How to enforce boundaries when living together ???

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all !

I have read a lot about boundaries, but I got to the conclusion that they can't work in a marital setting, especially when you have kids and you work from home. Because you, your kids, and your personal stuff are always there, available for whatever type of abuse your partner wants to engage in. So the BPD partner, while still angry, may just take pleasure in walking all over you, and that may keep going for many days until their anger finally subsides.

Let's review a basic definition of how to enforce boundaries:

To enforce boundaries, you must clearly define your limits, communicate them directly and calmly using "I" statements, and then consistently follow through with actions (consequences) when they're crossed, showing you mean it through your behavior, not just words, by disengaging, changing the subject, or limiting contact if necessary, to teach others how to treat you respectfully.

You can see how the definition above won't work, right? I mean, you're in the same house, sharing resources, and coparenting the kids, so contact is unavoidable. You can completely disengage from the partner during the raging out, but that will most likely ensure that they will keep dysregulated for a long time. Because they want a resolution of something, even if it's unclear to you what they want.

So I think the literature is weak, as it focuses too much on the communication but not on the enforcement and ignores the consequences, which is the most important part. Because what makes the boundary work are the consequences, right?

So let me ask a practical question. Let's suppose my wife has severely violated my boundary. She has screamed badmouthing me while keeping our door open, making sure neighbors from all other apartments will hear her. But this is part of an abusive behavior that only happens when she is dysregulated, so it's pointless to talk it out at the moment. I need to wait for her to switch into a normal temper before even attempting to talk about it. More than that, I need to wait until she is clearly trying to reconnect with me.

Finally, I succeed in talking to her about it. Because of her very rigid thoughts, she remains silent while I talk, showing some contempt. I'm ok with her silence, because I know she will defend her behavior if she talks. So she is just avoiding a peacebreaker. But then, I have to communicate to her the consequence. What should it be?

The only thing that crosses my mind is to step back from the intimate relationship (not cuddle together). But if that has already been done, then the next consequence might be to not touch her. If that's also already implemented, then perhaps not even talk to her like friends. And if that is still not enough, then it's time for separation and probably moving out.

Is that how we are supposed to make the BPD partners respect our boundaries?

If yes, then once the boundary is in place, how long should it last? Should it have a predetermined duration, such as one month? Should it last forever if the boundary violation keeps happening?

[SuperDaddy]

Hi all !

I have read a lot about boundaries, but I got to the conclusion that they can't work in a marital setting, especially when you have kids and you work from home. Because you, your kids, and your personal stuff are always there, available for whatever type of abuse your partner wants to engage in. So the BPD partner, while still angry, may just take pleasure in walking all over you, and that may keep going for many days until their anger finally subsides.

Let's review a basic definition of how to enforce boundaries:

To enforce boundaries, you must clearly define your limits, communicate them directly and calmly using "I" statements, and then consistently follow through with actions (consequences) when they're crossed, showing you mean it through your behavior, not just words, by disengaging, changing the subject, or limiting contact if necessary, to teach others how to treat you respectfully.

You can see how the definition above won't work, right? I mean, you're in the same house, sharing resources, and coparenting the kids, so contact is unavoidable. You can completely disengage from the partner during the raging out, but that will most likely ensure that they will keep dysregulated for a long time. Because they want a resolution of something, even if it's unclear to you what they want.

So I think the literature is weak, as it focuses too much on the communication but not on the enforcement and ignores the consequences, which is the most important part. Because what makes the boundary work are the consequences, right?

So let me ask a practical question. Let's suppose my wife has severely violated my boundary. She has screamed badmouthing me while keeping our door open, making sure neighbors from all other apartments will hear her. But this is part of an abusive behavior that only happens when she is dysregulated, so it's pointless to talk it out at the moment. I need to wait for her to switch into a normal temper before even attempting to talk about it. More than that, I need to wait until she is clearly trying to reconnect with me.

Finally, I succeed in talking to her about it. Because of her very rigid thoughts, she remains silent while I talk, showing some contempt. I'm ok with her silence, because I know she will defend her behavior if she talks. So she is just avoiding a peacebreaker. But then, I have to communicate to her the consequence. What should it be?

The only thing that crosses my mind is to step back from the intimate relationship (not cuddle together). But if that has already been done, then the next consequence might be to not touch her. If that's also already implemented, then perhaps not even talk to her like friends. And if that is still not enough, then it's time for separation and probably moving out.

Is that how we are supposed to make the BPD partners respect our boundaries?

If yes, then once the boundary is in place, how long should it last? Should it have a predetermined duration, such as one month? Should it last forever if the boundary violation keeps happening?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

Is that how we are supposed to make the BPD partners respect our boundaries?

If yes, then once the boundary is in place, how long should it last? Should it have a predetermined duration, such as one month? Should it last forever if the boundary violation keeps happening?

A boundary is for you, made by you, and has nothing to do with anyone else.

For instance, I hate anchovies.  You and I are at dinner and you say, "Try the anchovies."  I say no thanks.  You try to persuade me in a variety of ways, but the bottom line is that I have already chosen before the conversation even started.  I'm doing the thing that's best for me.

A boundary within your home could be to stop arguing completely.  If your spouse begins to yell, step one should always be to try calming her down.  She's dysregulated and her words don't necessarily match her feelings, so you show compassion and understanding instead of arguing back.

Let's say that doesn't work.  Step two would be to withdraw.  This is just like the anchovies...I'm not doing it no matter what...so if I can't de-escalate the situation with words, I'll do it with action.  Maybe I go for a walk around the neighborhood, maybe I say I'm going to visit family for a few days; I'll do whatever I have to do in order to avoid a direct confrontation.  Again though, just like in step one I'm doing it with compassion and patience.

Let's say that doesn't work either and the situation turns violent as I try to leave.  Now I'm looking for outside intervention, possibly even calling 9-1-1 if necessary to seek an involuntary hold for a psych evaluation.  Even if things go this far though, I'm still doing everything I can with love and empathy. 

In other words, this isn't a punishment, it's a compassionate response to help someone that's suffering from mental illness.

As you enforce boundaries over time, it becomes very clear and predictable that arguing, threats, and violence will lead to very predictable results.  One of two things will happen at that point; the relationship fails or the pattern of communication changes in positive ways. 

Again though, and I can't say this enough, BPD dysfunction stems from the fear of abandonment.  Showing love and compassion while strengthening the relationship builds trust and allows the person to calm down and refocus.  That should always be the goal, to actually help them through loving them.