Facing threats from former friend with BPD

[kuneho]

I used to be the favorite person of my friend. He would confide in me all his struggles and he'd ask for advice about a girl he liked. He was obsessed over the girl but rejected him.

A year after he was rejected, he suddnely accused me of convincing the girl to reject him. No matter what I said to defend myself my friend would insist that I betrayed him. He started sending me and my mom threatening texts saying things like allahu akbar. That he wants me to suffer for all the pain I caused him. He said I'd have to kill him first if I don't want to suffer. We ignored these texts thinking it would go away but after 10 months of getting regular messages, we all blocked him.

It's been 2 weeks since we blocked him and so far he hasn't tried to contact us. However, he knows my work and home address so we are very anxious about whether he will do anything.

He has not been formally diagnosed with BPD but his symptoms fit. We've tried talking to his family but they're afraid of him as well as he has also threatened to kill his own mom.

Was it the right move to block him? Is there a real risk he'll escalate and carry out his threats? Is there anything I can do to protect myself?

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[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  I'm sorry you're going through this and it's a position many of us have been in before in our relationships with friends and/or family.  I've seen my BPD daughter do it many times to former friends and she becomes filled with anger and wrath. 

Question- why'd you wait 10 months to block him?  Were there any positive conversations in there as well? 

It does sound like there's some mental illness there and his words "you'll have to kill me" are troublesome; he's currently set on the path of making you pay.  There are essentially two choices- talk to him to change his narrative, or avoid him completely while reporting any stalking or threatening behavior to the police.  Escalation is certainly possible since he's currently fixated on you as the source of his pain.

Did you make the right choice blocking him?  I think so, but again...why wait 10 months?  I feel like you skipped over an important part of the story that would give more clarity.

One last thing; Allahu Akbar means "glory to God" or "God is greater".  That's not a threat in itself, even though many terrorists have said the words as they carried out atrocities.  Those words are spoken in mosques daily by devout followers and misrepresented by others hoping to be glorified by their evil actions.  It is concerning in context.

Have you spoken to the police at all?  I'm not sure where you are in the world, but a restraining order may be beneficial if it's available there.  Also, if there's any direct threats you've received in text form, bring them to the police.  This is not something to play around with.  He may just be venting but there's a chance that he could take action as well.

[Rev]

I used to be the favorite person of my friend. He would confide in me all his struggles and he'd ask for advice about a girl he liked. He was obsessed over the girl but rejected him.

A year after he was rejected, he suddnely accused me of convincing the girl to reject him. No matter what I said to defend myself my friend would insist that I betrayed him. He started sending me and my mom threatening texts saying things like allahu akbar. That he wants me to suffer for all the pain I caused him. He said I'd have to kill him first if I don't want to suffer. We ignored these texts thinking it would go away but after 10 months of getting regular messages, we all blocked him.

It's been 2 weeks since we blocked him and so far he hasn't tried to contact us. However, he knows my work and home address so we are very anxious about whether he will do anything.

He has not been formally diagnosed with BPD but his symptoms fit. We've tried talking to his family but they're afraid of him as well as he has also threatened to kill his own mom.

Was it the right move to block him? Is there a real risk he'll escalate and carry out his threats? Is there anything I can do to protect myself?

Good morning Kuneho,

Thanks for this email. It is a very important question you are asking.  Because this comes up more often that perhaps we talk about. I think that one of the reasons is that it can feel more than a little scary. I would add that the scariness is particularly true given the state of the society today.   

I would suggest that you become very clinical about this. Focus on the behaviors that you will no longer tolerate and act according to

A) Your own values
B) What is legal - as in do not take matters into your own hands. (I have a cease and desist written to my ex for similar reasons to what you describe here). My lawyer was very adept in making this happen.

I'd like to ask you a question that is implied in your reaching out for help here - Have you considered seeking short term therapy to build the mindset you'll need to make this decision?  These kinds of situations can cause a lot of emotional turbulence.

In the meantime, to answer your question directly - at least from my point of view - from what you write  here - blocking and no contact are the right choices. If you do feel the need to respond, seek out professional advice prior - even if that is something as simple as visiting a police station to ask for information.

What do  you think?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[kuneho]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  I'm sorry you're going through this and it's a position many of us have been in before in our relationships with friends and/or family.  I've seen my BPD daughter do it many times to former friends and she becomes filled with anger and wrath. 

Question- why'd you wait 10 months to block him?  Were there any positive conversations in there as well? 

It does sound like there's some mental illness there and his words "you'll have to kill me" are troublesome; he's currently set on the path of making you pay.  There are essentially two choices- talk to him to change his narrative, or avoid him completely while reporting any stalking or threatening behavior to the police.  Escalation is certainly possible since he's currently fixated on you as the source of his pain.

Did you make the right choice blocking him?  I think so, but again...why wait 10 months?  I feel like you skipped over an important part of the story that would give more clarity.

One last thing; Allahu Akbar means "glory to God" or "God is greater".  That's not a threat in itself, even though many terrorists have said the words as they carried out atrocities.  Those words are spoken in mosques daily by devout followers and misrepresented by others hoping to be glorified by their evil actions.  It is concerning in context.

Have you spoken to the police at all?  I'm not sure where you are in the world, but a restraining order may be beneficial if it's available there.  Also, if there's any direct threats you've received in text form, bring them to the police.  This is not something to play around with.  He may just be venting but there's a chance that he could take action as well.

Hi thanks very much for your reply.

I waited 10 months because I thought he would just get over it. I was afraid that blocking him would lead him to find other ways to harass me. Last month I got engaged and I didn't want this issue to affect my future marriage. I kept my engagement private because I knew he'd get triggered. I tried reaching out but he asked me to not message him unless I was confessing to whatever he thinks I did. He refuses to share what I did. I didn't reply to him anymore. Our moms are friends so my mom reached out but the mom already knew what was happening and didn't want to intervene.

Basically I didn't have many options left so I went ahead and announced my engagement on social media. As expected he posted another threat on the post. I had enough and I decided to block him from everything.

I live in a third world Asian country so enforcement of law isn't very strong. I also don't want things to escalate so I'll turn to police only if he escalates first.

So far his threats haven't been so specific. He just sends rage filled texts cursing me and saying that my time will come. And that my future children will see their father suffer.

As far as I'm aware, he hasn't ever carried out his threats against other people in the past. Hopefully he finds another outlet.

[kuneho]

Good morning Kuneho,

Thanks for this email. It is a very important question you are asking.  Because this comes up more often that perhaps we talk about. I think that one of the reasons is that it can feel more than a little scary. I would add that the scariness is particularly true given the state of the society today.   

I would suggest that you become very clinical about this. Focus on the behaviors that you will no longer tolerate and act according to

A) Your own values
B) What is legal - as in do not take matters into your own hands. (I have a cease and desist written to my ex for similar reasons to what you describe here). My lawyer was very adept in making this happen.

I'd like to ask you a question that is implied in your reaching out for help here - Have you considered seeking short term therapy to build the mindset you'll need to make this decision?  These kinds of situations can cause a lot of emotional turbulence.

In the meantime, to answer your question directly - at least from my point of view - from what you write  here - blocking and no contact are the right choices. If you do feel the need to respond, seek out professional advice prior - even if that is something as simple as visiting a police station to ask for information.

What do  you think?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

Hi Rev, thanks so much for your reply. You may be right that I myself and my family now need some therapy ourselves. We've become very anxious that he might strike any day.

I've considered the legal approach but I'm afraid he will escalate further if we go to the police.

At this point I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance whether BPDs tend to carry out their threats or if their texting is just a way to release their anger.

[kuneho]

So I guess at this point I just want to know if my BPD friend will get over this at some point and move on or will his desire for revenge always be there. Should I just maintain blocking him or should I try to engage again and apologize for blocking and then affirm my desire to be friends to appease him? At this point I'm most concerned about my safety and that of my family.

[Pook075]

So I guess at this point I just want to know if my BPD friend will get over this at some point and move on or will his desire for revenge always be there. Should I just maintain blocking him or should I try to engage again and apologize for blocking and then affirm my desire to be friends to appease him? At this point I'm most concerned about my safety and that of my family.

Unfortunately, there's no steadfast answer here since either path could blow up on you.  No contact is generally accepted as the "safer" path since he'll eventually find someone else to fixate on.  Reaching out could mend things as well, but what can you say today that you haven't already said over the past 10 months?  Unless there's something new and insightful, I would discourage you from trying.

[Rev]

Hi Rev, thanks so much for your reply. You may be right that I myself and my family now need some therapy ourselves. We've become very anxious that he might strike any day.

I've considered the legal approach but I'm afraid he will escalate further if we go to the police.

At this point I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance whether BPDs tend to carry out their threats or if their texting is just a way to release their anger.

Exactly why you are advised to go to therapy.

If I may make a suggestion - because not all therapists are created equal and there are different approaches here.

Excessive fear, regardless of whether it is founded or not (which is not a black and white thing either - lots of gray around what is founded) will mess with your nervous system in a major way.

I would suggest that looking for a therapist who specializes in emotional regulation - that is remaining in a cognitive/emotional balance so that you can literally think straight, communicate effectively and make choices that improve your self confidence rather than cause you to suppress challenging emotions  - that would be a place to start.

Google ACCEPTANCE and COMMITMENT THERAPY as a place to start.

And I agree with Pook here. Reaching out seems like a no-win situation here.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[SaltyDawg]

Hi Rev, thanks so much for your reply. You may be right that I myself and my family now need some therapy ourselves. We've become very anxious that he might strike any day.

I've considered the legal approach but I'm afraid he will escalate further if we go to the police.

At this point I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance whether BPDs tend to carry out their threats or if their texting is just a way to release their anger.

I concur with the others to seek some 'therapy' for the fear, as that can be debilitating.  I also agree not to engage him any further, as it may escalate.

Do have a 'safety plan' which involves escalating to the police, if he escalates it, there is one here you may want to print and fill out for you and your fiance.  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

If you are really concerned, you can do a free threat assessment at https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ (select the domestic violence - male offender) it will give you a 10-point scale (most are 3-9, my wife was an 8) on how high the threat is, my wife has stopped hitting me as she knows I will escalate by going to the police.

Also, many social media platforms can block a specific person, encourage you and your fiance (and family members) to block your ex-friend.  While it won't prevent him from harassing you, it will limit what he can see of what you and your fiance post, and their respective families.

Consider hiring a security guard or use a venue that has security at your wedding, in case he shows up (have a photo so he can be visually identified by security), paying someone extra during the wedding may give you extra peace of mind, and limit the disruption if he does show up.

Circling back to your statement "I'm just looking for some reassurance whether BPDs tend to carry out their threats or if their texting is just a way to release their anger."  While this is not foolproof; however, since you have known this friend for years, look at their past behaviors towards others, and that will give you a pretty good indication of what he is or is not capable of.  If there has been no violence in the past, then the future will likely not have violence (the MOSIAC uses this).  Also, pwBPD, are emotionally at a toddler in emotional age, my own therapists recommend that I use a firm voice, like you would a toddler, and tell them not to do something you don't want them to do.

If you have more questions, please ask.

Take care, with self-care.

SD

[kuneho]

Thank you very much for all your replies. I will take all your advice regarding therapy, no contact and taking precautions. I really appreciate all the support!

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you very much for all your replies. I will take all your advice regarding therapy, no contact and taking precautions. I really appreciate all the support!

kuneho,

You're welcome.  Check back in any time you need support.

I wish you the best in everything, including your new engagement, congratulations.

Take care with self-care.

SD