Moved out Oct 7

[DaydreamH]

Hi:)
I made the very difficult decision to leave my husband Oct 7.
We were married for just under 3 years but we were friends for years before becoming romantically involved.
Much of what I read here is familiar. We got married quickly, he made me feel seen and heard and so wanted.
The first time he became dystegulated was at the gym. I made a comment about something being a “ house of cards”. He lost it. Off the treadmill, I’m chasing behind him completely lost about what happened. Apologized profusely….. it was awful. That was 1.5 months in to the marriage. Fast forward to 2 summers of yelling and celebrating 3 days in a row of getting along. He would say he had no time to listen to “ my stuff” cuz he had his own. Finally, after feeling like just a person he wanted at home to clean, cook help with his 2 kids and be a warm body to sleep beside and someone to yell at…. I did it. I left.
So much relief at first. Peace at home finally! But the pain of losing who I thought I married is really overwhelming now. We had seen eachother a few times to try to repair the marriage but then 2 weeks ago my friend found him on a Facebook page “ are we dating the same man” and there was 53 comments. All women he was dating. Multiple accounts with different names. His new gf ( well old as she was who he dated before we got married) chiming him to defend her partner. While he blamed it all on an account being created. I heard from a trusted source he made that up to avoid accountability to his gf. He knows I know but he has not said a word to me. Just mad about how this is all my fault because I left. I just feel incredibly sad and hurt and I’m grieving . Always wondering what I missed and how I could have loved him more….. reading the previous posts helps a lot. I’ve managed to have no contact with him since I found out about the social media posts. I did not react and contact him. I’ve been seeing a therapist , journalling and diving deep into self help. This is unlike any emotional pain I’ve had before. Any advice or suggestions …. I’d greatly appreciate. I am a nurse and “ helping” is my thing. How did I fail my ex husband so badly…..

[Pensive1]

Hi DaydreamH,

Welcome to this board. What you're going through sounds really rough.

One thing I did that helped me a lot, after the breakup with my BPD ex, was to take an online course in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (the Happiness Trap course). It definitely helped reduce my emotional pain.

re: "How did I fail my ex husband so badly..."
It's easy for people with a strong self-sacrifice schema (myself included) to fall into this mindset. But I don't think it's necessarily warranted. I think it's common for people with a strong self-sacrifice schema (or codependent traits) to end up in a relationship with someone who is borderline or narcissistic (one person predominantly gives, and the other predominantly takes, and it creates a stable self-reinforcing system). The reality is, we're fairly powerless to "help" someone with such a personality disorder. Incidentally, I came across a paper, about a week ago, finding that nurses tend to have an above average level of self-sacrifice schema.

I'll also mention.... some of what you describe (including "All women he was dating. Multiple accounts with different names") leaves me wondering whether your ex might have NPD (versus BPD). There are substantial overlaps between BPD and NPD, and there also can be comorbidity (people fulfilling diagnostic criteria for both). Infidelity (and associated game-playing) is strongly correlated with level of narcissism. Though many people on this board (myself included) have experienced a BPD ex cheating on them.

re: "But the pain of losing who I thought I married is really overwhelming"
There's such idealization by people with BPD or NPD at the beginning of a relationship. It feels great to have that high beam of positive regard shining on you, and the mirroring can make it feel like you're twin flames. That makes the pain much greater, when the relationship is lost. But what was at the beginning may largely have been a fantasy - an illusion.

I hope time brings you healing.

[DaydreamH]

Hi Pensive,

Thank you for your kind words and your reply. It actually brought me to tears as we had wedding rings that were engraved the words twin flame. He is actually diagnosed BPD from his late 20s . He is 43 now. He was in DBT for a long time and high motivated to manage this but then believed he no longer met the criteria and was no longer going. Definitely i can see he has traits of narcissism which is no surprise as i do strongly believe his father is. I feel like i failed him in not recognizing his BPD was flaring up and not recommending he return to DBT. Not sure that would've gone over very well as he yelled at me a lot and everything i said was " the turn around game". All of this is of course my fault because i left the home " you don't leave someone you love, you stay and work it out but of course you run away from your problems. That is who you are. You are not a person of your word". I had started to develop anxiety that was causing me to have heart palpitations , sweating, felt like i couldn't breathe on drives home. I was not sleeping as i was so stressed out, losing my hair. I know that i needed to do this. I do know that. I am having some very complicated grief and i will look in to the course you mentioned.
Thank you!

[SinisterComplex]

Welcome Daydream.  Most importantly, please feel free to share as much as you want or would like to here. You picked a great support network to come to. We will have your back here.

So as not to overwhelm you I'll keep it short. Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Pensive1]

DaydreamH,

As SC said - be kind to yourself. It really sounds like you did the right thing. Regarding "I feel like I failed him" - you're not responsible for other people's choices - we don't have control over other people. For trying to work on an overly strong self-sacrifice schema (feeling overly responsible for others, etc.), Schema Therapy can be helpful. Here's a list and set of descriptions of maladaptive schemas: https://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm A good introductory book is "Reinventing Your Life" by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko (as an aside I'll mention that a recent meta-analysis found Schema Therapy even more effective than DBT in treatment of BPD, though not enough therapist are trained in it).

[DaydreamH]

Thank you both for your replies. Currently we are not speaking at all. He is spending his time letting everyone know how i took advantage of him financially despite him getting 80% of everything. How i am mean because if i actually loved him i wouldn't have left and would have stayed no matter what. I am thankful that his friends are very kind and supportive recognizing this is actually just more abuse. The only time i would require to engage with him is when our assets sell however even then it could just be through real estate agents i think.
I just feel really shocked to be honest that all of this has happened. When i initially left he was kind about it and it was actually the nicest he had been in a long time. Then came the lets stay married but live apart. Admittedly i thought that was worth trying as if we lived apart i wouldn't need to be taking care of all the household chores and getting yelled at all of the time. This is when he started the dating on multiple sites with different names as well as having his previous gf return to his life, with me only finding out when he was exposed on facebook " are we dating the same man" page.
Sort of feels like a W5   episode to be honest .
I will rebuild, i am seeing a therapist, have my codependency workbook, visiting the gym, consistent sleep habits and the money piece is nothing in comparaison to being able to have peaceful days and nights.
Its just all so confusing and hard to process.....

[kells76]

Hi DaydreamH;

I will rebuild, i am seeing a therapist, have my codependency workbook, visiting the gym, consistent sleep habits and the money piece is nothing in comparaison to being able to have peaceful days and nights.
Its just all so confusing and hard to process.....

Good to hear that you have support and resources right now. I'm in weekly therapy and even if I feel like "maybe I don't have anything to talk about", the structure and schedule is helpful -- I know that no matter what happens in the coming week, I'm only a week away from someone to lean on.

Right now, what would you say is the most confusing thing for you? Is it still those feelings of "how could I have loved him more/done more for him?" Or is it something else?