHeart]

Hello all!

Nevertheless, I still feel traumatized. I still feel very confused by what has happened to me. I went through a lot of anger for having been treated that way in a relationship and for letting someone treat me that way instead of leaving earlier. Anger helped me to feel more confident in my choices.

Lately, I feel more depressed, I'm having more difficulty to trust my own judgment. I wonder what if I imagined all this? Rationally, I know that is not the case. Rationally, I know it was not a good relationship for me. But it feels like I still need external validation to tell me it was ok to leave. I think the sadness part is harder for me since I prefer to be in action, to do something to get through things. When I feel sad, I feel helpless.

I try to take good care of myself these days. I listen more to what I want, to what I need and it is a huge step for me since I'm often pretty hard on myself. Luckily I have friends and family around, good colleagues and a job I like. It has been so helpful. And this forum. I don't post much, but it really helps me to read your stories.

How do you cope with sadness? Do you or did you sometimes have trouble trusting your judgment after getting out of a bpd relationship?

I'm interested to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Hi keepitup,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. Thankfully, I was never threatened with physical abuse but the mental stuff messed with my head so much. I was left out of the blue. I think your choice to leave was the right one given your situation. But either way, living like that and the breakup with this kind of person is very tough to get a handle on mentally.

I go back and forth between anger, sadness, and empathy for my ex. Like you, I question my own judgment as a result of this relationship. I've decided not to jump back into dating of any sort for now. The way I look at this is this: My ex was traumatized by her experiences as a young child. Her traumatic experiences are a big part of why she acted the way she did with me. The way she broke up with me, and how she acted during and after the relationship was definitely a traumatic experience for me. If I jump back into dating, chances are I'll pass that trauma on to someone else. I can't control what she does to the next person she's in a relationship but I can try to control myself. The buck stops here. I don't want to expose someone to the kind of trauma I experienced if I can at all help it. I'm now trying to address the effects of this trauma through therapy as well as other ways of taking care of myself. It sounds like you are doing the same.

I know the sadness you refer to. I don't have a magic answer to that. All I can say is to allow yourself to feel it in a way that is healthy for you. Don't ignore it but don't put a timeline on it either. This is your journey and you will know when it is right to let go of that. I hope I will too!

Thank you for sharing your struggles. Today has been a particularly tough one for me and seeing the similarities in your post have made me fell a bit less alone.

Keep it up keepitup!

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey, I am going through a lot of this, not exactly, because my relationships that ended or are low contact aren't BF/GF. But I also have knowledge about it, as my ex-GF, who I was with for 10 years (ended 10 years ago had BPD).

It's completely normal to not trust your judgment, it takes time, but I find it reassuring educating yourself about the disorder, and codependency, asserting yourself, and asserting your worth through actions. You build confidence by making better decisions. But don't be fooled either by yourself, be cautious, your subconscious is drawn to people like this, and that's a tough pattern to break. I have tons of knowledge about these things, and my instincts still got the best of me.

Sorrow is about acceptance, it's where reality hits you, it's hard, it's vulnerable, it's also relieving. It's where most of the answers come from. I think it's important to go through sorrow, but if you feel stuck in it, or feel too overwhelmed, open your eyes to the world around you, after a good cry (like I did yesterday) I saw a silly bird flapping his wings, acting ridiculous and cute, and I got such a kick out of him! Remember that there's a new found hope because of the acceptance, that is coming your way, but it's hard, so be kind to yourself.

Confusion is a natural part of these relationships, the trauma bond and erratic behavior are tough to unwind. Your heart has to catch up to what your head knows, and I think even your head needs to catch up to what your heart knows. Just realize no one deserves abuse. Codependency is unhealthy and even damaging, but it's not malicious or intentional, and it certainly is no excuse to be abused.

One thing that helps me with confusion, to accept it, is to realize, that before there is clarity, there is always confusion. If you are lost, it's okay to be lost, the answers will come in their own time, as long as you take care of yourself, and keep an eye out for them. I have a tendency to search for answers too hard, and then I get frustrated and remind myself that maybe right now isn't the right time for the answers to come.

Hope you feel better, it's a tough road to heal, but you deserve it.

[tina7868]

Hey keepitup! Thank you for starting this topic and sharing your experience, and thank you to those who have replied as well.

My heart goes out to you. I was with my ex on and off for four years, and then for two years there were cycles of contact and no contact. This last year he has been in a relationship, throughout which we've remained in minimal contact. While our situations differ, and I am far from having mastered my own emotions, I can relate to the feelings you describe.

How do you cope with sadness? Do you or did you sometimes have trouble trusting your judgment after getting out of a bpd relationship?

I regularly feel sadness. I also feel anger, tell myself I was too good for him, tell myself sometimes things just don't work out, let go of everything, feel ready to move on, only to have my feelings return. I am, to put it mildly, constantly humbled by these waves of emotions. They used to be chaotic and drive me to action (that ended up making things worse). I've learned to sit with them and let them be. I have a tendency to be hard on myself, and I would view returning to previous states as a failure on my part. It isn't. Every time I have felt sadness, it has always come with relief, a way of seeing things that I hadn't considered before, or a stronger version of a view I already had. Give yourself time, be patient and compassionate with yourself. I've learned that not only is it important to love yourself, it's important to love being yourself, in the sense that you show up for yourself every day, meeting yourself at where you are at in your process.

I had a lot of trouble trusting myself. I think it's normal when you feel so confused for so long.To me, it felt like my ex's actions were tied to an error on my part, that if I had acted ´properly´ then maybe things would be different. I learned that I can only control my own actions. From then on, when faced with a decision, I would think through how I felt before taking action, and accept that if things didn't work out then at least I acted with integrity as to what I thought was for the best, as opposed to reacting. Every time I do that, I build up my trust in myself. I still feel unsure, but I now I also trust myself to have my back, and I try not to be hard on myself.

I try to take good care of myself these days. I listen more to what I want, to what I need and it is a huge step for me since I'm often pretty hard on myself. Luckily I have friends and family around, good colleagues and a job I like. It has been so helpful. And this forum. I don't post much, but it really helps me to read your stories.

It's awesome that you're taking good care of yourself, have a support network, and a job you like  . It's important to highlight the positives. They can be easy to forget when feeling sad. Lean into these aspects, and explore new ones. Therapy, journaling, exercise...anything that peaks you feel might be helpful. Incorporate them into your life and see how you feel. Some will stick, some won't and that's okay.

Be patient and kind with yourself.

[BigEasyHeart]

The sadness and the missing sucks. One thing I sometimes try to do is to pay attention to when it comes up and see if there is a pattern. For instance, I notice when I have a lot of work to do I miss her a lot because while we lived together we were both mainly working from home. We would take breaks, walk, make silly jokes, congratulate each other when we met a goal and generally support each other. It made working fun. So, I can't replace that directly but now that I know that, I can notice it when it comes up and try to do something on my own that gives me some joy. I hope that slowly over time, my brain will rewire so that I'm able to give myself some of the really good feelings I had from being with her (when the times were good and before I was devalued and discarded).

I don't have any magic bullet though. I'm really missing my ex today especially because it is a beautiful day out and I have to work because of a looming deadline.

[keepitup]

Thank you for your replies and kind words!

@BigEasyHeart, I'm sorry for what you are going through too. I'm glad sharing my story helped you a little. I wish you all the best in your healing process.

I go back and forth between anger, sadness, and empathy for my ex. Like you, I question my own judgment as a result of this relationship. I've decided not to jump back into dating of any sort for now. The way I look at this is this: My ex was traumatized by her experiences as a young child. Her traumatic experiences are a big part of why she acted the way she did with me. The way she broke up with me, and how she acted during and after the relationship was definitely a traumatic experience for me. If I jump back into dating, chances are I'll pass that trauma on to someone else. I can't control what she does to the next person she's in a relationship but I can try to control myself. The buck stops here. I don't want to expose someone to the kind of trauma I experienced if I can at all help it.

I know what you mean, this is where I am at too. Going back and forth through feelings of anger, guilt, sadness... I used to have sympathy for my ex, but I don't anymore. I think it is sad that he lived a difficult childhood, but since he was very well aware of his bpd, his symptoms and did not want help nor wanted to take responsability for hurting people, nor showed regrets in doing so, I can't feel sorry for him. At this point, I think it becomes a choice.

I agree with you about waiting for dating again. Even though I would very much like to start anew with someone, it is wiser to take the time to heal, as you do too.

The sadness and the missing sucks. One thing I sometimes try to do is to pay attention to when it comes up and see if there is a pattern.

Yes... this is how I am feeling too. It's good that you are able to recognize these patterns. It will definitely help you in your recovery process and I thank you for this advice. In my case, I miss my ex when I go to places when we used to hang out when things were great at the beginning of our relationship. It traumatizes me to remember the downward spiral I went through when he started to show his true colors and stopped to respect me. I miss him when I feel insecure about my future, because it provided me a sense of security to have a boyfriend as I thought I was building a future with him (even though I realized later on that it was built on lies). I'm an anxious person, so one of the things I definitely have to work through is feeling secure by myself, to understand that I can care for myself on my own.

@NarcsEverywhere, thank you for your reply and your kind words. These relationships really take a toll on you even if they were not romantic per se, so I have no doubt you get it. You seem to go through something difficult too and I hope things get better on your end too.

 

Confusion is a natural part of these relationships, the trauma bond and erratic behavior are tough to unwind. Your heart has to catch up to what your head knows, and I think even your head needs to catch up to what your heart knows. Just realize no one deserves abuse. Codependency is unhealthy and even damaging, but it's not malicious or intentional, and it certainly is no excuse to be abused.

One thing that helps me with confusion, to accept it, is to realize, that before there is clarity, there is always confusion. If you are lost, it's okay to be lost, the answers will come in their own time, as long as you take care of yourself, and keep an eye out for them.

I agree that these relationships leave you confused. I read on the trauma bond too. Definitely what I went through and I understand that this is why I sometimes miss my ex even though he said and did mean things to me. But you are right. No one deserves abuse. Period.

@tina7868, thank you for taking the time to reply. I recognize myself in the process you describe and it helps me feeling less alone.

 

I am, to put it mildly, constantly humbled by these waves of emotions.

I had a lot of trouble trusting myself. I think it's normal when you feel so confused for so long.To me, it felt like my ex's actions were tied to an error on my part, that if I had acted ´properly´ then maybe things would be different. I learned that I can only control my own actions. From then on, when faced with a decision, I would think through how I felt before taking action, and accept that if things didn't work out then at least I acted with integrity as to what I thought was for the best, as opposed to reacting. Every time I do that, I build up my trust in myself. I still feel unsure, but I now I also trust myself to have my back, and I try not to be hard on myself.

My feelings come in waves like yours and I think it is a good idea to just accept them and to see going back and forth as being part of the process instead of a failure.

I know what you mean, I felt so much guilt over the years thinking I should have said this or I should have done that to deescalate this situation or to avoid this fight. I'm not perfect, but I always stayed respectful and tried my very very best to make things better. I have been on the bettering board for some time before the break up. I even chose my name "keepitup" because I was determined to make things better, to do my best and to get through hardships no matter what. Today, I realize that there are things that are not worth fighting for. Being abused is a price I am not willing to pay to help someone or to stay in a relationship with someone. Well, today I keep up working on myself to make sure I heal from my wounds and create a happy life of my own .