Moving on with new partner

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My marriage broke up just over 2 years ago. I met someone around 3 months after the breakup, and there was instant chemistry.
However, as my relationship with my wife was 27 years long, both of us knew that jumping into a relationship was a big no go, but after a couple of months it was fairly evident that something would probably happen although neither of us said anything.

14 months later we got together. We have now been together for 9 months. We have our own lives, we both have two children, we both live in separate houses with the youngest of each children respectively. I have 3 dogs, she is scared of dogs so doesn’t come over, so I go over to see her., We don’t see each other every day.

We have not argued once. We both love and respect each other. She is happy, kind, caring. She says our relationship is easy, no stress, no drama, because I am so laid back and chilled. She has been in several relationships where she has felt controlled, and one relationship with someone that told her was diagnosed bpd and created drama. She is easy to talk to about anything and I don’t have to tread on eggshells like my previous relationship.

Now, because I was in the relationship for 27 years with my wife, who I believe has bpd although undiagnosed, I am used to the idealisation. I’m used to the constant phone calls, the constant texts (to give you some idea, she was discussing coming back home but said I hadn’t messaged her enough one evening, yet I counted over 120 texts between us) and the love bombing. Throughout our relationship I would like to think that I was emotionally stable (although she would say emotionally inept because I am not an over emotional wetwipe) and secure in myself and my relationship.

However now I am struggling a little bit with, I don’t know, whether it’s a fear of abandonment or just trying to adjust to a normal relationship. Because it isn’t as intense, there is no constant barrage of texts, and my gf is happy for me to have my own interests and hobbies, I can go and see my friends whenever I want, whereas with my wife I couldn’t even leave her to go to work without being given a guilt trip. My gf does however have a tendency to withdraw, as she has got a few family issues, her daughter has left to go travelling for a year and such like, so sometimes I will message her and not hear from her for hours as she has got things going around in her head that bothers her, but she assures me everything between us is ok, but because of my previous relationship dynamic, it worries me a little.

So I guess I’m wondering, those of you that have got into relationships after one with a bpd partner. Have you felt a fear of abandonment, or any other issues. Has some of the negative traits of the pwBPD rubbed off on you. Have you found it strange, adjusting to what seems like a normal healthy relationship from the rollercoaster ride you were used to.

[Rowdy]

My marriage broke up just over 2 years ago. I met someone around 3 months after the breakup, and there was instant chemistry.
However, as my relationship with my wife was 27 years long, both of us knew that jumping into a relationship was a big no go, but after a couple of months it was fairly evident that something would probably happen although neither of us said anything.

14 months later we got together. We have now been together for 9 months. We have our own lives, we both have two children, we both live in separate houses with the youngest of each children respectively. I have 3 dogs, she is scared of dogs so doesn’t come over, so I go over to see her., We don’t see each other every day.

We have not argued once. We both love and respect each other. She is happy, kind, caring. She says our relationship is easy, no stress, no drama, because I am so laid back and chilled. She has been in several relationships where she has felt controlled, and one relationship with someone that told her was diagnosed bpd and created drama. She is easy to talk to about anything and I don’t have to tread on eggshells like my previous relationship.

Now, because I was in the relationship for 27 years with my wife, who I believe has bpd although undiagnosed, I am used to the idealisation. I’m used to the constant phone calls, the constant texts (to give you some idea, she was discussing coming back home but said I hadn’t messaged her enough one evening, yet I counted over 120 texts between us) and the love bombing. Throughout our relationship I would like to think that I was emotionally stable (although she would say emotionally inept because I am not an over emotional wetwipe) and secure in myself and my relationship.

However now I am struggling a little bit with, I don’t know, whether it’s a fear of abandonment or just trying to adjust to a normal relationship. Because it isn’t as intense, there is no constant barrage of texts, and my gf is happy for me to have my own interests and hobbies, I can go and see my friends whenever I want, whereas with my wife I couldn’t even leave her to go to work without being given a guilt trip. My gf does however have a tendency to withdraw, as she has got a few family issues, her daughter has left to go travelling for a year and such like, so sometimes I will message her and not hear from her for hours as she has got things going around in her head that bothers her, but she assures me everything between us is ok, but because of my previous relationship dynamic, it worries me a little.

So I guess I’m wondering, those of you that have got into relationships after one with a bpd partner. Have you felt a fear of abandonment, or any other issues. Has some of the negative traits of the pwBPD rubbed off on you. Have you found it strange, adjusting to what seems like a normal healthy relationship from the rollercoaster ride you were used to.

[Under The Bridge]

We have not argued once. We both love and respect each other. She is happy, kind, caring. She says our relationship is easy, no stress, no drama, because I am so laid back and chilled. She has been in several relationships where she has felt controlled, and one relationship with someone that told her was diagnosed bpd and created drama. She is easy to talk to about anything and I don’t have to tread on eggshells like my previous relationship.

It's fantastic that you've found such a relationship. Don't try to analyse it - just enjoy it. Remember BPD is all about thinking in patterns which invariably lead to conflict, so don't become like that and start worrying that the happiness won't last or that you'll do something wrong.

I actually think it's great you both have your own place because as well as needing our partner, we also need our own space, no matter how small. Based on my own experiences, I'd never live with someone 24/7 again, we'd both have to have our own 'havens' and I think it does the relationship good and makes us more happy to see our partner when we see them.

Be happy and enjoy this total, wonderful change in your life!

[Rowdy]

Thanks under the bridge, you are right.

I guess it’s something that I just need to adjust to.
The “yes you can go to the pub with your mates”

If my wife said that to me, I knew something was wrong.
Even “go and have a bath” signalled the end of our marriage, and that isn’t right when such an innocent comment or suggestion makes you suspect something is amiss in your marriage.

[Under The Bridge]

The “yes you can go to the pub with your mates”

Will be great to tell your new partner that you had a good time with your friends and she's happy for you - a massive difference without the BPD interrogation, accusations of cheating and total meltdown that you'd normally get. Nice to be able to do things for your partner without them looking for a bad motive.  I stopped telling my ex whenever I was out with friends as I knew it would trigger her. Actually, near the end, I stopped telling her anything.

We all come out of a BPD relationship carrying scars and trust is hard for us to start up again, but we can do it; remember we weren't the ill ones.

.. just remember to never forget her birthday, anniversary of the day you both met and stuff like that.. even the most wonderful partner will get the hump .

[HoratioX]

After I ended it with my GF, who had BPD/C-PTSD/anxiety, depending on which therapist was consulted, I had to take a break. I generally think it's a bad idea to leap into another relationship anyway, but especially so after her.

Something someone with BPD, etc., seems to know on an instinctive level is how addicting their behavior is. That's part of the love bombing and incredible sex. Whether intended or not, it can hook us in, as we're flooded with feel good chemicals, not to mention the general boost to feelings and self esteem. I can't honestly say my relationship with her was more intense than some others in the past, but the intensity was different. When things were good, the constant attention and physicality were unmatched, at least in terms of their duration. Once that tap was cut off, the opposite was true.

Expecting that from someone healthy and balanced is too much. Yes, any romantic relationship can have those moments, but the frequency is different. And there's usually some kind of catalyst. With someone with BPD, etc., it's a part of the cycling. You don't really have to do anything but be in the right place at the right time. If you think a romantic partner is simply going to throw herself at you all the time in the same way, that's not realistic. If it happens, you're lucky, and I don't mean that in a demeaning way. I just mean enough beneficial things occur to make it happen. That usually requires some contribution to it.

So, to me, you have to wait until the chemicals are out of your body and mentally, you're in a space where you're not expecting to replicate them.
It's no different than if someone who is recovering drug or alcohol addict thinks a few days or weeks after recovery they can just rush off to the next big party. They need to wait to make sure they're grounded.

[Me88]

After I ended it with my GF, who had BPD/C-PTSD/anxiety, depending on which therapist was consulted, I had to take a break. I generally think it's a bad idea to leap into another relationship anyway, but especially so after her.

Something someone with BPD, etc., seems to know on an instinctive level is how addicting their behavior is. That's part of the love bombing and incredible sex. Whether intended or not, it can hook us in, as we're flooded with feel good chemicals, not to mention the general boost to feelings and self esteem. I can't honestly say my relationship with her was more intense than some others in the past, but the intensity was different. When things were good, the constant attention and physicality were unmatched, at least in terms of their duration. Once that tap was cut off, the opposite was true.

Expecting that from someone healthy and balanced is too much. Yes, any romantic relationship can have those moments, but the frequency is different. And there's usually some kind of catalyst. With someone with BPD, etc., it's a part of the cycling. You don't really have to do anything but be in the right place at the right time. If you think a romantic partner is simply going to throw herself at you all the time in the same way, that's not realistic. If it happens, you're lucky, and I don't mean that in a demeaning way. I just mean enough beneficial things occur to make it happen. That usually requires some contribution to it.

So, to me, you have to wait until the chemicals are out of your body and mentally, you're in a space where you're not expecting to replicate them.
It's no different than if someone who is recovering drug or alcohol addict thinks a few days or weeks after recovery they can just rush off to the next big party. They need to wait to make sure they're grounded.

same here. My ex had bpd/depression/adhd/anxiety. Psychologist/Psychiatrist. In 3 days it will be an entire year since the end. While I am in a much better head space, I cannot even imagine going on a date with anyone, or even trust them sadly. I have a lot of self improvement to do in regards to how I choose my partners. I also don't trust myself yet. And yes the rush of feel good chemicals is unmatched by anything I've experienced. The bad times are soul crushing. I need to make myself realize that that isn't normal. We all have our own timeline.

[Rowdy]

Oh definitely. Within months of breaking up with my wife, because she had jumped straight into a relationship she kept on at me to go on a dating site. She even tried convincing me to destroy someone’s marriage, all manipulation to make her feel better for what she was doing.

So, 3 months after the split I joined a dating site. The most attractive woman I saw on there actually contacted me, and we arranged to go on a date. My ex knew about it, and that day asked me if she was prettier than her, if she was slimmer than her. That night, I was driving back home from the date, and I had missed calls and texts from my ex. She had asked our son to go and pick her up, she was drunk, so she could sit with our dogs while I was out for the night. When I arrived home gone midnight, she was in my kitchen having a screaming row with our son. She then turned on me, punching me repeatedly, dragging her nails down my face, and tried to strangle me. I could have knocked her out, but just took it until my son came over, because this was going on in front of him, and he picked her up and carried her away.

What carried on was 3hrs of mental torture and abuse. My wife’s sister and our eldest son came round because our son that was there called them. She calmed down a little, but decided to go upstairs and get in my bed. I sat downstairs talking with our son for half hour or so, then went upstairs and got in bed in the spare room. My ex then came into the room and sat on the bed, and started carrying on as if she was having a panic attack, but I just tried ignoring it. Because I ignored her she then put me through the worst mental torment I have ever experienced in my life and absolutely broke me. I was a wreck. I never want to experience anything like that in my life ever again. Our son witnessed this too and it made him extremely distressed.

I got out of bed and left my house, went to sleep on my sons couch up the road. She continued to message me through the morning, hinting at suicide if I didn’t go back and talk to her.
I was an emotional mess, she manipulated me into sleeping with her.

So yes, absolutely don’t jump into a relationship, I know that.
And that is why I took well over a year before stepping into this relationship, and I feel I have been mentally ready for it.
However, after 9 months together I have fallen quite hard for my new girlfriend. We both have. And I guess it is that new intensity in the relationship, and the feeling that I really don’t want to lose her, is what has let a little bit of the fear of abandonment creep in. I just wondered if this is quite common for people in our situation.

[Me88]

"So yes, absolutely don’t jump into a relationship, I know that.
And that is why I took well over a year before stepping into this relationship, and I feel I have been mentally ready for it.
However, after 9 months together I have fallen quite hard for my new girlfriend. We both have. And I guess it is that new intensity in the relationship, and the feeling that I really don’t want to lose her, is what has let a little bit of the fear of abandonment creep in. I just wondered if this is quite common for people in our situation."

I'd say it is normal for anyone really. Falling in love with someone, truly, feels great. I love being in love, when reciprocated. You have to remember you went through something most people cannot comprehend. These relationships are NOT normal. You never knew what to expect and at times BPD relationships are 'normal'. I know for me, when I'm ready I'm going to be very scared, and wonder if I'm repeating a pattern. You just have to make sure you don't start caretaking or being a rescuer too often. Lots of us have that personality. After such betrayal from our exes, it's probably expected to fear it all might crash down, then again feel guilt or wonder if it's all us.

[PeteWitsend]

...

However now I am struggling a little bit with, I don’t know, whether it’s a fear of abandonment or just trying to adjust to a normal relationship. Because it isn’t as intense, there is no constant barrage of texts, and my gf is happy for me to have my own interests and hobbies, I can go and see my friends whenever I want, whereas with my wife I couldn’t even leave her to go to work without being given a guilt trip. My gf does however have a tendency to withdraw, as she has got a few family issues, her daughter has left to go travelling for a year and such like, so sometimes I will message her and not hear from her for hours as she has got things going around in her head that bothers her, but she assures me everything between us is ok, but because of my previous relationship dynamic, it worries me a little. ...

It seems like most couples I know who have healthy relationships, or at least "normal" relationships i.e. where a personality disorder is not present, either discuss expectations of responsiveness up front, or just handle things as they come without getting upset.  Something like "I expect at least a text message every day to say 'Hi' and check in."  I think that's okay.  Or if they haven't discussed expectations, but have some concerns, they discuss why someone didn't call, or what the concern was, and then either get an apology or explanation of why they were absent.  And then they're back on good terms  - i.e. no endless guilt trip, accusations, etc. and fights like with a pwBPD. 

So I think if you need more contact from your new partner, it's fine to make that request; just consider what you want and be prepared to accept it if it's provided, without then needing more (like a pwBPD would).  You could even try to frame it as a positive thing, not a request.  For example, "I love getting a little text from you now and then when we're apart."  But honestly, a couple hours of time is not a big deal, assuming that's all it is.  If you find yourself getting upset over it, maybe send a friendly text of your own, then find something else to do while you wait for a response so you're not obsessing over it.

...
So I guess I’m wondering, those of you that have got into relationships after one with a bpd partner. Have you felt a fear of abandonment, or any other issues. Has some of the negative traits of the pwBPD rubbed off on you. Have you found it strange, adjusting to what seems like a normal healthy relationship from the rollercoaster ride you were used to.

I did for a while; I'd occasionally find myself apologizing for something I didn't need to, or over-explaining why I wanted to do something else, etc., out of concern it would provoke a fight.   

I think I didn't pick up any negative traits from BPDxw, although I did find myself expecting to fight similar battles all over again, and was overly sensitive to concerns about things being too one-sided in my new partner's favor, or things like that.  I had to learn to stay calm and not let my emotions set the tone for how I communicated.