Stupid is as stupid does... is that me?

[DyingLove]

Okay,, well here I am again. Yes it's me, and out of my own mouth yesterday I agreed that, it's me the idiot. I used a different word than idiot but for the sake of not being vulgar here I won't repeat it. Since last week it's been hell, and I've been falling prey to the bait that has been set for me. No less than four days, not perfectly in a row, but grouped within to one week, it's been a living nightmare. In all fairness, she has been inconsistent with her medication. We can't get a prescription for Pristiq, the insurance company won't cover it. We ended up with some type of generic equivalent which definitely does not work as well. She does have a few Pristiq left but to save them she's has cut her dose in half. So surprise surprise guess what happened, circular arguments abounding! Accusations, hurtful words, a lack of understanding,, it's all been here nonstop.

Say boys and girls, guess what I did yesterday? I reverted to a normal, angry, loudmouth male! I ranted and raved in real time! As good as it felt at the moment it all turned to crap just as fast. I actually saw a glimmer of happiness in her eye, not to mention one side of her lip sort of raise in the essence of a smile as she heard me turning into a madman. Once again as fast as that happened, it was like tagteam action. She jumped right in with her invisible BPD doctors bag, reached in, and pulled out her BPD dirty bomb. All hell broke loose. Honestly, for the past week it must have been a role reversal. I have never felt so wrong, so insane, so guilty in all my life. I actually thought it was getting better, but it can all turn around in a blink of an eye.

Get a load of this-I'm feeling so helpless, that even posting here with the hope of finding some sympathy for the way I feel right now (which is sad because I almost feel that I'm asking for pity) feels hopeless.

Yesterday, actually last night, I saw some very emotional/nearly violent behavior in my significant other. This was totally scary. I kept my sneakers on, I kept my lanyard with my keys around my neck, and I was very aware of where knives and other sharp items were in the kitchen. I'm originally a Brooklyn boy, and we know better than to take anything for granted. But this Brooklyn boy, has been fooled over and over time and time again by this one woman. If I didn't love her, or the love just turned off that instant,, somehow I would walk out. Yes things are that bad right now. The amount of time that needs to pass and for me to be patient to have everything fall into place again seems to be so long and so far away. Several weeks ago, maybe even a month, I thought to myself: she doesn't seem to be bad or as bad the way I read about others. I was thinking to myself that may be we were lucky. Now I'm saying to myself, I see most of everything coming full circle. I still believe in a day or two or so, this may all blow over, my heart may quickly heal, my mind and body rest, and have once again, a false illusion that everything is just fine. Am I really that stupid? And yes, somebody please answer that! Also, another question for somebody to please answer for me, if someone has the answer: yes she makes me feel that I am wrong, and yes she makes me feel so damn guilty, yes she plays the game and presses the button's, now here comes the question-why do I feel like I am going to lose her, and that is going to be the tragic part? In other words, yes I am afraid of losing her... .  but shouldn't it be that she's afraid of losing me? If I can get over that feeling, I think I can have control back over myself, and begin healing and getting my life in order. See,, I knew this ranting and raving was for a reason. Even if only to materialize a question that can help me find myself once again. Do we have any takers here? Because I certainly can use some answers right now. Hugs would be wonderful also, but I'll take it one step at a time and just hope that I can pull myself together.

Have you heard this before? It either started as a joke, or something... .  It's the statement where it is said: that a crazy person doesn't know he's crazy. Well would it also be true, that a normal person, would know that he's not crazy, because he questions his own actions? To clarify this, I mean that a crazy person would not question anything, and just say "hey, I'm not crazy". But the normal person may say "Gee, am I really crazy here"? Is this making sense? I do find myself dipping very deep into the ocean of thought in my head. I know that too much thinking inward is not good. So is less thinking better? I guess ignorance really is bliss. All right, let me stop this and listen to you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

first things first     

OK... .  now... .  you're being rather hard on yourself.  take a deep breath.  I'm not going to answer your questions right now.  I need time to process what you've said, but just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.

RL

[DyingLove]

first things first     

OK... .  now... .  you're being rather hard on yourself.  take a deep breath.  I'm not going to answer your questions right now.  I need time to process what you've said, but just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.

RL

Thanks for the Hugs Rockylove.  I know I'm being hard on myself... .  It's directly related to what I'm receiving on this end.  It hurts for sure, believe me.

Knowing you are thinking of me feels good... .  throws a wrench into the grand scheme of me losing sanity. I needed that.   

[elemental]

You stay calm by detaching and keeping yourself strong.

It's really important not to try and stay in it and let it wear you down to that point. Take breaks, take care of yourself. Clear your head.

All I see, is you are beating yourself up for something you really can alleviate, that is your emotional and mental exhaustion.

What can you do to help alleviate it. Tell us some things you like to do that you enjoy and usually refresh you?

[Rockylove]

I've yet to figure out how to insert a quote... .  it copies the whole thing when I do it!  ok... .  so I'm not all that computer savvy.  If anyone can explain it to me, I'd be grateful.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand... .  You asked "Am I stupid"  yup!  Just like the rest of humanity!  You love and are hurt by someone you've entrusted your heart to.  If we didn't care, it wouldn't hurt.

I shall not give you pity.  Pity evokes a sense of inferiority of the sufferer and shows a lack of respect for their dignity... .  therefore, if you would like to have a pity party, you will not receive an RSVP from me.  I will however lend an ear and send you cyber hugs!  It sounds as though you reached a breaking point and now you feel awful about it... .  that isn't anything to be ashamed of... .  you're human and humans are fallible.  Be kind to yourself.  Someone once told me that I wasn't more powerful than God and if God can forgive ALL I should be able to forgive one stupid mistake I made.  

From some of your posts, I have gotten a sense that you've not completely accepted the move to your current place.  Leaving everything you know behind to be with someone who is very challenging to live with may seem like a mountain that you're climbing backwards.  I know.  I've been there.  I feel for you on that one.  Perhaps a visit back home?  It would give you a chance to regroup and see if the life you've been living is truly what you want.  

I hope that things settle down quickly and that the damage to YOU isn't permanent.    I'll be lighting a candle for you and sending blessings (because that's what tree huggers do  )

[Rockylove]

More thoughts... .  

Also, another question for somebody to please answer for me, if someone has the answer: yes she makes me feel that I am wrong, and yes she makes me feel so damn guilty, yes she plays the game and presses the button's... .  

I don't want this to sound harsh because I know you're in a bad head space right now, but no one can MAKE you feel anything.  Why do YOU feel that you are "wrong" (I personally have a philosophy which negates the 'right and wrong' issue~~which I will tell you if you care to hear it) and why do YOU feel guilty? 

Don't feel alone with the button pushing... .  I think everyone has buttons to push (something I'm really working on!) and the thing we have to ask ourselves is~~are the buttons real boundaries or are they walls?  Was she able to push your proverbial button because she crossed the boundaries or that you've established a hot spot that you've built a wall around? 

I believe there's a lot of ego involved in regard to button pushing.  My ego always took a hit when someone would say I was stupid... .  I'm hypersensitive to that... .  I'm insecure... .  my insecurity became a hot spot and build I built a wall around it.   I became protective of my hot spot and fueled it constantly with negative thoughts and emotions (geez, I'm an idiot~~boy, could I have been any more stupid? and the like) If I trusted someone and they broke through that wall and touched my hot spot they were gunna get burned!  Build the wall higher!  It was a vicious cycle and I created it all in my mind compliments of my insecurities!

As far as fearing losing her... .  is it really HER that you fear losing or the illusion of what you perceived her to be?  Perhaps you fear losing part of yourself because you have another failed relationship (another one for the ego) I don't know anyone who would rather be the dumpee than the dumper

[DyingLove]

More thoughts... .  

Also, another question for somebody to please answer for me, if someone has the answer: yes she makes me feel that I am wrong, and yes she makes me feel so damn guilty, yes she plays the game and presses the button's... .  

I don't want this to sound harsh because I know you're in a bad head space right now, but no one can MAKE you feel anything.  Why do YOU feel that you are "wrong" (I personally have a philosophy which negates the 'right and wrong' issue~~which I will tell you if you care to hear it) and why do YOU feel guilty? 

Don't feel alone with the button pushing... .  I think everyone has buttons to push (something I'm really working on!) and the thing we have to ask ourselves is~~are the buttons real boundaries or are they walls?  Was she able to push your proverbial button because she crossed the boundaries or that you've established a hot spot that you've built a wall around? 

I believe there's a lot of ego involved in regard to button pushing.  My ego always took a hit when someone would say I was stupid... .  I'm hypersensitive to that... .  I'm insecure... .  my insecurity became a hot spot and build I built a wall around it.   I became protective of my hot spot and fueled it constantly with negative thoughts and emotions (geez, I'm an idiot~~boy, could I have been any more stupid? and the like) If I trusted someone and they broke through that wall and touched my hot spot they were gunna get burned!  Build the wall higher!  It was a vicious cycle and I created it all in my mind compliments of my insecurities!

As far as fearing losing her... .  is it really HER that you fear losing or the illusion of what you perceived her to be?  Perhaps you fear losing part of yourself because you have another failed relationship (another one for the ego) I don't know anyone who would rather be the dumpee than the dumper

Hi Rockylove, thank you for your replies and words of wisdom as always. I don't think they are harsh whatsoever, in fact, it feels like you buttered them up just a tad for me. My heartfelt thanks always!

Yes I was in a very very bad headspace, and I'm not exactly sure when I got back to feeling wonderful, which I do right now, but I do know that prior to today I was a shambles. There was a lot of button pushing, and I did some of my own button pushing right back. I don't deny this. I hate playing the game, but I am good at playing the game in return. I am also just as quick to stop and and the gameplaying, straightfaced and serious. She cannot respond when I do that, she just continues to game. Regarding the boundaries/walls she had to have seen that I was trying to remove myself from the conflict. She's a very smart woman, and she knows how to reach into my chest through a neat little hole and rip my heart out right before my eyes. The point I've gotten to right now was achieved by slightly walking on eggshells to eliminate the BS, and then kind of get everything changed on to a different topic without trying to return to the initial circular reference department. Another thing that made a big difference was this, most of the time that we were feuding it was just her and I, the past weekend our seven-year-old went to stay with the Disney dad (and that is a whole 'nother story). Once we got the little one home last night, there seems to have been a distraction added in between the two of us. Kind of took her mind off us and settled it right onto the little one.

I'm going to mention something very close to home, part of my ill feelings are nurtured by what I feel is a lack of respect and consideration from my significant other. Flat out, I don't like that crap! I'm not asking for a pat on the back, ever, but some recognition and a few kind words to help nourish my heart and ego would be nice. I sometimes get that from a place I never expected so it really doesn't feed my need because it pops up unexpectedly. While Sunday evening, a good piece of the turmoil involved my bruised ego and of course there is nothing I can say to her to make her understand that I'm not only down, but I'm kicked.

What I'm getting to is going to be ironic, because as much as I seem like a btch to her, and I know I do, yesterday when we picked up the little one, she needed to talk to the little ones dad, because the little one has been caught forging her dad's name on some papers that needed to be returned to school. A seven-year-old, can you believe that! But anyway, the Disney dad does not like to be texted because it creates written evidence and since he is an ex-con, controlling manipulating person, he insists on a phone call. I know he does this because my significant other is definitely under his thumb. I never give my significant other any reason to fear me, but he does. So, he calls her up and tells her that he doesn't like to be texted and she should call. She replies back, I'll do what I have to do (she has definitely grown some balls since I've been around). Well, the next thing I heard after the phone call from her was that he cursed around. So now I'm thinking, will she notice that I'm the best thing in her life, especially after her brief moment of being made to feel like crap. She never talks back to him and that makes me feel out of place often, because he is no longer married to her but does remain in the picture because of the child. So, I'm enjoying the fact that she got ripped a new one, especially after previously ripping me a new one! Is it karma? Or is it just what goes around comes around?

All right now, for the losing her part. I've got admit I don't enjoy being alone. I've given up everything I've had, as well as left the North United States to travel to the south United States to be with her. It is scary knowing that if something goes wrong, where do I go? How can I straighten my head out fast enough to deal with my own needs? How many times do I have to go through this in life?

I don't think we have a failed relationship at all, it's just that when one little thing goes wrong it actually feels like the earth is opening up under us without any mercy whatsoever. Not only do I love her, I care about her. I care about me to, but I'm not the one who has needed attention constantly because of the BPD. So I've given her lots and lots of my attention, my feelings, my support, and everything else there is to give. This is a tough one because I'd be talking about her as if she was a cut of meat. I mean let's face it, a hamburger is a hamburger is a hamburger. I've had many opportunities from other females, to have pursued and been with them versus my significant other. In the very beginning she had asked me to meet her first before somebody else that I was going to see. Charming, loving, beautiful, all that. Well I fell in love, surprise! Was the right time in my life to no longer be in the North, I'm sick of winters and time so sick and tired of shoveling and falling in snow. It's beautiful here in the South. It's not the only reason, but this was like Santa Claus and his sack,, lots and lots of gifts hitting me straight on at one time. And the saga continues…

I don't want to be a dumper or the dumpee. I just want to be me and have someone who loves me the same way I love them. Is that too much to ask?

PS- by the way, the guilt is what I felt from all her blames and accusations. (just my lack of security/confidence kicking in) 

[maryy16]

I am completely relating to your post! Are we stupid... .  maybe or maybe we are just really caring people with a need to take care of others.  I am a fixer, as I'm sure we all are, so I want to make everything okay. I used to feel guilt over things I DID NOT DO but were accused of.  I would start questioning myself and reliving the situations over and over to see what I could have done better to prevent the turmoil.  This was before I knew about BPD.  After studying the coping tools and reading all the information on this board, I still get hurt and I still feel guilt, but I am learning to give myself a break.  That even if I do make a mistake, that I don't deserve to be banished to hell for it. Don't get me wrong, I still lose it sometimes because this whole BPD thing is so unfair! What you are feeling is completely normal for any of us in our situations.  Hang in there!

[DyingLove]

I am completely relating to your post! Are we stupid... .  maybe or maybe we are just really caring people with a need to take care of others.  I am a fixer, as I'm sure we all are, so I want to make everything okay. I used to feel guilt over things I DID NOT DO but were accused of.  I would start questioning myself and reliving the situations over and over to see what I could have done better to prevent the turmoil.  This was before I knew about BPD.  After studying the coping tools and reading all the information on this board, I still get hurt and I still feel guilt, but I am learning to give myself a break.  That even if I do make a mistake, that I don't deserve to be banished to hell for it. Don't get me wrong, I still lose it sometimes because this whole BPD thing is so unfair! What you are feeling is completely normal for any of us in our situations.  Hang in there!

Thank you maryy16, it seems that many people relate to this. I'm feeling better today so my head is not so much in hell. I don't want to call myself a fixer. But deep down inside relating to what you said we are all fixers. Funny part is you can't fix anyone that doesn't want to be fixed, in fact, it's their responsibility to take care of themselves. If they need help, so bring it on let us know you need help. Don't wait until things can't be remedied or repaired but of course that's when they yell at us that we don't care. What the heck is this all about exclamation exclamation the deeper I go into BPD with my significant other the more I question, am I in the matrix? Times I just don't know what to make of this. If I had never ending funds, I might want to pursue this as some type of past time, maybe write some kind of book or volunteer my time efforts and experience to other ones that are in need. But sometimes everything just seems so surrealistic. You say BPD is unfair,, I'm going to assume that you mean it's unfair to both of us, the BPD person as well as the BPD significant other.

Brings up a funny thought, did you, or anyone ever see fear and loathing in Las Vegas with Johnny Depp? One of his lines in the movie was during a drug related frenzy that his partner, Dr. gonzo, was experiencing. He proceeded to say, you can turn your back on a person, but you could never turn your back on a drug! In a way it makes me think of how separate the person is from the so-called disease, but once the BPD person begins BPD behavior it's hard to know where the person ends and the element begins. Oh well, just thought it was funny if anybody saw it.

[Rockylove]

You mentioned not liking being alone.  I don't either.  I prefer the companionship of a relationship, but I spent 2 years with the companionship of my pets and it was a tremendous exercise in learning to enjoy my own company.  I found that I actually LIKE who I am now