Seeking advice: If only there was a safety playbook, especially in complex cases

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The last time I posted here was back in August - I had initiated a separation after my husband spoiled a major milestone for me. He accepted his diagnosis, got into therapy (finally consistently after at least 3 prior abandoned attempts), and mostly respected my boundaries. However, it should have been a sign to me when he moved back into our master bedroom while I was traveling (about 3 months later), without asking for my consent first.

He was on his best behavior, working hard, employing his DBT skills, remaining calm (while I realized that I was still carrying resentment and was snappier than I am proud of), and... I should have known... focusing all his attention on an upcoming lavish vacation that we would take together for almost 6 weeks. During the vacation, he was mostly great. I attribute this to the fact that he got to live what is essentially his dream life (driving high-end cars, smoking good quality cannabis every day, spending money like it was water, not worrying about work, and exploring new and interesting places with me - a way we've often connected in the past).

The moment we returned home, to the foreign country where we live, it all went to _____ again. I knew that it would. I knew that even with years of intensive therapy with the right therapist and a true commitment to change, pwBPD will still have splits and the idealization/devaluation phase. I wanted to see if the tools I had built up for preserving my own mental health during our separation were strong enough to survive until the split was over - relatively unscathed.

My tools were not enough. Because what I also hadn't realized was that he'd been slowly gaining legal and financial control over my life, pushing me into making decisions I normally woulnd't make or subversively not allowing me to pursue something I am really excited about because it takes my attention away from him. I have found this last bit to be the nail in the coffin for me. You can call me a million horrible names, and I can walk away or put on my noise canceling heaphones. But once you sabotage my business (in a way that's even sabotaging your own because you are so afraid of seeing me so excited), a red line has been crossed.

He made it about the fact that I took the separation - that I "bailed on the marriage" by taking the separation to try and finally break the cycle. It became clear to me that the only way this relationship will work is if I apologize profusely for taking the break (which I needed to try and heal from years of protracted emotional and verbal abuse) and give up my boundaries. To give up the last of my power.

So I've decided it's finally time to leave. And I really, really could use your advice.

We are two foreigners living in a foreign country. We got married in my home country, but don't reside there, and we never registered our marriage in our country of residence (where it turns out you need to get divorced). It turns out that I can say I intend to reside in Washington State (I could - I was born there and have friends there), and if I can get him to sign the papers where we fill out that we've come to an equal and fair agreement about how to divide our assets, I can submit online and the judge will grant the divorce after a 90-day cooling off period (luckily for me - he's not much of a researcher, so I doubt he'd even look into the cooling off period). I believe he would leave all of my US accounts alone - which would be in his best interest, or else he'll have to take on the credit card debt as well.

The other issue is that, in order for me to legally work in this country, I had to give up the shares in his company and become his employee. ALL of our assets here - most of which I paid for, except the office he built for himself - are owned under the company (because of the complicated foreign ownership rules in this country).

I've been told by multiple experts that I have no leg to stand on - I will just have to come to some sort of good faith agreement with him where he won't cancel my working visa (if he does, I fortunately have other options) and where he'll ideally buy me out of our house and the land that I bought (and potentially the future proceeds he'll get from subleasing it or selling it)... and I need to figure out a way how to do this without him simply saying no. It would be nice if he also paid me some additional money, given that I spent ALL of my money on supporting us (and the wedding) for the first four years of our relationship, but I'm not holding my breath. The one thing I have going in my favor is that he has a huge ego around his "principles" and "fairness" - so if I can somehow make a case that makes it seem like the fair thing to do, that it would make him look good to other people, he might go for it.

Does anyone know about any mediators who work internationally and aren't tied to the legal system? Maybe more like a coach or a therapist?

But my biggest concern and downright fear is finally having the difficult conversation to tell him it's over for real this time. I've read about and heard too many stories where a BPD partner was never violent... until they heard it was over.

So I'm plotting my escape. We live on a tiny island without cars, and I have WAY too much stuff. Plus we have cats - and you have to go through a complicated admin process moving them around in this country. I am planning to move to a much bigger island (which he hates), and, in fact, I've already found a place that I can move into on July 15. In the meantime, I am out of the house on a work trip. When I return, I will have 2 weeks to finish my work assignment... and then two weeks to somehow tell him and also safely pack up my stuff. My stuff isn't just stuff - it's stuff for my livelihood, family heirlooms, and my over-the-top collection of clothing that I wish I wasn't so attached to.

So how do I do this to minimize the risk of violence, pleading, rage, following me from room to room (we don't have locks)? He will notice when I start packing, but I can't imagine spending two weeks in the house with him once the process starts. I have asked some friends if they'd be willing to come "help" - but really be witnesses. They've agreed.

But also, I need to tell him because I need him to agree to the asset split (if he actually will give me anything) and agree to the divorce.

It's such a mess. Even though I understand how complex and time-consuming it can be in other countries, I desperately wish we lived in the US, where at least there are things like lawyers who can negotiate on your behalf or restraining orders or common law property states or numbers you can call if you're afraid for your life. There aren't even police stationed on the island where we live.

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated - especially about the order of events in which I should safely do this with the best outcome.

Thank you!

[MindfulBreath]

The last time I posted here was back in August - I had initiated a separation after my husband spoiled a major milestone for me. He accepted his diagnosis, got into therapy (finally consistently after at least 3 prior abandoned attempts), and mostly respected my boundaries. However, it should have been a sign to me when he moved back into our master bedroom while I was traveling (about 3 months later), without asking for my consent first.

He was on his best behavior, working hard, employing his DBT skills, remaining calm (while I realized that I was still carrying resentment and was snappier than I am proud of), and... I should have known... focusing all his attention on an upcoming lavish vacation that we would take together for almost 6 weeks. During the vacation, he was mostly great. I attribute this to the fact that he got to live what is essentially his dream life (driving high-end cars, smoking good quality cannabis every day, spending money like it was water, not worrying about work, and exploring new and interesting places with me - a way we've often connected in the past).

The moment we returned home, to the foreign country where we live, it all went to _____ again. I knew that it would. I knew that even with years of intensive therapy with the right therapist and a true commitment to change, pwBPD will still have splits and the idealization/devaluation phase. I wanted to see if the tools I had built up for preserving my own mental health during our separation were strong enough to survive until the split was over - relatively unscathed.

My tools were not enough. Because what I also hadn't realized was that he'd been slowly gaining legal and financial control over my life, pushing me into making decisions I normally woulnd't make or subversively not allowing me to pursue something I am really excited about because it takes my attention away from him. I have found this last bit to be the nail in the coffin for me. You can call me a million horrible names, and I can walk away or put on my noise canceling heaphones. But once you sabotage my business (in a way that's even sabotaging your own because you are so afraid of seeing me so excited), a red line has been crossed.

He made it about the fact that I took the separation - that I "bailed on the marriage" by taking the separation to try and finally break the cycle. It became clear to me that the only way this relationship will work is if I apologize profusely for taking the break (which I needed to try and heal from years of protracted emotional and verbal abuse) and give up my boundaries. To give up the last of my power.

So I've decided it's finally time to leave. And I really, really could use your advice.

We are two foreigners living in a foreign country. We got married in my home country, but don't reside there, and we never registered our marriage in our country of residence (where it turns out you need to get divorced). It turns out that I can say I intend to reside in Washington State (I could - I was born there and have friends there), and if I can get him to sign the papers where we fill out that we've come to an equal and fair agreement about how to divide our assets, I can submit online and the judge will grant the divorce after a 90-day cooling off period (luckily for me - he's not much of a researcher, so I doubt he'd even look into the cooling off period). I believe he would leave all of my US accounts alone - which would be in his best interest, or else he'll have to take on the credit card debt as well.

The other issue is that, in order for me to legally work in this country, I had to give up the shares in his company and become his employee. ALL of our assets here - most of which I paid for, except the office he built for himself - are owned under the company (because of the complicated foreign ownership rules in this country).

I've been told by multiple experts that I have no leg to stand on - I will just have to come to some sort of good faith agreement with him where he won't cancel my working visa (if he does, I fortunately have other options) and where he'll ideally buy me out of our house and the land that I bought (and potentially the future proceeds he'll get from subleasing it or selling it)... and I need to figure out a way how to do this without him simply saying no. It would be nice if he also paid me some additional money, given that I spent ALL of my money on supporting us (and the wedding) for the first four years of our relationship, but I'm not holding my breath. The one thing I have going in my favor is that he has a huge ego around his "principles" and "fairness" - so if I can somehow make a case that makes it seem like the fair thing to do, that it would make him look good to other people, he might go for it.

Does anyone know about any mediators who work internationally and aren't tied to the legal system? Maybe more like a coach or a therapist?

But my biggest concern and downright fear is finally having the difficult conversation to tell him it's over for real this time. I've read about and heard too many stories where a BPD partner was never violent... until they heard it was over.

So I'm plotting my escape. We live on a tiny island without cars, and I have WAY too much stuff. Plus we have cats - and you have to go through a complicated admin process moving them around in this country. I am planning to move to a much bigger island (which he hates), and, in fact, I've already found a place that I can move into on July 15. In the meantime, I am out of the house on a work trip. When I return, I will have 2 weeks to finish my work assignment... and then two weeks to somehow tell him and also safely pack up my stuff. My stuff isn't just stuff - it's stuff for my livelihood, family heirlooms, and my over-the-top collection of clothing that I wish I wasn't so attached to.

So how do I do this to minimize the risk of violence, pleading, rage, following me from room to room (we don't have locks)? He will notice when I start packing, but I can't imagine spending two weeks in the house with him once the process starts. I have asked some friends if they'd be willing to come "help" - but really be witnesses. They've agreed.

But also, I need to tell him because I need him to agree to the asset split (if he actually will give me anything) and agree to the divorce.

It's such a mess. Even though I understand how complex and time-consuming it can be in other countries, I desperately wish we lived in the US, where at least there are things like lawyers who can negotiate on your behalf or restraining orders or common law property states or numbers you can call if you're afraid for your life. There aren't even police stationed on the island where we live.

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated - especially about the order of events in which I should safely do this with the best outcome.

Thank you!

[PeteWitsend]

Wow, yours is a complicated situation. 

Not sure what the legal system is like where you live, but my first thought would be to pay for a brief legal opinion on your situation from  a local attorney, and the likely outcome if he doesn't cooperate. 

It's most helpful to know what the "default" outcome would be; that gives you a baseline from which to negotiate.  the pwBPD will likely make all sorts of bluffs and threats about what they'll do and what will happen to you in divorce, but if you already know what you're likely to end up with under the local legal code or family law statute, you don't have to worry about their threats.  And maybe if the default is not that bad, you can decide to just accept it for the sake of getting it over with quicker.  You can also ask the local counsel how to handle the safety & move out issues: whether they can send police over to moderate the move out and packing of your stuff, or if you can hire private security for the same purpose. 

That issue with cats... I don't know.  Is he also attached to them?  Would he try to use them as leverage over you?  Maybe downplay that until later in the process so he doesn't use it against you.  Be glad you don't have kids with him!  That would make this even more complicated. 

I may also pay for a legal opinion from an attorney in the States, as to whether he could access any of your assets in the U.S. or how he would go about that if you moved money or joint property to U.S. banks.

A couple other thoughts:

In terms of personal protection:

- get familiar with your phone's record button.  Practice turning the sound off so you can silently record him if it comes down to a domestic violence incident, or him issuing threats or something like that.  You don't want the phone to beep when you hit record. 

- don't put yourself in any vulnerable situations, but don't let fear of what he might do stop you from moving forward if that's your decision.  Don't give him more power than he has already.  You may have to take some personal risks if you're ending this, but you can minimize them.  Have other friends around, or security.  Avoid areas you know he'll go.  If he starts showing up unexpectedly, following you, etc. be quick to report him. 

- My thoughts are that if you've let other third parties know about the situation, and maybe have involved the local authorities/police in patrolling your move out, he'd be less likely to resort to violence knowing  he'd be already on their radar if/when he lashed out.  He'd be the primary suspect if something happened to you. 

Preserving possessions - I had issues with my then-wife throwing out my things, and threatening to toss a couple boxes of family heirlooms I had.  There was nothing super valuable, but a lot of it was irreplaceable.  I rented a storage locker nearby and moved this stuff in there when my ex- wasn't around, and let my brother know where it was if something happened to me.  In the event, BPDxw never noticed it was gone, and never found out about the storage locker.  I also paid cash for the monthly rental fees, so there was no record of it in our credit card statements, and had any paperwork sent to my office, not my house. 

If there aren't storage lockers you can rent where you live, perhaps you could gradually ship some of your stuff back to the U.S.?  get creative; tell him you need photos restored and ship them to a friend here.  Hide or move other stuff out gradually so he doesn't notice. 

- Keep in mind he might not go "scorched earth" in the end, and so things you're afraid he'll destroy might not be an issue. I found that the inherent laziness of the pwBPD was a natural barrier to them doing some of the stuff they threaten to do.

- On the advice of an attorney, I opened a separate bank account, also on the DL, and kept enough cash in there to live on and rent a hotel for a week or so if needed.  I had the account records, statements, etc. sent to my office.  I did this so I'd have access to cash in the event she tried to loot our accounts to keep me from filing for divorce (something she had threatened to do, and in the event, did indeed try to do after we agreed our marriage was over).  As my attorney said, "you're not hiding the money; you will disclose the account at trial, but you're keeping it there for safekeeping."

- Planning all this out may also be therapeutic.  I found it helped me stay sane when fights at home were really bad (I had an exit plan).  If you feel overwhelmed, break it into smaller steps.