Has anyone been in this situation, where you just have to walk away?

[iamenough]

Hi. My therapist proposed several years ago that my mother might be BPD. My growing up was all about taking care of her. She was regularly depressed, sick in one way or another, and frequently suicidal. The hallmark example I can give you is that once she said was going to drive off a railroad bridge; she pulled to the side of the road and tried to push my brother and I out of the car. We screamed and hung on for dear life until she stopped trying to push us out of the car and resumed driving normally. I had repressed that memory completely until my brother brought it up.

When I married there were issues because she was no longer number one with me; my husband said she was "crazy" and together we set boundaries. My husband unfortunately died young of cancer. I think my mother thought everything would go back to being the way it was, after he died -- but it can't. We have not had a relationship in three years because she went back to her old behavior patterns after my husband died. I reached out recently to see if repair was possible, and it's not. I choose not to be the daughter she wants. My brother has nothing to do with her, either, and my father divorced her.

I am suddenly overwhelmed with grief. She really IS a sick person. Her illness and nobody's willingness to step in destroyed our family. Has anyone been in this situation, where you just have to walk away?

[forgottenarm]

 

Welcome iamenough.  I'm so glad you came here and posted.

First of all, I want to express my sincere sympathy for the loss of your husband.  That had to have been a terrible thing to live through and I've very sorry for the loss to you and his whole family.

My mom had BPD and I remember similar experiences from growing up, so your post instantly struck a chord.  Actually, there are many many people here who experienced similar childhoods, and there are different ways they've handled their adult relationships with these parents.  Some end contact.  Some keep low contact (that's how I've handled my situation).  Others have maintained somewhat normal relationships but with very firm boundaries.  Still others struggle to find the right balance.

I think figuring this out takes a lot of personal work, so you can sense your own boundaries and needs.  Coming here was a great first step.

Have you had the support of a therapist through all of this?  Is your mom in any kind of treatment?

[123Phoebe]

Hi iamenough and

First I want to say how sorry I am for you and your brother having shared such a devastating experience with your mom on the railroad bridge; it had to be terrifying.  And also that you lost your husband at such a young age

I understand where you're coming from with your mom's ramped up behaviors and expecting everything to go back to the way it was (with her being #1) after your husband died.  My mom started acting bizarrely after I got divorced. I couldn't take it.

I did have to detach from her and it was a long slow process.  Who in the world wants to write their Mother off?  I sure didn't.  But, I did for a time... .    Long enough to learn a few things, like having boundaries: Boundaries Tools of Respect  I had no idea what they even were. 

I also read a lot of books, here's a link to some good recommendations:

Book Reviews - Top Recommendations

I was always open to positive communication with her, but when she'd turn dark and domineering, I'd back way off.  Eventually she learned that I wouldn't put up with her nastiness and we've got a pretty good understanding of each other now, so there is hope for you and your mom, too

Please stick around and continue to post, there are a lot of other members with similar issues as ours, as forgottenarm mentioned.  We're all finding our way to healing ourselves and very possibly our relationships.

I'm glad you're here,

Phoebe

[P.F.Change]

Hi, iamenough!

It sounds like you had some terrifying and traumatic experiences growing up. You are definitely not alone in choosing to protect yourself through No Contact with your mother. It has been over two years since I have seen my parents and almost as long since I spoke with either of them. There are many other members here who have made that same difficult decision for the sake of our own mental health.

I am glad you have a Therapist to support you in your grief and trauma recovery. It can be hard to realize that there is nothing you can do to make the person with BPD better. But we can make things better for ourselves. We can learn to give ourselves the unconditional love, nurturing, and protection that our parents were not able to give us. We have some great tools here at bpdfamily.com to help us detach and heal.

I'm glad you decided to join and hope to see more of your posts!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Diligence]

Dear iamenough,

Welcome!  When I read and respond to the posts here I am reassured.  They remind me that my childhood experiences are not unique.  I am not the only swimmer pulling against the current of a traumatic childhood.  This site is part of community that I am gradually building to free myself from lifelong isolation.  I hope your experience here brings you comfort and encouragement.

Warm regards,

Diligence

[iamenough]

Wow, thank you so much for the supportive replies; they bring me peaceful feelings. The column on the right is helpful, too. I had no idea there was a process for working through this; thank God. I need to show all of this to my therapist.

Forgottenarm, as far as I know my mother was never officially diagnosed. If she was diagnosed, she was never told; or, she was told and she never shared it with anyone in our family. She has had a lot of therapy at various points in her life.

My therapist proposed that my mother might be on the BPD spectrum after a session when my brain had started looking at all her actions as a whole -- instead of looking at her behavior as discrete, separate events that she blamed on depression, my father, my brother, my grandmother, etc. Looking at them as a whole actually frightened me, because I saw manipulation and cruelty in her actions. I could not reason or rationalize that away. So I told my therapist, this is scaring me, can I share these things as a whole with you and get a gut check, and after he heard everything, he said that although he had not met her, her behaviors indicated that she might be somewhere on the BPD spectrum.

I think I will need to get a journal; just reading some of the other posts here brings back so much. Need to get it out of my head.

[forgottenarm]

It's a double-edged sword, isn't it?  When you start to put the pieces together?  On the one hand, it's a relief because everything finally makes sense.  On the other hand, it can seem so big and overwhelming.

It took me a long time to reconcile all the conflicting emotions I had toward my mother.  I was angry for a while and sad for the suffering I endured growing up with her.  I think it's important to sit with those feelings for a while because they're telling you your boundaries were violated--a lesson many kids from BPD backgrounds don't get.  However, I don't feel angry with her any more.  The more I've come to understand BPD, the more I see that my mom is operating with really distorted perceptions.  She honestly doesn't understand or even remember the effects of her actions.  She herself is very unhappy and has struggled her whole life to have any kind of attachment or stability.  I feel lucky, actually, because I emerged from that whole situation without having BPD myself and instead, having developed exceptional coping skills!  I bet you have some of those, too 

We have a board here, especially for adult children with BPD parents (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0).  I really hope you'll start posting there and reading others' posts.  It's a great, supportive community and I bet you'll find many people who can relate to your situation.  It sounds like you're making some important breakthroughs in your life---that's terrific, iamenough!  I'm really glad you're here with us.