Relief, rupture, and rebuilding in the first 30 days

[Mutt]

When we first separated, I do remember feeling strangely relieved the first week.

Not because I didn’t care-but because I didn’t have to tiptoe around anymore. There was this weird sense of “I can finally breathe.”

Then reality set in.

The house was nearly bare. My ex had taken most of the furniture. The kids weren’t there. I remember my brother-in-law coming over and just noticing how bare everything was.

One time I said this: “I feel like a piece of glass that’s just been walked on. I’m shattered into a million pieces.”

I’ve lived through a lot in my life, but this was different. It shook me. It made me wobbly. It made me feel uncertain in a way I never had been before.

A couple of weeks later, after having moved into a smaller apartment, the panic attacks began. Not just sadness-but actual fight-or-flight. I’d have to go outside just to calm down.

Looking back, I don’t think it was just the sadness. It was like my nervous system was trying to readjust after all that stress and then suddenly being cut off.

What finally changed for me was when I realized that nobody was going to come in and fix this for me. I had to rely on my own resources-my own ability to think clearly, to problem-solve, to rebuild structure.

I’m interested in hearing from others:

Did your first 30 days feel more like relief… or rupture?
Did anyone else experience panic attacks instead of just sadness?
And what did you do to start rebuilding?

[Me88]

Greatly said. And yes, it was strange relief but also a strange feeling of being lost. Who am I without all of this chaos? I don’t know what to do. The home is quiet. The good times that actually did exist were no more. Absolutely had panic attacks, could feel my heart flutter at times.  Literally felt dizzy and scared. Sadly even a year out I sometimes still feel this way. I’ve never had anxiety but I’m adjusting and realizing I literally have every ounce of myself to that relationship. BPD relationships take everything from you, because you allowed it. Being codependent and a fixer really messed me up.

[Pook075]

My first 30 days were very similar- I told my wife to go if that's what she wanted.  And the next day, she mentioned that we'd been together for 23 years and we'd be throwing that away.  But I stayed stone-faced; if that's what you want, then that's what you should do.  I never wanted that but like you, I was so tired of being neglected and used as the scapegoat for everything.

I can't remember when that started to change- day 5 maybe?  It broke me to the core once I realized that in her mind, it was actually over and there was nothing else to discuss.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and I realize now why she felt that way, but at the time I figured that this was another one of those self-sabotage things that would last a few days and then we'd focus on making the marriage stronger.

I fought for my marriage for maybe six-nine months, and I couldn't start rebuilding because I was buried in family debt and living in our family home.  Our bills were over $6k a month and without my wife contributing, I was taking on extra work and barely eating because I couldn't afford groceries.  She refused to communicate as well so it's not like we were talking about this stuff.  So my "rebuild" process didn't really happen for almost two years, after the divorce and selling the home.

[Under The Bridge]

When I finally decided I'd had enough after her worst outburst, I stayed away from our usual haunt for a couple of months so that I wouldnt be tempted to re-engage - though I knew this time was different and I really was never chasing her again.

It actually came as a huge relief over those couple of months because, though I missed the few good times we'd had, it felt great not be out with her and waiting for the inevitable rage burst to come. I went out with my lifelong friends and it did me good to have normality again.

I adjusted pretty quickly into life without her and the constant living on a razor's edge of emotional turmoil. You simply reach a point where you suddenly 'wake up' and see the bad far outweighs the good and you don't want a lifetime of that. You no longer think 'I'll give them another chance' you just want out.

[PeteWitsend]

...
Did your first 30 days feel more like relief… or rupture?
Did anyone else experience panic attacks instead of just sadness?
And what did you do to start rebuilding?

I was of two minds; the first was sadness and grief over leaving "the family"... I moved out and got my own place while I filed for divorce.  Even though I was only 1 mile away, it still felt bad, leaving the place where I was happy with my daughter, where I put her to bed every night, etc. and all the happy memories with her.  That was the only hard part. 

My second mind was great relief; actually even more than that: joy.  I felt like I had my life back and could do whatever I wanted, without having to worry about how BPDxw would feel about it, and what she would do and say.  And I could plan for the future without worrying about how she could affect that. 

I didn't have a lot of stuff when I moved out.  I took the guest bed, my clothes, a few boxes of personal possessions.  I did take my desk and chair and all my books, movies, CDs, records, etc.  (there was actually a lot of that).  But I had no kitchen stuff, no couch, no dresser, no TV, etc.

I moved myself out in a few hours one afternoon, with a rental truck.  But when I got everything out of the truck and closed the door to my new place behind me, I felt like I was born again.  It was a good feeling. 

That evening, I sat on a folding chair, drank some whiskey, and listened to some old records, and it felt bittersweet, but was also a relief: no one was there to complain about the music.  No one was there to second guess song lyrics and get angry and consider them a referendum for why I wasn't  a faithful husband, or love my wife enough, or whatever baggage she wanted to drag out.  She had no control over me anymore, and had no say in what I did, who I saw, what I wanted, etc. and it felt amazing. 

I truly despised her for how she behaved toward me & toward some of my family members.  I think there was more of a mean streak in her than in the typical BPD case, and so I didn't look back on any memories with her and feel sad. 

The only rebuilding I had to do was to forge a new path forward with my daughter.  To the extent I felt bad about leaving the home with my daughter there, I reassured myself that I'd always be there for her; I wouldn't skip days I had possession.  I'd be able to spend time with her without my awful XW there, picking fights & just generally casting a pall over anything, or threatening to.  We could enjoy our time together.  And we have.  She's older now and has told me she would prefer to live with me full time (she doesn't like the fighting at her mom's house), and so there's that.  In the immediate moments after the divorce, it did feel bad; I wondered how she was coping, and what my STBXW was doing and saying about me and about the situation... but I knew time would pass, and it would work out. 

You just have to remember that: time passes, things change.  Sometimes they get better, and sometimes they get worse.  But they do change, and you adapt.