She needs me to be broken, so she can feel needed (I think)

[MovieMan]

Ok, so I had a bit of a lightbulb moment today, but I need to check whether it's something someone else has experienced before I call it a legit lightbulb moment. I will also discuss it with my therapist when he is back from leave to see whether it holds water.

So my BPD wife of 23 years has always regarded herself as someone with immense instincts for healing others, and to be fair, she really does. Without any formal training, her understanding of the human body and what it needs in terms of supplementation is off the charts.  She has helped so many of our friends and family in this way. Truly made a difference in lives. And that is golden and beautiful.

But, I've been suspecting that it has a dark side, and that it is something she uses to control our relationship in order to feel safe and needed.

I had a very traumatic childhood, and have been very broken for most of my life, and she has always been there and helped and supported me. For which I am so grateful, and it's also one of the reasons I truly want to find ways to do the same for her.

But the challenge I face is as follows:

I have made significant strides over the last few years, and have healed so much, and the timeline of my improvement correlates perfectly with her sudden and intense research into proving that I am a narcissist.
Ever since I learnt about BPD, I can now look back and see the patterns so clearly, but over the past few years, they have intensified massively. So much so that her arguments are now almost a daily occurrence.

Now, I suspect that it is because I am healing, and her trauma is feeling that I will no longer need her, because it thinks, all I want from her, is the healing part. And because I am so much better, she has become so much worse. 
I suspect that her theory of my narcissism is something her BPD is creating in order to give me a permanent affliction, now that my childhood trauma is healing.

But like I said, this is just a theory that popped up today and I wont put any solid acceptance behind it until it's confirmed by my therapist.

Any comments will be appreciated.

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[Alex V]

Hi Movieman,

I recognize a lot in what you say.

I have changed a lot in the last 10 years. Done a lot of self-development. I have become less of a perfectionist and more relaxed. Developed much more self-confidence and where I used to worry about things, I now often think "it will be okay". I also started to make my own plan more often. In the past, I wouldn't have done activities that interest me if my wife didn't want to participate. In recent years I have said to her more and more often: "too bad, but I'll go / do it anyway".

My wife left me without telling me why. What she did say is that she feels small. Financially dependent. Anxious. Has mood swings. Alone. Not happy. Unsafe. That she can't set boundaries and lets her bounderies be crossed. That I cross her boundaries (which she does not indicate). Projects her emotions 
She said all this between the lines. Not as a reason why she wants to leave. I find that difficult to understand. I get the feeling that she knows but can't name it. I think she actually walks away from her mirror (me).

I think there are a whole bunch of reasons why she feels the way she does.
Menopause. Children who become more independent. Physical discomfort (hip), No job. Moving to the countryside. COVID. And I who have started to adapt less to her compulsion. Started pleasing less.

All in all, I am now more often in a state that I also think I don't want to continue with her. I see our relationship as a watering can and bucket. I am the watering can and she is the bucket. I always fill the bucket to keep my wife happy and calm (avoidance behavior?). Unfortunately, the bucket is leaking. I have to keep pouring. Only I have changed. I may have started to throw less water in the bucket. And another unfortunately. The bucket is leaking and the holes are getting bigger. And now I don't have enough water to keep the level in the bucket up. The bottom has been reached. I can no longer conform to her wishes. I have changed too much to put myself in place 2 and no longer want to take responsibility for her feelings.

Back to you.
I think you can learn a lot on this site how to get the situation more stable again. If you are willing to do so. That requires adjustment from you and maybe your wife is also willing to adapt.
I still love my wife, but I can't stand her behavior anymore. I'm no longer willing.

I wish you a lot of wisdom. I hope you find a way.

[Alex V]

Additionally.
In the past I have had a feeling I had to be broken to the ground before our relationship could be build up again. But she can't take me to that level anymore. So she has to leave?

[Rowdy]

My wife was the same, her understanding of the body, how she could read her own body and her ability to be able to tell if someone she knew had a serious underlying illness was quite uncanny.

I was quite ill once, nearly 15 years ago. I had a sudden collapsed lung and was taken to hospital by ambulance while my wife was out hiking with her mother. I was in a pretty bad way and was in hospital for a month, but the first time she came into the hospital gave me such a torrent of abuse I actually wanted her to be removed from the hospital, but for the following month, after an operation that didn’t go to plan and led to the onset of septicaemia her understanding of the body and the way she fought with my surgeon probably saved my life.

After we separated I had a motorcycle accident, I wasn’t badly injured, broken rib, wrist and a few abrasions, but the scans picked up a few problems, a tumour on my pelvis and another on my adrenal gland (which produces the stress hormone… funny that!) and possible emphysema from my historical lung problems, and every time I got an appointment through for the hospital she would insist on coming with me.

Even after getting with my current girlfriend if she knew I had a hospital appointment she would message me asking if I wanted her to come, but would promptly delete the message, which is a little odd. Maybe it’s a heroic impulse, a sense of purpose, or something to make them feel a little less empty and numb.