Asking a few difficult questions of myself

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As you can tell, I’ve been posting quite a bit, and also reading old posts by user 2010 which have been extremely enlightening. I think I am at a stage where I am ready to ask some difficult questions of myself about why I sought and remained in such a harmful dynamic, what the interaction (not a relationship) represents for me now, and how I can avoid it in the future.

I’ve particularly appreciated 2010’s remarks about a common (especially) western misunderstanding of karma as a law of reward and punishment as opposed to cause and effect. I did not deserve the lies, manipulation or controlling behaviour. Experiencing these things was not a punishment for being ‘bad’. However, there were actions I undertook which contributed to causing or allowing these things to happen and a negative interaction to develop.

These actions were based in beliefs, patterns, narratives and worldviews that I had and probably still have, and which it is now the time to scrutinise. One is quite a grandiose self-perception. For example, I had an idea I could change or influence another person who lacked integrity, to the point where they would have integrity.

Prior to our relationship, uBPDx acted in ways that were extremely contrary to the values we both nominally shared and which were supposedly the cornerstone of our relationship, yet I believed that through the relationship we could transcend these patterns. To be fair to me, uBPDx initially represented themself and their history as being quite different from what it actually was, hiding some aspects that significantly lacked integrity. If I had known this from the start, I would never have entered the relationship.

However, once I learned about the discrepancy/ misrepresentation, my response was first a toxic expression of anger at the perceived betrayal; and then, after we made up (re-idealisation), to believe that together, we could both somehow change things so that uBPDx could really become the person they had misrepresented themself as.

This choice reflected my own denial and neediness. I was lonely and isolated and didn’t want to face the evidence this seemingly perfect person was not all they seemed. It also reflected an unrealistic, ‘love conquers all’ narrative. People cannot change and develop integrity based on an outside influence, integrity is something you develop within yourself.

There is also grandiosity – the idea that *I* was so special that a person who had previously acted without principle would, though knowing me, become someone different. There is a degree of narcissism here (not NPD, just the traits, which can be healthy, but in this case were not).

Letting go involves relinquishing the idealised, all-powerful vision of myself that was mirrored in uBPDx’s eyes during the ‘good’ times. Which was quite an intoxicating vision! And is quite difficult to relinquish, even now. Accepting that the interaction (not relationship) was based on falsities is one thing, accepting that the ideas and hopes it was premised on were also false is another, and quite difficult. I think it is something I need to do so I do not simply go out and replace the uBPDx with a similar relationship.

[hotchip]

As you can tell, I’ve been posting quite a bit, and also reading old posts by user 2010 which have been extremely enlightening. I think I am at a stage where I am ready to ask some difficult questions of myself about why I sought and remained in such a harmful dynamic, what the interaction (not a relationship) represents for me now, and how I can avoid it in the future.

I’ve particularly appreciated 2010’s remarks about a common (especially) western misunderstanding of karma as a law of reward and punishment as opposed to cause and effect. I did not deserve the lies, manipulation or controlling behaviour. Experiencing these things was not a punishment for being ‘bad’. However, there were actions I undertook which contributed to causing or allowing these things to happen and a negative interaction to develop.

These actions were based in beliefs, patterns, narratives and worldviews that I had and probably still have, and which it is now the time to scrutinise. One is quite a grandiose self-perception. For example, I had an idea I could change or influence another person who lacked integrity, to the point where they would have integrity.

Prior to our relationship, uBPDx acted in ways that were extremely contrary to the values we both nominally shared and which were supposedly the cornerstone of our relationship, yet I believed that through the relationship we could transcend these patterns. To be fair to me, uBPDx initially represented themself and their history as being quite different from what it actually was, hiding some aspects that significantly lacked integrity. If I had known this from the start, I would never have entered the relationship.

However, once I learned about the discrepancy/ misrepresentation, my response was first a toxic expression of anger at the perceived betrayal; and then, after we made up (re-idealisation), to believe that together, we could both somehow change things so that uBPDx could really become the person they had misrepresented themself as.

This choice reflected my own denial and neediness. I was lonely and isolated and didn’t want to face the evidence this seemingly perfect person was not all they seemed. It also reflected an unrealistic, ‘love conquers all’ narrative. People cannot change and develop integrity based on an outside influence, integrity is something you develop within yourself.

There is also grandiosity – the idea that *I* was so special that a person who had previously acted without principle would, though knowing me, become someone different. There is a degree of narcissism here (not NPD, just the traits, which can be healthy, but in this case were not).

Letting go involves relinquishing the idealised, all-powerful vision of myself that was mirrored in uBPDx’s eyes during the ‘good’ times. Which was quite an intoxicating vision! And is quite difficult to relinquish, even now. Accepting that the interaction (not relationship) was based on falsities is one thing, accepting that the ideas and hopes it was premised on were also false is another, and quite difficult. I think it is something I need to do so I do not simply go out and replace the uBPDx with a similar relationship.

[Notwendy]

This is an insightful post, and it also can tie into the other thread by PearsBefore about what traits in a person seem to predispose them to being in a long term relationship with someone with BPD.

I think it's possible to be initially attracted to someone with BPD, but have that not lead to a long term relationship if there are incompatibilities, but some people who are inititially attracted to someone with BPD stay longer. Why?

From what I have read, who we attract and who we are attracted to is a result of many factors, and some not conscious. Our family of origin dynamics is one influence. If somene grows up with family dysfunction, a person who has a disorder may feel "familiar" to them, and they may not see the red flags as different.

You have also identified aspects of your own personality that somehow the situation you had fit an emotional need of yours, even if it was a dysfunctional one.

Another factor that is not conscious is boundaries. If someone has emotionally healthy boundaries, they will feel a sense of discomfort around someone who doesn't. Pairing up with that person for the long run may be a result of both people having poor boundaries. Boundaries can be too weak or too strong.

I think it is very wise of you to explore your own succeptibility to the previous relationship, doing the work of your own recovery, so that your feeling of a "match" with someone is different next time. I have read that if someone ends a dysfunctional relationship without doing this work, they could be more succeptible to another similar relationship. Doing this work can also be beneficial to you in general.

The Karma analogy is interesting. I think it's a universal concept to many religions although western religions don't discuss it in that term or context. As you say, it's not a system of reward- do good things, get good things back or vice versa in the immediate sense. It's more of a recognition that there's a higher order in the universe than we are, and that we don't know the big picture, we don't know the ultimate justice,  but we should do our part to put some good into the world, to the extent we can. It may be a different view than in the western world but it is not incompatible with western religions that recognize the higher wisdom and order of the universe as belonging to God.

This is not the same as natural consequences. Some things we don't control but we do know that actions have consequences.

It's recognizing that we don't have the power to change another person, only ourselves and that we are responsible for our own behavior. One is that, if we enable a person's behavior, that behavior is likely to increase. So we can do things that contribute to dysfunction.

What can appear like "helping" someone is actually self serving if we are doing it with the intent to change them or gain a certain response.

With the post by PearsBefore- this discusses some attributes of people who may be more inclined to stay in a long term relationship with someone with BPD. Labels don't tell the whole of a person and someone can have traits without completely fitting a label, but if the attributes lead to insight and personal change, there's a use for them to give us ideas about ourselves. Someone may find they have traits of all, some narcisism, some enabling, some being socially less savvy,  without the entire labels fitting them and still want to work on these traits.

You've identified some traits in yourself that you wish to change. I think working with a counselor who can be objective and help you through this process is a good idea. One doesn't have to have something "wrong" with them to decide to work on personal growth.