Am I the only one?

[vanillaswirl]

I am new here and love the material that is here; it is very informative.

Most of the things I have read warn about not responding to your BP in anger.

My problem is the opposite; I become a doormat.

I rarely disagree or speak up, and if I do, he tells me why I'm wrong for an hour, so I end up changing my opinion.

I agree to things I don't actually agree to try to avoid an issue.

This makes my husband angry, as he says I'm a weak person and I need someone to control me. I don't want anyone to control me, I just want peace.

What's a better way to deal with anger and blame?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

Well, no your not the only one! 

I pretty much became a door mat as well. Doing everything in my power to try and make him happy. But he was never actually happy and eventually he would find something else that he thought I needed to change. I had started to realize that the only thing that has changed anything in our marriage was me and I was tired of it not making any difference in his happiness. It made me snap out of things and want a better life for myself. I still have a hard time standing up to my husband but I also have read a lot on this site and know how to go about doing it. Sometimes I fail miserably sometimes I achive what I wanted. Now that I am standing up for myself, in certain ways my husband is starting to get better. I did make a big stand and told him he has to get Therapy. He's been doing it for 7 months now!

Hang in there, this site proves you are not alone, the people here are very helpful if you have any questions or even just a thought you can come here and let it out. 

[Mara2]

Oh no, you are not the only one!  One thing that really helped me was to understand that my husband wanted me to acknowledge that his opinion was valid, yet still have my own opinion.  So when we talk I try to remember to say that he has a good point, that makes a lot of sense, I see your side of things and to listen until he is done, then I can have my input. 

One recurring theme in our house is that he paints our son black- can't do anything right.  In our discussions he used to yell that I was taking our son's side over his.  Now I have learned to listen to what he has to say, validate his opinion (yes, I can see why you would think that), then say something about what I think.  Perhaps if we... .  , can you suggest a positive alternative, etc.  I try not to directly challenge his opinion, but re-route the thinking. 

Hope that helps.

[dawnjd]

Funny that this topic was brought up because I have been discussing it with my therapist. I noticed it more when I was on zoloft. Being on the anti-depressant, I found, made me care less about an issue. This wasn't just in the relationship with my BPDso, but with my academic advisor, my son, politics (I am a political junkie). I would let people cut me off and not care! I wasn't sure if it was the zoloft, my past experiences or what I have learned that had me acting this way.

Once I weaned off the zoloft, I am finding it is more "picking the fights that matter". Basically, letting the things that don't make or break me roll off my back. With things like finances, those are worth standing my ground. I really think it was a combination of the zoloft and learning how to respond with out having a fight.

The other thing I noticed, if because I have watched my SO be so pathetic with his excuse making, I have learned to be more humble and not make excuses for everything. Perfect example was when my academic adviser pointed out that I had missed multiple deadline: At one time I would have 'defended myself' with multiple excuses. After seeing my SO do this ALLL THE TIME!, I have learned to be humble about admitting my wrong and come up with a solution to the problem.

Don't know if this helps you, but yes I have found myself "rolling over more", but at this point i think it is just 'picking the battles that matter' rather than rolling over.

[briefcase]

I am new here and love the material that is here; it is very informative.

Most of the things I have read warn about not responding to your BP in anger.

My problem is the opposite; I become a doormat.

I rarely disagree or speak up, and if I do, he tells me why I'm wrong for an hour, so I end up changing my opinion.

I agree to things I don't actually agree to try to avoid an issue.

This makes my husband angry, as he says I'm a weak person and I need someone to control me. I don't want anyone to control me, I just want peace.

What's a better way to deal with anger and blame?

This is pretty much how I came here too.  It's easy to get ground up and lose yourself in these relationships.  It's not a fun place to be. 

I started out by just taking better care of myself.  I ate better, exercised, watched movies that I liked, contacted my friends and family, found a therapist for myself, and generally tried to do things like that for me, without worrying too much about how my wife would react (poorly, by the way, which is common).  I had to rebuild myself esteem and confidence back up after many years of hoping to "make peace" by being a doormat.  From a position of greater strength, you can also begin applying some of our staying Lessons (validation, boundaries, etc.). 

Take it from a former doormat, you can change this and take back control over your life.    

[thinkingthinking]

It's easy to get ground up and lose yourself in these relationships.  It's not a fun place to be.  

I started out by just taking better care of myself.  I ate better, exercised, watched movies that I liked, contacted my friends and family, found a therapist for myself, and generally tried to do things like that for me, without worrying too much about how my wife would react (poorly, by the way, which is common).  I had to rebuild myself esteem and confidence back up after many years of hoping to "make peace" by being a doormat.

Our differing personalities lead us to deal with the challenges in different ways.  For those of us raised as "peacemakers" or maybe a little more introverted, this potential to be "ground up and lose yourself" seems to be huge.  It took me a very long time to figure out why I was so drained by my relationship with my BPDh and why I felt like I had lost myself.  But a pattern of fixing every problem and calming every fear/anger/rage leads you to forget your authentic self.  

After counseling and attending Al-Anon, a friend gave me the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and everything made sense.  However, the more boundaries I tried to put down to save myself and our kids, the more aggravated he became. Counseling helped him to some degree, but his unappiness is still always someone else's fault. In the end, I have figured out that I can not always keep the peace and it is not my job to maintain his happiness.  Wish I had a happier ending, but we separated twice and I just filed for divorce.  Maybe not a "happy" ending, but a new beginning for me and open discussion with my kids about what a "healthy" relationship looks like.

[coworkerfriend]

Absolutely not - you are not the only one who just wants peace.

I lost myself in my relationship.  I did everything in my power to keep peace until I felt overwhelmed and broken.  I hit bottom last fall.  I did not think I could go on.  I found this site and read the lessons over and over.

I know I have a long way to go to find the confident, strong, happy person I was.  I am working on making changes to how I react to him.

Spend as much time as you need reading from this site.  You will find so many who's experiences are similar to what you live with.

[Chosen]

Hey vanillaswirl, you are not the only one.

I kind of swing between wanting to win and being a doormat (much more extreme in the past but I've been learning and getting better).

I would fight and fight then at one point I either can't be bothered anymore or get so scared by his threats that  I just break down and admit everything and apologise... .  gosh, I just realise it sound like some Soviet interrogation.  And yes that was how I was.  Wanting peace is not the problem, appeasing him just so he could shut up is.  He may shut up this time, but next time he comes back, wanting more of this control... .  it's like a drug that he becomes addicted to.  He also knows that his shouts and anger can control you.

I found out the hard way.  In mid last year I became so utterly depressed, and I knew if I didn't get some help I would lose the will to live.  I hated the way I become.  And in any case, it wasn't helping.

Now I've learnt that a good way to achieve peace is to respond and not to react to him, to validate but to let him know he doesn't have to agree.  I've actually use this phrase many times when "discussing" things with him, "I don't want to change what you think, and I respect that you have your views, but I believe xyz... .  "  In a way, you let him know that you aren't attempting to change him, so he shouldn't change you as well... .  also to let him know it's ok to disagree. 

Here are some response techniques, have you checked them out before?

Arguing - don't engage

COMMUNICATION: Wise Mind - respond, don't react

[laelle]

I am guilty as well.  When I told him something he said didnt quite wash, he would go off on me.  I would soon be apologizing for my own feelings.  I have since realized that alot of my insistence on being active in the heated convo was to gain one shred of validation from him, but it never came so the drama continued.  I asked him when getting back together with him this last time.  "do you still love me while your raging?"  His answer was yes.  I always thought he really hated me. My view of the world and his view can be galaxies apart.