she came back again, help me not mess it up this time

[stevemcduck]

Hi guys,

I’ve been on this forum for a while and have had an on off relationship with someone with bpd,

I’m a 42-year-old man and was with my ex, for just over six years. We lived together and she is, without question, the woman I’ve loved more than anyone else. She loved being nurtured, looked after and feeling emotionally safe, and I loved protecting, guiding and caring for her. It felt very natural to both of us.

The relationship was incredible at its best, but we had a repeating cycle. Whenever she became overwhelmed, she would often withdraw, shut down emotionally, become defensive, or end the relationship. I would become anxious, chase, apologise, analyse everything and try to repair things. Looking back, I became the emotional caretaker of the relationship.

There were also breaches of trust. During one previous breakup she told me she hadn’t spoken to anyone else, but when we reconciled I discovered she had been flirting with several men, sending nudes and saying hurtful things about me that weren’t true. She was deeply apologetic, even tattooed my name afterwards, and I forgave her, but I never fully recovered from the hurt. It became a source of insecurity for me.

Our final breakup happened after an argument about that history. I mentioned that during one of our breakups other women had sent me nudes. She became extremely angry, assaulted me, and I left the house. I made the terrible decision to drive after drinking and was arrested for drink driving. She was arrested for assault. We ended up separated and legal restrictions meant she couldn’t contact me for around three months.

During those months I worked hard on myself. I went to the gym, read books, worked on my anxious attachment, did a lot of inner-child work and realised that for years I’d abandoned my own needs because I was terrified of losing her. One of the biggest lessons I learned was that I don’t want to carry a relationship by myself anymore.

Halfway through the no-contact period I sent her a video saying that if she ever wanted to speak again, she could simply change her WhatsApp profile picture. She did change it. Nothing happened for a while after that. Later I assumed it was over and blocked her. She immediately called me, we argued, but eventually calmed down and decided to start talking again.

We’ve now been reconnecting for a few days. We text throughout the day, have had a couple of FaceTimes lasting about an hour, and she’s generally warm. She often initiates messages like “Good morning,” asks about my day, tells me about job interviews, sends me Instagram reels and has tried to FaceTime me herself once. She agreed to rebuild contact and, early on, said something that really stood out to me: if I’d been with anyone else, she wouldn’t be interested in rebuilding contact.

At the same time, she’s also asked me not to make things too intense because she’s under a lot of stress. She recently lost her job, is worried about her health, and has said she’d rather keep things light for now. When I suggested meeting, she didn’t say no, she said it was too soon and asked me to give it a couple of weeks.

My concern is that I’m starting to notice familiar patterns. I usually say “I love you” first. I usually say “I miss you” first. I initiated both FaceTimes. I tend to be the one moving things forward emotionally. She responds warmly, but rarely leads in those areas herself.

I don’t want to repeat our old dynamic where I become responsible for carrying the relationship. At the same time, I also don’t want to misinterpret someone who is simply rebuilding trust slowly after everything we’ve been through.

My questions are:

From your experience, does this sound like someone who is cautiously rebuilding trust, or someone who is keeping me at arm’s length?

If you’ve been in a similar relationship, what behaviours genuinely helped rebuild attraction and emotional safety after a traumatic breakup?

If she does have quiet/internalised BPD traits, what would you avoid doing at this stage?

Is there anything in my behaviour that still sounds anxious or likely to recreate the old pursue/withdraw cycle?

Most importantly, if your goal was to maximise the chances of a healthy reconciliation, not just getting her back, but rebuilding something that actually lasts, what would you do differently if you were me?

I’m looking for honest opinions, even if they’re difficult to hear. I love this woman deeply, but I also don’t want to rebuild the same unhealthy relationship we had before.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

help me not mess it up this time

My concern is that I’m starting to notice familiar patterns. I usually say “I love you” first. I usually say “I miss you” first. I initiated both FaceTimes. I tend to be the one moving things forward emotionally. She responds warmly, but rarely leads in those areas herself.

I don’t want to repeat our old dynamic where I become responsible for carrying the relationship. At the same time, I also don’t want to misinterpret someone who is simply rebuilding trust slowly after everything we’ve been through.

Of course you will notice some similarities.  However, it's more likely that your returning ex would be the one to "mess it up" ... again.

Flip your binoculars around for a moment.  Look through the other end.  Although you can see ways where you could have done better, was your relationship's failure ALL your fault?  Somehow, we strongly doubt that.

[stevemcduck]

you are right, its was about 5% my fault

[Pook075]

Most importantly, if your goal was to maximise the chances of a healthy reconciliation, not just getting her back, but rebuilding something that actually lasts, what would you do differently if you were me?

What I would do differently is to learn to listen more, react less, and think about her feelings before thinking about yours.

Her feelings are unstable at times because she has mental illness.  Your feelings are unstable at times because you react badly to her mental illness.  One of those you can work on.  The other you can't.

Understand that when she's unstable, she's actually suffering.  So when you see that and don't help her calm down, her emotions spiral as she second guesses the relationship.  The thing she's freaking out about is not the words she's saying...it's actually wondering if you still love her and support her or not.  So you have to show that in words and demeanor when she's unstable...that helps her become stable once again.

If you do this consistently enough for long enough, the complete meltdowns become minor arguments that fade instantly.  You have to have really thick skin at times though to avoid fighting back, taking the bait, etc.

Again, she's doing it because she's mentally ill and suddenly wonders if you're the enemy.  Your only real job is to show her that you're not.

This sounds impossibly hard, and in some ways it is.  But once you start getting the hang of it, leading with empathy and love, you quickly pick up on what actually works and what doesn't.  It does get easier and it does get managable to the point where it almost goes away entirely.  It's 100% dependent on the trust between the two of you though.

[ForeverDad]

You are willing to work better at your relationship, right?  That's good but your efforts alone are not enough.  What has she done to improve her end of the relationship?  If she hasn't started meaningful long term therapy and is determined to apply the therapy in her perceptions, behavior and everyday life... well, then the future is probably going to be a repeat of the past.

When BPD traits are involved, so much more is needed than promises and hopes.

[Me88]

You are willing to work better at your relationship, right?  That's good but your efforts alone are not enough.  What has she done to improve her end of the relationship?  If she hasn't started meaningful long term therapy and is determined to apply the therapy in her perceptions, behavior and everyday life... well, then the future is probably going to be a repeat of the past.

When BPD traits are involved, so much more is needed than promises and hopes.

100% I know most of us have done it, but when I read threads like this...I'm like 'why?'....RUN. Yes they were the best partner we've ever had when it was good, but it was also so God awful. And yes, it's nice to want to be a better partner, that shows you can see other perspectives and want to grow. But what is she doing? What did she do with her time away other than be with other men, they ran away or she did her BPD thing and left them too? Is she in therapy or an any psych meds?

If not, this is just going to crash and burn again.

[Under The Bridge]

From your experience, does this sound like someone who is cautiously rebuilding trust, or someone who is keeping me at arm’s length?

From what you wrote - her wanting space - it sounds like she's already slipping into previous ways, despite her seeming interest in reconnecting. It may be more of a case of her seeing you as 'an available option' at this time, rather than a genuine interest if she currently has nobody else in her life. Hard to hear I know but we all know BPD's can switch from person to person with alarming ease if they fear being alone. They go and they come back if it suits them.

Got to agree with all that's been said so far; everyone here wishes for the best for both of you but be prepared for things to eventually cycle into the 'old ways' once this initial period of reconnection has worn off for her.

You have the ability to see the problems and try many ways to reduce them. If action A doesn't work, you can try action B, C, etc. You're able and willing to adapt and be logical.

The problem is - she isn't. No matter how you vary your approach she still has the same illness and is running to the same script, to the same triggers. The best you can ever do is hope to lessen them to a more acceptable level but, though you aren't the ill one, it's going to be down to you to make any changes in how you deal with the relationship.