I slept with my expwbpd last night.

[Ashesanddust]

We broke up about 2 months ago. Things have been volatile. We have been no contact off and on but there will be nights where he calls a hundred times and he begs for me to help him and it breaks my heart. Sometimes, I can remain strong. Sometimes, I cannot. We had broken no contact a couple days ago and had been talking a bit. Sometimes very hurtful and obviously splitting. Sometimes very kind, gentle and understanding. Last night, he wasn't responding and he hadn't read my texts either. I started getting worried. He had been very suicidal, I had an extra bad feeling in my gut and i feared the worst so I went to check on him. He had another ex over. He had just been kissing her. I was not surprised but my emotions got the best of me and I lost it. He had told me that I was the love of his life and that he would never want to be with anyone else. Of course, I didn't believe that part but I didn't think it would be so soon and with someone he claimed to have never really loved.
Fighting ensued. She slinked off into the night and he and I went round after round. I am ashamed. My cptsd kicked in and my fight or flight exploded. About 3 hours in, we kissed. And kept kissing. I couldn't stop, I wanted more. But then, instantly, fighting again. He slammed his head into the wall, it terrified me. I finally got him to calm down a bit and it was so late that he told me I could stay. I was so tired so I did. We started fighting again. I had a horrible panic attack but this time, he helped me through it. He held me and cupped my face and breathed with me. We went to lay down and he kissed me again. And before we knew it, we were being intimate. It was amazing. Fireworks. After, he asked me if that meant I was going to be with him. I told him I still wasn't ready to live together but that if he could be patient with me, take it slow, get help, rebuild the trust that had been broken, repair the damage that had been done, I would consider it. I had no intention of a hook up happening. It was unexpected and we both initiated it but he said he felt used. I was sad too but i tried to comfort him. He begged me again in the morning and I told him I couldn't be with him as things stand. I know I shouldn't have done it. I know that it only complicated things. He wants to keep trying but is convinced the only way we can be together is if i live with him. I do want to be with him. I do love him.  I do miss him dearly. But it's his lack of compassion and respect for me and the lack of personal control and willingness to do something real about it that makes me more than wary. I could not jump into living with him right now after everything we've gone through. I am feeling so mixed up about it all. I know it's a crazy situation. So dramatic. Feels like something out of a cw show. I know things would never be anywhere near stable without him in therapy. It's also hard because a different ex who is a very close friend of his and thinks I'm crazy helped him get medicine and he listened to her. He and I had talked about that many times and he never did. It feels like a slap in the face. I feel crazy for letting myself get wrapped up in it. I feel crazy for wanting to run back into his arms. I don't know what to do.

[Ashesanddust]

I feel so weak for breaking NC in the first place. I feel so insane for letting myself be so affected. I should have just left.
Am i just that messed up after being in this relationship that I have zero self esteem? This is a man who is incredibly unwell and has said and done unforgivable things to me yet I let him be intimate with me again. I know my own issues around trauma, abuse and assault have always resulted in hypersexuality and a deep need for validation and connection but I honestly cannot believe my actions.