Timeline: ~15months since break-up and ~10months since "completely" ending it.
Between the break-up and "final end": I stabilized, regained sense of self. Stopped operating in survival mode.
She held a carrot during this time, promising to "own up" to the betrayal and validate my reality, hoping to try again for the relationship.
She eventually did write something up, but it still contained factually incorrect information continuing to hurt me and flare up the betrayal trauma. I had enough and said I don't want to try again which was the "final end".
After this, she removed my access to the betrayal admission/validation doc
... confirming it was never about helping me heal (though luckily I made a copy).
Thus all sympathy for her has been lost since the "final end".
The feelings were mostly of disgust towards her initially, but then I started to feel a growing undercurrent of hate that continues to this day.
Reason being, is that we share a community through our passion. After the "final end" she started becoming more and more involved, making friends with my friends in the community and showing up much more than before.
This hobby is incredibly important to me and something I've been into most of my life, where all my friends are.
It's something I can't stop doing, and the social aspects of it also contribute to my well being.
However, it's soooo incredibly annoying that my abuser and someone I think is just unsafe/manipulative overall has become so entrenched in my community.
And there's nothing I can really do about it besides just trying to erase her from my vision.
Sharing spaces couple times a week I continue to be reminded of the suffering endured, but it seems to be the price I have to pay to do the thing I love with the people I love...
There's only a couple folks who know who she really is.
Feels unfair, and tempting imagining the nuclear option of publicizing it all
Related to publicizing: one of the scariest realizations for me was that the confusing wild/false accusations over text during the relationship were potentially a back-up paper trail as evidence of being the victim all along... shivers.
I know not all pwBPD are intentionally this evil, but I genuinely think she is. Especially when feeling 'hurt'... things get reeeeallly manipulative. As another example: a few months after the "final end" I found out she moved to the apartment building next to mine! WTF!
If you haven't been in the belly of this beast you wouldn't believe people can be like this. I couldn't at first, which is why I was stuck in it so long.
But that's again why it's tough to share community with this person. Nobody really sees or suspects any of this, but maybe time will surface it all eventually.
I also wonder if the ongoing 'hatred/disgust' means I am still not fully detached?
I haven't really 'hated' someone in my life before in this way. But it feels... justified. Maybe protective as well which is why I don't let go of it?
