BPD sister I inherited after my mom passed last year

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My 53 year old sister was finally diagnosed with BPD and a host of other disorders last year during a stay in hospital for kidney stones. She has always raged at me, but my mom’s death (they lived together her entire life think Grey Gardens!) pushed her off the edge. She was so distraught in hospital they ordered a psych eval. She has hoarding and shopping addictions; hypochondria, anxiety and an attachment order to my mother. She can’t pay her own bills and her orders way too much food weekly (she’s obese). She refuses to ride a subway in NY and spends $200 daily on Ubers to take her to and from work. I beg her to please stop spending and it triggers her to lash out and shower me with curses and threats. When I point out her past behavior (rage) towards my mom and dad was toxic, she cries hysterically. There is no accountability and I feel exhausted and abused! I have cleaned her apartment, bought her new appliances and furniture, paid off her debts. I owe her nothing. She constantly tells me I’m “mean” and questions “what is wrong with you? What has happened to you?” When I attempt to lay down any ground rules for her. What can I do to stop this horrible cycle of her verbal abuse and not drown in her chaos? Thanks!

[McSB]

My 53 year old sister was finally diagnosed with BPD and a host of other disorders last year during a stay in hospital for kidney stones. She has always raged at me, but my mom’s death (they lived together her entire life think Grey Gardens!) pushed her off the edge. She was so distraught in hospital they ordered a psych eval. She has hoarding and shopping addictions; hypochondria, anxiety and an attachment order to my mother. She can’t pay her own bills and her orders way too much food weekly (she’s obese). She refuses to ride a subway in NY and spends $200 daily on Ubers to take her to and from work. I beg her to please stop spending and it triggers her to lash out and shower me with curses and threats. When I point out her past behavior (rage) towards my mom and dad was toxic, she cries hysterically. There is no accountability and I feel exhausted and abused! I have cleaned her apartment, bought her new appliances and furniture, paid off her debts. I owe her nothing. She constantly tells me I’m “mean” and questions “what is wrong with you? What has happened to you?” When I attempt to lay down any ground rules for her. What can I do to stop this horrible cycle of her verbal abuse and not drown in her chaos? Thanks!

[Methuen]

In my experience, I think the trick is to look at your own behavior.  The pw BPD isn't going to change.  We have to.  You do a LOT for her despite how badly she treats you.  She has learned how to push your buttons and manipulate you to do things for her so that her needs are met. Also, chaos is "her normal".  She thrives in it.  You don't. 

Also, if she's a hoarder, she might even resent you cleaning her apartment.  So while you are trying to be helpful, and you probably clean so she can live in a healthy and safe environment, that might not be important to her.  A hoarder isn't likely to see it that way.  In a wierd kind of way, it might even feel threatening or controlling to her.

What can I do to stop this horrible cycle of her verbal abuse and not drown in her chaos?

In my experience, the only thing to do is pull back from the enabling.  You can withdraw your services slowly over time, or all at once, depending on what works best for you and your needs for your own well-being.  Just DON'T declare what you are doing.  Just do it (use action not words).

In short, we have to give them the space to do it their way, and then let them solve their own problems (i.e. don't pay her debts for her).  She WILL find solutions.  Eg. she uses Uber.  If that solution then becomes a problem (an expense she can't afford), then the only way she will find a solution to that is if you stop paying her debts.

You can communicate you are unable to pay her debts from now on.  You don't have to explain why.  That gives her advance notice to change how she does things.  If she doesn't make the adjustments, that's on her. 

I just wouldn't tell her outright you won't be seeing her as much.  That will blow up.

This is not easy.  It's riddled with intense push back from them (abuse), guilt and obligation, and we have to learn to be ok with that. They in turn have to learn to be ok with living with the consequences of their own decisions.  Some people just have to learn the hard way.  IMHO, there is no other way.  It has taken me years to come to the grim conclusion that I just have to let my own mother fail.   It really hurts because as much as she has hurt me, I still care for her.  But it's an unhealthy kind of love.  I have lost years of my life trying to support her, and I have nothing for it but emotional pain and trauma. 

Look after your own well-being.  Let her look after hers. 

Healthy families can support each other and be there for each other.  With dysfunctional members in families, that just doesn't work the same.  That's my conclusion. 

 

[livednlearned]

It's so hard to witness a family member's self-destruction. In some ways, it can feel easier to help because at least you're doing something, even if your effort is (at best) a drop in the bucket or (at worst) a waste of your precious time, mental well-being, and money.

I had a therapist who was good at helping me figure out how to set easier boundaries when the big one felt too hard. Sometimes it's more about how we tolerate setting limits for others than it is about what our family member does or doesn't do.

For example, it's so hard for me to keep disordered family members from visiting. I just can't bring myself to say no. But I can create a schedule that helps me regulate my nervous system or lock my bedroom door or take medication or take frequent walks alone during the visit.

If you are done giving money, it's best to be clear about that and find a way to say it in your terms, not hers. "I'm not in a position to help financially. However, I can help you find someone to get your accounts in order. Just let me know when you're ready."

No need to explain why you aren't going to help, and no need to do things for her that she's capable of doing like Methuen said. But try to be as honest with yourself as you can possibly be -- what limits are you pretty sure you can stick with? Otherwise if you set a boundary then let her roll over it, she'll push even harder the next time you set it because the first boundary was a pushover.

And be kind to yourself. It's a process to let go of the fantasy that we have as much influence as we think we do. It's taken me years to be able to listen to my mother describe bad health choices and not get hooked. She has worsening epilepsy and is convinced that the medications she takes are thinning her hair. You would think she was going bald the way she talks about her hair even though she has what anyone would consider a full head of hair for any age, much less 80. Because of this vanity, and her insistence that doctors and pharmacists are wrong, she pretends to take the medications prescribed to prevent her seizures. No surprise, she has more seizures. Where she lives, she cannot drive for a year following a seizure that results in hospitalization, so she can't drive.

All of these choices impact the people around her, especially my father.

It's so hard watching someone make terrible choices. I don't get it and probably never will. Methuen is so right when she wrote, "They in turn have to learn to be ok with living with the consequences of their own decisions."

And we have to be ok, period. When it comes to self-care in our families, this is not a touchy-feeling go-to-the-spa kind of thing. It's a gritty, tough fight to make sure our needs are front and center at all times.

[Mommydoc]

It has taken me years to come to the grim conclusion that I just have to let my own mother fail.   It really hurts because as much as she has hurt me, I still care for her.  But it's an unhealthy kind of love.  I have lost years of my life trying to support her, and I have nothing for it but emotional pain and trauma. Look after your own well-being.  Let her look after hers.

Such wise words from Methuen. My sister also fell apart after my mother’s death last year. As prepared as I thought I was, I wasn’t. I was ready to set boundaries, to listen to and be self compassionate regarding my own needs but she tested my boundaries in unforeseen ways. I feel for you.

Our social worker told me the same thing as Methuen said “Take care of your needs and your families needs, and let your sister take care of herself”, she made it clear that my sister was in no way considering my families needs and was solely focused on her own.

I find our situations very similar and profoundly sad, but recognizing the reality of the situation has been a source of growth and resilience for me and can be for you. Don’t accept the gaslighting. Like you, I love and care about my sister. At the same time, I feel strongly that both of us need to find our path forward independently of our sisters.  Focus on yourself and your own healing.

[McSB]

Thank you so much for your advice and kind support. Appreciate it especially tonight after another raging episode where I was her punching bag.hearing others talk about what they are going through helps!