How do you deal with your own overreactions?

[mssalty]

My BPDSO has been dysregulated for months and is slamming from one overreaction to another, convinced they are right about impending doom from all sides. 

I didn’t validate.  I got mad because I’m so tired of riding out the constant crisis after crisis. 

As soon as I did, I felt bad.  The problem is that they often come at me with fully formed arguments and expect me to agree with how they feel and the need to call the metaphorical fire department for every issue.   My brain is already five steps ahead of how this will play out and the amount of energy I will have to expend from my already depleted brain to get nowhere. 

My SO is convinced in these situations they are right and any non validating comment is a sign that someone doesn’t care.   It’s hard enough when you’re dealing with one on one issues, but when the issues involve other people you don’t know or interact with (therapists, doctors, family, friends) it’s even more maddening.   Those people don’t care when they don’t validate my SO, but are the ultimate authority when they can be used against me in a discussion. 

I am burned out right now. My physical and emotional health is suffering, and while I care about my SO, it’s literally hurting me to do so. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

While the tools here on this board recommend validating, that is in the context of a conflict, and a tool to decrease the drama in the moment, and lessening the circular arguments. It doesn't mean that you are responsible for constantly soothing and validating your BPD partner. You have seen that doing so is taking a toll on your emotional and physical well being.

Also, the validating is not a "cure" for BPD. It's a tool to lessen drama in the moment. However, to continue to do this kind of emotional caretaking also reinforces them looking to you for their own soothing. Since their emotional needs for this continue, so will this behavior. It may even increase if reinforced.

Your feeling depleted is your own sign that you've done too much and need some self care to feel replenished. Your partner may not like this and may react.