Recently found out my Wife most likely has BPD

[Shameus]

We are coming up on our 5th wedding anniversary and we share a 3 year old son.  She is a License Marriage and Family Therapist, which makes things much more difficult.  We worked together at a residential therapy center for mostly borderline personality disorder teenagers.  It has only recently been made clear to me after talking to my psychiatrist who has a strong background in BDP that my wife has it.  At this moment she is in a DBT group as well as DBT solo treatment, but hasn’t told me what her diagnosis is.  I am afraid to ask as well as not believe she will tell the truth.  A few months ago she had a breakdown and was sent to the Emergency Department then an inpatient facility and was shortly released as not longer a danger to her self.  She said she looked up a way to kill herself which was detailed.  Her family was helpful in taking her to the emergency room, but she was not truthful to the staff and I had to step in to speak with the medical staff.  This incident has been a catalyst that this isn’t a PMDD, ADHD, Interstitial Cystitis, Diet and the list goes on.  I am a person with low self esteem, learning disability and I guess recently realizing growing up role of peacemaker.  She is primary income and I am the primary care giver who for the past few months was able to find work that allowed me to still take care of our son.  This still comes with heavy ridicule from my wife, because I have new self worth and higher self esteem.  I deal with a lot of changing of goal posts and being trapped to take care of our son, because she makes up an excuse not to.  I do worry that she will lash out on our son if I were not there.  I have recently held a boundary and when she became verbally abusive and not respecting my boundary, I took a 30 minute walk, because she blocked the driveway physically for me to leave with my car.  This is the first time I did this and it felt good.  I was scared that it would escalate more or that she might harm our son.  When I came back she was calm, but blamed it on her taking adderall, which one she is supposed to tell me and second I am not sure I believe her that she did.  Our son was safe and being taken care of.  That night I was exhausted, but had one of the most sound sleeps that I hadn’t had in a long time.  I meet with my therapist tomorrow and how to further deal with her disease, but I am afraid it might not be able to be sustained and I am heart broken because I would of liked to have had more children.  Being a dad has been one of those moments when I knew I was great at something.  I am having a difficult time as I read that a lot of you are.  All the best.

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[Pook075]

Hi Shameus and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it's always extra heartbreaking when a young child is involved.  Hopefully you find the tools and resources to work through this together.

My ex wife and my oldest daughter both have BPD, and they're both in the healthcare fields helping others with long-term sickness or disabilities. I don't think that's a coincidence that people who struggle mentally want to help others who struggle as well.  In fact, in some ways I think it becomes a core of their identity because it's a healthy outlet to make up for their own struggles.

What parts of the relationship are you currently struggling with the most?  How can we help you prepare for the months ahead?