Even though this thread hasn't been commented on in a long time I'm going to try and see if I can apply this to a recent incident with my uBPD mom:
Workshops are always live. We can't switch of the warning that comes up when no one has posted for a while selectively on this board. Good to see that you jumped in
Situation: I am invited for dinner and arrive a bit early. It's her and me alone, she doesn't really engage with me except to say oh, it's you, so I respond with a "hello, how was your day today?", she shows me the stuff she bought when she went shopping, and I tell her it looks very nice, then sensing she is not in a good mood I go write an email. Within minutes she barks out at me from the kitchen to do a chore (to which I respond I'm writing an email), she then pokes her head out (seems she doesn't trust that I'm doing that) and she sees me using her computer and tells me I better not log her out of her computer account because when I did it four months ago to use my own account she couldn't remember her password and it took some effort to get her password back.
So here we go:
caughtnreleased, go do x for me
Me: just a minute I am finishing writing an email.
then
Don't you mess up my account again
S: I want the time we spend together to be pleasant for both of us.
E: I understand you are feeling stressed, that you feel like you are the only one doing the work in the kitchen and that my using your computer is bothering you. (of course she keeps complaining about how she does all the work in the kitchen but cannot actually STAND anyone doing anything other than cleaning up after her)
T: I came over for dinner because I would like to see you and spend time with the family. However it is difficult when you only engage with me by asking me to do house chores or to tell me that you don't seem to trust me using your computer. Please explain to me what it is that is bothering you and how we can fix it so that we can spend a pleasant evening together.
Hmm, you are getting YOUR point across. But is this SET and is SET the best approach here?
Is is SET? A good test is the use of "I". In SET one should try to avoid using "I" at all - avoid in ST and totally avoid in E - a good way to do this is to start without worrying about it and then REFORMULATING it without using "I". Doing that helps us shifting perspective from "I" to "YOU". Also When looking at T it is a bit long and is explaining a lot. When one explains one is often taking a defensive stance and easily falls into JADE. A good emotional mindset for SET is not defensive but balanced - we have nothing to fear - facts stand by themselves - we are not emotionally involved. This is important as we communicate our mental mindset with posture and tone of voice quite loudly - no matter what words we use. Here is a slightly better version - still not perfect:
S: I'll explain
E: You are worried about being locked out of the internet. Remembering passwords sucks.
T: It is a high priority email that must be sent today. I estimate to be finished in 10min and I promise NOT to to log you out.
Now is SET the right approach here at all? Not sure - there are not much facts to convey. Your mother has had a bad experience in the past, afraid of being locked out of the computer and is now panicking. Signaling that this concern has been heard may well have been enough. A validating response could have been:
V: Oh, being locked out of your own computer! Would not like that either, sorry about when it happened. Will take care it will NOT happen this time. Thanks for letting me use your computer, it is really important.
This takes care of her fears and possibly her resentment of you using her computer and not helping her (in my experience mothers have a knack of wanting to be helped but are really bad of letting themselves helped).
I don't know if this will change the way she interacts, because this type of behavior is the norm, but I do see the value in confronting the behavior rather than the person.
Validation is about confronting emotions and strikes at the heart of dysregulation which is root of less than rational behavior.
Boundaries is about protecting of abusive behavior (straight confronting behavior is usually controlling and leads to blow-ups. When confronting behavior it should be framed in DEARMAN)
In the meantime, I need to also process my own hurt towards her for the many many years of being picked on, which I have to say diminishes my capacity to use these types of tools because I do harbor resentment. But I certainly will try it.
This is really the hardest part. Validation and SET requires you to see the others emotional side as it is. But it is virtually impossible to do that while you feel strong resentment - resentment is a strong emotions that is painful, distracting and distorting your view. Your awareness of your own issues is commendable
and will be a good guide moving forward.
