Discarded after 2 months. Hit me hard.

[Konastufff]

Met a girl online about 2 months ago. Absolutely stunningly gorgeous and incredibly friendly. Judging by her photos, I saw we had some common interests. We got to chatting and instantly hit it off. Our conversations flowed like nothing I have ever experienced before. We talked daily for hours on end. She soon after beginning to talk told me about her diagnosis of BPD and BD2. She also explained how she is doing her best to manage it by attending counseling, seeing a psychologist, taking medication, doing dbt work, and attending other support groups such as al-anon to deal with her struggles with alcoholics in her life. Through all of her struggles, she is an incredibly well put together person.

She asked me if that made me hesitant at all explaining "thats a lot for me to drop on someone new, but I want to be transparent with you from the start". She also told me that I was completely justified if I felt like I wanted to end it there. I laid down some bou daries, but told her I wasnt going to run just because of her diagnosis. She was grateful that I didnt judge her solely on her diagnosis.

Upon our first meeting it was like nothing i ever experienced, she was so warm and passionate, treated me like I was a king. I was slightly hesitant at this point because I knew this was a red flag and possibly lovebombing. So after our weekend I told her I liked her, but I wished to take things slower moving forward. She actually agreed and said that was probably for the best.

Moving forward we got along so well. I know some of it can be pointed towards her mirroring me and love bombing, but some of it was just the fact that we genuinely clicked. She would tell me some of her interests and they would be things that I have not shared with her or anywhere on social media.

We began to see eachother more. Had a few disagreements about things, but she navigated them healthier than any other relationship ive ever been in. Even at times that she was overwhelmed she would tell me "im overwhelmed right now, can we come back to this in a moment", and she would always come back and bury the hatchet in a healthy way. Still I maintained my wish to go slow, which she understood, even though I knew she wanted more. She even joked "one day you'll have to actually make the move and make it offical".

The more weekends we spent together we began to realize we co-existed quite well. I was starting to contemplate taking the plunge and making it official. Things felt great, we got along flawlessly. Said that I was the first person who made her feel safe and secure, and the first person she felt like she could be herself around. She said she had never felt so seen before. Especially after having picked bad partners in the past.

Then last weekend she decided last minute to go out of town to visit family. During that weekend she withdrew and became quiet. I knew something was up. I even asked "are things okay with us?" To which she said "yes, im so sorry im just super busy".

Well we were supposed to see eachother this weekend amd she canceled. I called to ask what was up but she basically told me she was feeling overwhelmed. I asked if that meant things were ending between us to which she said "no, can we talk later".

Few hours later we texted a bit, but she explained she didnt have the space for the conversation, but wanted to give me clarity.

So this morning she finally texted me the reason, then we went to call. She said that she had talked to an elder at a thanksgiving party she was at about her struggles and they suggested she needed to heal. The elder asked her to attend a medicine circle the following day and explained that she is a healer, but she must first geal herself before she can heal others. This resonated woth her as she is a social worker, and genuinely has a big heart that wants to help people. In my short time with her I have never met someone that is so kind and compassionate to complete strangers. I truly believe she has a verk kind and nurturing soul. After talking with the elder, attending an al-anon meeting, and having time to reflect she realized that she had moved to fast and that she was feeling like she was taking on too much. She said she still feels a strong connection, but not in an intimate way at this moment. She said she needed to take a step back and not date. She said that she has spent her whole life worried and caring about others, but has never taken the time to truly love and give into herself.

I was shocked and hurt, but I did understand. I thanked her for being transparent with me. Told her that I want her to do what she has to do to be happy and thrive in life, and while its not how i wanted things to go, I accept that is the reality of the matter. I then asked if she finds herself in a better spot in the future and that we are still single, if she would like to try again. She said "maybe, i dont know. I dont have that answer right now". She said that she removed me from social media because seeing my face would be too much and bring her back in. She said "this feels like a breakup". I told her it absolutely feels like a breakup to me, even though we didnt have a label yet".

I reassured her that while I was hurt and my intentions to form a relationship were true, that my emotions weren't hers to manage. I told her I didn't want her to carry guilt about her decision. I gave her words of affirmation that I know resonated with her, judging by the cracks in her voice. 

I asked where we go from here, whether or not we stay in touch. She said "no, no contact right now". Everything is asked about with the future in was met with "I dont know, maybe, possibly, ect.). That included my question about a future relationship and about me adding her back on social media eventually.
When I said "i dont think i plan on dating fir a while, and im assuming from what you said, you arent either", she responded with "I dont know, I sure hope not, because damn i need to heal".

I asked what she wanted me to do with her things. I offered to hold onto them and keep them safe for now. She thanked me and said "maybe when im up at my sisters I can come grab them". This is still not logistically ideal since she lives 4.5 hours from me and her sister lives 3 hours from me.

So from there we wished eachother the best. Talked about me keeping her things until she is able to get them (which is tough because there is some distance). Then she expressed her wish to not be in communication for the time being. I accepted and told her that if she ever needs to reach out to talk, or is in crisis, that she is more than welcome.

She thanked me for being so kind and understanding, and told me she had never experienced that in the end of a relationship before.

I sent her a final message reiterating how I felt. She responded with "thanks you, I will keep in touch about my things".

I am honestly a little heart broken, I did see a future together, but I also am glad this happened before we continued to have deeper feelings. Its just hard for me at the moment. I feel like i connected deeper woth her than I have in any of my long term relationships. And she expressed the same sentiment.

What do you all think of this? She seemed to be pretty good at managing her symptoms and had the awareness to end the relationship before things got more confusing.

Was this a split? Did she just become overwhelmed with the positive feelings and ended it before she felt like she could be abandoned, or do you think she is genuinely focused on her healing journey.

I also am curious if any of you think she will be back, and if so, in what capacity?

Im just genuinely shocked, hurt and blindsided by how quickly this all went down.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rowdy]

Hi and welcome. I am new to this site too, and learning about bpd and behaviour patterns so others will be able to offer better advice or thoughts on your situation, especially as my own situation is very different to yours, but I know it can be a little frustrating to write down your story and get things off your chest and not get much response so I’ll try and get the ball rolling.

My first thoughts are, at least you do seem to have a little bit of a head start in the fact that she has openly discussed her diagnosis, the fact that she is self aware enough to even get that diagnosis, and is actively seeking support for it. Many of us are not afforded that luxury. I know this is of no comfort to you at the moment, but it does mean that without a doubt you know that you are, or have been dealing with someone that has disordered behaviour traits.

Secondly, it is impossible for any of us to answer your questions with any certainty, as everyone is different, and most of us on here are ‘normal’ and don’t understand the dysregulated behaviours and thoughts of a pwbpd. Nor do any one of us want to give you false hope.

My own thoughts on your situation. It was a relatively short relationship, and the both of you would have still been going through the honeymoon period, the idealisation phase, so you won’t have experienced any or many of the darker behaviour traits of a pwbpd. This is not to say they would have been as bad as many experience as she is actively getting help for her diagnosis.

It is quite possible that you will here from her again, especially as you have not appeared to have been through a devaluation phase, and from what you have written it seems like your relationship has been one of the more positive relationships that she has experienced. Again, not wanting to get your hopes up.
She is right though, you should not have any contact. This would be your best shot at her returning, if you chase her it will more likely push her away than attract her to you.

One thing I read recently that kind of makes sense, is to imagine they are a cat. If you chase a cat because you want to stroke it, it is more than likely to run from you. If you want to stroke a cat it is better to let it approach you on its own terms.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi, and welcome.

From what you've written, your girl seems to be very well adjusted, even though she has BPD.  Many with the illness will deny there's anything wrong with them, refuse to seek help or, if they did see a therapist, give up after 2 weeks claiming 'I'm cured'.  The fact that your girl knows she has problems and is actively trying to fix them is a good sign.

Just reading what you wrote, I'm wondering what effect this 'elder' could be having upon her though.. are they actively telling her to stay away from you to 'heal'?  They could have good intentions but I'm always wary of how easily people can be influenced by those who say they want to help. Just my thoughts.

She's definitely worth staying with so I'd still try and keep some contact, without upsetting her boundaries at the moment. Just let her know you're still there for whenever she decides to come to you.

Best wishes.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Kona -

Welcome.  And I hope you come back to the site.

I see some things a little differently sometimes.  But maybe there are some things aside from her *needing to heal* or outside words from an elder that contributed to this breakdown.

I am very sorry that you’re hurting.

First, I don’t believe this is what we’d describe as a “split”.  Those are normally more black and white thinking, may be louder in nature, contain some villainizing words and paint you as the “cause” of the discard.  Your exGF (for lack of a “label”) did not reportedly do those things.  She took responsibility for this need for space.

You don’t say your ages or whether you or your ex have jobs, attend university; however she does engage in ongoing therapy, DBT, Al-anon, medication therapy, etc in actively working toward healing and managing her conditions/background.  And this is a long distance relationship - a 4.5 -hour drive (9 hours round trip, right?) taken most weekends.  Did you and she alternate the driving to see one another?  LDR’s are difficult at times.

When someone is as actively engaged in therapy work as she is, that therapy doesn’t stop when a session or meeting ends or a workbook page is turned.  The thoughts are pervasive.  And having a supportive partner who truly understands, or is working to understand, what’s involved is important.  That provides a ton of validation for the person engaging in the healing work.  I’m wondering what level of openness there was between you regarding these therapeutic activities. 

I do understand this was a very new relationship.  Deep and true emotional intimacy comes with time, so maybe the two of you had not yet built that level of trust.  If you don’t go in, you can’t find out.

You stated that when she disclosed her BPD and BD2 diagnoses to you, you “laid down some boundaries”…  “she was grateful that I didn’t judge her based solely on her diagnosis”. 

Can you specify What those *boundaries* were? 
Did you have prior relationships with people who shared diagnoses of BPD and/or BD2 that informed you of how to communicate your needs in this area? 
Or did she communicate negative tendencies from her past that led you to communicate what your boundaries would be?
In response, was she able to openly express what she needed from you?

Kona - I do have more to say…actually the important stuff that I believe may have been more key to the reasons for your relationship taking the turn it did.

She seems very intuitive and many people who are engaged in this healing work and develop self-awareness do sense what’s behind things… the doubts of others can play a role in their decisions.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Konastufff]

Well here we are 2 months later, and I am far more confused now than I was before.

After my post I had started to become suspicious of the circumstances of her out of town trip. In the week leading to the breakup, she told me she had recieved a message from a guy she knew, asking her to attend a party out of town with her. She told me she said no and blocked him. At the time i thought nothing of it. I am now fairly certain her actual reason for leaving town wasnt to spend time with family, but instead see him. This is based on names not lining up and what followed.

A few days after my post she messaged me asking if I could meet her to give her back some of the things I had of hers as she was coming through a city near me a few hour drive for me. I accepted. We called to work out our plans, but she seemed distant on the phone. When I arrived in the city the next day, she had pushed the meeting time back 3 times, and I waited an extra 2 hours for her to show up. When she arrived, she had another man with her (the guy i believe invited her to the party, we'll call him "C"). We got to talking amd she seemed a bit off, almost dissociated. I told her I wanted to talk, but I knew she likely wasnt in the spot for it right now. She agreed by saying that she was going through a lot, but she would call me in a day or so. I told her only if she feels ready, and to take time to heal first. I then  gave her some words of affirmation. This caused her to say "You're going to make me cry, and I really dont want to cry today".

I then began returning her things. She spotted the water bottle she bought for me and asked if she could take it. I told her sure and she said "okay, ill take it for now. But I'll probably give it back to you one day, i think I will". We then exchanged a few more noce words, and I expressed ny hope to hear from her again, and maybe try again when shes in a better spot. She said "thankyou and sounds good. She then said "I'll give you a hug" and proceeded to hug me.

We both got in our vehicles to leave. The guy then rolled down his window and told me "She doesn't ever want to hear from you again, so don't bother texting her. Leave her alone". I said "F*cking pardon me?" And he said "you f*cking heard me" and she hit the gas and drove off. I was it utter disbelief. I texted her essentially saying that "im not sure if thats how you feel, but that was completely unnecessary. If you didnt want to talk, then just say so. I tired to do something nice by driving 100s of km to bring you your stuff". He replied from her phone a bunch of nasty things and telling me to lose her number and he doesnt care what njce things I did. I simply didnt respond. By the time I got home, I was blocked on social media.

1 week later she reached out to apologize. Saying it was out of pocket and that she freaked out and needed time to process what happened. I accepted her apology. She then justified it by saying she felt unsafe because i was being pushy and she just wanted to get her things and leave, and the other guy made her feel safe. She then said she regretted it and wished it didnt go that way, but we all have things to process. I said that im sorry you felt that way, but that is not what i was trying to do. Then she asks there's things you wanted to ask me? I asked about who the guy was and she proceeded to ghost me.

About a week or so later she messaged me again asking if we could talk, and if I had the capacity to hold space for her. I told her yes. She then proceeded to say "I felt like I ended things so abruptly because I was totally distracted and didnt have clarity with what was going on". I agreed that it was abrupt, but I had to go to bed and would talk to her later. She responded warmly in the morning saying "thank you " and "let's me know when youre available". I told her I would message when I got home from work, which is what I did. I was then ghosted again.

I reached out a few days later simply saying I was still available to talk of she wanted and wished her well. She responded a few days later by saying "thanks for your kind words, but I want to put everything between us in the past. Im seeing someone and wanted to embody my loyalty and respect. I hope you understand.". I simply replied with "understood, appreciate you being honest. Take care".

So I thought that was it. Then just 2 days later she messaged me asking if I could do her a favour. I asked what it was and she said "im with my ex because of my sh*t and hes drunk. He thinks your "C". I dont even know who "C" is?". (Now this is her ex before me that was abusive towards her, she even told me she had a restraining order against him). I said "I'm not even sure who "C" is, I have my suspicions. What exactly are you asking of me?".
She then said "can you pretend to be "C"?". I told her no. I would not be willing to get between her and her other relationships. She can come to me in crisis or if she wants to talk, but I will not engage in that. She then simply responded with bye.
Minutes later she called me and I did not answer. She immediately called again and I picked up. She said "can you tell "A" that we are not seeing eachother?". I told him we are not seeing eachother. He then asked "whats his last name?" She then asked me the same question (she knows my last name, so at least she was protecting my identity). He then proceeded to tell me he would find me and hung up. Im not too worried about that part as there is significant distance between me and him, and he doesnt know where I live, nor does she as she ne er came to my home.

So now one week after that, I noticed she unblocked me on facebook as her contact popped back up on messenger.
I'm not really sure what to take away from all of this. In the week leading up to the breakup she really started to seem dysregulated and manic. She had recently been put on an ssri without a mood stabilizer, and she even told me she feared it was going to cause her to go into a manic episode (as she is also bipolar and ssri without a mood stabilizer can cause mania). She however would have started a mood stabilizer somewhere around 6 weeks ago, as her doctor planned.

I dont know if a manic episode played a part in all of this? She seemed so well regulated until that final week, and now it just seems like she spiraled. She never reached out after unblocking me, which was a few weeks ago. So I'm hoping she is maybe finding some stability.

But why unblock me when she seemed to want to put everything in the past?

[Rowdy]

Actions speak louder than words.
I am afraid with a borderline you can not trust their words, so it’s their actions that tell you who they really are. Your gut will tell you who they are, listen to it.

What she is doing is triangulation. I’m willing to bet that she monkey branches between men and the contact with you is to keep you dangling so she has got options.

I don’t know your circumstances, but to me it seems you are fairly young with much of your life ahead of you. I’m 50, and spent most of my adult life with my wife up until 2 years ago. I had no knowledge of bpd until this year, and know that I missed many red flags. Sure I had friends and family that would tell me she is off her head, but I had no one with knowledge of the disorder telling me in depth the behaviour patterns and what to expect. You have that knowledge and wisdom in front of you.

There are women out there that aren’t dysregulated. They will stay if they love you, that won’t play games. I know it’s hard, but as I said before, 2 months spent in a relationship is no time at all, and in time you will see it for what it was. A lesson, and a valuable one.

My wife, my ex, has literally just come in from taking our dogs out on a walk. When she came in, having just backed her car on my drive to let the dogs out, she started moaning about a lady that was walking past my house with two dogs, and started telling me what she thought was going on in this ladies head, how she believed the way she was looking at her meant she thought she could read this ladies mind. She then said she had to go to work, because she got [insert clients name] coming in and she is a miserable c**t. So when she gets to work, this client that pays her wages that has been painted black will be given all the smiles and fake bullsh*t from my ex.
She left and I said to myself out loud, well I don’t miss that.

What I’m trying to say is, when you see her for who she really is by her actions and not her words, you won’t miss her any more.

[Under The Bridge]

Actions speak louder than words.
I am afraid with a borderline you can not trust their words, so it’s their actions that tell you who they really are.

100%. The BPD person has no idea what they're going to say - or do - in the next 10 seconds so how can we ever have trust? All we can ever have is hope but that's no way to live a relationship. We need commitment and trust.

When I first commented on your post I was hoping you'd write later that things were still going well; she knew she had a problem (which most BPD will never admit to) but seemed able to cope with to a degree and you were accepting of this and willing to work with her. As BPD relationships go, this sounded hopefully more positive

However, the BPD pattern will always emerge eventually, despite her best intentions. Everything she's now doing is BPD scripted; being overwhelmed, drawing back, the insecurity.. then, thinking she can change this, she finds someone new.. then her insecurity in that relationship leads her back to you. She doesn't know what or who she wants from one day to the next.  The BPD roundabout has now begun and everyone is riding it.

I can only echo what Rowdy has said - it's up to you how long you want to persevere but after only a few months it may be better to end it and put it down to experience. What you're seeing now is how things will always be - you need to decide if you want to stay part of it and could handle years of it.  I had four years of it and truly wish I'd bailed after a few months, but I kept on chasing her and suffered even more emotional damage as she never changed.

[Pook075]

We both got in our vehicles to leave. The guy then rolled down his window and told me "She doesn't ever want to hear from you again, so don't bother texting her. Leave her alone". I said "F*cking pardon me?" And he said "you f*cking heard me" and she hit the gas and drove off. I was it utter disbelief.

Remember when you said that she originally felt like you were the only nice guy she's ever dated?  Her current boyfriend was told the same thing...and so were the guys she dated before you.

BPDs have to be the victim in their own story, so they often tell how others have mistreated them and how terrible life is.  It's true in a way because they're mentally ill and life feels really tough quite often.  It's also unfair to you and others though because it paints a jaded picture.

As others have said, she unblocked you in the moment to see what you've been up to.  It was nothing more than that because so much is done impulsively.  Don't focus on that too hard.

[Rowdy]

Remember when you said that she originally felt like you were the only nice guy she's ever dated?  Her current boyfriend was told the same thing...and so were the guys she dated before you.

BPDs have to be the victim in their own story, so they often tell how others have mistreated them and how terrible life is.  It's true in a way because they're mentally ill and life feels really tough quite often.  It's also unfair to you and others though because it paints a jaded picture.

As others have said, she unblocked you in the moment to see what you've been up to.  It was nothing more than that because so much is done impulsively.  Don't focus on that too hard.

Yes, this is something I left off my post. The way she treated you……. Well that’s the way it is going to go for the guy that is so cock sure that he is her new saviour. He isn’t. You are not. The only person that can save her is her.

My wife said of her current boyfriend, he really gets me and understands me. This was while she was still sleeping with me behind his back…… classic triangulation. Of course it was falling for it too, but he had been fed all the bullsh*t. After one time sleeping with her she said to me I can tell him if I want, he will believe her. Which told me she is more than willing to lie through her teeth. Needless to say I messaged him and told him, and received a response from him saying I had slept with someone behind her back, which was fabricated nonsense from her to feed the narrative that her ex was bad, and he is her saviour.