Separated from wife/Need Advice

[Friends1]

Hi there, I need some help. I was married to my wife for 4 years when we met in college. She was amazing but then she became very violent. She had drug scissors down my neck, would bite me, scratch me, chase me around the apartment, trap me in rooms with her, almost caused us to have a wreck on the interstate when she tried to take control of the wheel and punch my sexual organs. It was bad and I could never understand her. We got divorced and I never properly healed and I prayed that she would grow and heal and come back to me as a whole person. I was told by a therapist at that time she may have BPD but didn’t think much about it. She 7 years later came back and waned to apologize for all the things she had done. We ended up dating again I thought I did everything I could to make sure nothing like the past would return. She was amazing, she could apologize and would go the extra mile on everything, was cute and funny like she was before without the negative side. We got married and on the second day of our honeymoon her demeanor changed and she became mean and abrasive. The honeymoon was terrible with all the fighting that I thought it might end before we got back, and I felt tricked. We had our good moments and I made mistakes but she would fight me for hours, chase me around the apartment, shoved me multiple times once so hard my foot put a hole in the wall, throw things, fight for hours and be verbally abusive. We did go to marriage counseling and she mocked me so much because she knew I enjoyed it and would threaten to cancel it and called me “a good little boy with no one to talk to.” This is not all of course but a lot of it. I left when she had another discard and then trapped me in a room again, tried to force my phone out my pocket and told me the only way out was to call the cops. She finally let me go and we separated. During this separation through our marriage counselor so hinted at BPD. My therapist mentioned she has traits of BPD and NPD. She started going to therapy herself and with a release of info form, her therapist said Cluster B was probable, that she has deep ingrained thought processes, that I should look at the past to predict the future, that I should give myself a future, and that I should listen to my confidants when they say I will have a stroke, she hurt me bad in a rage, or I lose my mind and I end up and jail. So our last marriage counseling session the marriage counselor I felt almost forced me to say divorce and I don’t like that. She is apparently booked for a year of what I believe is DBT therapy. I’m struggling because I don’t want a divorce, I’ve spent so much time trying to make this work and she is beautiful when she’s calm. But like you’ve read she can be very controlling and I typically go along with what she wants to keep her happy. Very long post, but I’m desperate. Should I give her another chance and hope therapy works while we stay separated or did I do the right thing?

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[SuperDaddy]

Hi @Friends1 , and welcome to the BPD Family.

Thanks for sharing all of that. My wife also chases me and also does physical assaults regularly, but not nearly as bad as you describe. Accidents can happen, but my wife doesn't have the courage to hurt me on purpose. Your ex does. Also, my wife doesn't walk through the house (because of a specific phobia), but she persecutes me with her screams and loud ranting, and this is already bad enough to make the relationship completely unworthy.

I understand when you say, "She is beautiful when she’s calm." My wife is a wonderful person when she is not raging or dysphoric. She always makes me laugh, takes care of me if needed, and provides love to our kids and also her stepkids, and she is super attractive (almost 6 feet tall, model body). However, being verbally attacked 3-4 times per week is not worth it. I don't need to have someone disrespecting me so badly in the place where I live. So I deserve peace, and I deserve to be respected. I'm hoping my mindset clicks for you.

From what I understood, you are unsure about signing the divorce papers because you are thinking that she might recover since she is in therapy, right? Well, I think that chances of recovery are slim, because it seems like she is only booking it to get you on her side. And if she has NPD traits, then I don't think you should expect her to recover at all. I think her actions go beyond BPD because she was able to wait until you married her to reengage in this behavior, which seems sadistic from what you described.

And in case you were expecting a romantic relationship to exist during this process of therapy, that only makes matters worse, because unstable relationships get in the way of the treatment. I know two therapists who say that during the first 2-3 years of therapy, it's better for the BPD patient to be single.

And if you are still having trouble moving on after getting the responses from this board, then you should seek professional help or at least a self-help book. That's just to check the holes that you might be carrying on from childhood. For me, self-help books worked great.

[SuperDaddy]

By the way, your relationship description reminds me of Courtney Clenney. She is pretty, isn't she? She is doing well, but I can't say the same for her boyfriend. He... Guess what?


Image source: Miami-Dade State Attorney's Office

More info: Video, Text

[Friends1]

I don’t know why this is so hard. I don’t want to live my life without her, but she can be so controlling. It’s killing such a long dream that I had, she can be so amazing and our personalities do match. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me.

[SuperDaddy]

I don’t know why this is so hard. I don’t want to live my life without her, but she can be so controlling. It’s killing such a long dream that I had, she can be so amazing and our personalities do match. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me.

While idealizing you, the partner with BPD surfs your dream with you. That's why it seems magical, because it's your dream. And that's where things go wrong. She is not being herself in this dream, and at some point she will show who she really is. Because she doesn't quite know who she is. All she knows is to be angry about "not being someone." The first part of therapy is intended to teach her exactly that—who she is—to form her sense of self and stable identity.

Here is how you find out what's going on inside your head. Just do this actions below, simultaneously.

Action 1: Find some books that are related to your upbringing. If you aren't in the mood to read it, consider the audible version. Choose the books wisely based on your childhood. For me those two made it:

1) Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
by Christine Musello and Jonice Webb

2) Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child Hardcover
by John Bradshaw

PS: The audible version of Homecoming allows you to do self-hypnotherapy at the end of the book, and this really worked for me.

Action 2: If you feel depressed, fatigued, or anxious, you should also seek to solve those issues. Most people recommend medication from a psychiatrist, but I don't. I recommend an orthomolecular psychiatrist. Or you can cut off all foods that may not be working for you, such as gluten/sugar/milk, and add all essential nutrients (vitamins, minerals, and fatty acids), figuring out which ones you need in high dosage and if you have any excess. The book Nutrient Power from William Walsh can help you to better understand how they work.

Action 3: Do physical exercises, such as going to the gym, and any daily social exercise (which can be about the gym as well).