Something I’ve noticed about her family

[Boogie74]

Maybe it’s just me- but I keep having situations where her mother and father seem to have fantastical stories and issues that fall apart upon any kind of critical thinking.

Situations where SOMETHING is very wrong with whatever claim is made.   Where you can’t help but ask questions that need answering and they get upset because they are found to be basically full of sh!t

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[thankful person]

Yep my dbpdw’s parents are exactly like this. I have experienced it lots with them and my wife also now realises that they are full of sh1t a lot of the time, particularly where her childhood is concerned.

[Boogie74]

Usually my fiancée get extremely defensive in support of her mother’s claims- so much so that I now don’t even engage in trying to wrap my head around the stories- I don’t ask questions and I don’t “debunk” the bullsh!t.

Example happened 2 days ago a her parents were going to foster a dog for a rescue organization.   While I didn’t opine that they SHOULD foster a dog, so be it- if they pass a background check for the rescue, I have no say or opinion on it.

They got the dog yesterday.   Today, the rescue took the dog back.   The STORY is that it’s all because they don’t have an outside fence to their front or backyard.

Normal critical thinking will cause the reasonable person to realize that rescues do background checks (this one in fact does).   They ask things like “do you have a fence for your yard?”  (This one does on the application to foster).   Many actually come for a visit to look at the home (sometimes without letting the applicant know).   They do background checks for all residents in the home.  They make sure all residents are ok with the foster situation.   They make sure that the animal is healthy before fostering.

This story failed all the way down.   

[kells76]

Hi Boogie74, welcome back. I think I'm reading correctly that you and J are staying together and are engaged?

My guess is that her family is going to stay exactly who they are -- they probably won't change. If they're the kinds of persons who tell totally wild and illogical, self-justifying yarns... they're going to keep doing that, and no response, reaction, questioning, or "calling out" from anyone is going to impact that.

Is that your sense, too?

I'd find that kind of story intolerable, too. I've had to listen to some pretty wild insinuations from my H's kids' mom over the last >12 years. She hasn't changed.

If you want something to change -- if you want things to be more tolerable -- the only person who can change your experience is you.

Sticking around in the room or the house and listening to the stories, while also being frustrated, sounds like the worst of both worlds. Why keep doing that?

Your options for making changes -- that are 100% under your control -- include emotional validation, and/or boundaries.

When her parents go on about how they are the most qualified dog fosterers who are literal angels from heaven, and how cruel it is that nobody else sees it and yanks the dogs away from them, you can try something different.

What are the feelings behind the words they are saying? Don't validate their version of the "facts" -- that isn't really validation. You don't have to agree "Yes, you are the best trophy winning fosterers who are cruelly misused by the rescue organization." Instead -- are they feeling disappointed? Surprised? Something else? If you choose to stick around in the room and hear the story, then you can validate: "That would be shocking to think you could foster and then have the dog taken back". Or: "Wow, that sounds unexpected." Or: "Must have been disappointing, after all that preparation." You aren't agreeing with "their story" -- but because you're choosing to stay and listen, you're finding ways to engage that aren't just you stewing quietly in frustration, because that isn't going to better your relationship.

Of course, you have another option. As soon as you hear "the engines rev", as it were (I'm assuming you can tell when another story is coming?), it's in your power to say: "I have to go to the bathroom -- back in a bit". Or: "Gonna get some juice in the kitchen". Or: "I'm heading out for a walk, I have my phone on me". You aren't trapped or required to stick around and listen to stuff that only drives you crazy.

So let's game plan it out. What sounds do-able next time you hear the stories start?

[boundriesrus]

I have noticed the same thing about my in laws thru out the years. my wife is suspected to be Quiet/Discouraged BPD, and from looking at her family dynamic, where her father can't be bothered to visit us in Atlanta, because its a "really long trip and not up for that kind of travel, due to Chemo. HOWEVER, he is fine with going to his new wife's families house in WVA...an additional 200 miles from where they come from, and 2-3 hours of travel time added. l literally was about to come unglued as he was explaining this to his 5 year old granddaughter (my kid) over the phone with her mother (my wife). My wife goes, it's been like that her entire life. Which explains why she is walsh's worried about me spending time with my daughter (of which I always make time for to the best of my abilities). Look towards the parental dynamics...the signs have always been there and we either choose to ignore them and give people the benefit of the doubt, or we just were not educated to see them for what they are. The key is, knowing who you know now, how would you approach them any differently? Most of the parents are clueless and selfish and do not see how their actions could warrant such "unappreciation" while they cross your established boundaries to "help you". I literally had my step MIL (one mentioned above) insist I needed flip flops at their pool. I kept telling her no, that I was fine and just leave it be (before I walked out to the pool with the kiddo) she wandered out in 5 minutes with the flip flops, insisting further that I needed them, to the point of where she was trying to put them on my feet before walking inside. I asked her repeatedly to stop (and in an effort of not making waves) i just put them on so she would leave me the PLEASE READ alone. Also same encounter I told her was in therapy for gaslighting abuce from my former biz partner (ASPD/NPD) and then she actually proceed to gas light me 2 minutes later, and then again once inside with my FIL and wife. She lost my trust that day, as she just kept doubling down. I have not spoken to her since. She is (from my guess) a Communal Narc, as she loves Jesus, and loves telling everybody all the great things she does to help people. Go figure, my FIL divorces a Quiet BPD (wife's mother) and ends up marrying a Narc in replacement. He's got codependent issues, so it makes sense. Always look to the family...it spells a story, if you are willing to see it and understand it.

[Boogie74]

Yes- we are still engaged.   A long time ago I have taken a position balancing between choosing not to listen or contribute to the many dysfunctional situations her family presents or being an empathetic listener that takes everything with a grain of salt. 

Her family has some gems of kindness and generosity hidden in a mangled mess of dysfunctional problems.   In late 2020 her family suffered (like most) from a Covid infection.  Her father has severe COPD and is a cancer survivor- so we were naturally very concerned for him especially.  (Post script- he’s fine even today, thank goodness).   Her mother was on the phone during this time and I (by habit of asking out of concern for ANYONE in this situation) asked “How’s he feeling/doing?”  Her mother responded “I don’t know!” in the same tone that one would say the same to someone asking the street address of a Pizz Hut 200 miles away.   She didn’t even know where he was- he could have been outside gardening or getting gas or ANYTHING but it was beyond her to know her husband’s simple well being status while sick with a potentially fatal virus.

[kells76]

I think you're allowed to make yourself present for the good stuff -- for the gems, like you mentioned -- and to decline to be around for the other stuff.

Now that you know that her family members are who they are and probably won't change, I'd stop spending energy being surprised or frustrated by anything they do. As soon as the airplane of dysfunction starts taxiing towards the runway -- and I'm guessing you know the signs enough to be able to identify when this starts -- you get to not participate. You don't have to be on that airplane!

Honestly, this may be healthier for you and for them, so that you don't start resenting the mountain of dysfunction, and so they don't have another audience member for their stuff.

Be there for the good times and then leave to take care of yourself when the other stuff kicks in. I know it's different from Hallmark -- I've had to come to terms with it, too, as there's no chance that me, my H, his kids' mom, and her husband, can "do Thanksgiving together for the kids".

If we all have to be in the same room, I stick around for the OK stuff -- I make small talk with the kids' Mom about the kids' activities, or the weather -- and then after about 5 minutes I leave to do something else.

What's your time limit or signal to "end on a high note"?