feedback on making contact with her

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Today is day 22 of me not contacting her.

I would like some further feedback.  The entire time of our relationship I was going through some undiagnosed illness that was keeping me from functioning normally, even though I tried to be normal.  I had all kinds of symptoms.  She was supportive at times for this, as this illness made my life a nightmare and the therapist said fueled the obsessive behavior because I was away from her and could not function in normal activities and was just left to talk to her.

In a way, her positive energy and support for me helped me through a rough year in my life.   Our weekends together gave me something to look forward to when the rest of the time I was in a difficult school with some serious illness problems.

Yesterday, was a day of great relief and shock to me as they found some protozoa infections in my intestines and liver which have been causing all kinds of problems for me.  I am dying to share it with her, because she took the brunt of my suffering, and helped me through it.

Bad idea?

This huge burden is lifted off my shoulders.  And even though she ended up abandoning me in the end, I went crazy too.  Maybe she isn't BPD?  Maybe it was meant to be?  Maybe I am just so happy to finally be on the road to the right recovery?

Anyway, this seems all meant to be.  Before we broke up for good, I had given up on tracking down my health issue.  The breakup jumpstarted my path to wellness. 

[Outoftime44]

Today is day 22 of me not contacting her.

I would like some further feedback.  The entire time of our relationship I was going through some undiagnosed illness that was keeping me from functioning normally, even though I tried to be normal.  I had all kinds of symptoms.  She was supportive at times for this, as this illness made my life a nightmare and the therapist said fueled the obsessive behavior because I was away from her and could not function in normal activities and was just left to talk to her.

In a way, her positive energy and support for me helped me through a rough year in my life.   Our weekends together gave me something to look forward to when the rest of the time I was in a difficult school with some serious illness problems.

Yesterday, was a day of great relief and shock to me as they found some protozoa infections in my intestines and liver which have been causing all kinds of problems for me.  I am dying to share it with her, because she took the brunt of my suffering, and helped me through it.

Bad idea?

This huge burden is lifted off my shoulders.  And even though she ended up abandoning me in the end, I went crazy too.  Maybe she isn't BPD?  Maybe it was meant to be?  Maybe I am just so happy to finally be on the road to the right recovery?

Anyway, this seems all meant to be.  Before we broke up for good, I had given up on tracking down my health issue.  The breakup jumpstarted my path to wellness. 

[Im.okay.now]

Only you can decide if you should contact her or not. I would be worried that the end result might not be what you are hoping and you will end up getting hurt even more ?

[Outoftime44]

Only you can decide if you should contact her or not. I would be worried that the end result might not be what you are hoping and you will end up getting hurt even more ?

You're absolutely right.  I felt very good about this.  But I am glad I posted here before I did it.

What could would come from it?  Either she will ignore it (bad for me), she will be cold in response (bad for me), she will take it as a boost to her ego and make her feel good (not bad for me, but not something I want to do!), and it will touch her (very unlikely).

The reality of it being a nice comment on a year together- something positive to take away from a bad situation.  Maybe something good, I don't know, no hatred no painting black - there won't be any of that response will there?  Odds are it will be the bad.

It will just open more questions.

[runninggal81]

Good job on 22 days!

Also, it's good that you got your health issues addressed, or are at least on the road to resolving them.

My recommendation would be to focus on you and healing yourself for right now. In another 22 days, you can see how the different options of contacting her or not could make you feel. It may come to pass that in 22 more days, you don't want to talk to her OR you could be okay with a negative response.

Hang in there!

[Outoftime44]

Good job on 22 days!

Also, it's good that you got your health issues addressed, or are at least on the road to resolving them.

My recommendation would be to focus on you and healing yourself for right now. In another 22 days, you can see how the different options of contacting her or not could make you feel. It may come to pass that in 22 more days, you don't want to talk to her OR you could be okay with a negative response.

Hang in there!

Smart idea.   It is good to come here and get centered again. 


It is a marathon, not a sprint.  Sprinting got me into this mess.

No good can come from contacting her.  It is just easy to forget, that inspite of her issues, she was my friend who was a huge help.   I can't forget, not as easily as she can.

Being sick helped drive to the madness and obsession.   It is just such a relief and shock now to be maybe on the road to being myself once again. 

[2010]

Well, you’re only at three weeks- which means your brain is still actively longing for a hit of that substance that voids the sadness from arising. That substance you seek is either comfort or anger. Both are going to keep you from feeling abandonment depression.

You’ve had abandonment depression before this- and it wasn’t pleasant.  But you don’t remember much because you were only a tiny infant at the time it occurred. Now that you’re an adult, the reactivation of abandonment in your relationships causes theses painful memories to emerge- (but even more so because of Borderline Mirroring, Idealization and eventual Devaluation.)

So this abandonment depression (you were a small baby) forced you to step out of denial and into reality that the World (Mother and Father) were going somewhere without you- and that you were alone (separate and individual) and you needed to fend for yourself. That was frightening and you were angry at first (and you probably cried out loud from your crib to no avail) but you eventually overcame it and went on to become a separate and self sufficient person, realizing empathy for others and that others are not you and you are not them and that everyone is separate and alone and responsible for their own happiness.

If you did not, and you clung to your parents to avoid abandonment- you began the process of Borderline Personality disorder (the Self never fully separated and individuated and the World revolves around others to fulfill identity needs and happiness) –OR- you *never* experienced abandonment depression, because (the World revolves around me, me, me- no one abandons me. I am the World- all others must acknowledge that I exist.) which became malignant narcissism

To feel abandonment depression means that you are healthy, and normal. There are a couple of stages before the abandonment depression actually kicks in- and the mind wants to stay in each stage as long as possible.  Denial, of course, allows the habit to grow. Anger, when the habit becomes destructive. Bargaining, when you think you can change the outcome and avoid the abandonment- and then Acceptance.  Acceptance that you are alone and afraid.

Acceptance leads to a depressive state and psychological breakdown due to the perception and fear of abandonment as a permanent outcome. Don’t worry though, the sooner you have the breakdown, the faster you’ll have the breakthrough. Abandonment really is all about perception. For the most part, a relationship with a person suffering from Borderline skews that perception in a series of rewarding/withdrawing behaviors that can become much like torture to their partner. That back and forth instability can reach an addictive intensity due to stress hormones released in the blood and in the brain.

It takes about 90 days to break any addiction, (good or bad, it doesn’t matter) The Brain has to re-wire itself from the overload of stress hormones.  Most of those were released during the second and third stages of anger and bargaining- likely a huge chunk of the former relationship.  You see, the first stage you were in (denial,) really was the Brain’s way of coating the synapse from realizing fear and anxiety that something was *just not right*. You couldn’t stay in denial because you’re not deluded. You’re smart. Your Brain is smart and you cannot stop it from cueing your body when intuition tells it to. That’s what everyone calls, “red flags.” You know something’s wrong with your partner, but you’re just not sure what it is.

Unfortunately, your Body suffers. Your stress gets stuck in high gear when the Brain is working overtime. Once the Brain has hits of stress hormone, it wants more- because the longer you stay in stress mode, the less likely you will fall into a depressive state.  The Brain wants you ready and in “fight or flight.” Depression isn’t acceptable when in fight or flight. That’s nature’s way of protecting you from getting picked off in the herd by a hungry lion. We are hardwired in this way to stay in the fight or flee. A depressed gazelle is a dead gazelle.

You're not depressed yet. Oh, sure, you're sad- but you're still in the signs of the Bargaining stage, when the Brain takes control and asks for another “hit” of pain because the addiction asks for it. And the addiction doesn’t care about overcoming the addiction. The addiction wants what it wants and it wants to stay away from depression. It wants to stay in the fight. So you swirl around from denial to anger to bargain in an attempt to stay away from the inevitable outcome- acceptance and eventual abandonment depression.

These stages will swirl around. Their progression is not linear- in other words, they don’t progress in order. Today you could feel one way- tomorrow another... .

So think about what it is you want to accomplish with Bargaining. It is (without a doubt) the most conflicted and confusing stage of all- as the mind processes and tries to control the addictive thoughts that want comfort or turn to aggression. Both needs are fighting for supremacy in order to delay the inevitable outcome of self directed depression.  And the needs (comfort and aggression) both are outwardly directed. Inwardly directed, they would accomplish different goals. Anger at oneself is depression- Comfort for oneself is the ability to self-soothe. Both are involved in the goal of acceptance.

The goal of acceptance means you must move through the abandonment depression. In the meantime, do what you must to establish goals and get through the bargaining stage. If it's necessary to seek answers to all of your “what-if?” questions, then return and reengage your partner. Re-live the cycle of denial and anger, and when you come back around again to bargaining –you’ll know what to do because you’ve been there before.

Deja- vu is a part of the solution that leads to your breakthrough of acceptance. Be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time.

[left4good]

Yeah, uh... .what 2010 said!   

[innerspirit]

Hi Oot -- glad for you that they finally found the diagnosis for you, must have been really rough going thru all the symptoms without knowing what was going on.

Ironically there may not ever be a confirmed (PD) diagnosis for your X.  My X so adeptly avoided diagnosis that I just have to find some peace with my instincts about him, and for my own self-preservation, just let it go.

Some people have posted here about wanting to let their anger out without breaking NC.  What I've done is write it up in a letter to my X, put it in an envelope, stamp it, and drop it in the neighborhood mailbox without a name or address on the envelope.  For me it's been cathartic.  I wonder if that might help you -- just to go thru the motions of letting her know that way, even writing your thank-you that way, for her support for you while you were ill.  That way the feelings are "officially" expressed for as long as you maintain the NC.  To do something like that gave me a kind of closure with things that I couldn't break NC to say.

Unless there's a possibility that you were contagious when you were with her in person -- then obviously you'd have a moral responsibility to actually inform her.

Anyway, this seems all meant to be.  Before we broke up for good, I had given up on tracking down my health issue.  The breakup jumpstarted my path to wellness. 

  and it's a metaphor for emotional recovery as well.  It sounds like you're on the right road, and asking the right questions.

[Outoftime44]

That is an amazing post 2010.  Thank you.  Wow.  I'm in between cycles big time.

It's confusing.   And weird because, well, you all know why.

Thanks everyone 

[bluelotus9]

Regarding abandonment, may I suggest an excellent self help book that I found invaluable: 'The Journey from Abandonment to healing' by Susan Anderson. Her website is www.abandonment.net/index.html.

I am about 8 weeks into nc now, and today I saw my ex (inadvertently) for the first time (we work in adjacent buildings). I felt a wave of anger well up inside me, and walked swiftly on. I noticed she was hanging around almost out of sight on my return journey, so I then went through a few hours of feeling sorry for her, wondering whether she felt anything for me, and if she was crying etc, then fell into a depression which I am only just coming out of... .So that's all in the space of an afternoon & evening! (I live in the UK).

Anyway, excellent post 2010, really helped explain a lot - thanks... .

[David Dare]

2010, you are the man!  Your posts are very helpful for me.

As I've stated in another thread, I was at 11 months NC when my udBPDex contacted me through Facebook.  It wasn't really a meaningful contact, just a friend invite. 

After 11 months of NC nothing has changed.  I accepted the invite, and have nothing to say.  What is there to say?  "Hey, how's it going?  I'm sorry you have BPD."?

In my case, which is a different circumstance than OOT44's, all I can think of telling her is everything I've learned about BPD and questioning her about whether or not she already knows she's BPD. 

My emotions have settled down quite a bit after 11 months, but psychologically I am reacting to her 'virtual' presence just as I would have at 1 week, or 1 month.  There is a desire in me to ignore/deny the fact that she is disordered, to long for that fantasy relationship I thought I had when I was with her.  That is not a healthy way to think and is purely delusional.  In this regard it has already caused me unnecessary stress as the mental gears are turning, perhaps not at the same velocity they were 11 months ago, but turning nonetheless.

As 2010 stated, after a few months of NC the depression finally hit me.  It was brutal.  I felt all alone.  But, again, like 2010 stated, this is not the first time I've been in that position, and internal instincts were at play trying every mental deception to try and avoid going there until it finally hit me.  Basically, I'm trying to reinforce 2010's post.  It took a while for the depression to hit, but it was necessary, and I've slowly worked my way out of it ever since.

[RealEyes]

My emotions have settled down quite a bit after 11 months, but psychologically I am reacting to her 'virtual' presence just as I would have at 1 week, or 1 month.

Maybe you might consider Blocking her since she again has control over you in a virtual world now?

[David Dare]

RealEyes,

I think blocking is inevitable. It's only been a few days, and I'm kinda just testing my composure about it.  If she has nothing valuable to say in, I don't know, maybe a weeks time, she will be blocked.

I realize the mental gears are turning, and in a way I am facing it now in an attempt to gain control over my own mind.  It's like the battle within myself that I should have fought when we were together is now being waged.

[innerspirit]

I realize the mental gears are turning, and in a way I am facing it now in an attempt to gain control over my own mind.  It's like the battle within myself that I should have fought when we were together is now being waged.

Well-said.  I think that's why the hamster wheel keeps turning.  There isn't closure, it hurts like Hell.  Even the thought of virtual contact has a emotional charge to it.  Maybe it's because it's not much more surreal than the in-person contact was,

Now that it's after the breakup, we still want to make it right, make it fair.  It's Monday-morning quarterbacking to have another chance for the self-empowered, assertive things we could have said.  All the supportive things to them that somehow got lost or they didn't hear it.  All the -- uh --- less than appropriate things we'd still fantasize about saying.  The struggle burns for a while inside us, muscles still tensed for the interaction however it would turn out.  Or there's the urge to try it again from a place inside that's now more emotionally centered.

Takes a while to really accept that our healing is just about us.

[Crystal Ball]

The goal of acceptance means you must move through the abandonment depression. In the meantime, do what you must to establish goals and get through the bargaining stage. If it's necessary to seek answers to all of your “what-if?” questions, then return and reengage your partner. Re-live the cycle of denial and anger, and when you come back around again to bargaining –you’ll know what to do because you’ve been there before.

I have 'what-if's' but certainly don't want to 're-live the cycle of denial and anger'.  Have most of you gotten through the bargaining stage with NC to get to acceptance?

[Outoftime44]

I have 'what-if's' but certainly don't want to 're-live the cycle of denial and anger'.  Have most of you gotten through the bargaining stage with NC to get to acceptance?

No, the farther away, the more denial.  The more I blame myself for everything.  Or I hate the way that she blames me 100%.