I feel insane guilt

[stevemcduck]

I was with my pwbpd for 6 years with one major 6 month break up period at the 5 year mark so we had been back together 6 months. I said something that triggered jealously in her and she attacked me. I was cut and bleeding bad, I reacted badly and grabbed her and asked is she wanted to know what it felt like to be beaten. the fear in her face won't leave me. I didnt hurt her but I threw her aside hard onto the floor. I was injured and bleeding badly. I acted out of fear, adrenaline and previous mental traumas from there relationship. I left the house but we had both been drinking and I drove off and was arrested. she was also arrested and evicted from my home and released on bail with instruction to not contact me. that was the last time I saw her, prior to that incident we were having such a fun loving night. I reached out to say my part and apologise for me part but it was read but not replied to. she sent a text when I first left the house saying I was scary and a different man and that she is scared of me. bear in mind im soaked with blood and not a mark on her. I know I need to get out but I feel such guilt for scaring her and I cant even make it right with her. im feeling so so low.

I still love her and want to talk to her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

As much as you are inclined, even impelled, to want to reach out and contact her, wisdom says... Stop, pause and give yourself time to recover, not just from your injuries but from the impact of years of living with a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.

Note what the objective authorities did... They told her - possibly even ordered her - not to contact you.  It only makes sense that you reciprocate and not contact her.  Distance apart is a protection for both of you.

Now is a time for you to listen to your brain (and the counsel of objective others).  In time your heart will catch up and accept this is/was a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.  Might there be a future?  Unless and until you both work on your own issues, it would be best to respect the orders in place to limit or avoid more "incidents".