How do you deal with unrealistic demands on you?

[mssalty]

Scenario (that has happened frequently, but not so much recently until now)

I’m talking to SO about something I’d like them to do.  SO ignores me and points to a problem they are having and wants me to fix. 

SO  is always coming to me to fix something, explain something, make something work, or with frustration about something broken, not working, or unexplained to them. 

SO also lately seems not to be hearing much of what I’m saying, asking, or wanting because they’re wrapped up in their own issues. 

The thing my SO wants me to fix is something I have no knowledge of.  I offer suggestions, none of which are correct to my SO.  I get frustrated and say “I have no idea”.   

My SO explodes at me about how I’m mean and awful and I get angry. 

I explain where I’m coming from and why I’m frustrated. 

SO says “of course, I’m always the bad person and it’s always my fault.” 

Later they come to me and tell me that I have to stop my behavior or else.   A familiar refrain is that while my SO uses “I’m always the bad guy” as a guilt defense, the truth is that I’m always the one who has to change my reactions. 

So what is the proper way to deal with a demand that you never react, never get upset, never do something that makes them react negatively, and always be aware of how your reaction is going to make them react?   

Also, I’ve noticed that my SO is perfectly free to make hateful and condescending statements that would I know would lead to WWIII if I made them.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rowdy]

You are asking the impossible. It seems quite common from comments on here, and certainly in my situation, that if you are asked something that you don’t know the answer to, saying “I don’t know” will result in devaluation. If that was my response to a question I didn’t know the answer to I would be told that I am horrible.

What can you do about it? Well I guess one idea would be to say that you need to go to the toilet, take your phone, google the question, or the problem while on the toilet, then come back with the answer, an answer, anything really to try and defuse them.

And yes, the things they do and say that is quite ok for you to put up with but would send them into a spiral…….. they all do that.

[Me88]

You are asking the impossible. It seems quite common from comments on here, and certainly in my situation, that if you are asked something that you don’t know the answer to, saying “I don’t know” will result in devaluation. If that was my response to a question I didn’t know the answer to I would be told that I am horrible.

What can you do about it? Well I guess one idea would be to say that you need to go to the toilet, take your phone, google the question, or the problem while on the toilet, then come back with the answer, an answer, anything really to try and defuse them.

And yes, the things they do and say that is quite ok for you to put up with but would send them into a spiral…….. they all do that.

Rowdy is right. It's impossible. If you say you don't know, or you don't care (about whatever option is chosen) you are bad. You are wrong and incompetent. I was told I 'half asz' everything because I took on a project I'd never done (which turned out fine). They will insult you, curse you, mock you, be awful and it's because 'you made me do this'. If you even bring up a concern, it's character assassination. There is no logic to this.

[Me88]

Also don't justify or defend anything you're feeling or saying. They will see that as not feeling heard and lacking accountability for the perceived wrongdoing. Best to walk away if things get heated.

[Pook075]

So what is the proper way to deal with a demand that you never react, never get upset, never do something that makes them react negatively, and always be aware of how your reaction is going to make them react?   

Great question.  Complicated answer.

First, the way your spouse reacts has everything to do with her current feelings and nothing to do with your answers.  However, if you get frustrated, then her reactions are based on your reactions because she's already struggling.  In a nutshell, your frustration is taken as saying, "I can't stand you and I have no idea why I even bother with this relationship."

Now, that's not what you're saying, but it's what she's feeling.  This is all about feelings here; feelings are reality just like facts are reality.

For instance, if you feel like you're going to throw up, it feels horrible regardless whether you actually throw up or not.  She feels that same way from a mental standpoint.

So what do you do?

Let's back up here.  You asked something, she ignored it.  You asked again, she ignored it again, and then followed up with an unrelated question.

Her ignoring you is a major sign that her brain is working overtime on something.  So if you double down at that moment, she's going to think, "What a jerk- can't he see what I'm dealing with?!?"  And of course you can't, you're not a mind reader.  But it's important to catch these subtle cues that she could be thinking in a disordered way...or at least heading in that direction.

Step one- if she ignores you, back off.  Now's not the time for discussion.  It stinks and it's unfair, but it is what it is.  Just walk away for a few minutes and let her internal crisis pass.

Step two- she asks a question that you know nothing about.  Don't you wish you would've nailed step one?  That's okay though.  Give an honest answer like, "I have no idea, but I know who does."  Then ask Google or Siri.  You do have the combined knowledge of the history of the entire world on your smartphone, so you can deliver a passable answer in about 2 seconds.

Why does this work?  Because you're choosing her and her problem over yourself.  Doing the opposite leads to chaos, so do the smart thing and try to help (or get better at step one).

Step three- maybe she's still frustrated, which again is a clue that this isn't about you AT ALL.  It's about disordered thinking and mental illness.  If you make the effort, then she's mad at the imaginary thing.  If you don't make the effort, now her rage turns to you.  So you make the effort.  But if that fails, then step three is to go back to step one.  Say something kind and retreat!

I know this sounds childish and moronic.  Yet it's my go-to for any conversations that begin to unfold this way.  And it works about half the time.  For the other half, I'll apologize for her struggling and offer a hug or some ice cream.  That usually avoids the lion share of the drama.