Thinking of making contact with exBPD

[happiness68]

MeMeMe I know what you're saying, but it's been nearly 3 months and I feel the same as the day this all began.  I honestly feel like my heart's broken.  I keep thinking how I've never felt this bad before in a break up, even when I think about the man who I believe to have been the love of my love that I was with for 9 years, I don't remember it hurting this much.  That in itself makes me think it could be worth one more try.  FoolishOne said to me earlier how maybe if I try and he rejects me, it could be the best thing for me.  Perhaps that's what I need.  I just don't see any end to the pain.  I'm sure you're all right on here, because you all say the same things, but I just wonder "what if" ... .  

[MeMeMe]

I completely understand you. I remember thinking that every man i had been with before was a fake. Because this was true love. This was how your meant to feel about a man. Right? I remember being thankfull that i had met him, as i thought he had taught me how you "should" feel when in love.

when we split, the pain sometimes left me breathless. Literally like someone had stabbed me in the tummy. I nearly walked into A&E one day because i could not stop crying and the feeling of loss and the hopeless feeling would not go away. I had this for about 5 months. I can imagine that is how you feel about now? wake up thinking about it? Go to bed thinking about him? Drive around wishing to see him? This was out the ordinary. I was a strong, sucessfull women before this and i could understand at all why i was feeling this way. Weak and desperate.

But i promise you, if you ride it out, it will be the ride of your life. You learn, you grow. It will be hard, but what you may be letting yourself into by going back will be harder.

There is no pressure on you. This choice will still be yours next week. Just have a go at this. Make a list of all the rubbish things that have happened to you since you have been with this guy. Spend an hour in the quiet and start the list. you will be surprised at how it grows.

Once you have started it, come back and update us as to how your feeling. You dont have to do this alone. This board saved my butt MANY times.

[SurvivedLove]

... .  but I just wonder "what if" ... .  

The "What if" can be looked at two ways.

You love him. Deeply. With more passion than you have ever loved anyone before.

So look at both sides of the "What if".

What if;

... .  you get back to the honeymoon phase?

... .  you end up married and with kids and everything works out nicely?

... .  he really does love you?

That would be awesome, wouldn't it? Because that is what your heart really wishes for. It's what he installed in you at the very start of your relation.

But... .  what if;

... .  you go back, things are nice for a month or two and then his abusive patterns start again?

... .  next time, he doesn't just call you names or throw hissyfits, but actually throws a fist or a knife or a toaster at you?

... .  he keeps demanding that you change this or that about yourself, so you can make HIM happy and you wake up one day not knowing who YOU really are?

... .  his actions again start speaking a different language than the sweet words he'll use to reel you back in?

Will you survive this journey into insanity with him one more time, maintaining a healthy sense of Self and a healthy portion of Self-love?

Always look at both sides of the coin.

What you stand to gain is temporary relief from the pain caused be the feelings that he has installed in you in the start of your relation.

What you stand to lose is yourself, your self-worth, you independence, your faith, your trust in other and yourself and much much more.

Is it still worth it after looking at both sides of the coin?

[MeMeMe]

Well said survivedlove!

[happiness68]

SurvivedLove - I don't know.  I'm going to keep reading what you've written there to see if I can come up with an answer for myself.  I know I have to put me first and in a certain way I have, but maybe not enough.  I think it's all to do with the fact I didn't get closure.  As you list the things you list there, they all ring home.  The things he wanted me to change, that was one of the big things.  I remember someone sitting there with their jaw open when I told them about the things he'd asked me to change.  They asked me what I'd asked him to change for me.  The funny thing is I didn't have an answer, because I didn't ask him to change anything. I loved him the way he was (without the BPD thing obviously but I didn't realise it was that at that point).

[SurvivedLove]

SurvivedLove - I don't know.  I'm going to keep reading what you've written there to see if I can come up with an answer for myself.  I know I have to put me first and in a certain way I have, but maybe not enough.  I think it's all to do with the fact I didn't get closure.  As you list the things you list there, they all ring home.  The things he wanted me to change, that was one of the big things.  I remember someone sitting there with their jaw open when I told them about the things he'd asked me to change.  They asked me what I'd asked him to change for me.  The funny thing is I didn't have an answer, because I didn't ask him to change anything. I loved him the way he was (without the BPD thing obviously but I didn't realise it was that at that point).

It is ok that you are not quite there it. It is part of the journey to find your way back to yourself. The answers you need are inside you and some of them might be buried deep, so they'll take a lot of digging to find. But you'll find them. Because you're not alone.

Someone wrote in another thread that Closure isn't possible to get from a BPD. I tend to agree. They don't know what they way, not in their reasoning mind anyways, so they don't have a good chance of knowing the WHY of why they suddenly don't want YOU anymore.

The act on fear and instinct. Not on rational thought and consideration. And it's ALL about them. Not about you.

Your Closure will come from inside you. And it'll take time to accept that YOU have to give yourself the Closure, that he will never be able to.

Take your time. Go through the emotions. Feel, talk through, re-feel, learn.

You can do it, you want to, else you wouldn't be here .

[happiness68]

SurvivedLove - you sound so strong.  I used to be strong.  Right now I just feel full of hurt and no end to it.  I wish I could just make it right.  I think with my ex a lot of why he ended things was just out of spite and anger in the heat of the moment and then he didn't (as always) know how to take it back and now it's gone on so long that he wouldn't even begin to know how to come back.  That's why I thought if I asked him to meet me, perhaps I could see whether or not it was worth another shot.

SurvivedLove - I don't know.  I'm going to keep reading what you've written there to see if I can come up with an answer for myself.  I know I have to put me first and in a certain way I have, but maybe not enough.  I think it's all to do with the fact I didn't get closure.  As you list the things you list there, they all ring home.  The things he wanted me to change, that was one of the big things.  I remember someone sitting there with their jaw open when I told them about the things he'd asked me to change.  They asked me what I'd asked him to change for me.  The funny thing is I didn't have an answer, because I didn't ask him to change anything. I loved him the way he was (without the BPD thing obviously but I didn't realise it was that at that point).

It is ok that you are not quite there it. It is part of the journey to find your way back to yourself. The answers you need are inside you and some of them might be buried deep, so they'll take a lot of digging to find. But you'll find them. Because you're not alone.

Someone wrote in another thread that Closure isn't possible to get from a BPD. I tend to agree. They don't know what they way, not in their reasoning mind anyways, so they don't have a good chance of knowing the WHY of why they suddenly don't want YOU anymore.

The act on fear and instinct. Not on rational thought and consideration. And it's ALL about them. Not about you.

Your Closure will come from inside you. And it'll take time to accept that YOU have to give yourself the Closure, that he will never be able to.

Take your time. Go through the emotions. Feel, talk through, re-feel, learn.

You can do it, you want to, else you wouldn't be here .

[spaceace]

I went back two times and it was not better. There were more hoops to jump through. Constant criticism about what I was not doing correctly. It didn't matter how much I bit my tongue and hoped it would get better. It never did. The third time, which I am experiencing right now, has been by far the worse time. I have realized I had completely stopped asking for ANY needs to be met just to keep harmony and peace in the house. It STILL didn't work. In the end, I was blamed for past transgressions from years ago as the reason why we split again. None of it makes sense. And now, all I think about it how I WISH I would not have gone back after the first time. I would be so much healthier and better off now. That is my experience for what it's worth.

[SurvivedLove]

Happiness68, you ARE strong, stronger than you feel right now.

You're strong because you reached out here, on this website, on these forums.

That is no easy task, especially when you feel rundown, put down, thrown out and rejected. It takes strength.

And I am strong, because I came here and reached out for help, for advice and guidance.

It doesn't mean that I am stronger than you. It only means that I, unknowingly, went through a bunch of the stages and some of the process on my own, before finding this place. In a way, you're luckier than I was. Because you have found this place now, while feeling how you feel, so you will have the support at hand faster than I did.

There's a lot of lessons here, a lot to learn. And for every step you take, you'll get a little stronger. This place is a support for you and everyone else here.

What I did today, for myself personally, was to contact a psychologist who specializes in helping people with personality disorders and helping families/friends of people with personality disorders. To me, it's important to have help working through my own issues with my psychologist, while having this place as added support on the path back to becoming myself again.

Maybe a psychologist can help you through the initial stages too? Help you find out if it would help you or if would just add to the damage done to meet with your ex?

For me, reading the forums here has made me accept that this is too tough a deal for me to carry alone. I do need help with it. Admitting that doesn't mean I am weak. It means I am strong. Because I reach out, I ask for help, I enlist a professionally trained woman to guide me through the pitfalls.

We will find out ways. Both you and I. Sometimes, finding our way just might mean that we need the light others can bring. And that is perfectly OK.

[happiness68]

I've thought about getting help myself SurviveLove.  I was just talking about it yesterday to two of my friends.  I need something.  I think I kind of feel angry at myself that I can't sort this out for myself and that I ever got into the mess i the first place.  When I started out on this relationship, I was so strong and not letting him push me into seeing him every night like he wanted to and rushing things.  When he moved into his brother's flat and was sleeping on the sofa, I felt guilty and kind of let him take over.  I'm so very angry with myself for letting that happen.  If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been in the mess I'm in now, where I miss him so much because he was there night after night after night.  It really is a mess.

[SurvivedLove]

BPD's often latch onto strong men or women, for two reasons:

The lack the strength their partner has and they WANT it. And getting intimate with a strong person is almost as good as being a strong person, in their world - this is when you're in the good phase with them. when they idolize you and you are just the best thing that ever happened to them.

They ENVY the strength their partner has and they WANT it - this is when you're in the bad phase with them, when they start to paint you black, hate you and throw you out.

It's all on them. Not on you.

And I think that feeling first shock, then anger at one self is part of the path to recovery.

I've often asked myself how I let things get so out of hand, with a pretty puzzled look in the mirror. I couldn't believe it. Then the shame hit and I felt ashamed for not seeing through the manipulations, mindgames, the emotional warfare sooner. Then the anger hit and I got angry at myself for not fleeing sooner. Then the calmness and comfort hit, when i realized that I DID end up fleeing and that I did it for ME. Because it's the healthiest thing for ME.

You're fleeing too. You're trying to save yourself too. For every word you write here, expressing your anger and disappointment in yourself, you let go of a little bit of it. You open up, you admit and THAT puts you on the path to being able to let it go.

I think you're doing a lot better than you feel you are. And that's all YOU. And YOU should be proud of you for that. You should be proud that you help yourself to talk about, to explain and to go through the motions here. You're not hiding away, you're not bottling it up, you're letting it out with a mighty ROAR - and that means you are aware. And awarenss is key to succeeding in letting go, moving on, finding yourself and healing. because if we're not aware of how we feel, how are we supposed to change it? .

You are doing GOOD. Trust me. Even if it feels difficult and impossible. You ARE doing good!

[happiness68]

Thanks for that.  I must admit I feel very angry today.  I feel so angry that I let myself get into the situation I was in.  I really do feel SO much anger.  I felt like it yesterday.  Yesterday I kept crying all day.  Today I feel like that right now, but didn't earlier. I really am so angry.  I didn't ever think of that as part of the healing.  I really was such a strong person.  I know I still have that in me.  You're right about that was something that he loved about me.  I believe that.  I believe the situation was the same with his ex wife.  His ex wife was 10 years his senior too, which would explain that moreso.  Are you saying in the end that love of what he fell in love with then becomes an envy which turns to hate, because of the fact that I'm strong and he's weak?  He is weak when I think about it.  He doesn't like his job, can't see his children often as they're at uni, his friends are all married and he doesn't see them often (I think you always have to question someone who doesn't have many friends in hindsight), plus doesn't have his own home (though I'm sure even though he lives at his brother's flat he's now practically moved in with another woman - she'll never be like me - she'll never be as good as I was for him or to him for that matter - I remember when he first met me that he told me how he'd never met someone like me who had a great job and a great life, lots of friends and a loving family - that part I believe was very true - I also know that he found me physically very attractive and hadn't had that in the past too, although I don't know why, because he wasn't ugly). We had the whole package.  I can't believe he threw that all away out of his irrational rages and for what, for absolutely nothing.  What a fool.  I was the real fool though for letting it all happen in the first place.  I always though how it was odd that he'd had a pattern of creating an argument every couple of months and how the women before me in the 18 months between his leaving his wife and meeting me - they only last 2-3 months.  We even joked about it when I first started seeing him.  He obviously did the same with them, but they  weren't as tolerant as me.  I should imagine he'll do the same with the woman now.

[waitaminute]

My BPDex was from and lived in a foreign country. Once on her facebook page she posted a little story. I translated it to English and was only somewhat surprised that it was the scorpion and the turtle story. "It is my nature" ... .  Yes she was sometimes very aware of her nature.

I have thought that it would be nice for me to break NC and to offer my friendship. But I recall how her friends were first idealized and then painted blacker than black. I think I will resist the urge.

[FoolishOne]

I find it interseting that a BPD would even admit that it was "their nature".  That tends to be diametically opposed to their make-up.  Evenso, they rarely change... .  evn when in DBT.  What a horrible illness.  It devatates so many lives... .  the collateral damage is great and the lingering affects are seemingly forever.

[happiness68]

FoolishOne I think the lingering affects are seemingly forever for us.  I really hope that isn't the case, as it's so very hard even to try to come out of it, let alone live with this hanging over for the rest of our lives.  All that we've done is to try to love someone unconditionally.

I find it interseting that a BPD would even admit that it was "their nature".  That tends to be diametically opposed to their make-up.  Evenso, they rarely change... .  evn when in DBT.  What a horrible illness.  It devatates so many lives... .  the collateral damage is great and the lingering affects are seemingly forever.

[waitaminute]

I find it interseting that a BPD would even admit that it was "their nature".  That tends to be diametically opposed to their make-up.  Evenso, they rarely change... .  evn when in DBT.  What a horrible illness.  It devatates so many lives... .  the collateral damage is great and the lingering affects are seemingly forever.

Occasionally she would acknowledge that she needed medical help... .  Even to the point of saying she thought it was a combination of psychological and neurological problems. But these moments of objective self understanding were rare. Other times she would simply project onto others and say they need medical help.

The moments of clarity are a problem for me... .  They lure me into thinking that she could be one of the few that learn how to regulate their emotions to lead a normal life. But then I read here about the scant chance of that happening.

[Neverknow]

I find it interseting that a BPD would even admit that it was "their nature".  That tends to be diametically opposed to their make-up.  Evenso, they rarely change... .  evn when in DBT.  What a horrible illness.  It devatates so many lives... .  the collateral damage is great and the lingering affects are seemingly forever.

Occasionally she would acknowledge that she needed medical help... .  Even to the point of saying she thought it was a combination of psychological and neurological problems. But these moments of objective self understanding were rare. Other times she would simply project onto others and say they need medical help.

The moments of clarity are a problem for me... .  They lure me into thinking that she could be one of the few that learn how to regulate their emotions to lead a normal life. But then I read here about the scant chance of that happening.

My ex-BPD wife would on very rare occassions admit that she realized what her BPD was, that it was a problem, and she needed to deal with it.  These admissions are probably what kept me recycling for three years, in a relationship I should have abandoned in the first week.

[FoolishOne]

Yeah... .  it is rare if they admit any fault, imperfection or fraility... .  but when they do, there is usually an excuse for it.  My BPDw would accuse others for her irrational actions... .  but never really came out and said what the source was... .  only that is was the sin of Man and that God absolved her for her acts.

[happiness68]

SurvivedLove I've just read your thread.  It's so very sad.  I'm so sorry about the baby I really am.

SurvivedLove - somehow I missed this yesterday.  I'm sorry.  I understand yes what you're saying about the baby, but I'm still sorry. 


Yes in answer to your first three questions.  It made me realise that I'm not alone and I really am quite sure he has BPD and it's not me.  When I think at how intense he was at the start wanting to see me every single minute of every day and live in my pocket, though luckily I fought it for the first 6 months to a certain degree and also when I think how he used to walk out at every argument and then his wreckless driving, starting to smoke every time we argued, arguing with most people around him most of the time and of course the way he walked out at the end and refused to speak to me just spouting angry words and swearing whilst I tried to at least have a conversation and get closure - thinking about all that - means it wasn't me with BPD, it's him.  It at least gives me confirmation of that.  I do sympathise with you SurvivedLove, as it sounds like you lived what I do.  I don't know where you find the strength however to walk away.  I still want to contact him.  I'm not even afraid of rejection or being ignored, because I don't believe I can feel worse than I currently do.

I cry too when I read what I read here.  It makes me feel so emotional.

I'm glad you read it. I know it was long and uyou may have recognized some of your own feelings there.

And I probably sound like a horrible person when I say this, but I am OK with the abortion. It really was the right thing to do, for the sake of the unborn child. It wouldn't have been right for me to bring a child into the world, knowing that it was likely to have severe damage physically and mentally from the start. Yes, it will always hurt a bit in my heart, because I am against abortion. But I try to look at what kind of life the baby would have had. And it wouldn't have been a life that I'd want to offer my child.

The other point for me is this; Imagine having a child with a BPD?

It would mean that I'd be forced to be forever within their reach somehow. Because of the child. I'd be subjected to his illness over and over again and my child would grow up, possibly learning from his behavior?

I'm sad about having to have an abortion, but I am more than just relieved to NOT need keeping a bond with him. I want to be free of him, completely.

But this thread is about you, not about me.

Did any of what I had written there feel like "OMG! That is ME!" to you?

Did any of the feelings, any of the AHA!-moments hit home?

Did any of my ex's behavior resemble the behavior of your xBPD?

How did reading it make you feel?

I have cried more reading this board in the past few days, than I did during the past 6 months. Because I recognized it all from my own relation. And THAT was the hardest, but also the best cookie to swallow.

You're not alone. None of us are as long as we come here and talk, offload, cry, smile and learn.

Stay strong. For you. YOU are what matters here.