Recent ex gf with Quiet BPD acting very detached and indifferent, Final discard?

[Depression = 72% of members]

We have been broken up since June 13.  The catalyst for our break up was that I caught her sexting and I put up an hard boundary that I can’t be around if she’s talking to other guys.

 That being said she told me she was disappointed that I didn’t fight against the break up and that I seemed indifferent to it.  Initially she would ghost for a day or two then come back and tell me she missed me and loved me. 

Then we had a big blow up on 4th of July when she said she wanted to spend time with me, seemed like she wanted to reconcile, and then told me she was actually going to bed early at 9 then 2 hours later saw that she was at a bar in another state.

When we had the blow up she said she hated me and was done with me forever.  We exchanged our belongings and I thought that was it.  5 days later she texted me again and then 4 days and then 9 days and then 12 days of silence.  During the 12 day silence, she joked to one of my family members that she should tell me that she was actually dating someone so I’d get off my butt and make a move on her.

I broke the silence this time because her daughter called me to tell me she missed me and wanted me to come over.  This time however my ex was extremely short and cold and seemingly indifferent to me. I asked if we could meet face to face and she left me on read. This was the most cold and offering she’s ever been to me.

Has anyone ever experienced similar?  Is this likely the final discard?

[DownAndOut90]

We have been broken up since June 13.  The catalyst for our break up was that I caught her sexting and I put up an hard boundary that I can’t be around if she’s talking to other guys.

 That being said she told me she was disappointed that I didn’t fight against the break up and that I seemed indifferent to it.  Initially she would ghost for a day or two then come back and tell me she missed me and loved me. 

Then we had a big blow up on 4th of July when she said she wanted to spend time with me, seemed like she wanted to reconcile, and then told me she was actually going to bed early at 9 then 2 hours later saw that she was at a bar in another state.

When we had the blow up she said she hated me and was done with me forever.  We exchanged our belongings and I thought that was it.  5 days later she texted me again and then 4 days and then 9 days and then 12 days of silence.  During the 12 day silence, she joked to one of my family members that she should tell me that she was actually dating someone so I’d get off my butt and make a move on her.

I broke the silence this time because her daughter called me to tell me she missed me and wanted me to come over.  This time however my ex was extremely short and cold and seemingly indifferent to me. I asked if we could meet face to face and she left me on read. This was the most cold and offering she’s ever been to me.

Has anyone ever experienced similar?  Is this likely the final discard?

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[DownAndOut90]

This was the most cold and *INDIFFERENT* she’s ever been to me.

[Under The Bridge]

Has anyone ever experienced similar?  Is this likely the final discard?

Hi and welcome. I think I can say that everyone here has experienced the same thing as BPD is such a scripted illness and on the whole tends to run the same way for everyone with it's constant 'love you / hate you' switching.

As for being the 'final discard' it may or not be as some BPD's do cut off for good but many will try to keep you 'on the substitutes bench' in case they have nobody else current in their lives. BPD's don't want to be alone and can show a very callous disregard for people's feelings as they seek to satisfy their wants of the moment. They'll get back with you or drop you yet again according to their current emotional state.

If you continue to engage then you'll aways be seen as an option and she will keep the game going. From what you wrote there are serious trust issues with her fidelity - which are sadly unlikely to change. What you see now is usually what you will continue to get.

She will definitely be jealous that her daughter wants to see you. When a BPD is ignoring someone they want everyone else to do it too, to give them validation. I had the same thing in my 4-year BPD relationship. if she was speaking to me then all her friends did too but as soon as the painted me black they all did too to keep onside with her.

Are you intending to contact her or wait until she contacts you? Both can have disadvantages in that if you chase after her it can make her feel overwhelmed and she'll retreat more. On the other hand, as you've already seen, if you do nothing then you're not 'fighting for her'.  Can't win whatever we do!

[DownAndOut90]

Thank you for the response!  I’ve had a number of instances recently where I’ve fought for her and last Friday I tried to arrange an in person meeting to talk about everything but she left me on read.  At this point I’m just going to go the NC route, work on moving on, and if she initiates and wants to have a conversation I’m willing to. 

So, just because she was extremely cold, short and callous to me the last time we spoke doesn’t necessarily mean it’s final?

[Under The Bridge]

At this point I’m just going to go the NC route, work on moving on, and if she initiates and wants to have a conversation I’m willing to.

Probably the best option at the moment - you certainly can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Leave the ball in her court, at least for a while. Nothing wrong with sending her a brief 'hi, how you doing?' message after a while if you'd still like to keep the relationship going.

In the meantime, concentrate on yourself and your mental and physical well-being. We all know how thoroughly draining a BPD relationship can be. See friends, do hobbies and try to remember that you deserve a good life, not one of chaos and conflict. None of this is your fault, you were dealing with someone who sadly has a mental illness.

The 'Three C's' is often quoted here.. they are 'You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it'. Be kind to yourself.

So, just because she was extremely cold, short and callous to me the last time we spoke doesn’t necessarily mean it’s final?

As I said, it might be final and it may not be. BPD's are capable of saying the most hurtful and cruel things in the heat of the moment and then can wipe them from their mind and deny ever having said them. Quite scary when you think of it.

This is how they can verbally rip you to pieces then next day smile and act as if nothing had happened - because in their minds, it didn't. Having said that though, I've always believed they are far more aware of their actions than they would have us believe. My exBPD would be really nasty when it was just the two of us but then instantly be nice if people came around - this shows a certain level of self-control and premeditation.

Without professional treatment though, BPD is a repeating cycle. Every time my ex came back there was the brief 'nice' period where I thought 'this time things will be different'.. but of course this didn't last and the chaos would start all over again.

[DownAndOut90]

I’ve certainly noticed that with my ex, she was passive aggressive, highly critical and rude to me but very friendly and cheery with other people. I guess they reserve all of their _____ for their favorite person.

I wouldn’t say she was nasty to me the last time we spoke, just very short, indifferent and cold.. 

[Under The Bridge]

she was passive aggressive, highly critical and rude to me but very friendly and cheery with other people. I guess they reserve all of their _____ for their favorite person.

Exactly right; the closer you are to them, the worse it gets. This is why they can appear perfectly normal to others who are less close to them and never see the meltdowns. Normally if someone likes you they'll treat you better than anyone else but with BPD the reverse is true. No wonder it's so frustrating!

Most family and friends of the BPD know there's something wrong though - I was warned about dating my ex by her own family, which should have been a huge red flag but of course at the start we're completely crazy about our seemingly perfect partner who matches us in so many ways.

How long have you been dating your ex, your posts don't say?

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm very glad you found us.

When you say, "Final Discard", most members here would say no, it's never final due to how BPDs activley destroy all close relationships in their life and then try to rekindle them once they run out of people to talk to.

For instance, my BPD daughter will tell her mom that she hates me, wants nothing to do with me, and we won't talk for a period of time.  Then, out of nowhere, she calls and before I know it, she's bad-mouthing her mom and telling me what a horrible person she is.  And I just sort of shake my head- one of us is always the enemy and the other is a close ally.  That can flip week by week, month by month, or year by year.

My ex wife is also BPD (the quiet type), and I went through similar experiences like you've described.  However, she was much more reserved.  While my daughter would call and scream and challenge me, my ex would just remain silent and disappear.  If I didn't fight and beg my ex to return, she wouldn't.  So they're very different people and very different patterns...yet the same illness with all the underlying stuff.  One just fought it in secret while the other was in your face.

I hope that helps!

[DownAndOut90]

Thanks for the reply.  My ex is more quiet BPD, normally she’s been more emotional with me and expressed anger, but the last time we spoke it just felt cold and indifferent to me like I was nothin.  I asked if we could meet and talk face to face and she left me on read.  This was a whole week ago.  She hasn’t said anything since.  I’m just scared she’s completely done with me and we will never have another opportunity to work things out.

[DownAndOut90]

[

Exactly right; the closer you are to them, the worse it gets. This is why they can appear perfectly normal to others who are less close to them and never see the meltdowns. Normally if someone likes you they'll treat you better than anyone else but with BPD the reverse is true. No wonder it's so frustrating!

Most family and friends of the BPD know there's something wrong though - I was warned about dating my ex by her own family, which should have been a huge red flag but of course at the start we're completely crazy about our seemingly perfect partner who matches us in so many ways.

How long have you been dating your ex, your posts don't say?

About a year.  The thing that worries me is that she seemed not upset or emotional,  just apathetic, indifferent disinterested in talking to me and just left me on read when I told her I’d like to see her in person to talk.

[Pook075]

Thanks for the reply.  My ex is more quiet BPD, normally she’s been more emotional with me and expressed anger, but the last time we spoke it just felt cold and indifferent to me like I was nothin.  I asked if we could meet and talk face to face and she left me on read.  This was a whole week ago.  She hasn’t said anything since.  I’m just scared she’s completely done with me and we will never have another opportunity to work things out.

She was cold and indifferent because...well, you already know why.  She told your family member directly.  She walked away so you'd chase her, and when you didn't it hurt her feelings.

But then it gets complicated.  After waiting for you to chase her, she probably started looking for other options as well.  That's a very BPD thing to do.  You already mentioned she was "sexting" another guy so it's not that big of a stretch to put two and two together.

Even if that's the case though, it doesn't mean it's over for good.  It means she's distracting herself until she becomes convinced that walking away was the right thing to do.  That could change in time as well and she could reach out.  You already know this part though; it's unpredictable with the timelines.

Let's say she calls tomorrow though, she comes over, and you see on her phone that she's still sexting another person.  Then what?  I think you'd be better off preparing for that and where your morals stand than if she'll reach out at all.  Because if you take her back but she's still being unfaithful, then what's the point?

[DownAndOut90]

She was cold and indifferent because...well, you already know why.  She told your family member directly.  She walked away so you'd chase her, and when you didn't it hurt her feelings.

But then it gets complicated.  After waiting for you to chase her, she probably started looking for other options as well.  That's a very BPD thing to do.  You already mentioned she was "sexting" another guy so it's not that big of a stretch to put two and two together.

Even if that's the case though, it doesn't mean it's over for good.  It means she's distracting herself until she becomes convinced that walking away was the right thing to do.  That could change in time as well and she could reach out.  You already know this part though; it's unpredictable with the timelines.

Let's say she calls tomorrow though, she comes over, and you see on her phone that she's still sexting another person.  Then what?  I think you'd be better off preparing for that and where your morals stand than if she'll reach out at all.  Because if you take her back but she's still being unfaithful, then what's the point?

The thing is, I’ve given her many opportunities over the last two months to come to the table and work things out and she hasn’t agreed to thus far.  She’s such a confusing person.  If she has met someone new I think it’s within the last week, so very recently. 

[Under The Bridge]

About a year.  The thing that worries me is that she seemed not upset or emotional,  just apathetic, indifferent disinterested in talking to me and just left me on read when I told her I’d like to see her in person to talk.

Sometimes they just 'switch off'; there's doesn't have to be arguments or a big meltdown, they just simply act as if they've never known you. My ex would simply close off at times and I never knew whether she was genuinely doing it as a result of her illness or if she was just playing some premeditated game. I suspect a bit of both.

I wish we could offer definite advice like 'if you do X then it will result in Y' but with BPD it's impossible. They never know how their emotions are going to run at any given moment so how can we ever know and take the right action?

I never knew if my ex was even going to turn up most of the time or whether something had happened at her work or family that day which she would blame me for and not turn up. She would break up with me and threaten to see other guys if she lost a game of pool (which she was brilliant at but a very bad loser made worse by her BPD).