Sister with undiagnosed BPD, sick mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My family has been trying to figure out what's been wrong with my sister for about 3 years now, and it seems that BPD may be part of the answer, based on what I've read. .When she was employed, she thought she was killing it, and had a highly manipulative boss who perhaps may have reinforced that thought. But even the whole time she was at that job, she remained completely dependent on my parents, paying rent at an apartment she barely lived at, and having my mother drive her everywhere, and being very verbally abusive and insulting to both of my parents the whole time. I've been living far from home since 2010, but every time I came home and she was there, I would dread the unpleasantness of her narcissism and manipulation of my extraordinarily kind and tolerant parents. She was already seeing doctors and therapists for ADHD, which, in my opinion, was always misdiagnosed. She took too much of her medication, which definitely contributed to her awful behavior.

In fall of 2013, she lost her job, and that led to a psychotic break. Her doctors didn't figure out the psychotic break for 7 months. During that time, she sort of acted like a strange wounded bird, but she was actually much nicer. Then, after the psychosis broke, she was despondent and crying all the time. She was actually nice then also. She then found another job in summer of 2014, but lost it by fall of 2014, because she didn't think it was as exciting as her last job and she just couldn't be there on time, would cry all day in the bathroom, etc. My mom was helping her every step at that time, too. After losing the second job, my parents found her looking up ways to kill herself, and they had her hospitalized. While hospitalized, she was put on another antidepressant, which was sort of part of the disaster we are handling right now - I noticed in December 2014 when I was home for Christmas that she had gone back to being needy but hostile. She was applying for jobs, and kept insisting that her only problem was that she was depressed because of her unemployment. She then came to visit me twice, in January 2015 and March 2015. These trips were relatively even keel, aside from crying fits and her being positively evil whenever we tried to wake her up to go to anything.

Since this summer, things have gotten very bad. I can't imagine how she could possibly ever hold down a job again. She decided to go off all of her meds, except occasionally adderall, without which it seems she can't get anything done. My parents took her on two work trips with them, but I was getting desperate emails from them the whole time about how miserable, angry, incompetent, and verbally abusive she was the whole time. She has started accusing my dad of having been abusive growing up. (Nothing could be further from the truth. My parents have been extraordinarily loving and attentive our whole lives.) I paid for her to come on a trip with my mom and me, but I had her leave halfway through, because she was impossible to travel with - picked fights at every opportunity, intentionally saying the most hurtful things to everyone at the slightest provocation (for instance, I went through a very rough breakup a year ago and she loves to tell me I'll never find anyone), and couldn't get up or go anywhere on time. She also talks continuously, without stopping, and only about herself, often about the lost glory of her first job. and before she left for the airport, she looked me right in the eye and said "I'm going to poison your dog." She now claims she never said that.

She also now has insomnia and even if she does fall asleep, talks continuously in her sleep, and then, when woken up, continues to talk just to spite the other person to hinder them sleeping. Literally like a torture technique. Our one hope is her boyfriend, whom she's been with for 9 years, but she has been staying with him for 3 months, and he's had enough - he's also trying to build a career, and she won't let him sleep. My mom was just diagnosed with at least stage 3 if not stage 4 breast cancer and will start chemo soon, so she won't be able to shepherd her to doctors appointments. I'm leaving for my job in Asia in less than a week. We can't afford a home for her, and honestly, she doesn't commit to routines with doctors - she hasn't seen anyone in months. She's an impossible abrasive human to have in anyone's midst, especially my mom's, who has overwhelming guilt about the whole thing, but she has to take care of her own health now! And my dad has to take care of her too.

Does anyone have any ideas on what to do with an unemployed BPD family member who is literally impossible to have in the home? She makes every environment toxic. I don't want her stressing my mom out while my mom is undergoing chemo. And to be honest, she doesn't even seem to think she is sick. She still thinks it's the unemployment, and possibly some depression, and is VERY hostile 98 percent of the time when we imply there is something wrong with her and she needs more help. She still thinks she is an amazing lawyer who has been mistreated by the world and deserves luxury living; for instance, even when living off my parents' or her boyfriend's charity, she insists on eating out all the time. And when anyone brings up money, she claims we are all stingy. I don't even know what she tells therapists - probably that we are all evil. And when I read about "validation" techniques, or listening to her same tirades over and over again, we've been doing that for 3 years, sometimes understandingly, sometimes pointing out she's harping on the same things uselessly, wanting to gouge our eyes out the whole time. It's more than a non-mental health professional can take, really, much less a long-suffering mom with cancer and two exhausted family members.

Anyway, thanks for reading through the end. Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

[mari28]

My family has been trying to figure out what's been wrong with my sister for about 3 years now, and it seems that BPD may be part of the answer, based on what I've read. .When she was employed, she thought she was killing it, and had a highly manipulative boss who perhaps may have reinforced that thought. But even the whole time she was at that job, she remained completely dependent on my parents, paying rent at an apartment she barely lived at, and having my mother drive her everywhere, and being very verbally abusive and insulting to both of my parents the whole time. I've been living far from home since 2010, but every time I came home and she was there, I would dread the unpleasantness of her narcissism and manipulation of my extraordinarily kind and tolerant parents. She was already seeing doctors and therapists for ADHD, which, in my opinion, was always misdiagnosed. She took too much of her medication, which definitely contributed to her awful behavior.

In fall of 2013, she lost her job, and that led to a psychotic break. Her doctors didn't figure out the psychotic break for 7 months. During that time, she sort of acted like a strange wounded bird, but she was actually much nicer. Then, after the psychosis broke, she was despondent and crying all the time. She was actually nice then also. She then found another job in summer of 2014, but lost it by fall of 2014, because she didn't think it was as exciting as her last job and she just couldn't be there on time, would cry all day in the bathroom, etc. My mom was helping her every step at that time, too. After losing the second job, my parents found her looking up ways to kill herself, and they had her hospitalized. While hospitalized, she was put on another antidepressant, which was sort of part of the disaster we are handling right now - I noticed in December 2014 when I was home for Christmas that she had gone back to being needy but hostile. She was applying for jobs, and kept insisting that her only problem was that she was depressed because of her unemployment. She then came to visit me twice, in January 2015 and March 2015. These trips were relatively even keel, aside from crying fits and her being positively evil whenever we tried to wake her up to go to anything.

Since this summer, things have gotten very bad. I can't imagine how she could possibly ever hold down a job again. She decided to go off all of her meds, except occasionally adderall, without which it seems she can't get anything done. My parents took her on two work trips with them, but I was getting desperate emails from them the whole time about how miserable, angry, incompetent, and verbally abusive she was the whole time. She has started accusing my dad of having been abusive growing up. (Nothing could be further from the truth. My parents have been extraordinarily loving and attentive our whole lives.) I paid for her to come on a trip with my mom and me, but I had her leave halfway through, because she was impossible to travel with - picked fights at every opportunity, intentionally saying the most hurtful things to everyone at the slightest provocation (for instance, I went through a very rough breakup a year ago and she loves to tell me I'll never find anyone), and couldn't get up or go anywhere on time. She also talks continuously, without stopping, and only about herself, often about the lost glory of her first job. and before she left for the airport, she looked me right in the eye and said "I'm going to poison your dog." She now claims she never said that.

She also now has insomnia and even if she does fall asleep, talks continuously in her sleep, and then, when woken up, continues to talk just to spite the other person to hinder them sleeping. Literally like a torture technique. Our one hope is her boyfriend, whom she's been with for 9 years, but she has been staying with him for 3 months, and he's had enough - he's also trying to build a career, and she won't let him sleep. My mom was just diagnosed with at least stage 3 if not stage 4 breast cancer and will start chemo soon, so she won't be able to shepherd her to doctors appointments. I'm leaving for my job in Asia in less than a week. We can't afford a home for her, and honestly, she doesn't commit to routines with doctors - she hasn't seen anyone in months. She's an impossible abrasive human to have in anyone's midst, especially my mom's, who has overwhelming guilt about the whole thing, but she has to take care of her own health now! And my dad has to take care of her too.

Does anyone have any ideas on what to do with an unemployed BPD family member who is literally impossible to have in the home? She makes every environment toxic. I don't want her stressing my mom out while my mom is undergoing chemo. And to be honest, she doesn't even seem to think she is sick. She still thinks it's the unemployment, and possibly some depression, and is VERY hostile 98 percent of the time when we imply there is something wrong with her and she needs more help. She still thinks she is an amazing lawyer who has been mistreated by the world and deserves luxury living; for instance, even when living off my parents' or her boyfriend's charity, she insists on eating out all the time. And when anyone brings up money, she claims we are all stingy. I don't even know what she tells therapists - probably that we are all evil. And when I read about "validation" techniques, or listening to her same tirades over and over again, we've been doing that for 3 years, sometimes understandingly, sometimes pointing out she's harping on the same things uselessly, wanting to gouge our eyes out the whole time. It's more than a non-mental health professional can take, really, much less a long-suffering mom with cancer and two exhausted family members.

Anyway, thanks for reading through the end. Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

[Charlie3236]

Gosh I really feel for you! It sounds a lot like my sister, who is actually BPD and Bipolar (yay!). I'm not sure there is anything you can do about her mental health or her living situation. And it's prob up to your parents to cut the cord as well, everyone is an adult and responsible for their own health.

I've had to face the fact that my sister, the beautiful little giggling girl with the long golden hair, is now angry, sick, nasty and intolerable. And she may end up homeless. She may end up committing suicide. I don't want these things at all, and I'm not being heartless... .I want her to be well. But her mental health is up to HER. We cannot force them to get help. Sadly.

The best you can do is emotionally detach and practice "cool empathy" I think it's called. The more I read about these disorders the better I'm equipped to not get sucked into the constant drama. It's hard. I'd like to say it gets better, but I think only the acceptance of what IS reality becomes more solidified. I hope and pray you all get a decent living arrangement figured out, good luck and God bless! <3

[Auslaunder]

Mari,

That is a very difficult situation. I hope your mother's health improves soon. Your sister sounds very ill and like her mental health is deteriorating. I expect this causes your parents great distress? Have your parents sought professional help for themselves to help them detach from your sister? You say your mother feels guilt about the situation. It is not her fault this has happened and therapy might help her see this and adjust her expectations for your sister. If they choose to allow her to live with them, it would decrease the anxiety and emotional distress she is causing them.

This article explains the reasons those with mental illness have trouble seeing that they have mental impairments and offers advice on how to move a pwBPD towards accepting treatment.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[mari28]

Thank you so much for the responses and support. I think making sure my parents are going to therapy is a great idea. My dad seems hopeful about having her back in the house, so we will see.