The unfortunate trap of "Well BPDs love to cling to Narcissists!" (Autism)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Anyone here autistic AF?

Due to growing up in an incredibly invalidating home life (save that rant for another time), I ended up trying to "save people" as a young adult - all of which led to one of my "projects" telling me she had catastrophic drug-induced liver failure and had been removed from the transplant list due to her longstanding alcoholism and begging me to marry her...and yup, we married. I figured it was a "good deed", and why not - she was diagnosed BPD but in my youth I felt sure that was "just a label" and ultimately enough willpower and self-control could solve it. (Spoiler: Nope).

But one of the traps that seemed to ensnare people was that the "pop culture understanding" of BPD says "Oh, the only people who get into relationships with them are narcissists because they love the adulation when splitting cuts in their favour", but that seems lazy and overly speculative - lots of quotes in medical literature, not much peer-reviewed research. But then it's used for example in divorce and family court to say "Well we all KNOW what it means if someone married a BPD", when frankly...one of the most infuriating things to autists is when people confuse two conditions that are clinical opposites.

-Narcissists are deeply insecure, and fixated on people's perception of them - they act aloof and superior to avoid/hide a crippling self-esteem issue. They probably do like BPDs "positive splitting" more than most.

-Autistic (and/or Aspies) people are clinically unable to care what others think about them, their reputation is functionally irrelevant. They probably end up with BPDs more often than most simply because they don't run away after hearing "I think you're having an affair with your sister, I saw a baby in the park that looked like you, you're just like my Dad, I gave up on my one-week career as a stripper and now I'm thinking maybe a nun, you're like literally worse than Hitler because you are the most evil sociopath narcissist psychopath gaslighting hypochondriac agoraphobic lazy workaholic ever!!!"...whereas most people run away when the "bad split" happens - but autists are just like "well, there's zero truth to that, so why would I be bothered?".

Yet somehow I still run into this constant age-old bias that's crept up into the literature, the idea that BPDs and Narcissists end up together and nobody else can stand them, and if you know someone with BPD then their significant other must be a narcissist. My ex claiming I was a narcissist actually led to a forensic psychiatric examination of me that not only dismissed narcissism, but very politely said "he has the dead opposite of narcissism, this cracka be autistic AF and don't give a damn what she or anyone else thinks - she's simply a goodwill project he's worked on helping and allowing in his life in ways that seem perplexing to outsiders" (I'm paraphrasing)

It seems like a topic I haven't seen addressed on this forum much before, and the "Search" function is broken - so I'll just ask...anyone else noticed this?

[PearlsBefore]

Anyone here autistic AF?

Due to growing up in an incredibly invalidating home life (save that rant for another time), I ended up trying to "save people" as a young adult - all of which led to one of my "projects" telling me she had catastrophic drug-induced liver failure and had been removed from the transplant list due to her longstanding alcoholism and begging me to marry her...and yup, we married. I figured it was a "good deed", and why not - she was diagnosed BPD but in my youth I felt sure that was "just a label" and ultimately enough willpower and self-control could solve it. (Spoiler: Nope).

But one of the traps that seemed to ensnare people was that the "pop culture understanding" of BPD says "Oh, the only people who get into relationships with them are narcissists because they love the adulation when splitting cuts in their favour", but that seems lazy and overly speculative - lots of quotes in medical literature, not much peer-reviewed research. But then it's used for example in divorce and family court to say "Well we all KNOW what it means if someone married a BPD", when frankly...one of the most infuriating things to autists is when people confuse two conditions that are clinical opposites.

-Narcissists are deeply insecure, and fixated on people's perception of them - they act aloof and superior to avoid/hide a crippling self-esteem issue. They probably do like BPDs "positive splitting" more than most.

-Autistic (and/or Aspies) people are clinically unable to care what others think about them, their reputation is functionally irrelevant. They probably end up with BPDs more often than most simply because they don't run away after hearing "I think you're having an affair with your sister, I saw a baby in the park that looked like you, you're just like my Dad, I gave up on my one-week career as a stripper and now I'm thinking maybe a nun, you're like literally worse than Hitler because you are the most evil sociopath narcissist psychopath gaslighting hypochondriac agoraphobic lazy workaholic ever!!!"...whereas most people run away when the "bad split" happens - but autists are just like "well, there's zero truth to that, so why would I be bothered?".

Yet somehow I still run into this constant age-old bias that's crept up into the literature, the idea that BPDs and Narcissists end up together and nobody else can stand them, and if you know someone with BPD then their significant other must be a narcissist. My ex claiming I was a narcissist actually led to a forensic psychiatric examination of me that not only dismissed narcissism, but very politely said "he has the dead opposite of narcissism, this cracka be autistic AF and don't give a damn what she or anyone else thinks - she's simply a goodwill project he's worked on helping and allowing in his life in ways that seem perplexing to outsiders" (I'm paraphrasing)

It seems like a topic I haven't seen addressed on this forum much before, and the "Search" function is broken - so I'll just ask...anyone else noticed this?

[Notwendy]

What I have read is that a pairing between a pwBPD and one with NPD tends to be dramatic, and less stable and that the more long lasting pairing is with a pwBPD and a partner with enabling/co-dependent traits. That doesn't mean it isn't a difficult relationship but that it tends to last longer.

I think autism isn't addressed as much due to the more recent awareness of high functioning - Level 1 autism. Someone who is more severely on the spectrum, I think would be less likely to pair up with someone due to the social skill demands. However people with higher functioning can maintain relationships, sometimes it takes some effort. I also think they are less likely to be identified due to being able to "mask" or compensate in a social setting.

I can't be certain about any posters but I think I have seen examples of all three on the board- due to the situations they are concerned about. Most don't use a specific label. I think the most common situation is the partner who has been walking on eggshells and is looking for another solution. Many do not believe that the term "co-dependent" fits them but they do say they have been walking on eggshells and compensating for their BPD partner.

Some posters have idenfied as being on the spectrum. I think more information will come out about this pairing. I have wondered if perhaps my father had autistic traits. He eventually also was enabling but I wonder if that was an adaptation to the relationship with my BPD mother. I didn't ever consider he might be somewhat on the spectrum, before the information of high functioning ASD was available. He would not have been indenfied in this time.

He had a "brainy" edge to him and while I saw him as being sociable, but thinking about it, it was mostly with his like minded peers. He didn't share other interests like sports, or other hobbies one thinks of as "with the guys". However, I also think his free time for that was limited as my BPD mother's emotional needs were high and he also took on most of the parenting role at home.

Personally, I think people on the ASD spectrum have unique skills and these may be their focus. Not everyone needs to be very social, and so if that is not their focus, they may not pick up on some red flags, as you described?


BPD mother's skill set was her social savvy and charm, something someone on the spectrum may not be so skilled at. She could be manipulative. I think someone on the spectrum might not pick up on some of these subtle signs when first meeting her. But also not many people did at first, whether or not on the spectrum. I don't believe he had any idea of her issues when they got married, but others on this board didn't see issues at the beginning either.