How do I remove him from my life without being devastated all over again

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been to hell and back over the last two years, not just with this person I am entangled with, but also other serious things going on with members of my family,they alone would have been enough to cause some kind of breakdown without having all the other crazy stuff from him.

I know from all of his behaviour what I am dealing with, I've had it all, every single trait of BPD and more with extra Mayo!

I have proof that he was also engaging with someone else right under my nose, I have had all the denials, he left and moved on to another job, giving me constant texts, calls, but also excuses why he couldn't see me/talk to me, sometimes those excuses were absolutely ridiculus.

I knew the moment he left that he was in touch with her still, his texts referred to her interests, schedules, and his contact with me changed dramatically.

That was eighteen months ago now.

he gave me a handful of short meetings and whilst he was with me, he would goad me with things about her, not mention her, but just subtle things which referred to her.

He knows I have this proof, I have always felt he hung on to me because of that.

He has always swore to me that it was me he was in love with,I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I was so in love with him. I knew he was insecure, I knew I was far too good for him, and he was jealous of other male friends I had (they were only friends) and so I told myself that he did what he did

'before I would do it to him' after wards in his inconsistencies he actually said

"I never thought I would ever get anyone as stunning as you"... .  AHHHHH so you just thought you would keep popping back to her in case I was having you on then?

Some of the things which hit me in the face were so obvious, they all referred to her! but every single time I made another excuse, came up with another possible scenario in my head, told myself I was cracking up, imagining these things.

I have allowed him to 'back off for a few days at a time' thinking... .  maybe he feels engulfed, I have sat with him in his car feeling that his body language just wasn't right, didn't match his words.

I have had excuses that his wife was suspicious, and ambivalent texts, every few days, one day she wants a divorce, then an hour later, another totally different, no mention of it, as though he hadn't even sent it.

And then upon meeting him, I have had "I've been expecting you to say you've had enough" I even asked him "is that why you're doing all this?"  "do you want me to say it's over?" with NO reply. I've told him, he hurt me, and then begged me to stay and work things out, if you don't want to then YOU need to say it.

I've let him send me nothing but texts until finally saying... .  "that's enough, no one in love could manage just texts" only to have him beg and plead and find half an hour to see me in person, and again,,felt in his presence that all was not right. I have come away from him feeling conned every time.

I have had all this now for eighteen months, words coming through in his predicted texts which were from a previous one to someone else,one of them with her childhood nickname!

I have blocked him on my phone, only for him to reach me otherwise, always with false promises of 'spending more time with that special lady of mine'

The words I get from him are so loving and  meaningful, how could they be lies?

How could anyone be so cruel? Why can't he leave me alone if that is what he really wants?

He knows I would never do anything to hurt him.

Every time I have pulled back a little, he comes back with "I know how much you love me, I feel the same, I know how frustrated you are, I feel the same... .  and on and on and on"

He keeps saying, I miss your smile and your sexy voice, but he isn't asking to hear it!

I don't know if he just wants ME to do all the asking... .  I can't... .  I can't make a fool of myself for him any more.

I have tried wording my feleings in different ways, I've even tried as though I were talking to a child... .  he just will not be honest and tell me he doesn't want  any more than ego boosting words from me.

He swears he is deeply in love with me and wants only me.

I know I can't go on like this for another year, I have told him so.

His reaction is to tell me again, missing your smile and sexy voice!

Can someone tell me... .  how do I do this, how do I remove him from my life without being devastated all over again, how do I tell him, make him understand what he is doing to me?

What actual words can make someone like this understand?

[Peterpan]

I have been to hell and back over the last two years, not just with this person I am entangled with, but also other serious things going on with members of my family,they alone would have been enough to cause some kind of breakdown without having all the other crazy stuff from him.

I know from all of his behaviour what I am dealing with, I've had it all, every single trait of BPD and more with extra Mayo!

I have proof that he was also engaging with someone else right under my nose, I have had all the denials, he left and moved on to another job, giving me constant texts, calls, but also excuses why he couldn't see me/talk to me, sometimes those excuses were absolutely ridiculus.

I knew the moment he left that he was in touch with her still, his texts referred to her interests, schedules, and his contact with me changed dramatically.

That was eighteen months ago now.

he gave me a handful of short meetings and whilst he was with me, he would goad me with things about her, not mention her, but just subtle things which referred to her.

He knows I have this proof, I have always felt he hung on to me because of that.

He has always swore to me that it was me he was in love with,I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I was so in love with him. I knew he was insecure, I knew I was far too good for him, and he was jealous of other male friends I had (they were only friends) and so I told myself that he did what he did

'before I would do it to him' after wards in his inconsistencies he actually said

"I never thought I would ever get anyone as stunning as you"... .  AHHHHH so you just thought you would keep popping back to her in case I was having you on then?

Some of the things which hit me in the face were so obvious, they all referred to her! but every single time I made another excuse, came up with another possible scenario in my head, told myself I was cracking up, imagining these things.

I have allowed him to 'back off for a few days at a time' thinking... .  maybe he feels engulfed, I have sat with him in his car feeling that his body language just wasn't right, didn't match his words.

I have had excuses that his wife was suspicious, and ambivalent texts, every few days, one day she wants a divorce, then an hour later, another totally different, no mention of it, as though he hadn't even sent it.

And then upon meeting him, I have had "I've been expecting you to say you've had enough" I even asked him "is that why you're doing all this?"  "do you want me to say it's over?" with NO reply. I've told him, he hurt me, and then begged me to stay and work things out, if you don't want to then YOU need to say it.

I've let him send me nothing but texts until finally saying... .  "that's enough, no one in love could manage just texts" only to have him beg and plead and find half an hour to see me in person, and again,,felt in his presence that all was not right. I have come away from him feeling conned every time.

I have had all this now for eighteen months, words coming through in his predicted texts which were from a previous one to someone else,one of them with her childhood nickname!

I have blocked him on my phone, only for him to reach me otherwise, always with false promises of 'spending more time with that special lady of mine'

The words I get from him are so loving and  meaningful, how could they be lies?

How could anyone be so cruel? Why can't he leave me alone if that is what he really wants?

He knows I would never do anything to hurt him.

Every time I have pulled back a little, he comes back with "I know how much you love me, I feel the same, I know how frustrated you are, I feel the same... .  and on and on and on"

He keeps saying, I miss your smile and your sexy voice, but he isn't asking to hear it!

I don't know if he just wants ME to do all the asking... .  I can't... .  I can't make a fool of myself for him any more.

I have tried wording my feleings in different ways, I've even tried as though I were talking to a child... .  he just will not be honest and tell me he doesn't want  any more than ego boosting words from me.

He swears he is deeply in love with me and wants only me.

I know I can't go on like this for another year, I have told him so.

His reaction is to tell me again, missing your smile and sexy voice!

Can someone tell me... .  how do I do this, how do I remove him from my life without being devastated all over again, how do I tell him, make him understand what he is doing to me?

What actual words can make someone like this understand?

[turtle]

Can someone tell me... .  how do I do this, how do I remove him from my life without being devastated all over again, how do I tell him, make him understand what he is doing to me?

What actual words can make someone like this understand?

Aw... .  Peterpan

No one here needs to scream at you.  You're doing a fine job of that yourself!

Removing him from your life WILL devastate you all over again... .  but that is TEMPORARY.

As things stand right now, you are devastating yourself every single day by continuing to dance this dance with him.

There's really nothing you can say to make him understand what "he's doing to you." From reading your posts, it's clear that you are well spoken and have no problems getting your point across. My best guess is that you've made your feelings about this situation MORE than clear many, many times. 

There are NO words to make someone understand what they do not WANT to understand.

If this kind of treatment from him is unacceptable to you, is there really anything left to say about it?  You're posting on the leaving board, so maybe it's time to leave... .  and MEAN it.

It's so hard!  Believe me.  I KNOW how hard it is!

turtle

[Somewhere]

This is WWAAAAYYYYYY beyond BPD.

This guy is a Predator or what is known in circles as a "Playa."  Short for Player --  He is just playing you (and probably at least a few others) to use for sport.

[LoveNotWar]

What actual words can make someone like this understand?

Peterpan... .  Turtle nailed it... .  there are no words to make him understand what he has done to you. I'm so sorry. It IS devastating to give your love so freely and find out it isn't returned.

The question is do you want to cut him out of your life which will hurt like crazy at first but gradually... .  very slowly and gradually... .  will get better?

Or do you want to continue with him hoping maybe he will come around and forsake all others for you and while you are hoping and waiting continue to live with the hurt and betrayal?

I think you deserve much better than you are getting from this guy!

LNW

[Peterpan]

Thankyou for your replies,

I know you are all right, I know I have to cut him out of my life, he has given me nothing except texts, two phone calls and a handful of short  meetings in that eighteen months, he then went to only intermittent texting throughout the summer, every few days,you will all know that by the time I recieved those texts, I was so relieved to hear from him that all the excuses went out of the window and the same cycle would be in place once more.

A lot of my problems with him have been centred around my work, the other woman is also where I work still, I have had to see her everyday and that alone has been hell. She has denied any contact with him and made me out to be a crazy obsessed nutcase, I have lost any friends I had there.

Things did calm down a bit in that department, work was becoming bearable again for me.

I've read a lot that if they lose contact with you, they will find another way to get a reaction (I've had a lot of that myself)

Then a few months back, he came by work and all hell let loose with her and him,I don't know why he did it,he still had contact with me! There was no need whatsoever!

It caused hell for me, more gossip, more hurt, and then he suddenly wanted to actually talk to me, pestered for two days! Of course, since then he hasn't asked to speak to me at all.

He told me she is nothing but a lunatic rotweiller,but she was shaking and crying when he left!

My gut instinct tells me that she cut him off or something... .  he had no need to do it other than that!

He has shown sociopathic traits to me (IN MY OPINION ) he thrives on drama and clearly enjoys causing trouble and then walking away from it leaving his victims to sort it all out.

I don't know what he is saying to her or others about me, if he can tell me those things about her, then anything is possible!

I do know that he is a stalker, I had it all in the beginning, and fear he will do that again if I just cut him off totally.

Recently his texting style has changed, he has started using abbreviated text,,(mirroring someone else?),very possibly.

I AM detaching, and have been for months, emotionally, I just need to make that final move, try to forget what he did with her or anyone else, and see it for how he actually treats ME. I have to get beyond trying to understand that he may be ill, that he doesn't know what he is doing... .  He does know what he is doing, and is probably laughing at me all the while!

The sad part for me is that I was married to a man for over 20 years who manipulated and controlled me in every way possible... .  I think it's all I've known, and also  why I'm trying to salvage something from this one,,but I know it will never happen.

I feel like I am going round in circles in a fish bowl, but even fish jump out now and then for air!

[real lady]

I know from all of his behaviour what I am dealing with, I've had it all, every single trait of BPD and more with extra Mayo.

That was eighteen months ago now.

I have blocked him on my phone, only for him to reach me otherwise, always with false promises of 'spending more time with that special lady of mine'

Can someone tell me... .  how do I do this, how do I remove him from my life without being devastated all over again, how do I tell him, make him understand what he is doing to me?

What actual words can make someone like this understand?

I am so sorry that after 18 months he hasn't "given up" or "straightened up", he will NOT understand. He doesn't want to. He HAS your attention and only by DELETING ANY CONTACT POSSIBILITY, will you feel free of him. I would get a stalking restraint. He is STALKING you without your consent or encouragement.

Let your workplace know that he is STALKING you. Make this a LEGAL issue. He should NOT be contacting you after 18 months... .  he needs some deep therapy.

Are YOU taking good care of yourself and mentally and emotionally dealing with this with some professional help. It sounds like you could be suffering from C-PTSD, long term STRESSFUL, ABUSIVE and STALKING behavior... .  

Most of all... .  WE CAN CONTROL NO ONE BUT OURSELVES... .  we are responsible for how we behave and speak to others but we ARE NOT responsible for what they understand or how they behave.

Good luck hon.