Moving on with new partner

[Rowdy]

My marriage broke up just over 2 years ago. I met someone around 3 months after the breakup, and there was instant chemistry.
However, as my relationship with my wife was 27 years long, both of us knew that jumping into a relationship was a big no go, but after a couple of months it was fairly evident that something would probably happen although neither of us said anything.

14 months later we got together. We have now been together for 9 months. We have our own lives, we both have two children, we both live in separate houses with the youngest of each children respectively. I have 3 dogs, she is scared of dogs so doesn’t come over, so I go over to see her., We don’t see each other every day.

We have not argued once. We both love and respect each other. She is happy, kind, caring. She says our relationship is easy, no stress, no drama, because I am so laid back and chilled. She has been in several relationships where she has felt controlled, and one relationship with someone that told her was diagnosed bpd and created drama. She is easy to talk to about anything and I don’t have to tread on eggshells like my previous relationship.

Now, because I was in the relationship for 27 years with my wife, who I believe has bpd although undiagnosed, I am used to the idealisation. I’m used to the constant phone calls, the constant texts (to give you some idea, she was discussing coming back home but said I hadn’t messaged her enough one evening, yet I counted over 120 texts between us) and the love bombing. Throughout our relationship I would like to think that I was emotionally stable (although she would say emotionally inept because I am not an over emotional wetwipe) and secure in myself and my relationship.

However now I am struggling a little bit with, I don’t know, whether it’s a fear of abandonment or just trying to adjust to a normal relationship. Because it isn’t as intense, there is no constant barrage of texts, and my gf is happy for me to have my own interests and hobbies, I can go and see my friends whenever I want, whereas with my wife I couldn’t even leave her to go to work without being given a guilt trip. My gf does however have a tendency to withdraw, as she has got a few family issues, her daughter has left to go travelling for a year and such like, so sometimes I will message her and not hear from her for hours as she has got things going around in her head that bothers her, but she assures me everything between us is ok, but because of my previous relationship dynamic, it worries me a little.

So I guess I’m wondering, those of you that have got into relationships after one with a bpd partner. Have you felt a fear of abandonment, or any other issues. Has some of the negative traits of the pwBPD rubbed off on you. Have you found it strange, adjusting to what seems like a normal healthy relationship from the rollercoaster ride you were used to.

[Under The Bridge]

We have not argued once. We both love and respect each other. She is happy, kind, caring. She says our relationship is easy, no stress, no drama, because I am so laid back and chilled. She has been in several relationships where she has felt controlled, and one relationship with someone that told her was diagnosed bpd and created drama. She is easy to talk to about anything and I don’t have to tread on eggshells like my previous relationship.

It's fantastic that you've found such a relationship. Don't try to analyse it - just enjoy it. Remember BPD is all about thinking in patterns which invariably lead to conflict, so don't become like that and start worrying that the happiness won't last or that you'll do something wrong.

I actually think it's great you both have your own place because as well as needing our partner, we also need our own space, no matter how small. Based on my own experiences, I'd never live with someone 24/7 again, we'd both have to have our own 'havens' and I think it does the relationship good and makes us more happy to see our partner when we see them.

Be happy and enjoy this total, wonderful change in your life!

[Rowdy]

Thanks under the bridge, you are right.

I guess it’s something that I just need to adjust to.
The “yes you can go to the pub with your mates”

If my wife said that to me, I knew something was wrong.
Even “go and have a bath” signalled the end of our marriage, and that isn’t right when such an innocent comment or suggestion makes you suspect something is amiss in your marriage.

[Under The Bridge]

The “yes you can go to the pub with your mates”

Will be great to tell your new partner that you had a good time with your friends and she's happy for you - a massive difference without the BPD interrogation, accusations of cheating and total meltdown that you'd normally get. Nice to be able to do things for your partner without them looking for a bad motive.  I stopped telling my ex whenever I was out with friends as I knew it would trigger her. Actually, near the end, I stopped telling her anything.

We all come out of a BPD relationship carrying scars and trust is hard for us to start up again, but we can do it; remember we weren't the ill ones.

.. just remember to never forget her birthday, anniversary of the day you both met and stuff like that.. even the most wonderful partner will get the hump .