Separating from my husband - help!

[Alz123]

This is my first post so I'm not quite sure where to start. I will try and keep this brief:

I have been with my husband for 4.5 years. We met and fell deeply in love (of course!) and things were amazing. He proposed after about a year and we were married after 2 years. Then things started to change. It started to become apparent that if I tried to raise any difficulties in the relationship or share my feelings that were related to our struggles, it didn't go well. He would go into some kind of rage and see me as his enemy rather than his biggest supporter.

Then at the beginning of this year I found out that he had accrued £35k debt without me knowing. Thankfully not in my name but we were married by this point. I was utterly heartbroken but went completely numb,  meanwhile he fell apart in floods of tears and admitted to deeply hating himself and having always struggled with self-loathing. I felt hopeful at this point because if you can see the problem, you can find a solution. He agreed to go to therapy and bought a book. Whilst reading that book he came across BPD and said to me 'I think I'm BPD' and then promptly stopped reading the book. It wasn't a conversation starter as this was in the middle of a row, so I never came back to it (for fear of triggering him). Fast forward to where I am now - 8 months on - and things have gone from bad to worse. Whilst he has been transparent about his finances he was still spending on unnecessary things. But worse than that he was unable to help heal my emotional pain, carrying on as though nothing had happened. After a couple of really bad times on our recent holiday I finally realised I'd had enough. He was flipping from putting me on a very high pedestal to me being the _____ on the bottom of his shoe. So, after a lot of thought and trepidation, yesterday, I told him that I can't it any more and I want a separation.

Initially he was trying to suggest he can change and do better (he's been saying this for months) and now he's being very cold and hostile. The hostility really hurts me as I'm already utterly broken. We are still having to live together for now and probably will for a few weeks yet. I can't move out as it's my home with my adult daughter and he wouldn't turn to any friends (he doesn't speak to his family). I am trying to cope with it by just being myself and not being around him whilst still being kind to him in the face of his hostility. I would be very grateful for any suggestions on how to cope with this.

Oh... during our long chat yesterday he said 'therapy doesn't work for me'. He knows that I want him to go to therapy again (a more suitable type of therapy) so there is no hope from that angle.

Thank you in advance for any replies.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to BPDFamily. We just wish, of course, that it was under better circumstances.  It is what it is.  So let's look to the future as we deal with the past and current problems.  Over the years we have accumulated a vast amount of insight and strategies... a collective wisdom of sorts.  On the other hand, people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are just that, people with a variety of abnormal traits and therefore they react and overreact in slightly different extents though the patterns are recognizable.

He would go into some kind of rage and see me as his enemy rather than his biggest supporter.

I think this is where the "splitting" description arose - viewing the world in extremes that can flip instantly depending on moods and perceptions.  It is inexplicable how someone can claim to love one moment, then get triggered by almost anything and thereafter perceive us as their worst enemy.  Yet that is part of their unhealthy dysfunction.  Compound that with their resistance to positive change and it is a recipe for disaster.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-splitting-425210

Then at the beginning of this year I found out that he had accrued £35k debt without me knowing... Fast forward to where I am now - 8 months on - and things have gone from bad to worse. So, after a lot of thought and trepidation, yesterday, I told him that I can't it any more and I want a separation.

A caution here.  When you are trying to repair a damaged relationship, you do share information with the goal to restoring trust.  But if it becomes apparent that the relationship is not just damaged but also probably irreparable, they you have to be judicious about what you do share and what you don't share.  Why?  You don't want to share information which might enable the other to cause you more harm or even sabotage you.

I don't know how separations work in your country but in my area separations leave the marriage intact and, while you physically are separated, you are still financially connected.  That is a big risk for you, the financial liabilities.  It would be wise for you to privately and confidentially seek consultations with experienced solicitors or attorneys to learn to what extent you are exposed to your spouse's financial irresponsibility and how best to carefully extricate yourself from his financial excesses.

Usually it is best to do this legal groundwork without sharing this with the other.  You have a right to privacy and expected confidentiality.  PwBPD often do not have the typical respect for you that a normal person would exercise.  At this point you should have self-protection as a higher priority.

Initially he was trying to suggest he can change and do better (he's been saying this for months) and now he's being very cold and hostile. The hostility really hurts me as I'm already utterly broken.

While the peer support here is excellent and invaluable, we also know that local support is also so very helpful.  Do not think you won't benefit from in-person counseling.  You are not alone.