Discarded. I want to do whatever is in my hands to have her back Pt. 2

[hex_dzh]

Link back to origin thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3059844.0

We are still posting on this "do whatever to have her back" topic.  Many are helping you to walk through this stressful in-between emotional time, that is, has it really ended or not?

For her, I mean. I'm still hanging on by a hair. For all I know, this could be "unfixable" for her. I do appreciate all the help I'm getting here very much - don't get me wrong, by "pointless" I meant that I feel stuck mentally.

With all the input on the message you might send, even if she responds positively at some point, there still a high risk the relationship will flame out again.  Your message may be a partial solution for now, but there would still be concerns about future months and years.

This is where long term meaningful therapy is so vital.  The huge unknown is that no one here knows whether your ex would start therapy much less stick with it and apply it throughout her life.

So be aware that whatever this short term outcome, you will need to shift to your future and be determined that it become overall positive, wherever you may go and whatever you may accomplish.

Yeah even if we do come back together, and that's a huge IF, therapy and any other kind of mental health help will be of utmost importance. For me as well.

I'm trying very hard to focus and work on myself, but it's difficult. I do what I have to, go through the motions etc but mentally I'm in a very deep hole. I've looked at SAMe like I was recommended here and found it for sale here in Germany as well luckily so hopefully I'll start that soon enough.

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[lilbutterfly]

A similar thing happened to me (24f) with my gf (26f). I spent weeks waiting for her to snap out of it, reassuring myself that eventually she would realize her mistake and at the least apologize. It’s been almost 3 months now and that has not happened. If anything she has gotten colder and has begun to break the promises she made to me when she walked out on me (we lived together) such as compromising with bills and respecting boundaries.

It makes no sense. The quick shift, the feelings. As non BPD people we do not think like they do, and so when we try to understand what they are doing we put it through our own lens. Reading books about BPD helped me a lot because it allowed me to see not just the symptoms of BPD, but how their minds work and the real inability to control themselves. I recommend I hate you, don’t leave me, sometimes I act crazy, the borderline and the Buddha, and I’m not supposed to be here by Rachel reiland.

Reading these made me feel less hurt over my gfs actions. I am still very sad, and I miss the good things about her, but I no longer feel so betrayed and crushed. Your girlfriend likely loved you a lot, but she is broken and she is damned to destroy the things that matter to her until she seeks help. It is a cruel curse, and long term it will be much more painful to her than to you.

I understand the feeling of anxiety and stomach dropping thinking about her moving on quickly and finding a replacement. It is likely she will do this, but it is not a sign she didn’t care. The more broken she is the more she will need to find someone else to desperately cling to, whom she will also eventually discard.

Take care of yourself friend. Take comfort in the real parts of your relationship while also reminding yourself that you did what you could. She must get help on her own, and you must move on.

Don’t send her a letter. Move on. The more well you seem the more she will be attracted back to you and want to cling. Don’t let her back unless she is committed to therapy.

[once removed]

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I want some realistic improvement, if that makes sense.

it may not seem like a lot to ask, but it is all contingent upon her changing.

have you imagined what a relationship looks like where shes no more willing to go to therapy, no more able/willing to tackle issues as you see them, than she was in the six years that you were together, and planned around that?

because if she comes back, and the impression she gets is that the relationship is going to require all of this work, and she has to go to therapy, she will balk; anyone would. to re-attract someone, a new relationship has to look enticing, otherwise it just looks like the old baggage that they left.

Someone without BPD doesn't withdraw emotionally for no apparent reason without first talking about the things bothering them

hex_dzh, it happens all the time. simple life stressors can be enough to undo an otherwise okay relationship, with or without bpd. people dont necessarily communicate these things; they just happen.

having said that, often times, these things are communicated, loudly, and clearly, over time, and sometimes in a variety of ways; we just missed them, for a variety of reasons.

I really think we grew apart because of her BPD symptoms.

if this is true, how do you plan around that?

As I said, I would deal with the BPD traits for as long as I have to if only she was of the same mind as me about it.

this is not a plan or a realistic expectation. she is not of the same mind as you about it; that is, in part, why you broke up.

think this through:

1. you believe you broke up due to her bpd symptoms - they will still be there.
2. the expectation is that she will go to therapy, become "less extreme", join you on the same page, and put in all of this work.

those are nice things to hope for. they arent a game plan, they dont demonstrate an understanding of what broke down or how things will go differently next time, and they all hinge on her becoming a very different kind of partner.

Things are looking very grim to me, probably because I'm losing more and more hope with each day.

i know ive said this before, but it bears repeating: nothing has fundamentally changed. not for the sake of false hope, but if anything, your chances are statistically more likely given some time to let the ice thaw. you are feeling the reality of the relationship ending, and youre grieving that, and you should; you should lean into that and fully grieve it. but it doesnt really have any bearing on how the letter will be received, or whether youll get back together.

[hex_dzh]

it may not seem like a lot to ask, but it is all contingent upon her changing.

have you imagined what a relationship looks like where shes no more willing to go to therapy, no more able/willing to tackle issues as you see them, than she was in the six years that you were together, and planned around that?

because if she comes back, and the impression she gets is that the relationship is going to require all of this work, and she has to go to therapy, she will balk; anyone would. to re-attract someone, a new relationship has to look enticing, otherwise it just looks like the old baggage that they left.

If she wants to come back together and regrets breaking up, the proof that the relationship requires work will be fully on display even if I set no expectations and don't push for anything. The worst thing we were afraid of happened. She would know that not changing anything would mean that the risk of this repeating will stay high. If she comes back only as a reaction to what she feels at that moment (for example strong abandonment etc) and not because she wants the relationship to work - then I would agree with you. In that case, I can easily imagine this repeating again in the future, because there's only so much that I can do.

if this is true, how do you plan around that?

this is not a plan or a realistic expectation. she is not of the same mind as you about it; that is, in part, why you broke up.

think this through:

1. you believe you broke up due to her bpd symptoms - they will still be there.
2. the expectation is that she will go to therapy, become "less extreme", join you on the same page, and put in all of this work.

those are nice things to hope for. they arent a game plan, they dont demonstrate an understanding of what broke down or how things will go differently next time, and they all hinge on her becoming a very different kind of partner.

I really don't know, I don't have a gameplan in the case that she returns and keeps everything the same as before. I guess I would have a serious discussion about it with her - when we're together physically and not online and she's in a stable mood. Gauge her responses, see how things are afterwards and if nothing improves then I will unfortunately have to prepare myself for moving on. I would not be able to endure all of this happening again.

i know ive said this before, but it bears repeating: nothing has fundamentally changed. not for the sake of false hope, but if anything, your chances are statistically more likely given some time to let the ice thaw. you are feeling the reality of the relationship ending, and youre grieving that, and you should; you should lean into that and fully grieve it. but it doesnt really have any bearing on how the letter will be received, or whether youll get back together.

Sorry, it's just incredibly difficult to keep this in mind. Anything positive happening feels completely impossible at this point. I wish I could get some peace even for a little bit from this kind of thinking.

[Pook075]

She would know that...

You can't do that, my friend.  You're assuming that she's looking at this logically and making the best possible decisions.  Unfortunately, mental illness sometimes gets in the way of that.  As we've said several times, she thinks emotionally when she's dysregulated.

I want this to work out for you, I really do.  But for long-term success, someone (or both of you) will have to put in considerable work.  Expecting her to do that is not a strategy.  Expecting "love to overcome" is not a strategy either. 

Both of you will have to grow and adapt...that's where the strategy part begins.  So what can you do to convince her that there will be a different outcome?  Because that's ultimately what she will need.

This is not a trick question- the answers you're seeking have been provided throughout this thread.  And I completely understand your pain and the circles you're traveling through in your mind.  It's terrible to feel that way and nobody here wants that for you.  It hurts us to see you hurting so much.

Right now, you're not speaking to her, so it can feel like the strategy should be, "get her to talk to me."  But again, what will you say?  How will you comfort her that her worst fears won't happen all over again?  That stuff comes from the growth on your end to be better prepared for this type of relationship.

So when people here say to "work on yourself", it's not about giving up.  It's about healing and being better prepared no matter what happens next.  If you do get that conversation or that second chance, we want you to be ready.  That's the big picture everyone is trying to get across.

[hex_dzh]

You can't do that, my friend.  You're assuming that she's looking at this logically and making the best possible decisions.  Unfortunately, mental illness sometimes gets in the way of that.  As we've said several times, she thinks emotionally when she's dysregulated.

I want this to work out for you, I really do.  But for long-term success, someone (or both of you) will have to put in considerable work.  Expecting her to do that is not a strategy.  Expecting "love to overcome" is not a strategy either. 

Both of you will have to grow and adapt...that's where the strategy part begins.  So what can you do to convince her that there will be a different outcome?  Because that's ultimately what she will need.

This is not a trick question- the answers you're seeking have been provided throughout this thread.  And I completely understand your pain and the circles you're traveling through in your mind.  It's terrible to feel that way and nobody here wants that for you.  It hurts us to see you hurting so much.

Right now, you're not speaking to her, so it can feel like the strategy should be, "get her to talk to me."  But again, what will you say?  How will you comfort her that her worst fears won't happen all over again?  That stuff comes from the growth on your end to be better prepared for this type of relationship.

So when people here say to "work on yourself", it's not about giving up.  It's about healing and being better prepared no matter what happens next.  If you do get that conversation or that second chance, we want you to be ready.  That's the big picture everyone is trying to get across.

I really don't know what I would do. I'm ready to put in a considerable amount of work, hell I'm ready to put in most of the work. I just don't know what I could do differently, I don't know what made her break up with me to address it. Before the break up, despite our struggles and my own problems in life - I was pretty healthy mentally and happy with life in general. I'd like to think I was healthier, much more so than now so it's not like I had given up on myself and she left me because of it. I have to work on myself now, because of what the break up did to me and not because I already had big problems before.

If I got a second chance and got to talk to her, I guess I would try my best to validate her feelings, try to alleviate the guilt she may be feeling, show her the progress I've had and how different I am compared to the last time she saw me and apologise (hopefully until then I would have some concrete things to apologise for). But about therapy and fighting for the relationship, I really don't know. I can try pushing for mental help again, promising to pay for it etc again. If by that time I start my own therapy, maybe I can use it to show her it's not scary and that it's very helpful? Honestly I'm pretty lost here, would appreciate any advice on what I could do better and differently. If it takes a long time (5 months or more) for her to contact me, I could be ready to help her move here and live with me if she still wants that like she used to but I don't want to jump to that so soon. I want to let her dictate the speed of things.

[hex_dzh]

It's such a beautiful sunny day today. Not a single cloud in the sky after weeks of cold winter-like depressing and rainy weather. If things weren't like this, I would happily be outside with my photography gear walking around in my favourite spots. But just the thought of doing that depresses me, because I used to do that with her on the phone, for hours and hours we'd talk and I'd show her beautiful sights, things I took a picture of etc. Sometimes she would go out on a walk in the park as well and she'd show me stuff too. It would feel as though we were on a walk together despite the 2500 km distance. I used to be so happy to have her so enmeshed in my day to day life like this, it really helped with coping with the huge distance between us but now it's just a source of endless pain. Codependency might be the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

This is more of a venting post and it sounds a bit corny, apologies if this isn't the appropriate board for it.

[Pook075]

If I got a second chance and got to talk to her, I guess I would try my best to validate her feelings...

Validation is about half the journey for BPD relationships, but it takes immense work to validate feelings without validating accusations as the same time.

For instance, if I said in an angry voice, "Hex, you're so annoying and you're always judging me..."

How do you respond to validate my feelings (angry) without validating the absolutely untrue accusation I made?  Because if you say, "Yeah, I'm annoying sometimes and overly judgmental," then that validates to the BPD that everything they feel is true and that they should trust their thinking in a dysregulated state.

If you say, "I'm not annoying or judgmental...you were just judging me,"  then that's even worse because a BPD feels like you can't understand them at all, won't meet them where they're at, and eventually they'll maybe think you do that on purpose to hurt them.

So you can't agree and you can't disagree...not directly.  That's why I said there's a lot of work to do here to really understand what she's going through.

...try to alleviate the guilt she may be feeling...

Good thought, but this can just as easily backfire if you're talking about things she's accused you of or things you've done that were taken out of context.  Again, feelings and words/actions are two different things in the BPD world, so you focus on them separately when someone is dysregulated.

...show her the progress I've had and how different I am compared to the last time she saw me and apologise...

Progress you've had is good, but how different you are is a dangerous subject.  Why are you different?  If it's going to loop back to the past, then it comes off as blame.

Apologies are also good as long as we're talking feelings...I'm so sorry i hurt you, I'm so sorry I didn't understand what you were going through.  But apologizing for the accusations has the opposite effect and validates the invalid.

But about therapy and fighting for the relationship, I really don't know. I can try pushing for mental help again, promising to pay for it etc again. /quote]

No, you don't want to do that.  You're in control of you.  She's in control of her.  If you lightly encourage her to attend therapy WHEN SHE BRINGS IT UP, that's a smart move.  If you push her towards therapy without her bring it up, then it's telling her psyche that there's something really wrong with her and you can't accept her that way.

She will get into therapy when she's ready.  Nobody can convince her to put in the work because it's likely the hardest thing she'll ever do in life.  It would be like me asking you to build a rocket ship...I'm sure you can do it if you actually try really hard!!!  It just feels impossibly unrealistic as a suggestion and it carries too much judgement (even if it's not intended at all).

If by that time I start my own therapy, maybe I can use it to show her it's not scary and that it's very helpful?

Now you're talking.  Going to therapy will help you heal from this, give you tools to deal with what's to come, and give you resources that aren't available elsewhere.  This also shows initiative that you're taking this seriously and it's a great first conversation if you ever run into her.

Therapy is very helpful and you should consider it.  I went into therapy shortly after my ex wife and i separated, and I know several others here who have done the same thing.  Admitting you need help is a strength, not a weakness.

[once removed]

I don't have a gameplan in the case that she returns and keeps everything the same as before. I guess I would have a serious discussion about it with her

youve tried that, right?

if i get one thing across, i hope it is this: expect that if she returns, she will keep everything the same as before.

dont go into a relationship contingent upon her changing. you both ultimately broke up because of the differences between the two of you. the relationship continued past its expiration date because you both hoped the other would change.

for example:

the withdrawing from me

what does a game plan look like in this context (and more broadly)?

it means accepting that withdrawing is something she does to cope with stress. it is a thing about her; not a thing necessarily good or bad, but one that inevitably affects you as a partner.

if you place a high commodity on a sense of humor - if you expect your partner to be really funny - and they dont meet your expectations, you dont get back into a relationship with them expecting them to "learn to be funny". you accept their limitation, and you find another way to get that need met. another way to make the relationship work in a mutually satisfying way. or you accept that the difference is too great.

if you have a partner that withdraws, you either decide that thats incompatible with you (it makes some people very anxious), or you determine what you will do when she withdraws, and how you will cope with it. you determine how you will repair ("repair" in this context is a psychology term used to describe the particular ways a couple goes about re-bonding when there is an inevitable rupture. makeup sex is one example.) any relationship cracks it may cause. thats a game plan. it means regulating and managing your own emotions around it, and gaining perspective of it. hoping she will learn another way or expecting her to be different than who she is is the same recipe that led to the breakup.

in short, you have listed a number of things you struggled with in the relationship, and had a hard time accepting. they are all valid reasons not to have a relationship. what begins the codependent slippery slope is when, out of our own anxiety, we try to manage someone else into who we want them to be, rather than seeing them for who they are. a radically different approach (game plan) is to answer honestly for yourself "do i accept these things, how will i deal with them when they happen, how did i deal with them before, and will my change in my approach make the relationship more mutually satisfying, or worse?".

its also just human nature. rather than change, she broke up with you. you want her back. the onus of change - of re-attracting her - is on you. that is just the way it works.

beyond that: how much time have you really spent learning and practicing the tools and lessons here? learning and practicing the communication techniques? these are all things you can be investing in during all of this time you have, and they are the single greatest investment you can make. its like a lifestyle change, you really have to want it and dig into it. it will help to apply what youre learning in the threads of others in your situation. it will help to ask questions about what youre learning and how it applies. it will help to mentally revisit fights/arguments and conflict from your relationship, and imagine how they will go differently with this new approach and this new information.

and if you dont feel motivated to do it, know that i learned all of these things long after my relationship ended. i use them all the time. they have improved all of my relationships of all kinds, made it far easier for me to navigate conflict, made me a better partner and friend, and more confident in love. they arent magic spells to cast out bpd. they are life skills for relationships of all kinds that most of us lack.

Sorry, it's just incredibly difficult to keep this in mind. Anything positive happening feels completely impossible at this point. I wish I could get some peace even for a little bit from this kind of thinking.

no apology necessary. truth be told, as much as i feel and relate to the palpable pain youre going through, im not great at "words that will make you feel better", because there really arent any. what im encouraging you to do, as a way of regulating your emotions, is to practice mindfulness. to be mindful that youve chosen a difficult path, what it entails, and how to cope with it as it comes up. it is hard to articulate the role that mindfulness played in helping me get through it, and, even after it, it changed my life, without exaggeration.

it is, for a reason, the first tool in Tools section: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[hex_dzh]

Validation is about half the journey for BPD relationships, but it takes immense work to validate feelings without validating accusations as the same time.

For instance, if I said in an angry voice, "Hex, you're so annoying and you're always judging me..."

How do you respond to validate my feelings (angry) without validating the absolutely untrue accusation I made?  Because if you say, "Yeah, I'm annoying sometimes and overly judgmental," then that validates to the BPD that everything they feel is true and that they should trust their thinking in a dysregulated state.

If you say, "I'm not annoying or judgmental...you were just judging me,"  then that's even worse because a BPD feels like you can't understand them at all, won't meet them where they're at, and eventually they'll maybe think you do that on purpose to hurt them.

So you can't agree and you can't disagree...not directly.  That's why I said there's a lot of work to do here to really understand what she's going through.

Good thought, but this can just as easily backfire if you're talking about things she's accused you of or things you've done that were taken out of context.  Again, feelings and words/actions are two different things in the BPD world, so you focus on them separately when someone is dysregulated.

I'd like to think I'm not completely unequipped, before this happened we could reconcile and heal after each split. I was able to "manage" it more or less. It never actually got this bad, though threats and stuff were made. I knew how some of the things in her mind worked and I could navigate carefully when things were heating up to avoid a fight. What I struggled with is when there was seemingly no way forward without going through an argument/fight.

That is when she was usually triggered by something external and completely unconnected to us, but needed some kind of outlet to get all the nasty stuff out. It really hurt me in those moments, because obviously she was using me as such an outlet when I really had no fault. Me being stable, nice and trying to validate her feelings then only fueled her rage instead of helping like usual. In such moments she accused me of being fake, of being pretentious, of acting holier than thou so to speak. She told me that me being stable, clearly laying out what I was thinking and feeling at that moment was frustrating her, because she was so unstable and wanted a similar reaction from me, but I knew that it would only make things blow up quicker if I did react more emotionally. She'd accuse me of being an unfeeling robot because of it. And the only one or two times in which I tested being more emotional, reacting more in the way she wanted me to it only made her angrier and more unstable so I quickly stopped that "experiment" long ago. It would also make her feel incredibly shameful and guilty, which would only feed the anger and frustration further - because she was (according to her) self aware enough to know that I didn't do anything to deserve this. That guilt was eating her up no matter what I did or said. I remember her saying that she was sick and tired of feeling guilty which I could do nothing about. I still don't know what I could've done differently about that.

Progress you've had is good, but how different you are is a dangerous subject.  Why are you different?  If it's going to loop back to the past, then it comes off as blame.

Apologies are also good as long as we're talking feelings...I'm so sorry i hurt you, I'm so sorry I didn't understand what you were going through.  But apologizing for the accusations has the opposite effect and validates the invalid.

Yes, this is a very good point. I would need to focus on the "good" changes in me without connecting it to the things that happened. Blame and guilt are such scary and strong things. I would really do my best to avoid anything that could potentially trigger these things. But I know her well enough to know that at some point, she will wonder if I suffered during this time. She will ask about it, want to comfort me, apologise etc and that's when I don't know what to do. If she found out to what extent this affected me and if I couldn't hold myself from crying at that point - I don't know what it could trigger in her. From an outside perspective, I know that this sounds so incredibly unhealthy.

Apologies are another thing I don't know how to do exactly. I am genuinely sorry for the pain, feelings and emotions I caused her. But I don't know how to address these things, because I don't know what ultimately caused them. I don't want to sound insincere in my apologies and as you said, I don't want to validate the invalid. Difficult.

Now you're talking.  Going to therapy will help you heal from this, give you tools to deal with what's to come, and give you resources that aren't available elsewhere.  This also shows initiative that you're taking this seriously and it's a great first conversation if you ever run into her.

Therapy is very helpful and you should consider it.  I went into therapy shortly after my ex wife and i separated, and I know several others here who have done the same thing.  Admitting you need help is a strength, not a weakness.

With each day I realise more and more how much I need it too. I would love to receive therapy and help. I'm suspicious that aside from depression, there is or are some underlying different things going on but i don't know what. When I was thinking about the things you've said in your reply and trying to answer them, some of the situations I imagined were in a way triggering? I don't know if that's the correct word. Just imagining the unescapable fights/arguments brought back a lot of memories and pain I experienced, a lot of feelings of frustration due to being stuck to having to go through these things. That's more food for thought. If these things are worth it, because they will repeat. I can't answer this to myself unbiased yet. The love I feel for her clouds my judgement. At this moment, all these "negative parts" feel worth it.

Thank you for bringing these things up, thinking about how I would deal with them and navigate a new relationship with her helped a bit.

[hex_dzh]

youve tried that, right?

if i get one thing across, i hope it is this: expect that if she returns, she will keep everything the same as before.

dont go into a relationship contingent upon her changing. you both ultimately broke up because of the differences between the two of you. the relationship continued past its expiration date because you both hoped the other would change.

for example:

what does a game plan look like in this context (and more broadly)?

it means accepting that withdrawing is something she does to cope with stress. it is a thing about her; not a thing necessarily good or bad, but one that inevitably affects you as a partner.

if you place a high commodity on a sense of humor - if you expect your partner to be really funny - and they dont meet your expectations, you dont get back into a relationship with them expecting them to "learn to be funny". you accept their limitation, and you find another way to get that need met. another way to make the relationship work in a mutually satisfying way. or you accept that the difference is too great.

if you have a partner that withdraws, you either decide that thats incompatible with you (it makes some people very anxious), or you determine what you will do when she withdraws, and how you will cope with it. you determine how you will repair ("repair" in this context is a psychology term used to describe the particular ways a couple goes about re-bonding when there is an inevitable rupture. makeup sex is one example.) any relationship cracks it may cause. thats a game plan. it means regulating and managing your own emotions around it, and gaining perspective of it. hoping she will learn another way or expecting her to be different than who she is is the same recipe that led to the breakup.

Your analogy with humour helped me look at it from a different perspective, thanks. I understand what you mean here. I wish I could communicate these things with her and then create a gameplan. Trying to plan it ahead feels like I'm basing the gameplan mostly on assumptions and what I thought I knew about her. To take the withdrawing for example, I also know that she can be very clingy and loving (emotionally and physically) as well. I know her love language is very strong. So the way to cope with these (hopefully) moments of withdrawal that would help us both, is like you said - aftercare. If these periods of withdrawal were followed by reassurances, regaining some of that lost feeling of being loved, showing care and intimacy. Communication before it also would be pretty important, just something short and sweet like "Hey love, I feel very overwhelmed and want to have some space" would do. That I can be content with. That also depends on how long these periods are, I guess. I don't think any human being can go on for months and months like that and just accept it?

in short, you have listed a number of things you struggled with in the relationship, and had a hard time accepting. they are all valid reasons not to have a relationship. what begins the codependent slippery slope is when, out of our own anxiety, we try to manage someone else into who we want them to be, rather than seeing them for who they are. a radically different approach (game plan) is to answer honestly for yourself "do i accept these things, how will i deal with them when they happen, how did i deal with them before, and will my change in my approach make the relationship more mutually satisfying, or worse?".

The thing is, after all these years being together, going through so much, succeeding despite our struggles and still maintaining a very loving relationship until the last half a year - I really thought I knew who she was and accepted her that way. I thought I accepted the bad things alongside with the good things. As I said, up until this break up - we were more or less managing with the splits when they happened. We kept going, reassuring and loving each other. And all of a sudden she broke up with me. Even in the very worst previous splits, I was always confident in us. I really don't know what happened this time. Even during this half to 1 year that was relatively our worst when compared to the rest - the good moments still outnumber and outweigh the bad moments. Last summer was great, we accomplished a lot, did many fun things together. Even after we parted and more trouble started showing up at times, we still celebrated her birthday, new year in fun little ways from distance. We planned to see each other again very soon and out of nowhere she blindsided me with a break up.

its also just human nature. rather than change, she broke up with you. you want her back. the onus of change - of re-attracting her - is on you. that is just the way it works.

That is true and I am doing my best to work on myself, change in ways positive and natural to me and not just for the sake of it to attract her back. I can only hope that it will be good, both for myself and her.

beyond that: how much time have you really spent learning and practicing the tools and lessons here? learning and practicing the communication techniques? these are all things you can be investing in during all of this time you have, and they are the single greatest investment you can make. its like a lifestyle change, you really have to want it and dig into it. it will help to apply what youre learning in the threads of others in your situation. it will help to ask questions about what youre learning and how it applies. it will help to mentally revisit fights/arguments and conflict from your relationship, and imagine how they will go differently with this new approach and this new information.

and if you dont feel motivated to do it, know that i learned all of these things long after my relationship ended. i use them all the time. they have improved all of my relationships of all kinds, made it far easier for me to navigate conflict, made me a better partner and friend, and more confident in love. they arent magic spells to cast out bpd. they are life skills for relationships of all kinds that most of us lack.

 

I would really love to and I'm very motivated to do so, but I don't know how I can learn what you said and practice it on my own correctly. I will focus on this though, you are right.

no apology necessary. truth be told, as much as i feel and relate to the palpable pain youre going through, im not great at "words that will make you feel better", because there really arent any. what im encouraging you to do, as a way of regulating your emotions, is to practice mindfulness. to be mindful that youve chosen a difficult path, what it entails, and how to cope with it as it comes up. it is hard to articulate the role that mindfulness played in helping me get through it, and, even after it, it changed my life, without exaggeration.

it is, for a reason, the first tool in Tools section: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Thank you for linking it, I will study it. I will also look at the rest of the available resources. I'm a bit afraid that I would be dedicating a lot of time and mental energy into things that could very well be "unnecessary" because (in my opinion) the likelihood of her coming back to me is very miniscule.

[once removed]

did i miss the fact that this was long distance? if so, that was likely a factor. it will be a factor in any new iteration of a relationship.

I'm a bit afraid that I would be dedicating a lot of time and mental energy into things that could very well be "unnecessary" because (in my opinion) the likelihood of her coming back to me is very miniscule.

i cannot stress this enough: the lessons, tools, and techniques here, are things that will help you for the rest of your life, in all of your relationships, regardless of how this plays out.

you can practice them in the threads of others. you can practice them with anyone you know in real life. you can ask questions about what youre learning.

[hex_dzh]

did i miss the fact that this was long distance? if so, that was likely a factor. it will be a factor in any new iteration of a relationship.

I know the distance made things way worse, but this was also the last year before we could move in together. We were so close after waiting for so long. That only makes it hurt more.

i cannot stress this enough: the lessons, tools, and techniques here, are things that will help you for the rest of your life, in all of your relationships, regardless of how this plays out.

you can practice them in the threads of others. you can practice them with anyone you know in real life. you can ask questions about what youre learning.

That sounds great. I already started on them!

[hex_dzh]

Well, the date is approaching. Tomorrow will be incredibly tough for me, already decided to take a day off. If things were normal, now we would be together and making plans on how to celebrate our anniversary. Anyway. I will send the letter either tomorrow or the day after - she'll receive it in a week or so I hope. There's a huge pit in my stomach. I don't know if I'm doing the right move, if I've written the right things. Should I have put something in it to show I'm apologetic? Or is it better to not mention such things, to not make her feel those emotions again? Should I have timed it for her to receive it on the anniversary or is it the best option to let her process the date and whatever she's feeling first. I don't even know if she'll read it. Just having a lot of the same doubts again, a lot of bad thoughts. Giving me a headache.

I'm missing her so much and I feel like mentally I'm back in the first few days after the break up. I'm doing my best not to expect anything. We'll see how it goes.