BPD thwarts understanding of their own issues?

[mssalty]

My PWBPD is going to counseling for other issues and has seen many different people.  They don’t understand why their issues aren’t improving. 

What I’ve noticed is that when the issues are talked about, they tend to want to justify their feelings and issues rather than tackle them.  Rather than understand what’s going on, they take the therapy itself as worthless because ultimately the problem can’t be internal to them or their thinking.  It has to have an external cause.   

When they ask me for opinions and help, they are rejected if I broach the idea that there may be flawed thinking involved. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Under The Bridge]

Rather than understand what’s going on, they take the therapy itself as worthless because ultimately the problem can’t be internal to them or their thinking.  It has to have an external cause.

That's 100% the whole problem isn't it? If they think they're never at fault or the main contributors to the chaos it's impossible to get them to change their thoughts. My exBPD would never have gone to any kind of therapy because, in her own often-used words, she was doing nothing wrong while the whole world shi**ed on her all the time.

Trying to explain that the entire world can't be against her and she is the common denominator in all the life-long chaos with her family, workplace, friends, previous partners and me was just impossible.

Yet having said all that, some posters here say that their partner has actually acknowledged they have a problem and taken some responsibility. All well and good but of course once the BPD kicks in full flow they're back to their 'never at fault' thinking.

I hope things do improve for you, it's such a powerless feeling when we can't get through to them and make them see.

[Pook075]

I agree competely with Under.  There's no "honest" answer here to give to that type of question. 

It makes me think of when my wife asks me, "Do this dress make me look fat?"  I have a clear, instant answer that I can give and if she looks great, I tell her.  But what if she doesn't?  What's the "real" answer she's looking for?  That's too much thinking for me and I always say that it looks just fine, regardless.

A BPD will improve once they're ready to look within.  From our group expeirences, I think that only happens when life gets so utterly terrible, getting help actually feels like the best option.  Until then, therapy is used as a sounding board to talk endlessly about the lousy people in their live and how nobody supports them emotionally.

So in a way, your BPD person is right- the therapy is basically worthless until they actually want to contribute.  But even then, they get to talk out their problems and it makes them feel somewhat better.  That's some value at least.

[mssalty]

The worst part is that they constantly want my help and when I try to honestly help, even in ways sensitive to their own fragile thought process, I immediately get stopped, talked over, or hear a “yeah, but”.   

They want my help, but the reality is they want validation of the very things they claim to want to try to get over. 

[Pook075]

The worst part is that they constantly want my help and when I try to honestly help, even in ways sensitive to their own fragile thought process, I immediately get stopped, talked over, or hear a “yeah, but”.   

They want my help, but the reality is they want validation of the very things they claim to want to try to get over. 

Think about it this way.  If I say to you, "Help me lose weight," there's many ways you can respond.  And I think the only way you give an appropriate answer is to think about, "Why's he asking the question to begin with?"

When you're asked for help, your BPD is looking for understanding first and foremost.  And you should be able to give that since you know what it's like to feel frustrated or stressed.

And I get it, focusing on "feelings" doesn't actually solve the problem.  It makes them feel better in the moment.  But what if the actual problem, why they're ranting on and on about their terrible life, is the perspective they have from their feelings? 

Then you can give a great bit of help just listening and showing compassion.

It's very easy to want to fix someone else's problems by telling them everything they're doing wrong.  Even without the mental illness aspect, what we say can do more harm than good if we're not careful with our words and intentions.  And I'm not saying that you're doing that, but try to keep that in perspective anyway.  Dealing with BPD is a marathon, not a sprint.