I keep fantasizing about my ex. I can't really stop

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ok Guys... .This one is a little personal and kind of embarrassing... .But I really need help on this one.

I keep fantasizing about my ex. I can't really stop. Nothing else seems to do it for me. I really want this to go away but it seems so ingrained. Even after I have sex with someone else, I still fantasize about my ex afterwards. It is making me crazy. And it is one of the main hooks that kept me in the relationship and one of the main hooks that is keeping me stuck. Does anyone have any advice? This has been going on for six months now and I can't seem to break free. Help!

[willy45]

Ok Guys... .This one is a little personal and kind of embarrassing... .But I really need help on this one.

I keep fantasizing about my ex. I can't really stop. Nothing else seems to do it for me. I really want this to go away but it seems so ingrained. Even after I have sex with someone else, I still fantasize about my ex afterwards. It is making me crazy. And it is one of the main hooks that kept me in the relationship and one of the main hooks that is keeping me stuck. Does anyone have any advice? This has been going on for six months now and I can't seem to break free. Help!

[wowjer]

Yeah, can somebody help johnnyorganic out because I have struggled with the same thing for 10 years.  Well, and ever since the break-up 4 months ago.   

[Want2know]

I'll attempt to fill you in, however, it is kind of a theory on my part, along with some reading I have done about sexual fantasies (blush, blush).

For me, the sex I had with my ex was like none I had experienced in my life.  So, in some ways, it was a sexual awakening.  People tend to base their fantasies, not so consciously, on sexual experiences in life that were a part of that awakening.  Most of the time, it is from early on in life, however, if you had the kind of sex that many of us had with our ex's, it may be a part of that.

[Justadude]

What did she gove you during sex you are not feeling in your sex life today? Was it the eye contact, the intensity, the extreme dirtiness? Was it the frequency? What was it about your sex with her that was so wonderful and addicting that you can't feel elsewhere?

[wowjer]

Sad thing is that I realize what the problem is with me.  

I became a masochist.  It was such a power and control, push/pull sort of thing that the sex became FABULOUS.  I realize that the sex was far from the best I have ever experienced, however; when I was able to have a sexual experience with my uBPDexw, it made me feel like she gave a crap.  Now, I know it was a tool to keep me in check.  The sad thing is that I recognize the power and control aspect of it now.  

Johnnyorganic, I have been through many break-ups with my ex.  She has used sex as a tool to keep me in check *recycle* for years.  AND IT HAS WORKED.  Now that I recognize the issue, I am not overly stressed about it.  I still do fantasize about my ex... .even after sex with a new person.  I know this is sad, but I will admit that it assists me in recognizing that I am still emotionally involved.  I actually have half naked pictures of my ex from the last break-up and recycle 6 years ago.  (we were broken up for a year and then she was emailing me photos of her half naked self, which partially sucked me right back in).  

Overall, I belive the fantasies are OK.  I already know that I fantasize about her a lot less now than I did months ago.  It pisses me off that i fantasize about her, but still recognize that it is decreasing over time.  There are good days and bad days.  I truely believe that as time moves forward, that it will end.  No matter what, if you are NC then stay NC.  I unfortunatley/fortunately have 2 children with my ex and see her at least 8 times/week.  This at times makes it more troublesome.  

And i am also a sick puppy because I know she left me AGAIN for another person, yet I have fantasies.  Those darn childhood abandonment issues.  

The problem will go away with time and personal growth.  

[Blessed0329]

Even though I held off my ex's repeated attempts to seduce me into committing adultery with him, the fantasies were, and still are, great. I have decided that I can continue to fantasize about him in this way and it is ok for me, because it is compartmentalized. Does that make sense?

[Want2know]

The problem will go away with time and personal growth.  

I believe this is true.  I have found that as my idea of sexual intimacy has "matured", the fantasies of my ex are diminishing.  The sex I had with him was not what I would consider a healthy or mature level of intimacy where feelings of love, respect, honesty, etc. are involved.

[susanleona]

It is the same for me.  But like a previous poster, compartmentalized.  He as a person is out of my life, but as a detached sexual fantasy will probably need to continue until something better comes along... .with time.  This has happened to me before.  It can take years... .

[bpdspell]

Ok Guys... .This one is a little personal and kind of embarrassing... .But I really need help on this one.

I keep fantasizing about my ex. I can't really stop. Nothing else seems to do it for me. I really want this to go away but it seems so ingrained. Even after I have sex with someone else, I still fantasize about my ex afterwards. It is making me crazy. And it is one of the main hooks that kept me in the relationship and one of the main hooks that is keeping me stuck. Does anyone have any advice? This has been going on for six months now and I can't seem to break free. Help!

Hey Johnny Organic,

Sex cannot be used to cover up grief, sad feelings or loneliness; it will only come back to bit you in the butt. The sex I had with my ex was toe curling and awesome but it was also empty, disconnected, and a tool of control. When I needed our lovemaking to go to the next level of deep intimacy it triggered my ex in ways that really broke my heart. If the sex was enough for us we'd still be with them. What we really want is love: to be loved, validated, accepted, appreciated, nurtured, and treated as valuable. Our ex's cannot do that for us.

We also have to remember that we were in the bedroom too. So the great sex is a 50/50 deal. You were 50 percent of that so take some credit! The sex also comes off as more powerful because there were so many other parts of the relationship that sucked. Often the good sex often overcompensated for the parts of the relationship that were pure hell: the neediness, the entitlement, the madness, the narcissism, the one sided lopsidedness of it all.

The thoughts of sex with them are the equivalent of an addiction but your feelings about sex will evolve as you mature. I now see sex without intimacy like a quarter in a hollow jar.

Spell

[Rhymes w/Orange]

Johnny,

If you really want to stop, here's what might work.

I know you must have plenty of negative memories to draw from.

Something about the ex that is disgusting, painful, or just plain a huge turn-off.

If you attach that turn-off memory to your fantasy, it will cancel it out.

So... .here comes the fantasy, and then in your mind you interject a "trigger" word that reminds you of the way the ex turned you off.  You may have to repeat it a few times at first. But it just might work.

Make sure it's not just a random turn-off idea. It has to be a turn-off behavior that the ex did because the fantasy is the ex. That way you can cancel out the "ex" fantasy without interfering with the "new relationship" thoughts.

I hope that helps.

I know it worked for me, although I wasn't trying for it. That's just what happened.

[smartwoman220]

Omg... .I  totally understand.  Me and him  were awesome together. I stated in one of my prior post, that  sex was  the one place I always felt total control. Except for oral,  he  would never relax enough to let me finish, but, when he knew I was slipping ( so to speak)  he would do me .  He also knew that sex , for me was special, a gift so to speak, so if I didn't feel up to it, or i was  tired,  he assumed  it was a problem.   He would with hold sex when he was angry, or sulking.

I keep thinking about him.  Partially I'm  jealous that  he may already be with someone else.  Even though I know our situation is dangerous, I am starting to miss his touch, and his smell.

 

[willy45]

Hey Guys,

Thanks for that. BPDHOPE, I will try that. I think I need to be more disciplined about it. There are certainly many turn-offs. I will try to do that.

And Smarthwoman 220, I totally hear you. I miss her touch and the way she smelled. Smell is very important for me and I loved the way she smelled, the way her sheets smelled, the way her hair smelled. But I digress... .I need to focus on the turn-offs!

Here's a list:

1) She always wanted to 'connect' first by gazing deeply into my eyes and then we would argue about what that was all about.

2) A lot of the times, she seemed to do it out of obligation.

3) A lot of times, she would flip flop in terms of what she wanted. I could see it happening before my eyes. Soft, hard, sexy, romantic, dirty. Once I told it was very confusing. She said: If you think you are confused, think about how I feel! 4) She would initiate sex only to have it get weird because she was tired or cranky and then it was off.

4) She would initiate and I would have to go pee or something and then when I got back, she wasn't into any more. In the span of 3 minutes.

5) She was getting pretty out of shape and often I would shift my eyes to avoid parts of her body that looked pretty funky. I wanted to keep the illusion in tact... .I am in way, way better shape than she is and this always seemed to be a point of contention for her. She would tell me: 'You know, not everyone is an amazing athlete."

6) Sometimes I felt like she was putting out in order to hook me, to make sure I would stick around

7) She sometimes seemed to use sex as a means to get what she wanted, sense of connection. Kind of like a ‘I will do this for you, if you do this for me’ kind of thing. But the thing I was supposed to do was not sexual, it was much more about showing my undying love for her.

These, though, aren't really turn offs when she is in my mind... .Maybe I should focus on something physical about her? There were certainly things I thought were pretty gross... .Not deal breakers. But, I 'turned the other cheek' so to speak to ignore them. Blarg.

[Rhymes w/Orange]

These, though, aren't really turn offs when she is in my mind... .Maybe I should focus on something physical about her? There were certainly things I thought were pretty gross... .Not deal breakers. But, I 'turned the other cheek' so to speak to ignore them. Blarg.

OK, Johnny. Maybe I need to specify. I think it works better if it's not a *sexual* turn-off thing. Because we are so used to ignoring those or getting past them while with the pwBPD. So I don't think those will work well at all.

Try for something that is completely unrelated. Like... .ok, this is out there, but maybe your ex picked their nose and ate it. And the thought of it was so gross to you that if you had thought about it during sex with ex it would have turned you off. Get it? Go for something like that if you have it.

Not necessarily a mistreatment of you personally, but a general turnoff. Of course- if you have some other image, do whatever works! 

[Tausk]

I understand about the sex thing.  My ex was super model beautiful.   Not said by me, but by many of my friends and acquaintances.  She was 15 years younger, 5'9" and when I watched the Victoria Secret fashion show when we were together, i thought of her.  And the sex was just incredible, not in terms of craziness, but just like it made me feel like I was this great lover and stud.

But I had to stop after I learned about BPD.  Because, it was never the same.  Sex for me was about communication, trust, support and partnership.  For her, it was about temporarily killing the pain, validation about something she could give to me, and about a means of control for her.

I began to realized it was like having sex with an emotionally stunted three year old.  It's fine for a one night stand, but for me, it wasn't enough in a partner.  There was not trust, no love, no mutual empathy.  It was just selfish.

It just felt like having sex with a scared and disordered child.  Pedophiles talk about how great their relationships with five year-old children.   That the kids are compliant, and derive great satisfaction from satisfying the adult and the children enjoy the love and attention that they receive in return.  It felt the same to me.

After I split up and we tried the friendship route, I told her that I wouldn't let her move back in or have sex with her because I wanted us to be friends and maybe partners.  In her most honest and saddest statement that she ever made to me, she said, "I don't know how to do those things.  All I can do is give you sex and cook for you."

I knew that self awareness on both our parts was the only path that we might have if we were going to find love.  Every therapist (six in all) said that we needed to be a part.  Stopping having sex with my ex was the greatest gift that I could give to her and was the gift of greatest respect since I was hoping she would respond as an adult.

Instead she took it as abandonment and is now with a man that she cultivated and kept on a hook while we were still living together. 

It's sad, but I want love.  I want sex with my partner to be at least in some part about adult support, mutual respect and an about love.  My ex gfwBPD will likely never even come close to being capable of having sex mean the same things as me.

So advice, just think of her as a terrified emotionally disturbed three-year old who was slave traded to you and has to provide you with sexual gratification in order for her not to be brutally punished by her worst nightmare (abandonment).   It's really not far from the truth.

[GreenMango]

Worth a read:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136079.0

[HardTruth]

JohnnyOrganic - You said before that sex with your ex was like the best porn-star sex.  Well, porn is not necessarily associated with intimacy... .just the opposite in fact.  So, in my opinion, if you hold that up as your ideal, you are putting yourself in a no-win situation.

The two things are mutually exclusive.  Do you really want intimacy or do you want porn-star sex?  And even more importantly, why isn't increased intimacy with sex more appealing  and satisfying to you than what is possibly mirroring/inauthentic sexual expression?

I remember my counselor saying to me, why do you always fall in love with men who can't ever love you the way that you want to be loved?  It's a catch 22.  I say I want a great guy with integrity, a loving heart, and is monogamous, and yet the men I fall in love with are emotionally unavailable.  Not just to me but anyone.  So, she asked me, why can't I want the thing that I say that I want?  Why am I not attracted to those good men?

She explained it to me like this... .Some people are primarily "fusors" and some are "withdrawers", so their relationship looks like this / (me)... ./(him).  If I do this, move away from him - \... .guess what?  he might do that - \  a little bit, move closer to me. 

She said that ultimately we BOTH have problems with intimacy!  We both have a certain distance that's comfortable between us, although I don't recognize my own issues here because I am always wanting "more", or so it appears.  She said that if we were closer, like /  /  instead of /         /, I'd probably feel uncomfortable, and my brain would start telling me all these things that were wrong with him... Thus keeping me in the cycle of suffering and loneliness in relationship... .

She said that ideally, both people would look more like this-   l  l.  Intimate and open, yet independent.  Responsive to each other, but not co-dependant.  Not this! X !   So, if he withdraws I don't freak out because I'm not primarily drawing my need for validation from him.  If he fuses or becomes needy, I don't push him away because I've dealt with my triggers for intimacy and my own fears of engulfment and abandonment.

Does this make sense?  So, ultimately, if your brain thinks it wants one thing, but your subconscious/emotions wants and desires the opposite... .you have to clear your own blocks to intimacy in order to really have it.  To be able to be integrated, have more of the experience that Schroder's Piano is describing - where your brain wants one thing, and   your body is on board with that too.

I am OBVIOUSLY still working on this whole thing! 

[willy45]

HardTruth,

You are kind of blowing my mind  here.

Also, it is my birthday!   

Thanks though. I am going to spend the last hour of my birthday NOT thinking about this!

[HardTruth]

Happy Birthday!  Hope it was a good one

Here is a TED talk that a friend sent me.  I really liked it and thought it was appropriate for this thread.  Wondering what you all think?

www.tedxamericanriviera.com/sheila-kelley-lets-get-naked/