UPWBPD in a much better phase but still can not take any critisism

[olafinski]

Hi, 20 y in marriage with a UPWBPD. Entering perimenopause my wife is much better and doesnt have tantrums and big episodes anymore at all. It started to grt better when she discovered a link between her digestion and state of mind and started to supplement for nerve calming.
The problem is that she still can not take any form of critisicm and reacts wildly to it. It is especially the problem
in upbringing of our 16 yo son. I learned to accept her and stick to her side in this respect but sometimes after our son leaves after our discussion together I try to discuss with her some simple issues that I have with her parental
position and this creates havoc.
So right now, at a very sensitive age for our son, I am basically forced to stat silent. As a parent she is mostly really good, a special education teacher working with kids for 25 years, but as a person she has grown in a family of really kind people
but totally afraid of virtually everything. Because of this she has very little self confidence and that has blocked her all of
her life.
I am totally opposite, self realized, big career and travelled a lot. I am not an adventurer and adrenalin seaker, quite the opposite, but I have great self confidence and am not afraid of life.
I am trying really hard to somehow raise our boy in this respect but its really hard because she paints a totally bleak picture of the world. when we talk about it she is saying that our job is not to present the beauties of the world because that is for him to discover, but to do this he must stay safe.
Sound good in theory but in practice it produces people that are blocked inside their little world, afraid of everything.
Any advice is really cherished, dont know what to do.

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[zachira]

My father was in a similar position with my mother who had BPD and with me when I was a teenager. What kind of conflicts does your son have with his mother? Does he voice his opinions or remain silent? A moment that was very damaging to my self esteem and impaired my becoming a healthy adult, was when my father took me aside when I was around 16 and told me he could do nothing about my mother, that she had refused to seek help for her mental health problems. He made it clear he did not want me to voice my needs and opinions. Do discuss with your son the problems with his mother and let him know none of it is his fault, that his feelings, ideas, and opinions are important. Now is the time for him to gradually transition to becoming an adult in his own right, not to take care of his mentally ill mother. Perhaps you could find some counseling for him.

[Notwendy]

One of the main concepts taught to people in therapy, 12 steps, basically anyone in an enabler position, or in a relationship with a disordered person (I am including this as many posters don't identify with the concept of co-dependency but are still in a relationship with someone with BPD) is this: we can not change another person and we need to not expect people to be different from who they are.

Many people, even non disordered people, don't respond well to criticism. It's invalidating. For someone with BPD, it's extremely invalidating, and can even cause them to dissociate. It's not going to work and its not going to help the situation.

It seems your wife has made improvement and also seems to be capable of parenting- not in all the ways you want her to be or wish she would be, but she probably can not change her inner "wiring" and how she perceives the world. Being critical of this is similar to being critical of her eye color, or height. It's a part of who she is. It may possibly be improved on but that could take a lot of intense therapy and she would need to be highly motivated to do so. At 16, it's more likely your son would reach adulthood and be out of the house sooner.

Children learn from both parents and they learn a lot from what you do, in addition to what you say. Your son has both of you as role models. IMHO the best intervention to expose your son to your outlook is to spend as much time as you can with him, doing the things that you enjoy. Introduce him to your career, (not with the pressure to enter the same one) but your enjoyment, pursuit, dedication to it, your hobbies, interests.

My parents were different people and I learned from each of them. As difficult as it is to hear or lean as a teen that a father can't or won't do anything about a BPD mother, in my situation, I think it was true. He couldn't and other people couldn't either. What mediated this for me was time with my father and also his family members who were mothers and who were different from mine. I also agree with Zachira's suggestion for counseling for your son if he's willing. When he ventures out into the world as a young adult- you are still his father. He will be influenced by both parents.

[olafinski]

Thanks so much!
I am doing mostly what both of you suggested.
Since he was 13 Ilwe began to talk in private about his moms “weird brain wiring”, not mentioning any medical terms which would compell him to google it.
I think he will be ok. The worst part for me is that I think he will
be motivated to move away from us much sooner than I would want him to. Also I find it heart breaking that I wont be able to be the parent figure I wanted to be as a father.
But I guess thats life. Like in a joke, how can you male God laugh? Just tell hom your plans.

[Notwendy]

Thanks so much!
The worst part for me is that I think he will
be motivated to move away from us much sooner than I would want him to. Also I find it heart breaking that I wont be able to be the parent figure I wanted to be as a father.
But I guess thats life. Like in a joke, how can you male God laugh? Just tell hom your plans.

If your son has the courage and self drive to move far away, it means your job of raising him without constraints was successful. From the parent perspective, this is difficult. I've been through that too.

However, I will affirm that your role as a father will still be important. Maybe not in the short run. Sometimes young people will push parents to the side when they differentiate from them, but - as they mature, they don't need to do this as much.

Also, your son may have a different relationship with each parent. In adulthood, it becomes more of an equal one between both people and depends on each person's ability to have a relationship. My mother's ability was limited by her BPD. For my father, we had more of a bond, however, I also realize that his ability also was influenced by his marriage and my BPD mother's needs but in general it was more like a normal one.

At 16, I wanted to get away from the situation at home and college was the way to do that but that didn't mean I didn't want or need contact with my parents. Your relationship with your son will change and he won't need you in the same way but he will still need you as his father and you will still have opportunities to build on the relationship you have now. Few kids are financially independent or fully emotionally mature at 18. Your support, including emotional support, is important.

[CC43]

I am totally opposite, self realized, big career and travelled a lot. I am not an adventurer and adrenalin seaker, quite the opposite, but I have great self confidence and am not afraid of life.
I am trying really hard to somehow raise our boy in this respect but its really hard because she paints a totally bleak picture of the world.

Well it's wonderful that your son has a dad like you.  Surely he sees in you somebody who went out and made life happen.  You can hope your son will take after you that way.

One thing you might try to nurture in your son is a growth mindset, instead of a "scarcity" mindset that your wife harbors.  I can't help but think of a quote in Little Miss Sunshine:  "You know what a loser is?  A loser is somebody who's so afraid of not winning they don't even try."  So for me, the outcome is less important than the consistent effort.  Adulthood is about taking responsibility for your life and making things happen, which requires effort, day after day, week after week.  The great part is, you have complete control over your effort, unlike many other things in life.  If you think about potentially "scary" situations, maybe you work out, what's the worst that could happen?  Getting fired?  So what.  If you get fired, you reflect, try to learn from it, move on and start looking for another job.  Chances are you might get an even better one.  Fail a test?  So what.  You study harder, get some tutoring, retake the test, or maybe redouble efforts on subjects that are more suited to your interests and abilities.  Like Churchill supposedly stated, "Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."  Failure is an excellent teacher.  Not only that, but it signals you're shooting high.  Since you're a successful guy, I'm sure you get what I mean here.  I think most successful people are exactly where they are because they don't let little setbacks derail them, and instead learn from them.  That would include a difficult childhood or growing up with a disordered family member.

My guess is your son will be more like you, because it's way more fun to have an optimistic, growth-oriented mindset.  With whom would you rather hang out:  Tigger or Eeyore?  I think most people, including your son, would pick Tigger.

As for BPD, that's why I think the worst part about it is the victim mindset.  Blaming other people all the time and feeling victimized at every turn basically renders a pwBPD powerless.  I think of it as a sort of learned helplessness.  How awful it would be to feel powerless, insecure, incapable in everything important in life, blaming others, feeling dependent and needy, feeling aggrieved all the time, giving up before trying.  What a drag.