UBPD husband's sudden turn around after me initiating breakup!

[Alz123]

I'll try and keep this brief but I could do with some advice from those who know what it's like to be with someone BPD (undiagnosed and unacknowledged in this case).

After 2 years of lies and defensiveness, mood swings, acting out, no repair etc. a couple of weeks ago I said that I've had enough and I want a separation.

Initially he went into impulsive mode - went out to find a flat to rent, secured it etc. Moods all over the place, ignoring me, being outright rude to me, then being nice, then back again. All over the show, which is what I had braced myself for. Always saying 'I've done everything to try and make things better. I'm not doing therapy, therapy doesn't work for me'. (he financially betrayed me which I found out in January).

In the last couple of days he's clearly realised this is actually going to happen and panicked. Panicking about losing me, the lifestyle he has with me. I felt for him but realised I can't rescue him from that.

Then came the change 'maybe therapy could work for us. I have realised that I haven't been able to hear your experience without getting defensive' (chatGPT helped him word this), "I need to work on that. I'm actually terrified of therapy. The fear of losing you is stronger than the fear of having couples therapy" (I understand that better than 'it doesn't work for me') He asked "what do you think?" I told him that I'm utterly confused because he says a different thing each day. He has also said "If I move out that's us done, no going back"

I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this. To me it feels like a desperation without the actual realisation of what's going on for him. I think it would feel different if it had come from him without the help of AI! Also if he was saying 'I've realised I've been awful and there are some things I need to address in myself".

Thank you in advance for anyone's thoughts on this. I was kind of expecting this turnaround to happen once we were separated which would have felt easier to deal with!

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[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome. So sorry that you're going through this, but know that you're not alone. This behaviour is pretty standard BPD - almost like a computer program that loads up and runs - and everyone here has been through it, in my own case for 4 years but in some cases for 25+ years.

Depending on his mood at the time, he will go through the 'I'm not bothered' phase and even seem to help you in your desire to end the relationship.. but then his mood changes and the fear of being alone - one of the strongest BPD fears - kicks in and he'll promise to change or do anything to have you stay with him.

Sadly, unless he truly is determined, any attempts at change rarely work out and once the BPD knows they've averted the main crisis - the breakup and fear of being alone - the old cycle resumes. You can read this in the many, many similar posts on here.

Sometimes my exBPD would seem to respond positively if she thought I really would leave but after a while she'd revert to her old ways.  Usually what you see now is what you'll always get.

You're doing nothing wrong, even if he tries to guilt-trip you into thinking that way (another BPD trait). You didn't cause his problems, you can't cure them and you certainly can't control them. None of us could.

I'm sure others will be along to offer their advice. Stay strong.