Manipulative letter and gift

[WalkbyFaith]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've popped in to the forum here.

As some may remember, I've been NC with my uBPD mother and enabler father for a year & a half now (and my siblings cut me off as a result, as they are all very enmeshed with mom). My mom has continued to try to reach out via text multiple times over the past 18-ish months, though I'd made it very clear I was done talking and was taking an indefinite break. She has tried various different approaches and tactics in her messages but I have not answered any of them. Most recently she even asked if her and my dad could come visit us! (I definitely wanted to respond to that one with a  NO but I refrained  )

Anyway.. today I got a package in the mail from her. (she does not have my exact address, only my MIL's address who lives in our town). The package contained a handwritten letter, a USB drive, and a wrapped gift for my toddler son.

My DH and I read the letter together. She stated that she's recognized it's time to "step away" (as if I hadn't already done that?) and to "let go" and stop trying to pursue reconciliation -- her reason being because I've "made it clear" that I don't want that (no kidding). Said it's so hard because she knows it might be final and she hates letting go of me and my son (she can't stand my husband). But assured me that she will continue praying for me and my family daily.

Oh - and she explained that the USB drive contains a bunch of my old photos because they were cleaning off their computer and wanted to make sure I had whatever photos I wanted of my friends, etc. I haven't looked at it yet.

It was helpful to read the letter together with DH so he could help me process it... I could immediately recognize the FOG and manipulation tactics, and mostly just let it go.

Then after DH went to work and after I put my son down for his nap, I opened the little package to see what she had sent for him. That's when I nearly lost it. So the background -- there was a little toy from my childhood that I loved, and YEARS ago (before I even had my son) I had texted my mom and asked if I could have it for my kids. She told me no, that it didn't belong just to me, it belonged to me and my sister together, so the toy was going to stay at her house where all the grandkids could play with it. I was disappointed (since we lived across the continent from them), but whatever. So today -- I open this package and it's THAT TOY. Not the same exact one from my childhood but a replica, a new one just like it.

No way in the world am I giving that to my son. I will throw that one in the trash and buy another one myself before I give him the one she sent. Is that shallow and petty? Maybe. But I know that despite how much I loved the toy as a child and wanted him to have one... if he has that one, I'll be thinking about her and her emotional manipulation every time he plays with it.

So... this is my processing and venting. Thanks for letting me jump back in, where I know you all understand this chaos. Now, as my DH reminded me, I'll go back to focusing on my healing, my growth, and attempting to let them be what they've chosen to be (despite my grief).

[Pook075]

I clicked on this thread out of sheer curiosity of the "mysterious gift", and your title did not disappoint.  I'm sorry you're going through this and I can only imagine how you reacted.

The gift, the photos, and the letter were clearly attempts at manipulation.  Usually I'd end it at that, but this one touched me a little bit because the manipulation was to be a part of your life again.  I mean, it couldn't have been easy to track down a new version of that toy...she put some real effort into that.

If you cherish that toy and throw it away, what is that saying?  If you bought the toy new yourself it would still remind you of your mom every time anyway, so the real choice here is whether or not to deny your kid of a toy you really want them to have.

Personally, and don't shoot the messenger here, I think you should send a letter back to your mom.  The letter should contain your boundaries- stuff like, "I do miss you but my husband has to be 1st in my life.  It's a shame you can't see the man that he is and respect him for it.  He's a great dad too."

Manipulation cuts two ways, and if there's any shred of you that wants to salvage your relationship with your mom, I think you should play the game and reply.  That's just me though.

[Notwendy]

I agree with keeping the toy- it's from your childhood. It has a different feeling to you now but I think it's a good idea to not discard it based on this current feeling. You could put it in a box out of the way for now, but not discard it.

My BPD mother uses material things as manipulations as well. My response is like yours- to not want anything from her as this is the only way to avoid that control. She often asks me, or others, if we want something and if we say yes, she won't give it to me.
She has done this many times.

She didn't allow me to have any of my father's sentimental items when he passed and I know this was intentional. She didn't want them. Eventually she allowed me to have some later and I understand- the feeling about having them is more complicated.

Ironically, I now have some of the contents of her house. We needed to take out all the personal items so it could be cleared and sold. When we cleared the house, there were a couple of my childhood toys there. I wasn't sure if I wanted them so I left them but then changed my mind and a family friend boxed them up and sent them to me.

Your son is too young to be curious about your childhood, but in time, he may be. I have found that my kids enjoy looking through the memorabilia. They are curious about their family history and think these items  are cool. They don't have the emotional ambivalence that we have.

I can relate to the feeling of not wanting the items for myself personally but my children feel differently about them.  For your son, this is his mother's childhood toy and so, keep it for him.

[Riv3rW0lf]

WalkbyFaith

... Yeah, this one is hard.

My BPD mother has sent letters, items and gifts for my children, but none of them carries this kind of giant emotional stain on it. They are mostly low quality toys and PJs.

Recently she did however sent a letter with pictures of her new dog, of my brother (whom I haven't seen since I cut contact with BPD mother because he prefer not to, to protect himself), and of my niece and nephew. I read it and couldn't help thinking like they were kept hostage by her emotional drama. They cannot see us, unless they want to face her.

I absolutely disagree about writing her back to "salvage the relationship" unless you are emotionally ready to do so, which I don't feel is the case from your writing. I once listened to my brother who told me the same thing and it backfired terribly. Your need to heal, and need to be no contact in order to do so was made clear, and unless YOU feel a need to do it in YOUR healing journey, you should stick to supporting yourself right now, to supporting little WBF.

We spent our whole life living their emotions for them, carrying them when we were much too young to do so... You deserve to be there for yourself. You have a right to come first. I understand the part of you that feels guilty about it, but you also have a right to be angry at those manipulations tactics she just did.

Maybe there was love, maybe there was longing, but it doesn't matter : it's too little too late... And we know them too well now, don't we? We "get" the hidden message behind the choices, and it often is hurtful more than anything.

As for keeping the toy... I agree that watching your son play with it might be incredibly triggering. I am actually unnerved by the fact she sent it to him, instead of to you? I am not sure why I feel this way... Maybe because it's an indirect message to you, in the end. Ultimately the gift was not truly meant for your child, it was meant to touch you deep; it's emotional manipulation at its finest. One last big attempt to win you back with "how much she loves you".

But one toy from the past cannot heal the past. If anything, it will only stir up all the emotional turmoil associated with it. It's a fantasy toy; one from some happy moments you had, between two rages. The child trying to be a child amidst the chaos and the manipulations. It's not love, it's a deep cut, a punch to the guts. She doesn't acknowledge the root of the problems of the relationship, she goes around it by playing with your emotions, which our mothers are masters at doing.

My mother writes her most emotional manipulations as letter to my children, who can't read. I always find it very telling that she cannot bring herself, now again, to confront me, and talk to me directly.

So I don't know about the toy... If it was me, I might keep it in a box for a while, see how I feel about it in a few months. Maybe I'd give it away at some point, maybe not. But putting it in a box would give me room to... Unmesh? The traumas from the object.

I'd recommend checking in with little WalkByFaith... Write her. Have her answer you with your left hand. Open the communication with her. Remind her you are there for her, that she isn't alone anymore. That you love her and got her back.  

I am sorry. I so very get it. Being no contact is another kind of struggle. It's easier in some ways, and harder in other ways. It's hard to understand, and I realise that some people will simply never get it and it's hard to find people that we can talk to about it without being judged harshly, or without them (maybe unconsciously?) trying to steer us back toward our abuser before we are ready because of their own fear and bias (especially when they had children with a BPD partner...).

[Notwendy]

I just re-red this and realized it's not the actual toy but a new replica of it. If that is something that can be bought anywhere, it doesn't have the same sentimental value. If it was the original, I'd keep it.

The new toy doesn't have a happy meaning to it but it could bring happiness to some other child, and so one idea is to donate it to a shelter or charity.

[zachira]

I am low contact with my FOO and most of my extended family. What I have learned after dealing with years of manipulations and being one of the scapegoats, is that the most disordered members of my family abuse and manipulate others to avoid facing that how they mistreat others is really about how they feel about themselves deep down inside and when they are nice it is artificial and manipulative, not heartfelt kindness. What hit me the hardest about your mother's contacting you, is there is no apology and she is blaming you for how she has behaved. It seems she is saying since you want nothing to do with me, than I am going to hurt you as deeply as I can by letting you know I want nothing to do with you. It seems like she wants you to come crawling back to her and resume the relationship on her terms. The cruelty of her words and actions are beyond what I can put into words. I don't think this is the last you will hear from her. If you do contact her, it will likely be sending her a message that she can continue to contact you.
I frequently hear from my disordered family members and mostly ignore their messages and/or limit what I tell them. Each time it happens, I find I am better at calming myself down and getting back to baseline sooner and with much less intense overwhelming feelings than in the past. What helps you to continue to let your mother rent less space in your head and to get back to your loving husband  and child and the things that mean the most to you in the rewarding life you have created for yourself and your chosen family?

[WalkbyFaith]

Thank you, kind friends, for your feedback and words of advice.
After talking with my DH, we decided not to give the toy to our son. My DH's view was, why let it be connected to such a painful memory / association with her?

I am actually unnerved by the fact she sent it to him, instead of to you? I am not sure why I feel this way... Maybe because it's an indirect message to you, in the end. Ultimately the gift was not truly meant for your child, it was meant to touch you deep; it's emotional manipulation at its finest. One last big attempt to win you back with "how much she loves you".

Riv3rW0lf, you hit the nail on the head here. No matter how much she says she LOVES my son (she has only met him twice in his three years of life, but is obsessed with him) - I recognize that tactics like this are truly aimed at me. Communicating a "hidden" message by way of communicating to him.

What hit me the hardest about your mother's contacting you, is there is no apology and she is blaming you for how she has behaved... It seems like she wants you to come crawling back to her and resume the relationship on her terms. 

Zachira, this is absolutely correct. I will say she has attempted "apologies" a couple times over the past year & a half, but the apologies are always centered around how it's really my fault for misunderstanding her and/or not forgiving her. It's a lot of "I'm sorry you feel/think ___" or "I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong."
I actually just wrote in my journal yesterday, "How much of myself would I have to sacrifice to her, in order to reconcile?" Because you're right, she absolutely wants reconciliation on HER terms, meaning I accept that she's the victim and I'm the villian.

I think this letter was probably her hail-mary attempt at getting my attention and making me feel guilty enough to come back to her, by telling me she's not going to "pursue reconciliation" anymore. In fact, she just posted this cryptic message on her personal facebook page last week: "Had to release that final bit of hold. It's very sad, but also freeing. Brings some unexpected peace." I had a feeling when I saw it that she was referring to me, but her letter confirmed that.

My DH reminded me that this is what we wanted to happen when we cut contact -- we've been waiting for her to finally get that we are serious about this and she can't just win us back with gifts, texts, and fake apologies. He thinks her "letting go" is a good step. I see his point, but it still feels like a little bit of a gut-punch, too.