Something inside me has me hesitating. I don’t actually wanna do it. Part of me wonders if I don’t really actually wanna cut ties because I’m still in love with the fantasy that was that relationship and this is the final goodbye. Don’t get me wrong. I am not getting back into this relationship. I just find myself wistfully missing my own ignorance. Another part of me wonders if I just feel guilty like this is all the way down to just emails. Why can’t I just do this for her? I suppose I still feel a sense of obligation and guilt. She is still suffering and texted these emails and her suffering is about me and my contact and isn’t there some way that I could answer or respond that would make her feel better? I realize that is delusional.
I think this is good insight to your own "co-dependent" - or "fixing" behaviors. On one hand you recognize this "pull" on you, and also at the same time, understand that you need to resist it, that you don't want to be doing it.
From the perspective of someone for whom this was "normal" in my FOO- I have these tendencies and have worked on them. I think it takes some time but the recognition and not doing them is progress. I think at one pont, jumping in to fix your ex-wife's emotional discomfort was automatic. Now, it's not.
The story of the hole in the sidewalk is a metaphor for this progress. It's been posted in several sources- I just picked one.
https://simpleandpractical.com/stages-change-poem/From my own experience, going completely NC with a person when there are shared family members with whom you do want or need contact with is not possible. Going NC with an ex- when there are no ties is suggested, but in your situation, the two of you are parents, so there's going to be some communication between the two of you.
While the relationship as it was, is no longer- there's still a "relationship" of some kind- as parents, and you have a boundary to limit contact to that role by email. Boundaries don't control the other person. They determine how we respond to when the boundary is stepped over. It's not possible to control what your stbx wife puts in an email. Your part is to decide on your actions.
What was suggested to me by a counselor was to not be reactive - to not jump in to "fix" but also to not react in the opposite direction. IMHO (I don't have experience with divorce but I think this is general advice when dealing with dysfunction) - to get the lawyers involved would be a reaction in the other direction and possibly add to the drama (and the expenses). To not react would be to not respond to the emotional content either way- don't try to fix, don't act on the offense- just keep your responses to be about the children. E-mails are documentation so best to keep correspondance emotionally neutral.
It's not possible to control what someone else thinks or feels emotionally. You can't "fix" your ex-wife's emotional discomfort and neither can you stop or control what she says. This may be a part of who she is, and likely a large aspect of the relationship dynamics between you. Just like it's been habitual to you to step in to "fix" and you are working on changing that for yourself, it's habitual for her to express her feelings to you. This may also be her focus, on her emotional discomfort- and how she relates to people who are, or have been close to her.
I think in time, as you aren't "fixing" now, or reacting, your ex-wife's behavior isn't being reinforced, and so may diminish over time. Or it may not- but you don't have to respond to it. While the emails bring up feelings now- sitting with them, being aware- but not reacting is progress.