First couples counseling coming up tomorrow

[usagi]

Hello forum,

As is true for a lot of you I'd imagine I've gone back and forth between break-ups and make-ups with my partner.  About three weeks ago we went through what I figured at the time was the final break-up.  She had been spiraling over the weekend apart and when we finally got together she demanded I flat out quit my hobby otherwise she would leave me.  About a week later she wanted to get back together.  That's when I did something that I didn't expect to have a positive impact, but something I needed to share anyway.  I told her I thought she had BPD.  She agreed that she shares some of the challenges of the BPD but fully rejects that she could be suffering from it.  "No labels".  I agreed to not mention BPD and that I was not looking for a diagnosis but told her that there are things she needs to work on for us to be together.  I said that I wasn't going to be in a relationship where I was expected to make all the improvements.  I also said that I wouldn't keep going through this cycle of break-up/make-up anymore.  She agreed to go to couples counseling.

Tomorrow will be our first session.  I'm doing some pre-game planning about what to say.  I told her that I wanted to open by talking about all the things that keep us together.  Our connection, shared interests, caring for each other and the like.  My partner has decided that communication is an important aspect of improving our relationship.  I agree with that and am hopeful that she's willing to try to see how her communication leads to problems.  She's said that she doesn't necessarily want to focus on the past but realizes that talking about some of the big moments from the past year is probably needed.

My grand hope is that the therapist can help encourage her to gain some insight into  her role in our dysfunction and that she will try to take ownership.  The therapist has some experience with personality disorders, although not BPD specifically.

One thing I'm not sure about is if I should even mention BPD.  It is something that has been part of the conversation with my partner, even if she rejects the assertion.  This was, however, the impetus for our seeking a counselor.  She fully admits that she has trouble with abandonment fears and intense emotions.  She doesn't think she gets unreasonably angry (rage) and prefers to say that she's frustrated.  I have seen her do self harm, although it's very rare thank God.  She's also described feelings of emptiness.  That's five of the nine needed for a diagnosis.

Will the therapist be able to help us work through this?  I honestly would like to keep the discussion of BPD or at least the symptoms going.  When we are in a make-up mode she'll admit to these challenges but then dismisses them after that.

I'm worried that I'm just setting myself up for great disappointment.  I have done my best to communicate my boundaries.  The challenge is to stick to them without falling back into this cycle.

My partner is starting a new job and is very concerned that she'll fail.  She said she needs all of her focus on this and that going to counseling is not something she is doing willingly.  She doesn't feel like she can put any emotional energy into this because of the new job situation.

How do I keep this conversation going?  I need to keep pressing her, even slightly, about the role her behavior plays in our relationship.  I can't make her take ownership but that's what she'll need to do in order for us to continue.

Love to all...
thanks 

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[kells76]

Hi usagi;

Good to hear that even though your partner has some big stuff on her plate (new job, not feeling like she wants to do therapy), she is still willing to go. That takes a lot and may be what doing her very best looks like.

Overall my thought is to pump the brakes for yourself a little and focus on sitting with your discomfort.

Even for "generally normal" persons, therapy is not a short process. I've shared elsewhere on this board that I've been seeing my individual T for a couple of years now, and there are still areas where I'm not totally transparent with her. It's hard. I have insight and awareness that there are some doors I'm keeping pretty tightly closed, that impact my current relationship, but even with that insight there is still a big gulf between knowing and changing... and that isn't something you can rush or "just white-knuckle yourself there with willpower".

It is common for couples T's to meet with each partner individually as well as together. You can consider respecting your partner's wishes that the BPD label not be used, by not using it in joint sessions. In a sense, she's right -- the issue isn't the label, it's behaviors and dynamics. If it were me, and after a couple of joint sessions I checked in with myself and found that it remained important for me to bring up, I'd do it in a solo session with the T.

If the T doesn't offer individual check-ins, it would seem pretty normal to request one (with the offer open for your partner to do an individual check in as well).

Give yourselves some time to get to know the T, get familiar/comfortable with the session dynamic together, and maybe find some "quick wins" that build common ground between you and your partner. Like you mentioned here:

I told her that I wanted to open by talking about all the things that keep us together.  Our connection, shared interests, caring for each other and the like.  My partner has decided that communication is an important aspect of improving our relationship.  I agree with that and am hopeful that she's willing to try to see how her communication leads to problems.  She's said that she doesn't necessarily want to focus on the past but realizes that talking about some of the big moments from the past year is probably needed.

that seems like a good starting point.

My guess is that you really, really want to solve and fix things as quickly as possible... That's your feeling to manage. Letting it drive your choices means you might not be in WiseMind -- you might be letting your fears/feelings drive the speed of the process. Trying to speed up a therapeutic process won't make it work better.

My thought is to notice your fear and discomfort and practice tolerating it.

Everything will not be solved or said or aired or agreed on in the first session. This may be uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing, etc. Can you live with it, and be patient?

For couples T to have some shot at success, both parties need to buy into the process and feel like the T is an ally. This may take longer for your partner than for you. Can you be OK with that?

Lots of questions... curious if there's anything to bounce some thoughts off of there?

[usagi]

Hi kells,

I have been in couples therapy before, although too late to do any good.  I've at least seen the process and had the experience that it takes a while to find those gems that can help improve the relationship.

My experience is that the first few sessions are just getting to know the therapist, laying out the dysfunction, and giving background on each of us.  I remember spending sessions just talking about my childhood, previous relationships, and what things I value.

Part of the reason that I rented my own apartment was to give me a break from feeling any sort of pressure to quickly fix the relationship.  I don't have to worry about having to find a place to live if things go south.  This allows me some space to give us both a chance to make changes in the dynamic.

I am hopeful that she will be willing to accept at least some changes are needed to her behavior.  I completely agree that it will mean that she feels comfortable with the therapist and that they are working on our behalf.

I have an individual therapist and am expecting that the couples T will want to have access to her.  I can direct my couples therapist not to talk about how we've discussed BPD.  But seeing as I've already told my partner maybe that's OK.  For the right couples therapist, this could be very useful depending on how she incorporates that information into our sessions.

I feel that her offering to go, even reluctantly, to the couples therapist is a miracle.  I know there will be set backs but this is a positive step.

I can live with the discomfort of not getting her "fixed" right away.  I've been with her for almost five years.  Even some slight improvements in her behavior would be welcome and something to build on.

[EyesUp]

@usagi,

Great advice from Kells re: "sitting with discomfort" - at risk of stating the obvious, that generally means: do more listening, less talking.

You might think that couples therapy is for both of you, or that there should be balance - but if you use the opportunity to talk about your feelings, your POV, etc., your partner will inevitably be defensive and the process will shut down one way or another.

Instead, when the therapist inevitably asks each of you what you hope to get from the process, you might respond along the lines of "I love my partner and I want to work on how to better participate in the relationship" - in which you take responsibility for yourself, rather than make any comments about her.

You should expect that the therapist will avoid taking sides.  Some therapists will go so far as to refuse to speak with the partners individually.

No matter what the therapist is like, you and your partner have a better chance of moving forward if you do just that:  Keep your focus on looking forward, rather than attempting to address incidents in the past that will almost certainly put your partner in corner.

Good luck and take care.

[usagi]

Thank you EyesUp,

I appreciate the advice.

The session itself actually went pretty good.  My partner did most of the talking.  When she described the problems we have had she exaggerated the truth (I was practicing my hobby three days a week and it took much longer to travel to/from for example).  I was very surprised when she mentioned that I thought that she may have BPD.  The counselor did a good job of just being open to whatever was said and being supportive.  What we've gone to the T with is that we have trouble talking through our issues with one another...which is basically true.  I was also surprised when my partner agreed to see the T one on one in the next session.  So we'll be going each for an individual then another together, which was more than I expected.

After the session we went to an art show and had a lovely lunch together.  It was overall a great day until the car ride home (see previous posts...).

On the way home she asked me to describe something that I don't like about her.  I knew this was not a conversation to be having and tried to avoid it.  She insisted and gave an example that she doesn't like it when I don't do what I say I'm going to.  I picked something that I thought was pretty mundane.  She'll often wander off when we are someplace together.  The wandering isn't an issue its just when I can't find her for a while.  So I have to stop what I'm doing and catch up with her again.  I find it a little annoying.

We spent the next three hours talking about this and how she has every right to wander.  And that this was more of a me issue than her.  She said that wandering was part of who she was and I needed to accept it.

So I think I was right that eventually we'd go through some difficulty that we could dissect in real time with the T.  I just didn't think it would happen so quickly.

Right now I'm feeling down about the whole thing.  She was also talking a lot yesterday about maybe wanting to have an open relationship, which I'm not comfortable with.  I'm doing my best to hold my ground and not be judgmental.

Since she brought it up, I'm going to talk through my concerns about why I think she may be expressing BPD in my one on one.  Might as well just get that out on the table.

I won't be seeing her for a while since her mom is in town.  That may change of course but I might have some time to myself to process this.  Just trying to keep hopeful and see the positives at the moment.

Thanks all...