New to BPD and navigating through our first speedbump

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone. My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for several months. She has BPD and attends weekly therapy. We have met in person. The relationship is really good. I'm 46 and it's the best communication and openness I've ever had in a relationship.

We've recently hit our first bump in the road. She told me she is afraid of hurting me or my kids (emotionally) down the road if the relationship progresses and she has a volitile episode. She said she is thinking of ending a perfectly good relationship over it.

I am committed and dedicated to her and learning I all can about BPD and supporting her continued healing. I am also dedicated to improving myself and how to be the best partner I can for her.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you overcome your partner's fear of hurting you in the future?

[BPDpartner15]

Hello everyone. My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for several months. She has BPD and attends weekly therapy. We have met in person. The relationship is really good. I'm 46 and it's the best communication and openness I've ever had in a relationship.

We've recently hit our first bump in the road. She told me she is afraid of hurting me or my kids (emotionally) down the road if the relationship progresses and she has a volitile episode. She said she is thinking of ending a perfectly good relationship over it.

I am committed and dedicated to her and learning I all can about BPD and supporting her continued healing. I am also dedicated to improving myself and how to be the best partner I can for her.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you overcome your partner's fear of hurting you in the future?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

I can admire her being up front about her issues and concerns, something that is often denied and hidden.  Might she be preparing you to accept future incidents as though they were out of her control?  Or, in other words, is she trying to tell you that such incidents should be viewed as "two steps forward but one step back"?  Something to ponder.

I've often noted that conflict with people with BPD traits (pwBPD) is often reported reduced due to the lessened contact - and distance apart - so the question is posed, How might the relationship fare when the distance apart is less?

Often observed here is that ongoing therapy is essential, applied meaningfully in life, perceptions and behavior.  Be reminded that even meaningful therapy is not a cure.  BPD exists on a spectrum and very likely therapy will be necessary for years to come, perhaps even life-long.

Does she have a therapist who is capable of addressing Borderline patterns and does she apply the insight and "mindfulness" in her life?  Saying one thing is somewhat easy, actually doing it over a lifespan is so much harder to accomplish.

Only you can decide whether the long term outcome - and whatever costs may come with it - is one for you to choose.

[Alz123]

Hello everyone. My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for several months. She has BPD and attends weekly therapy. We have met in person. The relationship is really good. I'm 46 and it's the best communication and openness I've ever had in a relationship.

We've recently hit our first bump in the road. She told me she is afraid of hurting me or my kids (emotionally) down the road if the relationship progresses and she has a volitile episode. She said she is thinking of ending a perfectly good relationship over it.

I am committed and dedicated to her and learning I all can about BPD and supporting her continued healing. I am also dedicated to improving myself and how to be the best partner I can for her.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you overcome your partner's fear of hurting you in the future?

This is great that your girlfriend has been honest about her diagnosis and that she is attending therapy. I would also be interested to know what type of therapy she is getting because standard therapy / counselling is unlikely to help and can sometimes make things worse.

She is lucky to have someone so dedicated to supporting and learning about BPD and 'improving yourself to be the best partner for her'. I would encourage you to be aware of this though that you don't end up sacrificing yourself for the relationship and her difficulties. This is something I could see myself slipping into to prevent any more speed bumps. Although the speed bumps ended up being giant potholes!

Your girlfriend sounds like she knows herself well and that the reactions that come with BPD can cause a lot of pain to those close to her. So her fear is likely not irrational. She probably is going to have volatile episodes and say or do hurtful things. Have you asked her what a volatile episode usually looks like and how best you can navigate it when it does happen? The nature of BPD is a push / pull dynamic. It's the fearful avoidant attachment pattern - I want you close but when you get close I need to push you away.

My husband's fear wasn't expressed but I'm sure it was something he felt inside. I guess he dealt with it by marrying me in the hope that the legal connection would override any fear of hurting me and ultimately me leaving. If he'd have expressed that fear we would have had more to work with.

I really hope you can work through this together