Said she needed a break. So confused

[Victor Feliz]

Hi there,

I'm new here and just thought this might help to get it all out.

For context I started dating a woman last year that I had known as a friend for close to 15 years. We always had a really good connection, a certain electricity between us and we had fun together when we would hang out. I got the vibe that she did have some feelings for me and I even called her out on it once and she said I just thought that was our thing.. When I met her, she was married. When that ended she got together with someone and they stayed together for 10 years. When we started dating she admitted that she did have feelings for me even when she was in the other relationship.

She let me know that she has BPD and tried to explain some of it to me. I didn't really recognize how big of a deal that was and frankly I was avoidant and kept her at arms length. Even though I knew deep down that what we had was special to me. She has taken steps to deal with her bpd too I should add. Therepy, medication. Well, after about 6 months we broke up over something that we in hindsight could have worked out. At that point I was convinced that we just weren't a good match. Months went by and she reached out a few times, but by October she reached out to say that she wanted to give us another try. I still wasn't convinced it was a good idea but I went to her house and our connection was just as strong as ever. She told me she loved me, and I said it back. It just kind of slipped out. In the morning I freaked out and told her me coming over was a bad idea.

The next few weeks she reached out and I didn't respond too much, but I started thinking about it and thought what's wrong with me? Why am I not going for this? She's smart, she's funny, I find her incredibly attractive. This is when I truly realized my attachment style, and that it was okay to be in love with this woman. I called her, and she said that she was doing great, got a new job, exercising a lot, quit drinking, and was seeing someone.. That she didn't think I wanted her. I couldn't believe it, but I know I didn't treat her the way I should have. But still, two weeks later!? She wanted to know how we were going to salvage our friendship. I said I couldn't be friends because I didn't see her that way.

We basically went no contact for two months. Other than both of us wishing each other a happy birthday. On my birthday she posted a selfie on instagram with a song about dangerous love attached to it. (Sleep Token- Dangerous). I knew it was directed at me. (She confirmed that later). She reached out in January, and we spoke on the phone for 6 hours, followed by me spending the night at her house. I told her about my avoidance, the work I was putting into myself, and how much I loved her. We stared into each other's eyes for long stretches. She told me the new guy was perfect on paper but wasn't me. That she missed me and thought of me "too much." It was so great to see her again.

That night she sent me an email that she had written in October after we spent that night together. It's probably the nicest thing anyone has ever sent me. It's full of all the reasons she loves me, how she longs for me, and what she wants moving forward with me. She said how much I challenge her, and that she had loved me for so long. She said I was the whole package.

For the next week she was texting me a bit, telling me she was thinking of me. By the end of the week she sent another email that said that she was clearly not over me, but that she didn't know what to do. Should she leave the guy that had been steady and loving for the past two months or come back to me? That the idea of me abandoning her was terrifying. She said that she had literally been with "my boyfriend" for days before she reached out and did so because she told him that she was falling for him and misunderstood his reaction. She panicked and left, started drinking and reached out to me for a moment of our connection. They worked out the misunderstanding later that night apparently. She didn't expect me to have grown so much and to have such depth of feelings for her. But I also firmly believe that if she did truly love this guy then there would have been no 6 hour call, and no spending the night.

Well, it continued like this for another few weeks until she said that she was going to break it off with him because they just weren't right together. That it was obvious that what we had was undeniable. For the next month things were great. We were seeing each other a few times a week. Dinners. Romantic date night. We drank a bottle of champagne that I had been saving since November for when we got back together. (I had a feeling) We talked about the future some. About meeting family and friends. She did mention though a few times how terrifying the whole thing was. She was scared that I would leave again, or revert back to being so avoidant. She mentioned once too that I was a bit "too much" and we needed to slow down. Right after saying that she went to bed and she took off all her clothes and got into bed with me though.. What can I say? I got caught up in everything with her. I was so happy to have her back in my life, and from a place of vulnerability on my part that I don't know if I've ever shown anyone before.

There were more marathon phone conversations. One was even 8 hours long. It didn't feel like it at all. We never ran out of anything to speak about.

Well, she came over for Super Bowl weekend and it was awesome. I bought the drinks she likes, flowers. I tried to make it comfortable as possible so she would feel at home. We cuddled by the fire, I made dinner, she met most of my friends at a Super Bowl party. It was a really intimate. I can still picture her that weekend in my house. I can't believe I did it but I gave her a key to my house. I know, bad idea. She seemed touched by it in the moment.

The following week she was distant. We did make plans for Friday, and the following day was valentines day. She called me that Thursday and everything seemed normal. We spoke for 4 hours. Friday she wasn't very affectionate and just seemed off. Later that night she admitted that she had been feeling numb. Out of control. And had been splitting a lot. I told her if it was the key to just give it back. She said she didn't know. She canceled our Valentines day plans (she was going to come over and make dinner at my house) saying that she was exhausted and disappointed because she was looking forward to it. I said no problem. That night she texted me a few times. A photo of the dinner she was going to make for us, along with the flowers I had sent her. She said that she was glad that she didn't make it for me because it didn't turn out too well. Later I saw on her instagram that she had posted a sexy selfie along with the photo she sent me with the caption "any excuse to celebrate love." The guy she was dating in November was the top like.. Ouch.

Well she continued to be distant and by Tuesday she said she needed a break romantically. That she needed a break from the intensity. That she felt pressure. But also that she still imagined a future for us and that she wanted it to work out for us but if she pushed it now she knew it wouldn't work. She said that she didn't want to go no contact, that we would check in, in a few days. She reached out 11 days later with a Hey, how are you? I said I was good and that I hoped she was as well. She replied that she was alright. that she had been thinking of, and missed talking to me but didn't know what to say. I suggested we talk soon then. Another month went by and no word.

I'm really trying to not lurk on her social media or anything but last Friday I opened instagram and she's posted a "fresh new cut" selfie. And I got pissed. Not only is she fine without me, she looks like she's thriving. So I canceled the extra member Netflix she added to her account for me, and changed all the passwords of the streaming services she was using of mine. I admit it was a bit reactionary but at the same time we haven't spoken in over a month. She could be back with this guy. Who knows? She once called our connection "foundational" and she's not treating it like it is.

I went to bed that night and woke up to a text that she sent at 5:30 am saying that Hey! I've been thinking about reaching out. You didn't have to cancel the Netflix but I can logout of yours too if you prefer. Miss our conversations. I replied later that night that It's felt weird not talking. That I miss it too. That canceling the Netflix and changing the logins felt right considering where we're at now. She replied later I get it. Makes sense but I wouldn't have just canceled it on you. I didn't reply.

So what I'm sensing is that I've been devalued and discarded. I really saw potential with her, and I know that she did too. Did I scare her away for good? She just seems so cavalier about everything now. She's basically ignoring our foundational connection. She must be happier this way I suppose. What should I do? I don't want to reach out to her to add any pressure, or tell her how I actually feel. I'm sure she knows. I've been hoping by not talking that she would miss me enough to want to repair this.

I want this to work out for us. I don't want her to feel out of control with me. I love this woman so completely. It feels like there is a huge part of my life missing. It's bewildering to be in this spot. The few times she's reached out I've tried to show strength and that I'm fine but it's really got me down. She hasn't mentioned the key, and I haven't asked for it back. I kind of want it to be like the Telltale Heart. I can't stress enough how electric this connection is.

How probable is it that she comes back to me? Is there anything I can do to get her interested in me again? I know the attraction is there, and she doesn't want to slam the door shut on me. Obviously, she hasn't returned the key. I can't tell if she's just indifferent now or just hiding. I'm trying not to think about her but I do, and I miss her terribly. It feels like we have unfinished business between us. I have to imagine that she feels it too. Albeit buried away. A fear of mine is that she sees my love as dangerous to her well being. That I'm a part of her old "out of control" identity. If she's happier with someone else, or just without me around. I'll accept it. I don't like it but I want her to be happy. She deserves it. She is really a wonderful person. I just thought we were more than this, and it doesn't feel like it's over. I'm an idiot..

Thank you to all who read this. I know it's long and complicated but any advice, encouragement, or thoughts are appreciated. Or if something similar has happened to you feel free to post about it here too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hey Victor,

That’s a tough spot to be in, especially after you finally opened up and let yourself show up fully. Anyone would feel pulled and confused here.

What stands out is how fast things moved from deep connection back into distance. That kind of push/pull can feel really powerful, but it also makes it hard to feel steady.

It doesn’t sound like you scared her away. It sounds more like the intensity became hard for her to hold.

At the same time, you went from holding back… to offering something real and consistent. That’s not small. And now you’re left in the uncertainty while she checks in just enough to keep the connection alive, but not enough to build anything on.

I wonder what you need here to feel secure and valued.

You don’t sound like an idiot. You sound like someone who cared and took a real risk.

[Victor Feliz]

Thanks for the reply. I was hoping someone would!

You're right. This is a tough spot. I don't know what to do. I love her and don't want to just give up on her but...

I'm feeling generally steady in my day to day but I miss her and want her to miss me too. How could she not? The part of me that is unsteady and just confused is what you mentioned about the deep connection quickly turning to distance. Is this a normal BPD thing where she'll cycle back once the intensity has calmed down a bit? I don't think I imagined the depth of our feelings but the more I read about quiet BPD traits, the more it creeps into my mind that the October email was the height of her idealization. She meant it in the moment. Once she had what she thought she wanted for all that time it wasn't what she actually wanted? I did say that to her during our break talk. She defensively said "that's not what I'm saying." That or she wants to pursue this other guy again. Who knows, maybe she is just taking this time to process by herself. But I have to accept the reality of her actions. Women who want to be with you or have a relationship show up. She's missing in action no matter how foundational our connection is.