Is this normal for a bpd partner

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Is it normal for the pwbpd to accuse you of everything you say you are doing to her? For example, if I say I am walking in eggshells around her she says she is doing the same around me. If I say she can’t commit to me she says I do the same. If I say she pushes me away she says I do the same.
She also never acknowledges her behaviour , or in a recent case , after sending one of her evil emails that made me feel,sick , brushed it off a few weeks later with… ‘ I don’t do that type of thing anymore’! As if she has progressed from that awfulness.  So get over it. Trivialised it. No apology. Like it was a flippant idea and ignored me telling her how hurtful and devastating the message was to me. Ignored the consequence.
Now she is doing all this ‘ spiritual work’ which is fine I don’t have a problem with that , except she now seems to have ‘ delusions of grandeur and omnipotence ‘ . ( nit therapy though, what a waste of time that is) She sees and feels things that I don’t, such as . ‘You need to get your prostate checked.’ On the way home from dinner .because I was busting for  a wee.  When I told her it had been checked recently and was fine she remonstrated with me for ..
1 not listening to her
2 shutting her  down because my doctor gave me the all clear just a few months prior.
3 not letting the idea lie, because her intuition said there is a problem with it and why do I listen to doctors over her feelings. ?
4 then argument happened as I did Jade …silly me. And  she got out of the car, then back in , then goaded me all the way home. Trying to ridicule and rubbish me.
5 then wonders why eventually I get annoyed at her.
Then tells me she hasn’t had these arguments etc with any other lovers in her life

[Prouncer]

Is it normal for the pwbpd to accuse you of everything you say you are doing to her? For example, if I say I am walking in eggshells around her she says she is doing the same around me. If I say she can’t commit to me she says I do the same. If I say she pushes me away she says I do the same.
She also never acknowledges her behaviour , or in a recent case , after sending one of her evil emails that made me feel,sick , brushed it off a few weeks later with… ‘ I don’t do that type of thing anymore’! As if she has progressed from that awfulness.  So get over it. Trivialised it. No apology. Like it was a flippant idea and ignored me telling her how hurtful and devastating the message was to me. Ignored the consequence.
Now she is doing all this ‘ spiritual work’ which is fine I don’t have a problem with that , except she now seems to have ‘ delusions of grandeur and omnipotence ‘ . ( nit therapy though, what a waste of time that is) She sees and feels things that I don’t, such as . ‘You need to get your prostate checked.’ On the way home from dinner .because I was busting for  a wee.  When I told her it had been checked recently and was fine she remonstrated with me for ..
1 not listening to her
2 shutting her  down because my doctor gave me the all clear just a few months prior.
3 not letting the idea lie, because her intuition said there is a problem with it and why do I listen to doctors over her feelings. ?
4 then argument happened as I did Jade …silly me. And  she got out of the car, then back in , then goaded me all the way home. Trying to ridicule and rubbish me.
5 then wonders why eventually I get annoyed at her.
Then tells me she hasn’t had these arguments etc with any other lovers in her life

[PearlsBefore]

I don't think it's one of the commonly-cited symptoms, but I can definitely relate - my dBPD ex told police that I was diagnosed with BPD not her, then told them I was a narcissist (she'd read enough books to know that statistically narcissists often end up codependent with BPDs).

Even after she acknowledged SHE was the one diagnosed with BPD, I still ended up going through this big psych evaluation that very politely concluded I was the dead opposite of narcissist because, I forget how exactly they worded it, but basically concluding that I have zero concern for anybody's perception of me and other symptoms...it all but screamed "THIS GUY IS AUTISTIC AND SIMPLY DOESN'T CARE THAT SHE ABUSES HIM" and was mildly amusing, even in a dark time.

[Alz123]

I have definitely experienced this. When my husband would engage in one of his rants he would say things like  "I can never do anything right, I don't feel safe in this relationship with you. I feel like you're manipulating me" I overheard him one day in a counselling session saying "every day I get the emotional _____ kicked out of me". I was gobsmacked. I will just clarify that the session was supposed to be the 2 of us but I left because he started to escalate, so I sat on the stairs listening to the crap that was coming out of his mouth.

These were all things I could justifiably say about him but none of it is true of me! I would often think them about him but would rarely say it out loud because of the likely fall out.  It was all pure projection from him.

From Googe: Psychological projection is an unconscious defense mechanism where a person attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, motives, or traits onto someone else.

It seems like with the prostate thing she's found a thing to latch on to that she can now in her mind justifiably use as 'you're not listening to me'. It's incredible how they will find a thing and that then becomes their focus for their 'justified' outbursts. And there is no arguing with them. I remember with my husband  I'd say something like "but can't you see the facts here" and he would reply with "but you always say that if I feel it is a fact to me" so he'd spin around something I'd previously said in a completely different context to back himself up. At this point I'd usually give up trying.

The likelihood of her never having had these arguments with others is very low!

I'm fortunate in the it takes a lot to get me angry but I would imagine in my husband's previous relationships they would get furious, particularly his ex wife who he has painted as the crazy ex (of course she was crazy, she was with him for 20 years!).

Anyway, in summary, I think what you are experiencing is common but will show up in different ways. Try not to bother arguing the point, maybe use some of the tools described on this site about validating whilst keeping your boundaries. Good luck!

[Pook075]

It really comes down to perception when your partner is in heightened emotional states.  A lot of what they say is reactionary to how they feel, so it's not based on fact.

For instance, if I tell you that the sun looks purple today, but you say it's clearly yellow/white.

But what if the sun actually does look purple due to my sunglasses, or maybe I have an eye condition or color blindness.  I state "my truth" because it really does look purple, but you respond with a tone in your voice that suggests I'm a complete idiot for saying/thinking that.  Chances are pretty good that my response to you won't be calm and level-headed.

For BPDs, this is true a lot more often.  What they perceive as "their truth" is reactionary to their feelings.  If you say she can't commit, it might really hurt her and feel like rejection, so her response is that you're the one not committing.  For her, it's 100% true because she might not be able to fully process and understand how she hurt you to begin with.  So she sees it as passive agressive behavior meant to put her down.

For instance, I remember one of the last "arguments" with my BPD ex-wife.  She said vile things to me intentionally to hurt me a few days after we separated.  Long story short, she left for a week, came home for a day, then said, "I can't think of a single reason I would want to be with you anymore."  It was obvious she was disassociating, and as she packed her bags I started to weep.  I mean, really really cry.  It came out of nowhere.  And she seemed shocked. 

I walked away from her though and told her to get her things together and leave since that's what she wanted.  But I kept getting more and more upset, I probably had a panic attack because I started to hyperventilate a little bit.  I just lost it.  Then she walked into the room I was in, sat down for maybe 30 seconds, and said, "I could stay and be a good person, or I can leave and be a total b-word."  After a slight pause, "Yeah, I guess I'll be a b-word."  And she walked out.  I was in total shock- that wasn't my wife of 24 years.  I didn't even recognize her anymore.

The next day I told her that she was being mean and abusive the night before, and from that moment on she began telling everyone she knew that I "was mentally abusive and there's no way she could ever come back to that."

Was it true?  Sure, from her viewpoint it absolutely was.  From an outsiders perspective, she was an absolute monster- but that doesn't necessarily matter because I didn't tell anyone about it- how could I and still fight for my marriage?  She was highly disordered at that point and she stuck with that warped narrative for another year or so while she had an affair.

It really really stinks, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Many of us have been in very similar situations though and we survived it.

[CC43]

Is it normal for the pwbpd to accuse you of everything you say you are doing to her?

To answer your question, YES.  It's so common that I could argue it could be one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.  In a nutshell, it's projection.  In essence, your pwBPD is ruminating and worrying so much about her perceived flaws that they are always top-of-mind, and whenever she's upset, these thoughts emerge as projection onto you.  She might project a mix of anger, fear, insecurity and/or blaming, depending on the situation.  You can be certain it's projection when what she says about you is ridiculous and completely overblown.  Like, "You're a lazy piece of s* who will never amount to anything, you're a horrible partner, you're psycho, you should be euthanized," when reality is, you work hard, you make good money, you take care of practically everything in the household, and you've gone above and beyond to take care of your partner.  The other reality?  Her words are really code for:  I don't pull my weight, I'm a lousy partner, I'm mentally unstable, he's going to break up with me, I can't take this anymore, I'm thinking of killing myself, only death would put me out of my misery.  She's ruminating about these thoughts so much that they are eating her alive.  Since these feelings are too painful to bear, she needs an outlet for them, namely YOU.  In the process, she blames you for "making" her feel this way.  PwBPD have a victim mindset, and so they believe that other people cause all their ill feelings.  In addition, she might try to "punish" you, and inflict pain, so that you have a glimpse of how horrible she feels.  That's her maladjusted way of coping with life.

Now, I'm not implying you're perfect, because nobody is perfect.  If someone is yelling at you and making accusations, what you might try is some silent fact-checking.  Is this a valid complaint?  Did you really do what they said you did?  Or is the accuser jealous, insecure or under duress, using you as a punching bag, trying to exert control, trying to extract concessions, arguing unfairly?  Are they merely projecting their own fears onto you?

I'm not going to lie, some pwBPD are smart and can figure out how to push your buttons.  They rely on the FOG--your sense of Fear, Obligation and Guilt--to cloud your judgment.  They might make insults or accusations that exploit a weakness or a gray area.  But having said that, I think that once you understand projection, it's easier not to take everything to heart.  Oftentimes, she seems unhinged.  That's just the way she is, and it has little to do with you.  You just happened to be the one closest to her, and so you're her punching bag.  Does that make sense?

[PeteWitsend]

To answer your question, YES.  It's so common that I could argue it could be one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.  In a nutshell, it's projection.  ...

Agree.  It's so common that over time, I learned to more or less just assume that these accusations that would seem to come out of left field were just projection from her. 

earlier in our relationship, she'd angrily something like "You're planning on doing XYZ!"  And I'd wonder to myself, incredulous "How could she think that?  Where did that come from?  I must find a way to reassure her I'm not doing that."

Eventually though, I realized to not take the things she was saying at face value, since she had zero credibility.  So when I'd get an unhinged accusation like "You're planning on doing XYZ!" I would just assume "Oh, she's either thinking of doing that herself, feels guilty, and is projecting that on to me to cope, or she actually did XYZ, feels guilty, and is going on the attack so she can remain the victim in her mind."

At one point after we were divorced, it got really hard when I'd pick my daughter up because she would immediately start telling me that I was a bad dad, I didn't make her healthy food, I didn't want to be her father anymore, and someday she would decide not to see me anymore.  I felt like this was all coming straight from her mom's mouth.  After a day at my house, D would have forgotten all about it, and been perfectly happy.  Indeed some times she would ask me on Sunday evening why she couldn't stay at my home even longer! 

After about a month of managing this, I got an email from BPDxw accusing me of engaging in "parental alienation" along with an explanation of what it was and why it was harmful to kids.  This confirmed in my mind that she was doing exactly what she was accusing me of, and it was more or less a confession on her part. 

"Every accusation is a confession."

[CC43]

So when I'd get an unhinged accusation like "You're planning on doing XYZ!" I would just assume "Oh, she's either thinking of doing that herself, feels guilty, and is projecting that on to me to cope, or she actually did XYZ, feels guilty, and is going on the attack so she can remain the victim in her mind."

Pete, I feel I have to interject here, because you've touched on one of my all-time most despised pet peeves:  being accused of something I haven't even done (yet).  The pwBPD traits in my life went through a phase of accusing me of futuristic events:  You're going to ruin this, you're going to anger me, you're just going to b* anyway so I'm not doing the favor you asked me, etc.  It occurred so often that I found myself repeating:  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  (Exit stage left).  It's like they assume the worst for every scenario imaginable and enjoy getting riled up over fantasy.  You're absolutely right, it's part of the victim narrative that they are creating.  There's some delusional thinking too.