Dealing with Crisis Mode

[Vatz]

So today my BPDGF tells me she's home all by herself and has been for days. Hasn't showered, barely ate, hasn't brushed her teeth. Basically she is neglecting herself. She's begging me to pick her up today.

But I can't.

But I do tell her I can get her tomorrow. So she says "But your my husband" and I say "Look, I love you, I want to help you. I'm doing what I can. I can't today, but I can tomorrow." She says "You're not ready." I know what she meant by it. She meant that I'm not ready for a long term commitment. But I also know that long-term commitment means taking total care of her. I can't do that, and I won't. She isn't a cripple.

I feel like SHE is in many ways not ready.

Why I'm posting is, am I right to say no? I mean, yes, she's alone, and needs help... .  but... .  she CAN get up and brush her teeth, take a shower, etc. It's not like she's fallen and can't get up. She isn't sick now either. I was there when she was ill two weeks ago.

Yet I do feel a twinge of guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down. But I know deep down that there are legitimate reasons why I cannot just go get her. I'm conflicted but not too heavily. I knew I couldn't just give in. But was I wrong?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingtogetit]

It must have felt very harsh to you, saying no to her.

But indeed, you can't take total care of her all the way to the primary needs.

My GF would hardly eat and I felt responsible to make sure she had breakfast and had lunch packed etc. And that's just the start of it.

Then we nons start resenting what we feel we have to do to keep their daily lives going. And resenting that they seem to sabotage our efforts. While our pwBPD resents feeling controlled by us, but on the other hand uses it in a way to get attention and start sabotaging.

Of course the bottom line is that they are responsible for themselves and we have to let them be responsible.

If, for some reason they can't handle that responsibility, it becomes the job of professional social services.

We can't parent or baby them and can't have a mature relationship with someone who tries to guilt us to become their parent.

So, well done!

[elemental]

Let her sort herself. When she gets hungry she will eat.

When she gets so gross she can't stand herself, she will wash.

When she gets so lonely from being a hungry unwashed person she will eat, wash, and go look for something interesting to do.

Don't feel guilty.

[Vatz]

Often times I feel like there's a new crisis every month/week.

The last year and a half was just... .  ugly.

I think we were actually okay with each other for like two months all put together. Some of it was arguments, others was "LET'S MOVE IN TOGETHER! WHY WON'T YOU MOVE IN WITH ME?" crises. All the while she was talking about how I wasn't doing enough for the relationship she carried an emotional affair that started almost a day after I had actually gotten over the last one.

After her little indiscretion in november '11, we had problems. Late January I was starting to let things go. When we actually went to a convention together I spent ONE NIGHT actually being happy. Next day to the end of our trip she just texted some dude. Ugh I was angry. I always wanted to go to a con, just to see what it was like, but also experience it with her, and that whole experience was just ___ all over. Next time I ever go to one of those things, I'll contact my GF's girl friend (the one who goes to cons pretty often) and just go with her. I don't know her too well but I'd rather just go with her.

Anyway, since then it's been one thing or another. Either she has an issue with me, or she just texts and texts and texts whenever we're in the same room. It's distracting, annoying and just insulting after a certain point. Then when she actually hangs out with guy friends, she'll do something I'm not too comfortable with and justifies it with "He doesn't have anybody, he's not good at socializing and some day when he gets a girlfriend, I want him to be able to at least not feel shy." I'm pretty sure she hasn't slept with him but, who cares, with that mindset does it matter?

So why am I on the staying board? Honestly, I do not know. I love her, I want to be supportive, help her develop healthy boundaries, support her with her mental health, etc.

But the texting, my god, it has got to stop. Nowadays I just roll my eyes in contempt.

I know, I know, it's a long post. I guess I just want to say that I'm TIRED. I'm tired of all this. I'm saying no for two reasons. Either she'll think

"Hey, maybe I should work on some of my issues, he isn't going to keep rescuing me. I mean, if I can't do it for myself, how can I be helpful to him if he ever needs me?"

... .  or... .  

she'll have enough of being said "no" to and just leave me.

Both possibilities are looking good. But the latter is more likely to happen though.


@ELEMENTAL: Yeah but the whole loneliness thing can only lead to another emotional affair (who knows, maybe it'll be physical  ) At which point the second I find out I guess that just means she's out so... .  when you really think about it, it sorta solves itself in a weird way.

[tryingtogetit]

Hi Vatz

It does sound like you're on a particular low point in your relationship.

And after reading what you put up with so far, I can only respect your commitment.

You raise the question why you are on the staying board and I think that's a legitimate one. Why are you willing to work on a relationship that doesn't respect the values you have? Aside from applauding your resilience, I feel I also have to tell that's ok for you to step back and think about you.

At this moment you sound like the passive person in this, with the outcome up to her, a mentally ill person. I'd suggest you take an active role. Go over the Undecided Board and see what advice is there. You might tell her you have to put the relationship on hold. Tell her what you need of her to come back to the relationship. MAke clear to yourself (and then to her) what you need from a relationship.

Strength to you in these hard times... .