Moved out and divorcing - doubting my version of reality

[Pluie]

Hi all,

As always, thanks for all the support I am receiving from the members of this board. I have a few updates since my last post.

I have contacted a different therapist, one specialised in cognitive-behavioural therapy. There is a waiting list, but I am eager to start.

I have accepted my friend's offer to stay longer at her place (at least until I find some stability). It is hard, as I feel extremely depleted and unable to focus on finding a better job. Two days ago, I packed and moved all my stuff away from the apartment my BPD/NPD husband and I used to share.

Something happened. Although I am a bit reluctant to share, I think it is better to just be open about it. I am not proud of this. While packing my stuff, I came across a journal he had started to write since my departure. I know it's not ethical, and I hope to explore this further once I start therapy...but I read it. What I found was way beyond what I could imagine. He referred to me as 'the burden he had to carry for 12 years'. He wrote that he didn't even know why he married me and stayed in the relationship for so long, as there is nothing good about me and I am an abuser. He wrote that he is looking forward to having sex with other people, falling in love again, moving to this new place, and finally being allowed to follow his dreams and ideals.

I was in shock and could do little more than cry and hyperventilate the whole day (luckily, I had taken a day off to focus on moving). How could he truly feel this way? Have I loved someone who has never loved me, who has never even been sure about why he asked me to marry him? Has all been a very long lie? I have my flaws, but god...'nothing good about me', for real?

I have spent the last weeks talking about this divorce, expressing my grief, my pain, the fact that I didn't want the divorce and that, even though his behaviour had taken a huge toll on my life, I still care, and I am even worried for him. I am heartbroken, but I thought I could at least cling to the idea that the love we shared was real, independently of the end of the marriage. Knowing that all this time all he could feel was happiness and relief to have me out of his life just...hurts like hell. I feel like I have lived in a different reality, and I cannot trust my own perceptions and feelings.

I know I have to make an effort, glue together what remains of my life, ask for help and go on, but it is such a devastating thing to know.