drug abuse and BPD

[angel123]

I posted a few lengthy novels this past week. Now that I know my ex relapsed to prescription pills it makes alot of sense this recent behavior of his. If any of you have experience with BPDs that abuse drugs, please share. It's hard to figure out what's the drugs, what's the BPD, etc. Maybe it doesn't matter. It's all bad behavior but looking back at the last few years, the behavior was definitely way worse when drugs were in the picture.

I think none of it excuses abusive behavior. I think you can't blame the drugs because the behaviors were already there without the drugs. The drugs just bring out the BPD to an unbelievable level. Honestly when my ex was addicted to vicodin and was abusing other pills like Adderall and Xanax I was dumb enough to believe once he got clean things would be ok. Boy was I wrong. Looking back on the past year, I feel like such a fool. I thought he was clean.  In reality I think there were many periods of being clean and using when I thought he was clean. I was an even bigger fool for thinking if he were clean he would be a good person to be around.

[Sabine]

Hi angel123,

It's common for pwBPD to also have alcohol or drug abuse issues. I think mind altering drugs, including alcohol, can add to the chaos and drama they may inflict on us. However, my exBPDbf has been a sober member of AA for over 25 years and I used to think how strange it was that he did so many 'alcoholic' things even though he hasn't touched alcohol for all those years... .  then I learned about BPD and that the two things were completely different. He never addressed his BPD issues, (that I know of) and it was his BPD that came through loud and clear while we were a couple. It was a very toxic relationship and I had to get out and stay out. It would have been nice if AA could have helped him with his BPD characteristics, but BPD needs more than AA.

How long have you been broken up with him?

[Lady31]

Angel - I read your other post as well.

Mine would smoke pot daily.  I also believe he had a pill issue, but not on such a level that it was frequent.  For instance, mine when he had an injury, he would take the pain meds in higher doses and much more frequently throughout the day than called for.  He had a surgery, so had the pills and was to take them for longer term (not just a couple days).  He would ask me to call in to the doc when he ran out and needed a refill.

It was always something like "I can't stand these doctors.  They always look at me like I am somebody coming in there just to get pills and give me prescription strength Ibruprofen.  What's that going to do?  I mean, I go to WORK.  I have to be able to work."  And on and on.  Frankly, looking back it was because of his own shame/guilt as he WAS trying to abuse them.

Again, it was something that he would do here or there when he was hurt.  After that longer stint that he was taking them around the clock for a few weeks, he went through an extremely angry & agressive period when he no longer could.

I would guess that he occasionally would buy them off the street and I didn't know about it - but I don't think it was an ongoing thing.

And yes, it is easy to get sucked into the whole thought that it is the drug use that makes them act crazy.  Once they get off drugs all will be well.  Not knowing that there is something seriously wrong with them emotionally/mentally.

[bpdspell]

Angel,

Drug & substance abuse is pretty common in BPD because this disorder is all about pain, shame, and feelings of deep emptiness. Usually when drugs are used they are used to self-soothe painful and difficult emotions. In the user's mind it makes the pain more manageable. My ex chain smoked weed and cigarettes. In many ways it calmed his angst but the disorder was always present; particularly the closer and more intimate we became. When he started to feel like he needed me was when World War Six broke out.

Spell

[angel123]

We broke up earlier this week but he begged me to talk to him for days so I caved. But when I would try and call him back of course the lies about how he was already asleep, went to urgent care for a cold etc. then when I finally went there all hell broke loose and I found the drug texts in his phone. I just am stunned but should not be surprised. As soon as I asked about his antibiotics he flipped out and yelled at me to leave his house. The same person who begged me for days to talk to work things out. What a mind screw. And of course the yelling that I am his only problem as he was telling me to leave.

[angel123]

And then of course to be attacked by his family and be called names and threatened they would call police? I can only imagine the lies he made up to them but don't care what they think of me. They should know better but want to live in a world of denial and dysfunction.

[bpdspell]

We broke up earlier this week but he begged me to talk to him for days so I caved. But when I would try and call him back of course the lies about how he was already asleep, went to urgent care for a cold etc. then when I finally went there all hell broke loose and I found the drug texts in his phone. I just am stunned but should not be surprised. As soon as I asked about his antibiotics he flipped out and yelled at me to leave his house. The same person who begged me for days to talk to work things out. What a mind screw. And of course the yelling that I am his only problem as he was telling me to leave.

Hey Angel,

I can validate your frustration.

Have you read the articles on how a BPD love relationship evolves? Push/Pull tactics are a common part of the devaluation stage of BPD. In many ways your ex boyfriend still wants you but he needs you to be compliant with him on HIS terms. This means that he needs you to love him and accept him but he is incapable of understanding that you have emotional needs and desires of your own. This is his entitlement and narcissism and it's all a part of BPD. As long as you two are together he will consider you and extension of him.

The drugs aren't causing him to behave this way or treat you badly. It's his mental illness. BPD is a serious disorder that's triggered by intimacy, vulnerability and closeness. I know it's confusing to understand in the beginning but by reading as much as you can about the disorder you can begin to depersonalize his behavior.

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Does stress trigger negative BPD behaviors?

Can BPD be cured or go into remission?

As for his family more than likely they are well aware of his behavior. Often times family members themselves are undiagnosed to the point where their toxic dysfunction is normalized. That was the case with my BPDexbf. The entire family were substance abusing and mentally ill loons. The best you can do is learn how to better take care of you. You cannot fix his brokenness with your love.

Spell

[Lady31]

Regarding the yelling at you to get out, and that you are his problem, etc.

Mine would do this frequently.  When I would start realizing something not adding up or that he flat out lied, I would start to bring up whatever it was or ask a question and he would blow up in this huge angry rant.  Would say things like "You are ALWAYS questioning me"  "There you go investigating me again! I'm so sick of this!  I can't live like this another second!"  "I'm not putting up with this anymore!  I want an F****** divorce! I'm done with you you crazy controlling B****!"

He would start throwing my things out of the closet telling me to get the f out.  Once he spit on me.  He would throw his wedding ring across the room for extra measure when telling me how horrible I was and that he just had to have a divorce.

This is all a deflection tactic.  Yours knew his story had holes and his lies were about to be exposed when you started questioning stuff so you got that response from him.  

The whole goal of that behavior is for him to get so loud and intimidating that you can't question him & you forget all about what you are questioning or bringing up to him in the first place.  It's to get you so wrapped up in defending yourself or focused on a new topic (He says you are his problem - now you are mentally focused on "WHY am I the problem, what did I do so wrong?" instead of asking about this medication and pushing further thus finding out he's been lying.)

All tactics to get out of the corner they are getting backed into.

[angel123]

Wow lady, other than the fact I wasn't married, your stories are almost identical to mine. They are all the same! Nothing different about them. No joke, before we broke up last year for a period of time, he had moved some of his things into my place. He had his own house but stayed with me most nights so he brought clothes, bathroom stuff, etc. No joke, he moved his stuff out three times in 2 weeks. The third time I obviously told him he wasn't allowed back. It was on mother's day. Nice.

[spaceace]

My wife frequently self medicates using her friends drugs. Her friend has been diagnosed with Bipolar. She has VERY serious issues with depression. Often thinks about ending it, often. And my wife would take meds from her that didn't work well and she would no longer use them. I was never comfortable with this. Two days before we split up, she had told me about her taking some med, not sure what it was, and she had stopped and it was causing her some weird side affects in her head. This was a concern, but I had no idea how to address it. Two days later, when she kicked me out, it mattered little. I still wonder if she was on some crazy drug that altered her perception of reality and it contributed to our split? I don't know, and more than likely, I will never know. I never liked to ask her about the meds she took. I probably should have, but I would venture to guess she would have an excuse and be angry if I ever questioned her.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Yes, large quantities of alcohol coupled with sexual promiscuity.  From what I've read, this is common.  PwBPD do not know how to self soothe. 

I understand why they use, and it is sad, but sometimes I feel angry that my ex never made a serious attempt to address her issues.  However, that is out of my control.  PwBPD are sick, but they are not helpless.  If and when their lives become so intolerable that they can no longer stand it, they might make an attempt at recovery.  From what I've read though, most are masters at manipulation and continuing to find those who will validate their insanity, thus prolonging any type of change.  I want off the crazy train.

[angel123]

Yes and throw in an Adderall high and imagine what happens? That's what I found my ex was taking again. No wonder his blood pressure was through the roof a few weeks ago. Honestly I never want to know what he did as far as promiscuity. What I already know about him is more than enough. Amen to getting off the crazy roller coaster.

[sistergoldenhair]

And I too, want off the crazy train. So many sentiments and statements I have read in this thread are familiar to the point that although I feel shocked I couldn't articulate what some of the issues were earlier. This has been a mind bending journey. Someone said their partner was like a roommate. I can so associate with that, and although we mostly sleep in the same bed, there is absolutely no intimacy.

My BPDh is a drug addict as well. He was in a terrible accident a few years ago and as a result of MRI scanning for accident related injuries, they discovered he had a very rare cancer inside his spinal cord. His physical pain was and is real... .  his emotional pain is devastating. He is depressed, dissociative, indifferent and wreckless. He does not understand consequences.

This morning he had an apt with his pain doc. His urine tested positive for Soma, which he is not supposed to be taking. He has taken 24 Oxycotins, 47 dilaudids, no telling how many Soma's and that is all that I am aware of(in 10 days I might add). Pain doc insisted he return all narcotic for destruction of meds, he was very resistant to returning the Soma. Upon arriving home to collect he meds, I found 120 soma I didn't know he had. I usually try to stay out of his medical stuff, but I made an extra trip and took the doc the Soma as well. And my BPDh is mad as a hornet! hmmm, this will probably be an interesting evening... .  

So OP, all I know to say is been there, still doing that... .  I do want off the crazy train and I think it will arrive at the depot end of Feb,

[ricky rick]

My ex took prescription drugs and also drank on top of it. of course shes in the medical field so doing this is ok. Doctors said so. Let me get this straight... .  Anti depressants and alcohol are ok to take together? With having BPD also? Are you F---in kidding me? I use to confront her about this and she told me to get over it and that she was fine. Ya right! Im so glad i ran away. I was sick of being a constant father to her. Ugh!