Overthinking as always

[Ashesanddust]

I have been no contact with my exwbpd for the most part. I have made a couple dumb decisions and reached out in moments of weakness. I have also felt that when he seems like he's in an extra bad spot, I should check on him because I am truly worried that he will kill himself.
When I need something however, me reaching out is unhealthy and tortuous. Have any of ya'll had your exbpd beg for you to talk to them, expect you to come over at the drop of a hat, to answer their hundreds of calls? Sometimes you do. But then the couple times you need something, they ignore you? Or tell you that talking to you is too unhealthy and they just want to get on with their life? It just feels so hypocritical and one sided all the time. I know i can't expect closure or kindness even but I guess it seems wild to me that there is so little compassion for someone you once claimed to love. And claim to love still. More than anything.

I am having a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that there is so little accountability. So little understanding. The things he put me through are just so rough but he acts like they never happened or that they shouldn't be a big deal. Any time I give him an opportunity to apologize or make something right, he full tilts the opposite direction. Going through all of that is already so hard but then being told that your feelings around it aren't valid is such a stab to the heart. I just hate him and love him and hate that I love him. I am feeling so lost at sea.

Have any of ya'll felt the depression, dissociation, grief and pain get so bad that you worry that you might be capable of hurting yourself?

[wantmorepeace]

Absolutely -- sometimes that feels like the only way out.  BUT IT IS NOT.  It takes a long time to get, but keep trying to hear what's being offered on this site and the pain will ebb and eventually joy will reenter your life.

[Ashesanddust]

I've been doing my best to talk to people on here and I've been going to therapy and the occasional support group. I'm trying to stay busy with work and projects around the house. I feel so incapable of just being ok. There are so many days when I think about going back to him. I know it isn't what I should do. But I just miss the good so much. Yes, the thing that keeps me from going to him is all the bad. Which I constantly remind myself of. But I was just so in love with him. Which is also probably crazy given the tumultuous nature of our relationship. But boy is it a challenge to not get hung up on the good memories and the love making and the adventure of it all.  And then i just feel so depressed and hopeless thinking that I put all that time and effort into a future I was sure I was going to have with this person and that is all gone. And was it ever even really there or was it a construct of the mind? I get stuck in the back and forth. Trying to find the truth. Trying to move on.  But i can't shake this dark and looming feeling. What did ya'll do?

[wantmorepeace]

My situation is a family member, not a love affair -- and love affairs are hard to quit under the best of circumstances, not just when your mind and sense of self have been messed with. So I hope you'll hear from others too, but I think the things you're doing are right, but they take time -- and you need and deserve time to recover and figure out next steps in your life. Also, I suggest adding going out with friends, finding groups that do activities you enjoy, and other ways of connecting with people and having fun.

[Ashesanddust]

Yeah, being social is important. I've just been having a really hard time finding the motivation to do those things. Like the amount of effort it takes to put on a face and be ok around people is a lot. Especially when most of my friends don't understand it or are sick of hearing about it. But I'm just so fully wrapped up in it and was for so long. It's really hard to just move on. Like you said, typical affairs are already a lot to work through. Ones with all these extra layers are just so intense.

[ForeverDad]

Oftentimes we think the disordered ex needs therapy yet what about ourselves?  When we're feeling down, we can use some cheering up too, right?  That's one of the benefits of peer support.  We've "been there, experienced that".  We can commiserate and point other in positive directions.

So, while we in peer support are helpful, the fact is we are remote and to a certain extent anonymous too.  Another fact is that so many of our trusted friends and family are clueless about the depth of hurt we've experienced from a hurtful, perhaps even abusive, ex.

That's where seeking out an experienced counselor is so very beneficial.  Yes, we are not mentally imbalanced to the extent of being disordered, but all of us can use a helping hand now and then.

Sometimes we see therapy and counseling being mentioned interchangeably here.  Probably it doesn't matter in peer support scenarios.  Me?  I typically use the term "counselor" when referring to the aid we seek when times are tough, though when speaking of the persons with serious disorders (Borderline, Narcissism, Antisocial, etc) I generally use the term "therapist".

My point is that we all can benefit from counseling as needed.  Please do seek out local in-person counseling services.  If at first you don't find a good match, keep trying.  Keep seeking the positives.  You will never regret it.

[ForeverDad]

I am reminded of a few old proverbs:
"Wisdom belongs to those who seek advice" - Proverbs 13:10
"There is accomplishment through many advisers" - Proverbs 15:22

Another reality here is that many of us have had failing and failed relationships.  Hey, that's why we came here, right?  While sometimes there is a need to maintain a limited level of contact - such as in co-parenting when there are children - the typical outcome is that we cease future contact.  Not because we want to, but because we need to.

There is no benefit going back, rehashing everything and perhaps even starting the painful cycles of endless ups and downs.  Seeking some level of closure from the other typically fails, that's why it is usually best to Gift ourselves Closure and Move On.  We wish it weren't so but... Recovery is a process, not an event.

[CC43]

Hi Ashes,

You're not wrong to miss the good times.  You were in love.  Right now, you might wonder why and how you fell for him, but I'm fairly confident it was because he was amazing.  You see, he was captivating you, almost literally holding you captive.  He mirrored you, and he became everything you wanted him to be.  I think that's typical with pwBPD, who generally have an unstable sense of self.  They are so desperate for that intense connection, that they will practically abandon themselves to get it, at least at first.  They get wrapped up in the novelty of a relationship, and with the idealized version of you, as well as with the visions of a rosy future with you.  But it couldn't last for long, because he wasn't being true to himself, and because fantasy isn't reality.  The "real" person emerged once he felt secure in the relationship.  But while he was wooing you and mirroring you, it was fantastic.  I think you need to give yourself some grace, because the relationship was really good at first.

But here's the thing.  In your post, you noticed how the relationship became extremely one-sided.  He's really needy and demanding of you, but he provides little or nothing in return.  He expects you to be accountable, and yet he is free of any responsibility.  He's all take and no give.  Let me make some educated guesses here.  He demands attention, adoration, devotion and service.  He expects you to over-function for him, to do his bidding, maybe even pay for his stuff.  He demands your attention, all the time, especially when you have other commitments (like work), or when you're just trying to get some rest.  He tries to isolate you and prevent you from having any other friends.  He limits your access to your family.  He constantly surveils you--monitoring your phone, calling to ask about your whereabouts, asking a million questions about where you've been, who you've talked to and why.  He always assumes the worst of you, even when he has no reason to.  He tries to control you and micromanage you.  He seems to be constantly testing and questioning your loyalty.  He throws a tantrum if you're sick, talk about yourself, talk to another person or ask for help with a task.  He sabotages outings or gatherings that are supposed to be fun.  He weaponizes incompetence, sabotaging your day.  His attitude is overwhelmingly negative, and he takes it out on you.  He lies easily and accuses you of things you never did, consantly putting you on defense.  He blames you for all sorts of things; he's so persistent that you begin to doubt yourself.  He'll henpeck you incessantly, to try to get you to snap, and when you do, just a little, there's hell to pay.  Everything seems disproportionate with him.  He'll use his physical strength to intimidate you, to get you to do his bidding.  If he doesn't hit you, he'll yell ferociously, or get right up in your face, punch the wall, brandish some weapons, maybe even threaten to hurt himself.  Do I have that about right?  If I have even one or two things right, I think you'll see that the relationship isn't healthy for you.  You deserve better.  You're way better off on your own.   

Sure, it will take some time to get over this.  Take some time.  There's no clock on this.  The hope is that with some time, distance and perspective you'll start feeling like your "normal" self again.  I'd recommend spending time in nature, ideally moving (walking, hiking, biking, skiing, strolling on a beach, swimming in a lake, etc.).  The movement and nature might help get you out of your head, get some perspective and feel more grounded.  Or just take a walk around your neighborhood, and try to notice something unusual or joyful (a pretty wreath, ripening wild grapes, the sound of crunching leaves underfoot, the fresh smells after a rain, a toddler in a stroller who waves at you), and then write it down when you're done with your walk.  The act of noticing something remarkable is a simple exercise to be present in the moment.  I used to write these little remarkable things in a notebook, and it was fun to review them, because it took me back to the moment and made me smile, too. 

All the best to you.