Guilt Over Refusing Financial Assistance

[AcheyMom]

There is a long backstory why I have decided not to give my 33 yr old daughter any more money.  It involves her spending two accident settlements totalling hundreds of thousands of dollars in a matter of moths and having nothing to show for it.  Nothing was for her son either.  She has a long history of addiction, and recently spending the $500 bank account I set up for my grandson.  She took the bank card I gave him likely to buy cigarettes and marijuana.  He was devastated as it was like his life savings.

Also, she got out of hospital last week and bought a puppy the next day.  I simply told her that she was an adult and her choices have consequences and that we are unable to help financially.  She told me I wasn’t behaving like a mother.  That is her go-to manipulation tactic.  I am getting stronger because I recognize it now and it doesn’t work.  I don’t change my mind.

We are getting older and need to think of our retirement.  She has had more money than anyone I know in lump sums.  She is irresponsible with it.  She could have bought a home but instead must have partied it away.  My husband and I have worked hard for everything we have.  My husband had a heart attack and still works outside in the heat all summer to pay our bills.  So why do I feel so guilty not helping someone who is not interested in helping themselves?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

Something I posted a while back that might help you with the guilt as it did me was this article about failure to launch. The author lists 5 types of adult children and the emotional button each type pushes to get money from us, the parent-as-ATM-machine:
 
1. The first type pushes our Hope button by always promising that he's about to get the job that sticks, thus attaining his, and your, financial freedom.
2. The second type pushes our Fear button by always saying that if we don't cough up the money, she'll crash her car/sell drugs/be homeless.
3. The third type pushes our Guilt button by reminding us of any failings we had as parents when they were children, whether it be a divorce or that we inadvertently exposed them to anything less than ideal.
4. The fourth type pushes our Sympathy button by seemingly not having the intellect or ability to live independently.
5. The fifth type pushes our Intimidation button by breaking things or being verbally or physically abusive.
6. The sixth type pushes our Exhaustion button by simply refusing to do anything until we are tired and frustrated enough to just give her what she wants rather than argue anymore.

Link to the article:
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-2-how-adult-children-work-the-parent-system/

I also created a poll to see how/if folks here were financially supporting their adult children. There weren't that many responses but the results might be of interest:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350108.msg13150859#msg13150859

Then there is this, the first thread I started here about stopping our help. I believe there was quite a bit of discussion about financial assistance and guilt:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=349941.msg13151801#msg13151801

I at first felt tremendously guilty even thinking about stopping my financial support completely. Three years after those initial first thoughts and now two years after stopping it and one year since he aged out of family health insurance, I can say that it was without doubt the best decision I made in regard to all this. With zero financial ties between us, our relationship has moved much further away from being a transactional one.

[AcheyMom]

Thank you so much for sharing these resources with me.  Very helpful, especially the long thread you shared. It is helpful to read the stories of others and see you’re not alone, while also sad that this disorder is so damaging to all involved.  I imagine being the one with BPD is very painful as well which is where the guilt really gets me.  I know they hate being alone so when I back off I just picture her broken, sick and all alone.  I keep hoping she will learn to be nice to people instead of using and abusing people. I don’t understand why they can’t understand the simple concept that you get more flies with honey than vinegar!  They feel they need us so badly but can be so mean.