Dbpdw wanting our kids to walk on eggshells…

[thankful person]

Our eldest child is D6, she is too mature for her age and definitely parentified. My dbpdw (Mummy) has recently been more dysregulated due to pressures of studying and having new friendships. D6 and D4 generally understand that Mummy doesn’t like to not be involved so she doesn’t want them telling me or showing me things when she’s not around. (It’s more often that she’s not around as I’m working less to care for the kids when she’s at college).

There have been a few incidents recently but this was the worst. D6 told me excitedly one morning, “My friend drew me a picture, can I show you?” I said, “yes but do you think we should wait until Mummy gets up?” (She was still in bed, I get the kids ready every morning). D6 said, “I’ll show Mummy when she comes down..” And I thought, ok on a good day dbpdw might be fine with that but we’ll see.

Dbpdw was very angry (upset) that D6 had shown me the picture before her. She screamed at D6 making her cry. I stood up for the child, saying it wasn’t fair to  treat her that way as we both thought it would be ok. My wife then turned on me as to why I didn’t say anything to D6 about how Mummy would feel. I said that I had told D6, but we both thought Mummy would be ok with this. D6 then lied to Mummy saying that she didn’t understand what I had meant. I am fully ashamed to say I then lost it and shouted at D6, “How dare you lie?” making her cry again. I apologised to D6, saying, “I’m sorry Mummy isn’t ok with many things most people would be ok with”. My wife was seriously triggered by this (as I wanted her to be in that moment), screaming at me to “get out!” Just as I thought I might arrive at work at a good time she challenged me to make up with her before leaving by saying I shouldn’t leave after an argument etc, which is a nice idea but we’ve never done that in our marriage before. Anyway we had a normal conversation and she agreed that certain things upset her that wouldn’t upset most people but that’s ok she’s just different but we should still all think about her feelings etc. and try not to upset her.

I feel terrible at how I reacted towards D6. In future I will be wary of this and do better to understand the child lied about me because she was scared of Mummy. But my question is.. do I encourage them to “walk on eggshells” to some extent… because they can start to understand somewhat that their mother is mentally ill and needs special consideration? I know that walking on eggshells is not encouraged. But when parenting, surely it’s better to face this situation by saying, “Your mother is not normal” rather than pretending she is? I found it interesting that my wife even is on board with this to some extent, she denies still having bpd symptoms, but knows she is “not like other people”.

That afternoon I asked D6 how her school day was and she told me, “I forgot to tell Mummy so I better not tell you, I don’t want Mummy to get angry again”. I let this go, but again, what would the advised response be?

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[CC43]

Hi Thankful,

OK, I know that living with someone with BPD means walking on eggshells all the time, but my opinion is that the scenario you describe is absolutely over the top.  Basically your wife got upset because of the timing when your daughter shared something that she was excited about.  Good grief.  From my perspective, the only thing that matters is that your young daughter wanted to share something she liked with BOTH her parents, and she did just that, at the first opportunity with each parent.  Whether your daughter shared her excitement with one parent "first" and the other parent "second" shouldn't matter one bit.  Yet with BPD, your wife not only felt slighted, but she lashed out at her own kid and made her cry over utter nonsense.  That must be terribly confusing.

What your spouse is demanding is for her kids to show remarkable restraint and maturity, always to consider Mum's possible feelings and reactions ahead of their own, even if it means quashing a kid's natural enthusiasm and closeness with the other parent, even if it means that the kids feel they always have to patiently wait and defer to someone else.  Not only that, she expects her kids to be mind readers.  I think this is utterly backwards--the mom should put the kids' emotional needs ahead of her own, especially at such a young age.  To throw a fit because she didn't see a picture first is so inappropriate it's actually making me angry.  If she's throwing a fit over something so inconsequential, I can only imagine her reaction to things that are actually important.

Now, it may be that your spouse is stressed out over the extra work of college.  She may start to resent you for growing closer with the children.  Maybe she feels "displaced" or "demoted" in status vis-a-vis the kids, rather than to be thankful that the kids have a loving relationship with BOTH parents.  If these are issues, then I understand that, and she may need some extra counseling and support to deal with these changes.  She may also need constant reassurance as she's working towards her goal of finishing her education.  But to lash out at her family because she got to see a picture as soon as she got out of bed--that's out of line.  I'd say it's her fault for staying in bed so late!  My guess is that she should really be getting up when everyone else in the household is up.  I bet she's complaining all the time about how tired she is, even though the adults around her are putting in more hours working and caregiving!  On top of that, your spouse probably expects her kid to be in school full-time (kindergarten or first grade), which means getting up early in the morning--and yet your spouse can't be expected to follow the same schedule?  She's demanding "perfect performance" from her young child, while needing extra downtime for herself?  If that's the case (which sounds typical of pwBPD), then I guess I'd say that a full courseload is probably too much for your spouse right now.  If I were in your shoes, I'd recommend a lighter courseload until she proves she can handle it.  In my opinion, "handling it" includes staying on a schedule that is healthy for her own children, and that means getting up with them on schooldays.

As for handling your dear daughter's questions, I guess my response would be, Yes darling, I'd love to hear what happened in school today.   [If Mum seems angry, I promise that she's not angry with you.  Let me worry about that.]

Just my two cents.