Ice is Thawing... Now What

[ChemGuy]

Hi,

My uBPDw has been giving me the silent treatment since we had a big fight the day before Christmas Eve.  This fight and the following silence lead to my stumbling onto this board so this is my first "reconciliation" experience after beginning to learn about BPD, boundaries, detachment, radical acceptance, etc.

Over the past month I've carved out a fairly comfortable life on my own that I'm not sure I want to give-up.  I go to the gym in the evenings after work, I set-up a living room for myself in the basement, I joined a group on Wednesday nights at church (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality), etc.  I've pretty much filled my evenings with non-wife activities so I could escape the silence at home.  Continuing to be gone in the evenings does not seem like something that a loving husband would do.  But I think the things I'm doing are good for me, plus if I stop it will just be a matter of time before I have to restart all that because she'll be back on the silent treatment. 

Normally I would pretty much drop this other stuff now that she's happy and I would focus more on her, trying to be a better husband and not set-off another argument cycle.  I know now that this is probably not the best approach.  I know that I need to keep myself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy and continue to work on some of tools described in the resources here. 

My problem is that I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do now.  I worked pretty hard at detaching so I wouldn't get as hurt by her rejection; am I supposed to break that down now or just stay detached?  If I should stay detached, how does that mesh with the concept of being a loving husband?  I'm not sure how to show her I love her and generally be a good husband while still protecting myself for next time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[eeyore]

you are caring for yourself which is the best thing you can do to be helpful.  I think it's a matter of finding balance.  Keep doing the things you enjoy so that when things do go black you have your self esteem and your inner strength to live happy under any event.

[CodependentHusband]

My opinion only. Don't rush back in, ever. Drop some things to make time on some evenings if you need to, but keep most of your activities. Try tapering off slowly to find the right balance. Be prepared for her to dysregulate when you don't drop everything at once. She may even try to sabatoge some of your activities with "emergency" situations. Stick to your guns and use judgement if it really is a judgment. Expect her to cycle again as she adjusts.

Good luck! Let us know how it is going.

[waverider]

An analogy. Before she was a crazy driver, you were as a trailer attached to her car. Weaving all over the road in reaction to her controls. Always reactive and always behind. Since the silent treatment you unhitched the trailer and found your own car, and got behind the wheel yourself and started driving in a straight line.

So what now? Dont reattached your trailer to her car. But you can pull up alongside and travel with her. This can also encourage her not to weave all over the road.

[Rockylove]

It seems that when things calm down after the storm of a bad rage, I'm very reluctant to trust that the "love" is genuine.  My bf goes over the top showing love and affection (I think it's his way of apologizing because he'll never say he's sorry) and it's difficult for me to return to "normal" and "normal" seems to go through a metamorphosis each time there is a rage.  Growth, perhaps?

[yeeter]

Normally I would pretty much drop this other stuff now that she's happy and I would focus more on her, trying to be a better husband and not set-off another argument cycle.  I know now that this is probably not the best approach.  I know that I need to keep myself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy and continue to work on some of tools described in the resources here. 

Part of keeping yourself mentally and physically healthy is staying engaged with others and having a part of your life for yourself.  Its a hard thing to do, after so many years (and maybe even some underlying unhealthy beliefs) of keeping the two of you intertwined in every way.

One thing I have learned in all this is that it was my style and preference to integrate more of my life with my partner.  Once I started detaching and as Wave suggests, driving my own car, I found it worked much better.  DO watch how she responds though, because if she withdrawals and does nothing then its time to find some healthy outlets for her independent of you.

Definitely keep your activities.  Keep them balanced and in perspective with the rest of the relationship, but do not drop them.