Second and more official break up with BPD partner - I feel very lost

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I've recently had my relationship end with my ex partner who has BPD, about a month ago, and it's been quite difficult to move through that, deciding whether to move on or not.

To provide context, my now-ex had a stalker situation escalate, and it made them feel unsafe to be around someone of the opposite gender like myself, meaning they no longer had capacity to be in a relationship anymore, and needed to focus on themselves to improve things in their life.

The hard part for me is that they clarified I had done nothing wrong, and that we both loved each other an incredible amount, but couldn't be together right now. Leading up to this, there was clear evidence that a "split" was potentially on the cards, noticing a shift in their behaviour and being harder to reach, which was difficult for me to navigate.

When we broke up, and had a couple of weeks before saying a last goodbye, I let them know I was going to move forward and not put my life on hold, but leave the door open for them to contact me. Last year, they did something similar within a few weeks of us dating, and they were too scared about contacting me because they didn't know if I would be there. I guess now I'm hoping after a 6-7 month relationship, that the likelihood of that happening and there being more confidence in reaching out will be there, given we both spoke about believing in serendipity and if it will be, it will be, and also that there's clear evidence that we could have a really excellent relationship together.

I guess my struggle at the moment with moving on is the idea of not waiting, but still thinking about them, and ultimately wanting to get back with them when they're able to. These feelings are particularly intense today because it's their birthday and I did leave them with a birthday card that celebrated them, but also let them know how nice our time was together and that I would always be there. I don't know if they've read that card today, another day, or it's been thrown out. I guess I'm not sure how to go about wanting to try and resume this relationship, because I'd like to think I've found my person and I think they feel the same, with us both professing that it's the most we've loved anyone before.

I just don't know whether to reach out, if that'll make it worse, when to reach out, let her come to me - I just don't know and I don't know if I should be fighting for it, or let them fight for it first.

[thebigone14]

Hi all,

I've recently had my relationship end with my ex partner who has BPD, about a month ago, and it's been quite difficult to move through that, deciding whether to move on or not.

To provide context, my now-ex had a stalker situation escalate, and it made them feel unsafe to be around someone of the opposite gender like myself, meaning they no longer had capacity to be in a relationship anymore, and needed to focus on themselves to improve things in their life.

The hard part for me is that they clarified I had done nothing wrong, and that we both loved each other an incredible amount, but couldn't be together right now. Leading up to this, there was clear evidence that a "split" was potentially on the cards, noticing a shift in their behaviour and being harder to reach, which was difficult for me to navigate.

When we broke up, and had a couple of weeks before saying a last goodbye, I let them know I was going to move forward and not put my life on hold, but leave the door open for them to contact me. Last year, they did something similar within a few weeks of us dating, and they were too scared about contacting me because they didn't know if I would be there. I guess now I'm hoping after a 6-7 month relationship, that the likelihood of that happening and there being more confidence in reaching out will be there, given we both spoke about believing in serendipity and if it will be, it will be, and also that there's clear evidence that we could have a really excellent relationship together.

I guess my struggle at the moment with moving on is the idea of not waiting, but still thinking about them, and ultimately wanting to get back with them when they're able to. These feelings are particularly intense today because it's their birthday and I did leave them with a birthday card that celebrated them, but also let them know how nice our time was together and that I would always be there. I don't know if they've read that card today, another day, or it's been thrown out. I guess I'm not sure how to go about wanting to try and resume this relationship, because I'd like to think I've found my person and I think they feel the same, with us both professing that it's the most we've loved anyone before.

I just don't know whether to reach out, if that'll make it worse, when to reach out, let her come to me - I just don't know and I don't know if I should be fighting for it, or let them fight for it first.

[PeteWitsend]

...

I guess my struggle at the moment with moving on is the idea of not waiting, but still thinking about them, and ultimately wanting to get back with them when they're able to.
...

Are they diagnosed BPD?

What are you hoping for?  You're posting on the detaching and learning board, but it sounds like you're really not over them...

It's up to you what you want to do, but it sounds like she moved on - perhaps to someone else - without looking back.  If you want to reach out, I don't see any harm in that; the worst she can say is "No" or "do not contact me" right?  Just don't have any expectations, and realize if this person ditched you so easily over "feelings" once, they can do it again, even if they seem receptive to rekindling the relationship.  It sounds like you fall hard for people, or at least you did for this person, so harden your heart a bit if she (I think you referred to "her") does open the door. 

This part though:

...

To provide context, my now-ex had a stalker situation escalate, and it made them feel unsafe to be around someone of the opposite gender like myself, meaning they no longer had capacity to be in a relationship anymore, and needed to focus on themselves to improve things in their life.

The hard part for me is that they clarified I had done nothing wrong, and that we both loved each other an incredible amount, but couldn't be together right now. Leading up to this, there was clear evidence that a "split" was potentially on the cards, noticing a shift in their behaviour and being harder to reach, which was difficult for me to navigate.
....

How much of what she said are you sure about?  If someone I was in a relationship said that to me, I'd probably just move on.  Even assuming she's being completely honest and forthcoming with you, indicting an entire gender over the actions of one (1) person shows a lot of emotional immaturity on her part, and a need to grow up. 

And that's the best case scenario.  if - on the other hand - she's NOT being completely honest, and some or all of that is made up, well she just revealed that she would play games with your feelings & could discard someone she supposedly loves for no reason at all.