First therapy session together

[usagi]

I invited my partner to come see my therapist this past Wednesday.  I told her that I felt it would be helpful for my therapy if she could come and tell her story.  Secretly, I wanted to see how she would handle being in a therapy environment since we've been talking about going to a couples counselor.  I had expected that she would sugar coat a lot of her experiences but it didn't really play out the way I was expecting.

She was actually pretty honest with the therapist regarding how hurt she has felt about my hobby and how I focusing on work.  I was surprised that she didn't talk about how disappointed she is with how I parent her son.  Something that I was "happy" to see what that she brought the same sort of blame and language she uses with me to the session.

My therapist said that she suspects that I get overwhelmed with my emotions and blow up because I'm not expressing my needs on a more regular basis.  So when it gets to be too much I just blow up.  I do believe that I'm not expressing my needs enough, mostly because when I've tried to do that in the past I get a response that "I can't do that for you and here's why."  So I just stopped asking.  I actually feel the reason I've been getting so upset is that my hobby is really the only thing I've been holding for myself over the years, for lots of reasons.  When she is dysregulated and expresses sadness, frustration, anger about something related to that that I find unrealistic or just a wrong interpretation of reality I get angry.

This has really been a huge challenge for me over the past year.  It really started last summer when I first started understanding BPD and that one of the keys to maintaining a relationship is to hold strong boundaries.  I tried to do that by attending a workshop for my hobby and my partner had a total breakdown.  I folded and ended up spending the day with her.  In December of last year she demanded I give it up altogether because I got home an hour late.  She said "you have to give this up before we move to (the new state) or you will need to cancel the contract on the house and eat the earnest money we put down."  And just a couple of weeks ago she got upset that I came home with alcohol on my breath.

I can see these things in a way from both sides.  She was expecting that I would spend time with her on that Sunday in July last year because we had been getting into fights about...I don't even know what.  When I said I wanted to attend the workshop, which I had been talking about with her for months, she lost it.  I totally came home late in December.  We had plans as a family that late afternoon and she felt disrespected.  She's also a childhood survivor of an alcoholic and is sensitive to smells of strong liquor.  All of these things triggered her.

What makes me angry is the degree to which she reacts to these things.  It make perfect sense through the lens of BPD but it's really a struggle for me.  I want to do this hobby and will likely always want to participate.  I've cut back on the amount of time I participate drastically since we moved in together.  She says that this hasn't been a problem in our relationship until last summer.  I don't think that's true.  I felt I've always had to bargain for time to do this.  When I started trying to enforce a boundary it became an issue.

I have learned a LOT about how to react to my partner in a much more empathetic way and how to validate her feelings.  As with most caretakers I'm sure where I really struggle is maintaining my boundaries and not getting upset when she is stepping on them.

Do I have to completely let go of my frustration and anger over this issue?  I feel like that's what I need to do in order to be with her.  I am mostly the emotional adult in the room but sometimes I get overwhelmed and it's mostly related to this topic.

I need to maintain this boundary but somehow find the strength to not get so emotional when she gets triggered over it.

Do you have any similar experiences?  I'd love to hear what the forum thinks.

Thanks so much!

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[kells76]

Hey, thanks for the update. Good to hear your partner was open to talking with your T. Couple of questions about the session:

I invited my partner to come see my therapist this past Wednesday.  I told her that I felt it would be helpful for my therapy if she could come and tell her story.  Secretly, I wanted to see how she would handle being in a therapy environment since we've been talking about going to a couples counselor.  I had expected that she would sugar coat a lot of her experiences but it didn't really play out the way I was expecting.

She was actually pretty honest with the therapist regarding how hurt she has felt about my hobby and how I focusing on work.  I was surprised that she didn't talk about how disappointed she is with how I parent her son.  Something that I was "happy" to see what that she brought the same sort of blame and language she uses with me to the session.

Sounds like this was 2 days ago? Was the session mostly your partner sharing with the T? And will the next session be just you and your T?

My therapist said that she suspects that I get overwhelmed with my emotions and blow up because I'm not expressing my needs on a more regular basis.  So when it gets to be too much I just blow up.  I do believe that I'm not expressing my needs enough, mostly because when I've tried to do that in the past I get a response that "I can't do that for you and here's why."  So I just stopped asking.  I actually feel the reason I've been getting so upset is that my hobby is really the only thing I've been holding for myself over the years, for lots of reasons.  When she is dysregulated and expresses sadness, frustration, anger about something related to that that I find unrealistic or just a wrong interpretation of reality I get angry.

Did your T say that to you alone, or to you in front of your partner?

And how have things been between you and your partner since the session? Has she brought it up at all?

...

What makes me angry is the degree to which she reacts to these things.  It make perfect sense through the lens of BPD but it's really a struggle for me.  I want to do this hobby and will likely always want to participate.  I've cut back on the amount of time I participate drastically since we moved in together.  She says that this hasn't been a problem in our relationship until last summer.  I don't think that's true.  I felt I've always had to bargain for time to do this.  When I started trying to enforce a boundary it became an issue.

I have learned a LOT about how to react to my partner in a much more empathetic way and how to validate her feelings.  As with most caretakers I'm sure where I really struggle is maintaining my boundaries and not getting upset when she is stepping on them.

Do I have to completely let go of my frustration and anger over this issue?  I feel like that's what I need to do in order to be with her.  I am mostly the emotional adult in the room but sometimes I get overwhelmed and it's mostly related to this topic.

I need to maintain this boundary but somehow find the strength to not get so emotional when she gets triggered over it.

Do you think you still have expectations, at some level, that she should (or could) react less?

[usagi]

Thank you kells,

Sounds like this was 2 days ago? Was the session mostly your partner sharing with the T? And will the next session be just you and your T?

Yes the session was this past Wednesday.  It was mostly my partner sharing with my therapist and the next will just be me and my therapist.

Did your T say that to you alone, or to you in front of your partner?

She offered up her theory to me and my partner.

And how have things been between you and your partner since the session? Has she brought it up at all?

Things have been going pretty good.  She did say that therapy is a huge lift for her right now since she's starting a new job.  She's also said that she won't consider couples counseling until I make some improvements.  My interpretation is this means that we don't get into any major arguments for a while.

Do you think you still have expectations, at some level, that she should (or could) react less?

The two times this has really been an issues are when we were about to commit to moving to a new place.  She gets scared that I'll abandon her for my hobby and gets set off by anything related.  Then threatens separation or full on break up.  At the very least, she'll say that we can't live together after we'd made plans to move to a new location.  That's been hugely stressful for me. 

Kells, I like the simplicity of your question.  I suppose what I'd want is for her to not react by threatening a break-up or demand that I move out.  However, we've talked about this together in the past when she's not dysregulated.  The plan we came up with is if she's feeling overwhelmed I would go stay in a hotel for a couple of nights just to give some space.  Usually that's enough time for her to calm down and want me back with her.

I think it's very doubtful that she'll ever receive counseling for BPD or her behaviors in general.  For that matter, I am doubtful that she'll take ownership of her actions that harm our relationship.  Having said that, I do feel I need to speak up more about things that I see as being obstacles to the relationship.  It's good practice for me however she reacts.

I'm feeling a bit more bold now that I'm living on my own.

Thanks as always for the comments and insight.