Trouble giving my SO with BPD compliments

[BigMac]

I've been listening to an audio book on strengthening our relationship and one of the suggestions it has is giving my SO a compliment a day for a week. I know for a fact that Words of Affirmation are her love language but this is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I can be encouraging, show support, and I tell her multiple times a day that I love her. The times I try to go beyond that she'll hit me with a "tell me something else" and keep pushing me until I freeze up and it usually ends with both of us upset because, as she says, "you never say anything nice about me" and I end up feeling like I'm not good enough that I can't give her what she craves the most. Alternately, she'll say "you don't have to say that", which stings just as much.

Anyone have any tools to get through this kind of situation? All I've got is to not say much and I don't feel like that is good either.

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[Pook075]

For BPD, feelings equal facts. 

If I say, "Hey Big Mac, what do you like about me?"  You reply with, "I don't know, I guess you're a good enough person."  I'd probably laugh and think Mac just can't express his emotions.  But with your BPD partner, they'd hear that and think that you've never cared about them, you're just using them until someone better comes along, and you are verbally abusive.

So let's talk about why you love your partner.  Be vulnerable- what do you actually like about them?

- Are they kind, loyal, dependable?
- Are they thoughtful and considerate?
- Do they make any aspect your life easier?  If yes, what?
- Do they stand up for you to others?
- Do you have kids?  If so, how are they with the kids?
- Do they cook meals?  Clean the house?  Organize the pantry?
- Do they have a job?  Do they contribute to finances?
- Are they loving and affectionate?
- Is your partner good looking?  Does she dress well?  Does she turn heads?
- Does your partner show up for you when you need help?
- Does your partner do things for you 'just because'?

As you can see, there's a million things you can compliment someone over and it doesn't take that much thought to come up with a list of 5-10 things that you really appreciate.  For instance, my BPD ex was almost always smiling, always positive.  Her smile made me smile, even when I was having a bad day.  Another thing, if we ate somewhere and I really loved what we ordered, she'd try her best to re-make that at home.  Usually, the failed spectacularly...but she tried for me and that meant a lot.

Find a few things you genuinely appreciate, it's worth the time and effort.

[PearlsBefore]

They crave validation, so you can never go wrong with a "It's really impressive the way you...", fill in the blank, handled the phone call with her mother, got lunch prepared on short notice, didn't lose her temper at work, whatever. That should get you 1-2/week easily.

[CC43]

Hi BigMac,

This sort of thing is easy for me, but then again, maybe I've had the benefit of practice.  At first it might seem really hard, especially if your pwBPD seems to purposly be grumpy, testy, avoidant, argumentative or generally unhelpful.  That's when you might have to double down and really hunt for something positive to point out.  But it can be done, trust me.

Instead of starting with compliments about a person's essence, maybe focus on what they are doing.  One technique is to say Thanks for X, followed by something like, You're a wonderful spouse.  An example might be, Thanks for the coffee, I'm so lucky to have a husband who shows he cares.  The key is to mean it.  I say this sort of thing multiple times a day, for the simplest things:

Honey, thanks for taking out the garbage.  I appreciate that you manage the house so well.
Honey, thanks for fixing that squeaky hinge.  I'm lucky to have a husband who fixes things.
Darling, thanks for offering to get provisions at the store.  We don't need anything right now, but I appreciate that you asked / You're considerate / You're helpful.
Husband, thanks for changing the batteries in the remote.  You're great at noticing what needs to be done and taking care of it.
Dear, this grilled chicken is excellent.  I'm so lucky to have a Grill Master for a husband.
Your haircut looks great!  I'm lucky to have a husband who is well-groomed / handsome / who takes care of himself.
Thanks for the hug, you're so affectionate.
Thanks for making the bed nicely, I'm lucky to have such a considerate husband.

Anyway, I tend to focus on good deeds, no matter how small, and then tie that to personality traits to compliment--handiness, providing, attentiveness, skill, care, consideration, etc.  As a bonus, this approach increases the likelihood that the praised deeds are repeated.

Just my two cents.