Trying to understand and accept.

[Prouncer]

I’m wondering how common it is for pwBPD to completely misrepresent my helpful actions and kind supportive intentions and turn them into me being a demon. Being a control freak, trying to destroy her, belittle her, close her down,  being manipulative etc. actually think of any negative adjective, I have been called them all. And they are so convinced they are right. One then wonders why they would keep coming back if you are so horrid. They convince themselves so much they leave and block you ,with no concept of discussion or forgiveness or understanding of their own actions. And always blame me. I think I have received the occasional blanket apology but I’m not sure it was genuine or understood the actions they had done. And the hurt they had caused. They can’t ever see their bit in the story either.  Is this typical?

[Pook075]

It's very common, especially during a final discard, because the BPD truly believes that you're working against them and/or trying to harm them.  In many ways it's at the heart of the mental illness and one of the easiest traits to recognize. 

Every person here has expeirenced it at least once- often it happens many times from the same BPD.  Why?  Because after being "written off", some time passes and the BPD returns all happy and giddy, with no idea why they ever left in the first place.  But the same cycle appears in the relationship until a final discard happens all over again...often faster than the time before.

The super good parts of the relationship and the terrible endings all stem from the same thing; disordered thinking and seeing things in absolutes (the person of interest is all good, all bad, etc).  When you're seen as good, in their eyes you can do no wrong.  When you're seen as bad, you can't do anything right.  That's the crux of the sickness.

[Under The Bridge]

I’m wondering how common it is for pwBPD to completely misrepresent my helpful actions and kind supportive intentions

Absolutely par for the course. They never see your actions as positive or caring; always negative and 'plotting against them'.  It's the ultimate no-win scenario as they'll find some way - in their disordered thinking - to turn your well-meaning acts into threats.

Nothing I ever did for my exBPD was seen as genuine, in her eyes I was always being nice to hide something I'd done or as part of a plan to put her down. Couldn't convince her otherwise.

After they've left - and especially if they've found nobody else to immediately jump into a relationship with - they'll often come back to avoid being alone. Maybe somewhere in their broken minds they do actually know you were nice to them so they come back.. only for the new idealisation phase to fade again and once more you're the villain. In other words, the same treadmill.. and sadly, we're all too eager to get back on it to as we remember the good times we did have and how things might have been.

In the end it simply comes down to when we finally decide we've done our best and no longer want this to be our life, and finally step off the treadmill.

[Prouncer]

Thank you for your kind responses. It helps put things in perspective for me. The final recent closing message(s) from the pwBPD sound coherent and well written. She is definitely smart. To the observer they don’t read like she is a nutter. But they sadly describe a person and actions of that person ( me) which I’m not. And a now hatred of me that is evil, scary evil, and firm in its finality..It’s like they have made up a character. A persona and fit me to it. One they deep down hated from their past. Maybe it is a persona around one of the men that abused her or neglected her as a child. ? I often wondered if that could happen. Certainly arguing and defending against shadows , nonsense and untruths was a big part of my role. It’s funny tho how you know they actually love you and you represent everything they have ever wanted.  But then do their best to ruin it, destroy it. With no ability to truly self reflect. That concept is anathema to them. A leading psychiatrist and bpd specialist told me years ago , back in the 90s, that borderline really meant they were on the borderline of madness …in and out of sanity  to madness and back again.. that description stuck with me. Maybe the studies have progressed that definition since but it sure made sense to me then and does now too. Sadly I have had definitely two or maybe  three pw BPD in my life. It’s so good to read others have had the same nightmare and I’m not going mad. The similarities are frightening. And remarkable.

[Under The Bridge]

It’s like they have made up a character. A persona and fit me to it. One they deep down hated from their past. Maybe it is a persona around one of the men that abused her or neglected her as a child.

Again, that's very common with BPD. You end up wondering if you're being punished for the sins of someone else in their past life.

During her last - and worst - meltdown, I still recall her glaring at me through eyes where her pupils had turned jet black, a sign of disconnection from reality. Very scary to see and at the time I wondered if she was actually seeing me in her head at all? She was looking at me but in her mind was she seeing the face of someone who'd hurt her in the past? Very probably.

I never knew what sort of background she had; I never asked and she never offered any information. I had a feeling that if I had asked, it would only have set her off again.

Many years later I spoke with her sister-in-law and all she could tell me was that her and her brother 'didn't have a good childhood', whatever that meant.  I'd like to have known the whole story, maybe I could have gotten through to her though I'm pretty sure she would have still acted the way she did.

[Notwendy]

Thank you for your kind responses. It helps put things in perspective for me. The final recent closing message(s) from the pwBPD sound coherent and well written. She is definitely smart. To the observer they don’t read like she is a nutter. But they sadly describe a person and actions of that person ( me) which I’m not. And a now hatred of me that is evil, scary evil, and firm in its finality..It’s like they have made up a character. A persona and fit me to it. One they deep down hated from their past. Maybe it is a persona around one of the men that abused her or neglected her as a child. ? I often wondered if that could happen. Certainly arguing and defending against shadows , nonsense and untruths was a big part of my role. It’s funny tho how you know they actually love you and you represent everything they have ever wanted.  But then do their best to ruin it, destroy it. With no ability to truly self reflect. That concept is anathema to them. A leading psychiatrist and bpd specialist told me years ago , back in the 90s, that borderline really meant they were on the borderline of madness …in and out of sanity  to madness and back again.. that description stuck with me. Maybe the studies have progressed that definition since but it sure made sense to me then and does now too. Sadly I have had definitely two or maybe  three pw BPD in my life. It’s so good to read others have had the same nightmare and I’m not going mad. The similarities are frightening. And remarkable.

My BPD mother was intelligent.

It was sad to wonder if she ever actually knew me or that what she knew about me was filtered through her projections and emotions. So this isn't exclusive to a romantic relationship - it  involved other family members. Ironically, BPD seems to affect the closest relationships the most- as they involve the most emotions. That is one reason why it feels so crazy making when people they aren't as close to don't experience it.

It is possible that prior abuse is a factor with BPD. Not all the time but it can be. I don't have any actual evidence but I have wondered if my BPD mother was abused by someone and if that experienced shaped the projections. Sometimes there's no event like that and BPD develops in a person who is emotionally or genetically vulnerable- and is sensitive to lesser situations where another person wouldn't be. Sometimes it's not possible to know why.

I have had the experience of helpful behaviors being misinterpreted. In her elder years, we kids would plan visits with the intention of helping BPD mother. We would spend the whole time doing errands, helping her with tasks, as one would think adult children would do for an elderly parent. Yet, she would find something we did or didn't do, or did incorrectly and get upset about it.

You are hurting and trying to make some sense out of the situation and wondering how could someone who supposedly loved you, and who you loved, act like this? You gave this your best effort, and being human, you aren't perfect. Nobody is, and  if someone has a filter of projections, nobody can be perfect enough. It is sad that your ex could not see you as you are instead of through her emotional filter. You are correct in that you didn't create that filter and you can not change it.

I hope knowing this helps you to come to some peace over what happened.

[Alz123]

They convince themselves so much they leave and block you ,with no concept of discussion or forgiveness or understanding of their own actions. And always blame me. I think I have received the occasional blanket apology but I’m not sure it was genuine or understood the actions they had done. And the hurt they had caused. They can’t ever see their bit in the story either.  Is this typical?

I am in this right now. My husband moved out just over a week ago and there was still a small part of me hoping that he would wake the f up and realise what his actions have caused, feel remorse, and decide to do the work he needs to do on himself (even if we don't reconcile). However, the only thing I'm getting is the occasional cold message as if he were messaging a friend and some indirect behaviours which are very hurtful. I did message him yesterday asking if at some point we could talk about what happens next and the reply was, 'I don't know what to say without it coming across as me being angry, bitter, resentful' implying that he's feeling all those things towards me. I've literally done nothing wrong other than decide I can't live with the volatility and lies any more. I guess I should be grateful that he had enough restraint to not vent his anger in the message. Like most of us here, I've been kind, compassionate and understanding but it will never cut through his deeply ingrained defences. I'm realising that doesn't mean that I have to stop being me but I can't expect him to change. It is so so painful to be on the receiving end of this, especially when we once felt their love.

[Prouncer]

Hi alz 123.
Sorry to hear of your story. It’s remarkable to me to hear how many of us have incurred the same vitriol and judgements etc about us. It’s like the pwBPD come out of the same mould. I can never really understand, though I do accept, how they can  never see themselves and their behaviour as being the issue. Whenever I’d say ‘ look it’s you I Don’t or didn’t do any of those things …etc’ I get the histrionics and how I’m always blaming her and I never do anything wrong…which actually I don’t. The old saying ‘ it takes two to tango’ doesn’t apply to pwBPD as it’s nearly always them provoking, criticising, judging, demeaning, ridiculing etc. and just to appear fair you take on some of the blame even when you don’t deserve to. Which eventually really damaged my self=worth. Nothing you say or do can convince them that you are not the instigator of the nightmare. And that they are. Any inference  might be at fault can send them into a spiral leading towards suicide ideation and it’s all your fault as you are so nasty and horrid. And somehow we love them despite all this , for me because I see their inate  beauty in there some where and always hoped it might stay ..
But it never does.

[tg96chz7vh]

I went through something very similar after my relationship ended. What helped me most was finding small distractions to break the obsessive thought loops while I worked through it emotionally. A simple one I found useful was https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.casinoscout.app - just something to occupy my mind for a few minutes during the hardest moments. Hang in there, it does get easier with time.

[PearlsBefore]

You've just summarized BPD in relationships very well, yes.

If you're married or have children, (I'm not allowed to advise you to stay and figure things out).

If you're not married and don't have kids, (I'm not allowed to advise you to run, run fast!)

, but jokes aside - everybody looks at their own situation. One of the important things to do is make sure your own self-esteem is bulletproof, you need to learn to just ignore the absurd insults - they are coming from a place of absurdity, don't let them dent your own self-image. But also be aware this person will try to get others to adopt and validate their "reality" of you as a monster - it's going to hurt extended family relations, professional relationships, etc. (My ex used to phone my workplace to scream at my boss, for example)

[Under The Bridge]

But also be aware this person will try to get others to adopt and validate their "reality" of you as a monster

My exBPD was like that; she didn't mind her friends talking to me when we were in our 'love' phase but after she'd split she didn't like them talking to me.. maybe because if they did they might find out that I'm not the demon as she describes but the same nice guy as always.

She never explicitly told them not to speak to me but they responded to her mood at the time, like she had some sort of psychic hold over them that said 'I'm not talking to him at the moment so neither are you'.

[Rowdy]

Hi alz 123.
Sorry to hear of your story. It’s remarkable to me to hear how many of us have incurred the same vitriol and judgements etc about us. It’s like the pwBPD come out of the same mould. I can never really understand, though I do accept, how they can  never see themselves and their behaviour as being the issue. Whenever I’d say ‘ look it’s you I Don’t or didn’t do any of those things …etc’ I get the histrionics and how I’m always blaming her and I never do anything wrong…which actually I don’t. The old saying ‘ it takes two to tango’ doesn’t apply to pwBPD as it’s nearly always them provoking, criticising, judging, demeaning, ridiculing etc. and just to appear fair you take on some of the blame even when you don’t deserve to. Which eventually really damaged my self=worth. Nothing you say or do can convince them that you are not the instigator of the nightmare. And that they are. Any inference  might be at fault can send them into a spiral leading towards suicide ideation and it’s all your fault as you are so nasty and horrid. And somehow we love them despite all this , for me because I see their inate  beauty in there some where and always hoped it might stay ..
But it never does.

This pretty much. They kind of do come from the same mould, because their thoughts and actions are driven by the same disordered thinking they all suffer from. I think the majority are intelligent, my ex certainly is, but a lot of their thoughts and behaviour comes from projection. If they don’t see they have a problem, or a disorder, they believe everyone thinks the same and operates on the same wavelengths they do.

For example, if a normal healthy individual had an affair, their likely feelings would be that of guilt, of remorse. We know it’s wrong, hurtful and causes damage. If a disordered person has an affair they are less likely to feel guilt or remorse because in their mind they are doing what you are doing to them, or would likely do to them if you had the chance. And because they think you want to do it to them they don’t feel guilt because you deserve it. It becomes a viscous looping cycle that you can’t control.

Most of us can read any thread on here and relate to it. In this thread alone I can relate to your comment about how we never do anything wrong. Of course, we do, but we usually have a healthy set of morals that restricts us from overstepping boundaries which is a threat to their conduct.

And Pearlsbefores comment about hurting extended family relations and professional relationships. Nearer the beginning of my relationship my ex went into my place of work and had a full blown argument with my boss and made me hand my notice in, because I would be late home from work at times being caught in traffic. This meant I thought more of my boss than I did her. And because of the shady way in which she left our relationship, has spread lies that I have either slept with or had an affair with her sister, which has now in the last month, and we are talking three years post breakup, been blown up out of all proportion again because I gave her a narcissistic injury by pointing out her actions and behaviour has had a negative impact on our adult son that is affecting his behaviour. I had a good relationship with her sister and her husband, they were part of my support network. By manipulating her friend into making new allegations she has tried to destroy that support network because I held a mirror up to her and it embarrassed her.

As NotWendy says it is those closest to the pwBPD that are usually targeted. It was me, her sister, and her friend that she has manipulated into making these accusations that were closest to her, and she has actually told me she holds a grudge against the three of us, even though we were the three people she could trust and rely on her internal thoughts and emotions have painted us out to be villains in her narrative.