finally... confirmation she dumped me for someone else.

[daybreak]

Two years and ten months ago, my BPDgf dumped me and shut off all communication.  Yesterday at a old classmates get together in her town... .  I finally got the firm, no doubt confirmation that you yearn for... .  she had him ready to go... .  and had certainly had sex with him before she dumped me.  But that's not all... .  she is in another affair now as well... .  so is probably getting rid of my replacement for his replacement.  Yes she is married... .  and very involved in her church.

So when I first heard the rumor several months ago... .  she swore on the Bible that the affair was not true.  At one time I would have believed ANYTHING this woman said... ANYTHING.  I trusted her totally... .  thought we were going to get married.  So maybe it will be some form of closure... .  right now it still hurts... .  but my healing track will get bank on line soon as I digest this.

Bottom line... .  she is the most deceptive human being I can imagine exist.  She follows the track of most of the other stories.

Another thing I know now.  I was torn about the reason she ran from me at the high school reunion as I approached her just to greet her after NC for 2 years... .  she went home after only being there 15 minutes.  Some said guilt, some said fear of intimacy.  I know now it's totally fear of facing me because of guilt... .  she is the waif variety.  Like I said... .  now I know for sure, and I'm thankful for that.  I'm going to let her know I know too... .  not that it's going to destroy her fantasy world. Just glad I'm not her husband.

[Want2know]

Yes she is married... .  and very involved in her church.

daybreak,

There is a strong Christian overtone in your post.  This is a hard question, I know, but what is your moral code for two married Christians that enter into an affair?  What was hers?

Commitment to exclusivity?

Commitment to monogamy (including no sex with spouses)?

Commitment to leave spouse?

Commitment to marry?

Most affairs are very selfish and very off centered.

Were/are your expectations and judgments realistic?

She's gone now and you mentioned wanting to refocus on your wife.  Don't you need to let this go of her to do that? 

[daybreak]

Want2Know,

There is positively no excuse... .  but obviously it happens.  For me, it has been the largest failure of my life... .  and I knew better, but once you fall that deeply... .  the chemicals take over on the brain... .  and the rationalization begins.  I finally ended the physical part of the relationship... .  she was very angry and shortly thereafter she found her new "source."  My marriage was in dire straits... .  and it was the classic old high school sweethearts reconnecting after many years... .  extremely powerful.  It took over a year for things to get out of hand... .  but they did.  One point of the post is that she is still out there doing her thing.  For me... .  I'm working on my marriage and have decided to stay the course no matter.  I have no excuses and have paid an incredible price for being in a wrong relationship.

[Want2know]

She's gone now and you mentioned wanting to refocus on your wife.  :)on't you need to let this go of her to do that?  

You really have to detach in order to work on the relationship with your wife.  Where do you think you are now regarding the Stages of Detachment (to the right of the screen)?

It seems to me that you are in the initial stage of Acknowledgment.  :)oes this sound right?

You're feeling the emotion, but not truly understanding it.  What is it that's truly upsetting you?

[daybreak]

Want2Know,

I'm mostly between 4 and 5 on the chart... .  progress is not even as you know.  I am affected more right now because of the total loss of any value in the relationship.  You like to think there was "something" there for the other party... .  but it makes no difffence now.  I did not expect this new information, so I am a bit rattled... .  but I know I will get back on track soon.

I have one email to write to her now... .  letting her know that I know all... .  and I will never contact her after that, ever for the rest of my life.  I fully understand the need to focus on the wife, the marriage... .  I am and I will.

[Want2know]

This is a hard question, I know, but what is your moral code for two married Christians that enter into an affair?  What was hers?

Commitment to exclusivity?

Commitment to monogamy (including no sex with spouses)?

Commitment to leave spouse?

Commitment to marry?

Most affairs are very selfish and very off centered.

Were/are your expectations and judgments realistic?

Are you sure you are between 4 and 5?  Your posts seem like you are not quite there.  Can you answer these specific questions?

[daybreak]

Want2Know

In the beginning she wanted to leave marriages and get married.  Much later in the relationship, I was hooked... .  and decided that we probably should... .  and that prompted her to back off... surprise, surprise.  I couldn't have an affair long term... .  with no end game.  It's a double life and terrible existence in every way.

I think I'm right on course for healing. Former high school or college sweetheart affairs generally take twice the length of time of the relationship to "get over" the affair to a major degree... .  of course it varies.  I think the BPD aspect just really makes it much more difficult.  You won't like this, but I don't think I will ever get completely  over it... .  it will bother me at times.  But that doesn't mean life is not full and good.

[Want2know]

I think I'm right on course for healing.

You know healing is not an issue of the clock, it's the stages you go through.  You seem to be in the denial/anger phase. 

I am affected more right now because of the total loss of any value in the relationship. 

Can you explain this in more detail?  I'm not sure I know what you mean.

[daybreak]

Want2Know,

Just because the relationship failed, with all the wonderful feelings of intense love, don't we all like to think there was at least some love, some good memories.  One of the repeat questions on this site is "did they really love me at all?"  Even several months ago she said "I was the love of her life"... .  what I realized now, is that NO... .  she could care less if I'm dead or alive... .  she truly does not care.  There was that hope that at least they do care... .  she does not care... .  and that's painful.  She only cares about who she is having sex with at the time... .  period.  Sad, but true... .  AND wouldn't everyone that had a high school sweetheart like to think there's feelings on some level.  NOT if they are BPD... .  so it just hurts... .  I did not have a high school sweetheart it turns out... .  not the end of the world though.

[daybreak]

Want2know,

Thank you for your post... .  and putting me through the paces.  It's good for me... .  thank you.

[HarmKrakow]

Want2Know,

Just because the relationship failed, with all the wonderful feelings of intense love, don't we all like to think there was at least some love, some good memories.  One of the repeat questions on this site is "did they really love me at all?"  Even several months ago she said "I was the love of her life"... .  what I realized now, is that NO... .  she could care less if I'm dead or alive... .  she truly does not care.  There was that hope that at least they do care... .  she does not care... .  and that's painful.  She only cares about who she is having sex with at the time... .  period.  Sad, but true... .  AND wouldn't everyone that had a high school sweetheart like to think there's feelings on some level.  NOT if they are BPD... .  so it just hurts... .  I did not have a high school sweetheart it turns out... .  not the end of the world though.

No. Not in a BPD relationship.

Yes, in a normal healthy r/s.

[Want2know]

Even several months ago she said "I was the love of her life"... .  what I realized now, is that NO... .  she could care less if I'm dead or alive... .  she truly does not care.

I understand you are feeling hurt over this.  Looking at the Processing Stage, how can you turn this around and make this new piece of information useful to you in moving towards the Freedom Stage?

Want2know,

Thank you for your post... .  and putting me through the paces.  It's good for me... .  thank you.

[daybreak]

Want2Know,

The info. takes all the guesswork out of any remaining thoughts that perhaps there were some mystical qualities of the relationship... .  therefore there is no choice but to accept that the relationship was a fantasy... .  nothing really there... .  it will be a big stepping stone toward something like "closure"... .  

And too... .  It will I think accelerate my intellectual knowledge of BPDs transmission  into my emotions, my heart.  I have had a hard time with the emotions getting in gear with the brain... .  typical for most of us, but it's very difficult... .  the more information you download into the brain and then into the emotions... .  the more free, the more stable you become.  "The truth will set you free."

Lastly,  I heard some really painful stuff regarding her this weekend... .  and it will take some TIME to move forward again... .  days, not weeks.

[HardTruth]

Well, you know, if I look at your story without knowing about the cheating... There was an intense first young love, that was mutual, followed by a traumatic abandonment.

How long does it take to heal from that type of abandonment?  From that kind of shocking betrayal that you can't wrap your head around?  Especially when it's your first love and it happened when you were just a teenager?

I don't know if many people so much heal from it at that age as move on somehow and fill their lives with other things.  People tell you all kinds of things, "Oh, just get over her, she's not worth it!", or whatever.  But to you, the one who experienced it, it could be that someone took a piece of you and you never got it back.

The BPD style abandonment is just so shocking!  I experienced it after just a 2 month relationship at age 45, and I'm still trying to get over it and make heads and tails of it after almost 3 months!  (this board has been super helpful, btw).

Anyway, to have to play through the whole scenario AGAIN, 40-something years later.  Ugh.  My heart goes out to you, Daybreak. 

To me, what happened the first time is that it didn't make any sense.  Now this time, you're perhaps able to make more sense of it, and thus ended up on this board.  As information comes in, confirming her pattern of affairs and betrayals, it paints a picture for you that's different than the one you had in high school.  Perhaps it validates for you that there was nothing you could have done back in high school to get her to stay.  That there was nothing that you were missing, or wasn't good enough... .    Perhaps it helps validate for you that she has a mental illness, and that the love that you thought you had had more edges to it, both then and a couple years ago, than you realized.

Anyway, good luck to you in your healing process.

[daybreak]

Hardtruth;

I'm glad you get it... .  and you are exactly correct.  That early relationship had a horrible effect on me the way it played out... .  and has impacted my life in very negative ways.  The early abandonment was devastating  and I've had to relive it.  Thank you for your understanding.