New chapter - I need to be a better parent

[15years]

Hi, I'm back after a break here. Now moving to this "bettering" category.

We've had a third child, a girl (such a great child ). Pregnancy was a break from certain topics and fighting was less frequent and more about household issues. I knew it was temporary, I never doubted it. Now back to sexuality related topics. I am a 100 % bad person due to my actions in relation to those topics.


Now I have been more submissive the last two years and I have tried to avoid conflict by trying to do everything right, and still it's as bad as two years ago.
I think it made me a worse parent. I get irritated easily and sometimes I have trouble feeling good around them. And I have little time for them because I'm busy with my wife's requests or discussions with her.

I don't know if there's a question here, but maybe you can ask questions of me? A big problem now is a feel mute, like I have nothing to say. But I feel like a mess. And I miss being a present dad. Worried about how my boys are doing (10 and 6 years old now).

How do I talk to them about my wife's anger. "I know mom is always angry at me, I'm sorry, it must be tough for you" - "Why is she angry?", and it stops there...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wantmorepeace]

This sounds extremely difficult.  Do you have a therapist that you work with?  If so, does the therapist understand bpd?

[bluebird314]

That's a really challenging balancing act. A good therapist is great, and I also highly recommend "High Conflict Couples" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" if you need good reads. The NEABPD 8-week courses are nice, but do take 2 hours on Friday afternoons.

An additional question, is she herself in DBT? Or seeking awareness of her state of mind, etc? One of the better things said to me here regularly is the thumb-and-hammer reality that the way our pwBPD process and ingest emotional experiences is like hitting your thumb with a hammer; can't think straight. That makes it very difficult for people in your situation.

I understand feeling closed off; it can be difficult to be yourself when your emotions feel like "the problem" (insofar as feeling as if having any of them at all simply becomes a trigger). While that might not be your unique situation, what you're feeling and experiencing is a real feeling.

My kids are older, but I've found talking about anger/ethics in general to be a better way of speaking that about their mom. My youngest (14) has asked "Why is Mom so mad" and we've talked about emotional dysregulation, but that's easier at an older age. My wife is diagnosed and open with our kids about her condition. I wish that made how she treated me / anything different, but I'm coming to terms (actively) that this may not be the case.

[ForeverDad]

I was worried that having more children would keep you even more tightly tied to her unreasonable perceptions and control.  But this is reality and we deal with it.

Have you read "An Umbrella for Alex" by Rachel Rashkin?  It's a booklet that speaks in general terms about how to explain in a general age-appropriate terms ways to deal with an angry acting-out parent or family member.  I believe it doesn't even mention diagnostic labels.  I remember getting a copy ordered online back in my early years here.  Wow, nearly 20 years ago.

If your spouse would object to the children having  counseling sessions, there might be limited resources available with clued-in school counselors.