I need help in supporting my pregnant gf with BPD

[very_scared]

Really desperate for help and guidance and not sure where I can find it. (My job doesn't cover mental health expenses, so I've struggled to find a therapist.)

Some background: My gf and I are both in our mid 20s and have been together for about 2 years. We met almost randomly through two different friends-of-friends at a party, and quickly fell for each other. We had nothing but great time in the first months, totally infatuated with each and always with each other, eventually getting a place together. She told me right away that she has numerous mental health problems, including BPD, and sees a therapist every week.

Initially this didn't worry me, as it seemed she had a real handle on these problems and they never came up. But soon after moving in together, she began exhibiting many BPD behaviors, pretty much on a weekly basis, if not multiple times in a week. She would blow up in anger for many different reasons and sob uncontrollably, rejecting any consoling and physically swatting or pushing me away, only to later ask why I gave up in trying to console her. She demanded that I accept these outbursts without taking anything personally, even when she hurls insults at me, mocks me, and accuses me of not caring and being being committed and not being in love with her. I'm constantly characterized as someone I'm not.

I recognized that I was JADE-ing often, which is a concept I only learned about 2 months ago. I would be told that I am somebody who I really don't believe I am, and I would defend myself or try to comfort her by assuring her that I am a better person than how I was being characterized, and that would only make things much worse. I am constantly told to "surrender". I've improved in this quite a bit. Many times throughout the week she will say something mean to me, so easily, like it just flies off her tongue without any thought as to how that could be offensive, even though she would never say that to a stranger or coworker, and I try to tell myself, "She doesn't mean it, it's the BPD". But sometimes I break, and as soon as I do, I'm told that I'm a bad boyfriend, and that if I "really loved" her I would be strong enough to "take it".

Now that she is pregnant, these demands are heightened. I feel bad for her because pregnancy is a lot to deal with, and she has really stressful family issues with her mom and little brother which gets really overwhelming on top of all the physical and hormonal changes. At the same time, the accusations have become worse, while the demands to surrender and take it have increased. So many things she does really hurts my feelings, and when I try to mention it, she gets angrier because I'm "being selfish" and "ignoring" her needs to care about myself more. In arguments she often begs me to be her "emotional caretaker" because she can't but also doesn't want to "regulate raw emotions" like anger.

Last week, she mentioned saving up money to buy a house, and I responded by saying there are a few things I want to happen before I want to start thinking about doing that. This has upset her for the entire week now, and she tells me repeatedly each day that I've "destroyed" our relationship because I'm not "dedicated to building a future together". She says I don't do enough for her as a boyfriend, deeply minimizes everything I do to help around the house ("You think being a chauffeur and building furniture is being a good boyfriend"), as a father-to-be, and that I never cared or loved her or wanted to be together in the future. She seems convinced that I don't care, and convinced that our relationship is tarnished. She says I need to come up with a solution to the harm I've caused, and

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her. I want to be supportive. I know this sounds like a laundry list of red flags, but she has immense care and love inside of her when she isn't upset. There are times where she recognizes that what she is doing to herself and to me.

But I'm really concerned about my own mental health. I constantly feel like a failure and a bad boyfriend, and I feel like a bad father in not being able to give my daughter-to-be's mother what she needs.

I just really don't know what to do, and even more scared that I won't be able to do what's needed. I feel like I'm going to break emotionally if I have to endure more of this. I wish there was a way we could both work on this, but she is resolute in me having to deal with anything she does without any qualification or adjustments on her part. I'm so scared that I won't be supportive or strong enough, and that our relationship will be ruined, that this love I have for her will be spoiled and won't be received or have a place to go, and that I'll have to struggle to be around my daughter in the way I want to be.

Sorry for the long rant. I just really want to know what I can do to be a better boyfriend to someone struggling with BPD, while at the same time making sure I'm mentally OK as well.

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