Severe BPD - Denial - Gaslighting accusations - Accused of staring at others

[sbrmcd]

Hi all,

I am looking for some advice - I have been in a relationship with a wonderful girl now for a few months. She has previously been diagnosed with severe BPD and she and I have been living together for a few weeks now. She has moved to be with me as she was having issues at her home with her mum. She is 35 and I have never been in a relationship with a BPD sufferer. She has refused treatment for the last few years and things do get on top of her. To say we've had some explosions would be an understatement - the main cause for this seems to be whenever we go out in public. Nearly every time we go out at some point on the day she will "catch me" looking at other women. I can categorically say that I am not doing this. She will then explode, tell me "it's over", that I don't value her, that I am humiliating her by funding other women more attractive and I am the worlds worst human being. No matter what I say, she won't believe that I am not doing this and is convinced that I am lying to her.

She will then keep asking me to "tell the truth" and we go round and round in circles for hours and occasionally days (as is the case right now). I love this girl with all my heart and have never and will never want for anyone else. How can I get this across to her?

On certain days she is lucid enough to talk about the BPD diagnosis, and we have looked into the possibilities of DBT treatment in the local area, but she always pulls back saying that she hasn't got a problem and that I am gaslighting her blaming everything on the BPD. I just want to help her, I am patient, I am caring and I just want to be able to be the support that she needs through all of this.

Thank you in advance for any advice you may be able to give me!

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[kells76]

Hello sbrmcd and a warm

You're truly not alone here; so many members have struggled with the blame, extended conflict, and circular arguments, too. So exhausting!

The first thing I thought of for your situation was our workshop on stopping circular arguments.

You aren't helped, she isn't helped, and your relationship isn't helped, when both of you engage in extended, unresolved (or unhealthily "resolved") conflict. Longer isn't better -- it can be damaging.

Effective communication with a pwBPD is often unintuitive; fortunately, we're here for you  to practice new approaches.

When you have a minute, I'd love to hear what stood out to you in the "circular arguments" workshop. Lots of good stuff there;

kells76

[campbembpd]

Hi! Welcome, you'll certainly find a lot of helpful information here.

One of the things that struck me right away is you've been with this person just a few months and and living together now so this is a new relationship for you?

I've been with with someone who has had these issues for 25 years. My wife is uBPD and started out very mild in the beginning, at first I just thought it was maybe bad PMS/PMDD. It took me until just this the last year before I found out what BPD was and that my wife has it.

It's been extremely challenging and both myself and the kids have been subjected to varying levels of abuse as it's gotten worse over the past 6-8 years: emotional, verbal, and even some physical towards me

It's a very exhausting road and if I knew 25 years ago about this disorder and it's impact I don't know if I would have entered into this relationship. It's been very damaging to me, I'm working on a lot of things but I have a long road ahead. It's hard to know which way is up and figure out what boundaries I need to setup. It's been so damaging to our kids as well.

All this said I think you should continue to look here and do some research. I would recommend a couple of books to start:

Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist
Stop walking on eggshells

I know for my situation I've come to the full acceptance that I'm married to a mentally ill person and she may never get better/change. The ONLY thing I can do is figure out what sort of boundaries I can establish to try to create a life for myself, and stick to them. But it's hard to impossible to imagine ever living a normal life. Even though I've been reading books and her for 6 months I've barely made a step in setting any sort of boundaries. I feel even though I know what's happening and trying to stop being a caretaker I still end up doing it.

If you're this early in your relationship and it's already this volatile you have to ask yourself if this is the person you want to be in a relationship long term/forever? And if you're so accepting of this sort of behavior especially this early then you might be like a lot of us non-BPD partners - with codependent / caretaking tendencies. Most people would run at the first sign of this sort of behavior but not us caretakers   I wish I would have gotten in therapy a LONG time ago, maybe you want to find yourself a therapist?

Do your research and read - good luck friend.