Moving on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

Just about a year ago I had an amazing relationship with a girl I knew in college end just before I was graduating. After a breakup, loss of a friend, and feeling lost after graduation in general, she filed a restraining order on me. It ended with dismissal and jay agreeing to stay away.

The point of this is she was so important to me and I still care about her. I understand that she has a disorder and that it is so hard for her to be around people, specially me, and also be in those emotions at the same time. I know I have to let her go and I think I have done a tremendous amount of work already to the point where I don’t have depression anymore and I’m not constantly thinking about her, but it still lingers in my mind. I haven’t gone a single day without thinking about her at least a little since the breakup.

I’m going to another school to get a masters and I’m hoping that a change in scenery and a purpose is what will help me move on. I’ve done so much work in therapy just understanding that these connections I had with her and another friend who took her side were two of the most important people in my life that were just one day there and then they just weren’t anymore and I’m hoping to find more connections at college. I guess my question is how do you move on from someone who you thought was your life, especially when you still love her?

Thanks

[Popcorn27]

Hi,

Just about a year ago I had an amazing relationship with a girl I knew in college end just before I was graduating. After a breakup, loss of a friend, and feeling lost after graduation in general, she filed a restraining order on me. It ended with dismissal and jay agreeing to stay away.

The point of this is she was so important to me and I still care about her. I understand that she has a disorder and that it is so hard for her to be around people, specially me, and also be in those emotions at the same time. I know I have to let her go and I think I have done a tremendous amount of work already to the point where I don’t have depression anymore and I’m not constantly thinking about her, but it still lingers in my mind. I haven’t gone a single day without thinking about her at least a little since the breakup.

I’m going to another school to get a masters and I’m hoping that a change in scenery and a purpose is what will help me move on. I’ve done so much work in therapy just understanding that these connections I had with her and another friend who took her side were two of the most important people in my life that were just one day there and then they just weren’t anymore and I’m hoping to find more connections at college. I guess my question is how do you move on from someone who you thought was your life, especially when you still love her?

Thanks

[Pook075]

That's really the million dollar question...and I wish that I had a million dollar answer.  I don't think any of us do though.

For me, my marriage ended in similar circumstances and all I could do was take it one day at a time.  I spent so long being "that person" in "that relationship" that I didn't have any idea how to just be me.  Over time though, I found old friends and new hobbies.  There wasn't any particular day that I thought, "I'm over it!"  Instead, it was a slow adjustment of my new reality and actually finding myself once again.

I can feel the pain in your post and I'm so sorry that you're still going through this.  All I can say is, tomorrow will be just a little bit better than today.  Stack enough of those up and mix in some new friends, and you'll be well on your way to a new chapter in life.

One other thing; I found that the busier I was, the easier I let go.  I had to stop binging Netflix; I replaced that with bike rides every afternoon and it helped a lot.  Anytime I was home alone with nothing to do, my mind would wander and I realized that it made more sense to go for a walk, visit a friend/family member, or find something productive.  I actually started volunteering at a local organization so I'd just be busier in general; all these things helped me a lot!

[CC43]

Hi there,

I like your question because it secretly gives you an answer.  You ask, how do you move on?  I think, you keep moving.  I'm a big believer in actions, especially ones that involve forward momentum.  Hobbies, exercise/sport, learning new things and spending time with friends can be a big help here.  Like Pook says, if you keep busy, that will become your focus, and then the past will gradually seem more tolerable.  Moving on implies not staying stuck or hung up on things you can't control.

I have a sibling going through a rough divorce right now.  The whole thing took him by surprise, and he's doubting his very identity.  He feels a mix of shame, regret, anger and grief.  One time when he was really down, I asked him to recall some moments he felt happy--anything that came to mind, nothing was insignificant or stupid.  He named one thing, and I said, Great, how about another?  And another?  And another?  And another?  After naming around a dozen happy moments in rapid-fire succession, I said, Well it seems to me that there are some themes here.  You seem to be happiest when you're outdoors, doing something active, or spending time with friends.  How about you focus on trying to do more of that in your life right now, when you most need it?  You have an opportunity here, because you don't have a partner to worry about right now (their schedule, their preferences, their needs, etc.)--you can pursue what makes you happiest with no guilt!  And I'm pleased to say that he started moving again.  He goes surfing.  He joined a pick-up hockey team.  He took a ski trip with some friends.  He joined a men's bible study group.  He goes for walks with a friendly neighbor.  Now when we talk, at least half of the conversation is about all the great stuff he's doing. 

Now, I'm older than my sibling, and physically I'm way past my peak.  But this year, I started cross-country skiing, whenever there was snow on the ground.  I also started stretching every day as a New Year's resolution.  I exercise my brain with daily foreign language lessons.  Sometimes I work on artistic projects, and sometimes I undertake small renovation projects.  I nurture an herb garden.  My point is, people have different tastes and aptitudes, and those can evolve over time.  But moving--as in, staying active--makes for a happier, fuller life in my opinion.

As for friends, you could try to reach out to some older ones.  I do that every so often.  I'll say something like, I thought of you and thought I'd check in to see how you're doing.  More often than not, they're delighted to hear from me, and we'll make plans to talk or get together.

Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

she filed a restraining order on me

Sadly this says it all, you're not the only one here to have lived through that experience.  Ponder how someone who you thought loved you could file such a thing.  It's a legal action that could have followed you for life.  Yes, she's messed up, disordered apparently, but no matter how you look at it, she was bad news.

Your heart wishes it didn't end this way but that's the way it is.  Until your heart catches up with reality, listen to your brain.

Long term, perhaps years from now and depending on the local laws, your lawyer may have told you that you may be able to expunge that case so even though it was denied it won't haunt your future.