A Fresh Start from Old Arguments

[Pook075]

Hi friends.  I was recently talking to a friend about BPD cycles and how the same arguments seem to come up over and over again.  For example, the BPD may accuse infidelity or withholding money or a million other things.  What's the best way that you've found to move past these conversations?

As most of you know, I have a BPD ex-wife and a BPD daughter, plus many potential BPD in-laws on my ex-wife's side. My ex was notorious for saying something like, "I busted my ass around the house all day long, yet you always say I don't do anything!" 

The problem was, I worked from home and I'd see her start a load of laundry then lay in bed the entire day scrolling on her phone.  Maybe she emptied the dishwasher or did a few light chores, but she did very little on a consistent basis.  And if I mentioned anything like, "Could you help me clean up the kitchen?" or even "What did you work on today?"  I'd get the explosive response how she's busted her ass and I'm never appreciative.

I never could solve this while we were married, but a year or so later when she'd make those types of statements, I'd counter with something like, "I love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't do better.  I always tried my best to take care of you."

And my ex would be speechless, what could she say?  That I should have always been perfect no matter what?  That's crazy even in her mind.

I tried doing that with my daughter as well, and if she was highly disordered it wouldn't land well.  But after several months, things began to change there as well because even when she was splitting, she'd realize that I wasn't her mortal enemy anymore and I genuinely loved her and wanted to help.  So slowly but surely, what would have been a 2-hour screaming sessions lasted only a few minutes, because my words disarmed her.  I showed love, I showed patience, I showed empathy and sympathy.

And when all of those failed, I'd just tell her that I refused to argue and I was walking away.

Over time, their anger and frustration towards me faded because I was doing two things absolutely right- I wouldn't argue or be negative, and I always told them I loved them and was there for them when they were at their worst.  Eventually they both believed it and accepted it- I was no longer painted black.

Now, that doesn't mean I got the storybook ending, because there's times when my BPD daughter will call me up just to rant and accuse me of things I have nothing to do with.  And I'll listen as long as I can stand to listen, then politely say, "I love you and I'm here for you.  Why are you really so upset right now- what happened?"  Sometimes it works, sometimes I get cussed out.  But I either hang in there for a bit longer or I end the conversation.

Meanwhile, my ex wife has actually painted me white in most situations.  If someone talks badly about me, she's going to defend me and give them a taste of her wrath.  We're not close anymore but when we talk, it's like we're old friends catching up.  So that's really great since we're parents and have to communicate.

I'm curious what others have done in these situations and what's worked for you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Anonymous22]

Hi Pook, my uBPDh and I go around and around in the same cycles about the same topics, he accuses me of cheating and that I don't treat our kids equally.  We used to go around and around about money, until I refused to combine finances and essentially accepted that I will need to pay for everything and just document, document, document in case it is needed in the future.

Currently, my uBPDh is dead set that I am cheating on him.  Despite the fact that he has access to the cameras at all entrances of the house and has cameras inside the house (which I did have access to them when he first set them up, but he stole my phone during a DV incident and I don't have access on my new phone and he refuses to send me another invite for access).  He has accused me of this for most of our relationship, though I have been nothing but faithful to him.  To him, I am sleeping with every person whom I come in contact with...our kids obviously only have friends because I am sleeping with the dads, our kids only make sports teams because obviously I am sleeping with the coaches, somehow whoever I am "sleeping with all day" while I am at work pays all 3 of the hospitals that I work for so that the hospitals in turn can pay me a salary from their accounts, etc.  His accusations are crazy making and so obviously not true, but how do I deal with this?  In the distant past, I would fight back and need to prove that I was right and did everything including taking a polygraph test...which obviously instead of doing the polygraph while I was in the room, I was sleeping with the man who ran the test! AHHHH...More recently, I have just told him that I will not discuss things that are not true and will end the conversation, text or walk away.  But...now he has brought it on to our 2 younger kids, because I walk away and they can't, and traps them in the car and questions them about "who is sleeping in mom's bed with her" and "who is mom dating".  Its at the point where my kids want nothing to do with their dad when he is like this.  My S8 told the school therapist that he didn't like going to dads house and that he was afraid and didn't feel safe there, which got translated to the police that they needed to come to my house as my son is afraid to be at my house and when my son told them no, its that he doesn't want to go to dad's the police officer said "Ok, I will let the school know its that you are closer to mom and just don't want to, its not a real safety issue"!  Another AHHHHH....I will be clear on this, I don't believe that there is any physical danger to my kids, I would be the first to report this and take my kids and run, but there is a psychological risk and the police don't care about that!  My uBPDh is in court mandated DV therapy as well as DBT therapy.  At the start of this whole thing, he mentioned to me that he knows that he gets in really bad moods sometimes and has a very hard time coming out of them and will need to be in therapy for a long time (years...his words), but I remind him of this and I get told that I am being hurtful to him!  I have access to the victim's advocate at the DV therapy office.  Part of me wants to ask for family therapy through them, but I don't know if that will be helpful or hurtful!  Honestly, I am stuck right now!  Like everyone else here, we go in cycles.  I have worked really hard to set up boundaries and have held strong, which has helped us tremendously, but for the last 2 weeks he has come barreling through our entire house and I don't know what to do!       

[Pook075]

To him, I am sleeping with every person whom I come in contact with...our kids obviously only have friends because I am sleeping with the dads, our kids only make sports teams because obviously I am sleeping with the coaches, somehow whoever I am "sleeping with all day" while I am at work pays all 3 of the hospitals that I work for so that the hospitals in turn can pay me a salary from their accounts, etc.  His accusations are crazy making and so obviously not true, but how do I deal with this?  In the distant past, I would fight back and need to prove that I was right and did everything including taking a polygraph test...which obviously instead of doing the polygraph while I was in the room, I was sleeping with the man who ran the test! AHHHH...More recently, I have just told him that I will not discuss things that are not true and will end the conversation, text or walk away. 

This is such a tough conversation because it's not only about you, but the kids too.

You told him that you wouldn't discuss this anymore, which is a hard boundary.  That's a good thing, but we also know that a new boundary is going to be challenged.  Keep doing what you're doing, reassure him that you're remaining faithful, but refuse to go into more detail.

Have you tried spinning it back around on him.  Like asking, "Why do you think I'm cheating on you?  When would I even have the time for that?"  Make him be accountable instead of just defending or retreating.  Conversations like this can be productive, while arguments cannot.  If he's in an even mood and wants to talk about it, then talk about it in a reassuring way.  Let him know that you're committed to him and taking care of the kids.

But...now he has brought it on to our 2 younger kids, because I walk away and they can't, and traps them in the car and questions them about "who is sleeping in mom's bed with her" and "who is mom dating".  Its at the point where my kids want nothing to do with their dad when he is like this. 

This is so incredibly hard and it can't continue.  I would consider contacting the DV office and reporting it if he won't back off the kids immediately.  This is dangerous behavior and like you said, the kids can't fight back.  So this definitely needs a stronger boundary for their protection.  If he can't back off this type of talk, he doesn't need to be around the kids at all until he's more balanced and stable.