Help needed: Cohabitating with BPD spouse before separation

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Hi,

I have posted on the board before. Like many of your stories, mine is quite complex. You can find a more detailed summary here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062399.0. Today, I would like to try to focus on what I am coping with right now.

My BPD (NPD traits) husband and I were together for 12 years, and married for only two. He asked for a divorce a couple of months ago, although he has not submitted the paperwork yet. The fact is that I do not have the financial stability necessary to move out. I stayed at a friend's for a few weeks, but that couldn't possibly be a long-term solution. He also slept at his office for a while. I know I am doing my best to solve this, considering that I have just recently moved here (Norway) from abroad, I am still struggling with the aftermath of some serious health issues, and I am, of course, heartbroken and incredibly tired. Well, in short, my BPD ex and I are living together right now, and I need advice on how to cope.

While at first I was just deeply grateful and happy to have moved back in and established a series of boundaries, things escalated again real quick (like, less than two weeks). I must admit we were intimate for the first week or so...a lot. He became loving and caring again, and of course it felt amazing, and it ignited hope again. Needless to say, he went back to DARVO and discarding as soon as I tried to have a serious conversation on why that was happening, and whether therapy could be considered. Now he is being extremely impulsive. He is considering accepting a new job offer, moving to a nearby city, buying a very expensive car, etc. He is drinking and coming late, telling me all these stories in detail and saying how happy and hopeful he feels now that he is divorcing me.

I have really tried to stay calm and ignore him, but it is just NOT working. I am angry, and tired, and sad, and he just acts like he doesn't understand why I am so desperate. The only thing that is helping me is reading posts from this and other forums, and reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", so that I am reminded that there is nothing, nothing I could do if he is in denial and not willing to get therapy. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to deal with the temporary cohabitation. I feel drained, and I need energy to rebuild a life for myself.

Thank you. A big hug to you all.

[Pluie]

Hi,

I have posted on the board before. Like many of your stories, mine is quite complex. You can find a more detailed summary here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062399.0. Today, I would like to try to focus on what I am coping with right now.

My BPD (NPD traits) husband and I were together for 12 years, and married for only two. He asked for a divorce a couple of months ago, although he has not submitted the paperwork yet. The fact is that I do not have the financial stability necessary to move out. I stayed at a friend's for a few weeks, but that couldn't possibly be a long-term solution. He also slept at his office for a while. I know I am doing my best to solve this, considering that I have just recently moved here (Norway) from abroad, I am still struggling with the aftermath of some serious health issues, and I am, of course, heartbroken and incredibly tired. Well, in short, my BPD ex and I are living together right now, and I need advice on how to cope.

While at first I was just deeply grateful and happy to have moved back in and established a series of boundaries, things escalated again real quick (like, less than two weeks). I must admit we were intimate for the first week or so...a lot. He became loving and caring again, and of course it felt amazing, and it ignited hope again. Needless to say, he went back to DARVO and discarding as soon as I tried to have a serious conversation on why that was happening, and whether therapy could be considered. Now he is being extremely impulsive. He is considering accepting a new job offer, moving to a nearby city, buying a very expensive car, etc. He is drinking and coming late, telling me all these stories in detail and saying how happy and hopeful he feels now that he is divorcing me.

I have really tried to stay calm and ignore him, but it is just NOT working. I am angry, and tired, and sad, and he just acts like he doesn't understand why I am so desperate. The only thing that is helping me is reading posts from this and other forums, and reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", so that I am reminded that there is nothing, nothing I could do if he is in denial and not willing to get therapy. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to deal with the temporary cohabitation. I feel drained, and I need energy to rebuild a life for myself.

Thank you. A big hug to you all.

[ParentingThruIt]

That sounds super difficult!

I think it's likely that he will continue acting out for a while through the breakup. Leaning on your resources to maintain sanity is good. You will have to keep an eye on whether the situation is physically and mentally safe for you.

If there is any option to move out - even if you need temporary public benefits or something - it's a good idea to be aware of your options.

While you are there, leaning in to the boundaries may help. Maybe as if he is a roommate that you don't know. Do you have your own bedroom?  Try to set up your own space for sleeping, hanging out etc. Maybe line up some media (books / audiobooks, movies etc) or other individual activities to tune into while you are home.  Maybe identify some safe and relatively low demand / rejuvenating places to hang out, like friends' homes, public library, coffee shop, etc so you get some space from the home situation and have a good go to if things get intense.

Do you very best not to get pulled into arguments, physical contact, etc.  It's likely that he will try to bait you in. Practice ways to gracefully exit the conversation and avoid venting, lending him support, etc.

I'm sure it will get better from here but I know it's hard while you are feeling not the strongest.

[Pluie]

That sounds super difficult!

I think it's likely that he will continue acting out for a while through the breakup. Leaning on your resources to maintain sanity is good. You will have to keep an eye on whether the situation is physically and mentally safe for you.

If there is any option to move out - even if you need temporary public benefits or something - it's a good idea to be aware of your options.

While you are there, leaning in to the boundaries may help. Maybe as if he is a roommate that you don't know. Do you have your own bedroom?  Try to set up your own space for sleeping, hanging out etc. Maybe line up some media (books / audiobooks, movies etc) or other individual activities to tune into while you are home.  Maybe identify some safe and relatively low demand / rejuvenating places to hang out, like friends' homes, public library, coffee shop, etc so you get some space from the home situation and have a good go to if things get intense.

Do you very best not to get pulled into arguments, physical contact, etc.  It's likely that he will try to bait you in. Practice ways to gracefully exit the conversation and avoid venting, lending him support, etc.

I'm sure it will get better from here but I know it's hard while you are feeling not the strongest.

Hi,

Thank you for your words, and sorry for not replying earlier. As expected, the situation exploded. I would say it was more my inability to cope. It was just too much.

[ForeverDad]

You are married to the man even if only during the last two years.  There are options you have not that may not have been so obvious before.

First, as a  side thought, look back... Did getting married a couple years ago help the relationship or did it overall make it worse?  Remember our phrase BPD FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Once married, did your spouse feel you were more obligated to the Relationship, that you were more obligated to tolerate his poor behavior and less likely to abandon him?  Ponder that.

Now, back to my main thought... What options became more straightforward now that you're married?  What you may not realize is that inside an official relationship there are built-in protections for the disadvantaged partner.  If you report extreme poor behavior, particularly including abusive behavior, whether verbal or physical, then the system is set up to protect you.

This means you're able to seek a protection order (or restraining order in other jurisdictions) and get several months apart in a court order and - if done correctly - he would be the one obligated to move out and stay a specified distance away from you.  Have you consulted a DV resource or a family law attorney?  They ought to be able to describe the options available to you.  For example, they may tell you that more recent incidents are typically actionable and that older incidents, although equally bad, are more likely to be considered stale or beyond action.

A TPO or TRO is temporary, not permanent, but it would handle the immediate separation and the start of a divorce.  And if you request it, you would remain in possession of the home temporarily.  Does that provide a possible answer to your worry about where to live for the initial time apart?

Of course, if you both have the pattern to behave poorly, both engaging in long shouting matches, both throwing things at each other, both being aggressive in your responses to each other, then seeking help from the police or courts is less clear and the outcome is more unpredictable.  Yes, police and courts can assume you're both part of the problem, but the more obvious it is that one is the aggressor and the other a victim, the scenario is clearer to the system and they would be more likely to deal with it.

That means you can't retaliate in kind, you have to imagine you're having an officer or a judge always looking over your shoulder.  Also, document the poor behavior.  That's what I did 20 years ago with voice recorders, long before we had modern cell phones.  It help both my mental clarity and my awareness that I could prove I wasn't the one being aggressive.  (Yes, my ex posed as a victim, though a very, very demanding and aggressive one.)

[Pook075]

I would appreciate any suggestions on how to deal with the temporary cohabitation. I feel drained, and I need energy to rebuild a life for myself.

Hello and welcome back!  I remember talking to you because I'm in the Philippines with my wife, waiting to bring her to the USA, and my mind instantly went to visa stuff when I first heard your story.  Is there any updates there on what a divorce will mean for your legal status there?  Or maybe it doesn't matter since you're both from the same original country.

For cohabitation, I have some pretty simple rules.  Stop arguing, stop defending, and only focus on his emotions.  No matter what he says or does, do not let it affect your mood and be there for him for emotional support whenever possible.  If he's sad, try to cheer him up.  If he's angry, try to help him calm down.  Whatever he's sad or angry about, it doesn't matter one bit.  Ignore his "facts" and only focus on his feelings.

Why no arguing or defending?  Because it's like arguing with a goat.  How can you verbally defeat a goat when it doesn't understand English?  Both of you are only going to get frustrated.  Let your husband say whatever he wants and if it's ugly, walk away.  No matter what you say when he's disordered, it won't make a bit of good in your life...but it could make things much worse.  So don't argue, don't defend.  You're there to live only and his opinions no longer matter.

When my BPD ex and I separated, she also got very excited about the future and all the possibilities.  She was already being unfaithful though (without me knowing), so the relationship was officially doomed.  There was a part of her that did want to come back and fix things though; I just think she was too mentally weak to actually do it.  She wanted that shiny new thing so badly and because I fought for the marriage, it led to severe backlash and heartbreak.

So don't fight, don't argue, don't defend.  If it's over, then treat it like it's over.  Be kind when you can, stay away from him when you can't.  That will make things signifigantly better immediately.

[mendingway26]

Your line "it was more my inability to cope" jumped out at me — please set that one down. You are sharing a home with a spouse who asked for a divorce, hasn't filed, sleeps a few doors away, comes home late and drinking, and tells you in detail how happy he is now. Coping *perfectly* inside that setup isn't a realistic bar for any human. The exhaustion isn't a personal failure — it's the situation doing exactly what that situation does to everyone inside it.

A few things that helped me during my own in-between stretch of still sharing an address:

- Treat it as a hostel, not a home. I stopped cooking for two, stopped waiting up, stopped asking about his day. The nightly "happy stories" need an audience to land — the moment I stopped being one, they lost most of their power over my evenings.
- Medium chill over full grey rock, if grey rock feels impossible right now. Flat, brief, boring: "okay", "good for you", "I'm heading to bed". Not cold, just nothing to grip.
- About the loving week followed by DARVO the moment you raised therapy — that sequence isn't random. The warmth showed up *because* the relationship was undefined again. Once I named that pattern to myself, I stopped reading the warm phases as evidence I should hope harder.
- Get a therapist for yourself if you possibly can — short-term, online, whatever fits. Not for the marriage. For you. You're rebuilding a life in a new country, recovering your health, inside the worst year of the marriage. That's three loads at once, and someone in your professional corner is one of the few things that stays fully yours while you still share an address.
- Quietly log incidents — dates, what was said or done — even if you never use it. It steadies your own memory when the story gets rewritten mid-conversation.

You did the right thing coming back here after it exploded. Keep posting through this stretch; it's survivable even on the days it doesn't feel like it.

[Pluie]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for responding. Reading your posts has brought a little warmth to my day.

I will explain better. Since yesterday afternoon, I have left the house again, and I am staying at a friend's again (I am deeply grateful for her kindness). I got in touch with the hospital over the weekend and with my GP this morning, and I am now on sick leave for the coming five days. I had an emotional breakdown. He didn't do anything especially bad, quite the opposite. I wasn't feeling well, as the day before I had been seriously considering moving back to my home country due to the many doubts surrounding my ability and strength to rebuild while experiencing such deep feelings of desperation. He knew about this and acted cheerful, almost happy, gladly offering to help with the suitcases. Then he started behaving lovingly again, cooking for me, putting on a movie and sitting close to me on the couch. I don't know how to explain it, but that did it for me; just seeing him so cheerful about the divorce, constantly repeating that 'it must happen' while behaving as if we were still a couple, ignoring my pain and struggles...I don't know, I just collapsed. I have spent the last four days ugly crying and having panic attacks, non-stop. These episodes have been more and more frequent since the final breakup. While I was having this episode, he started mocking me and telling me that I was acting out just to torture him and to manipulate him, which is of course not true. I simply broke, and it was scary and painful. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I could speak normally, while still crying and being unable to do anything else.

So, yeah, in that sense, I would say I caused the accident. I take full responsibility for it. I love him and would never want him to leave and sleep at his office again, but he made it clear that one of us had to go after what had happened, and I chose to leave.  I feel ashamed, guilty, and I feel stupid for not having had the ability to keep calm and be able to at least secure accommodation for the coming two months. It has been so bad that I started thinking I have BPD (though I have done my share of therapy and the suspicion never arose).

I don't know where I am going from here, but I just felt like taking accountability and being fully honest with you all.

[Pook075]

I don't know where I am going from here, but I just felt like taking accountability and being fully honest with you all.

I'm so sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks.  The stress must be enormous.  I think returning to your home country is worth considering, even if it's for the short term.

It's also great that you're taking accountability, but you have to do so in a fair consistent way.  Being belittled when you're down and the person who caused it all is celebrating in front of you would be too much for just about anyone.  I would have cussed him out and left...and I don't generally cuss at all.  But I have my flaws and limits just like anyone else.  It sounds like he was oblivious to your feelings and that's a terrible position for you to be in.

So you have three options:

1)  Make him stay in his office
2)  Stay with your friend
3)  Go home to stay with family

Which would bring you the most comfort, with the least amount of stress involved?  That's the option you should choose.  And you shouldn't worry about if him staying at the office is an inconvenience- he's the one being a difficult roommate.

[mendingway26]

Pluie, five days of sick leave and a friend's spare room is you taking care of yourself, not falling apart. That is worth naming out loud.

What got me was him being cheerful about the suitcases and then cooking and sitting close on the couch like nothing was happening. That mix of pushing the divorce and acting like a couple would tie anyone's nervous system in knots. You are not weak for collapsing under it.

And the mocking, saying you act out to torture him. Four days of panic attacks is your body doing what bodies do under grief, not a performance for an audience. You do not have to argue that point with him. Save your breath for people who already get it, including the ones here.