It's just plain bloody hard

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Am well past the denial, anger and bargaining phases and now am deep in the depressive phase.    I accept who she is and how she couldn't be what I needed in life but every day is a real struggle now.

All my mates are married with families, I broke off with my girlfriend last week... .  I just wasn't in a place to have a relationship with everyone else, but I am now lonely, hurt, depressed.

Moving into a place by myself next week.  

Need to call upon every bit of strength I have in me to get through this.

I feel so listless and all the things I enjoyed have no interest to me.

I've been through some disappointments before but this one has really knocked me.    My ex is planning her wedding, has my replacement by her side.   I am trying to rebuild my career and quite simply just get through the day but it is so so so tough.

Can't exercise as both my achilles are completely knackered (from overuse apparently).  

I've exhausted the understanding of my friends.

I read all of 2010's posts again on the weekend and they give me comfort about what I was involved - it wasn't a relationship, it wasn't love (not from her) despite everything she said.

Praying for small miracles at the moment.  Anything to lift me out of this state of mind.

[really]

Am well past the denial, anger and bargaining phases and now am deep in the depressive phase.    I accept who she is and how she couldn't be what I needed in life but every day is a real struggle now.

All my mates are married with families, I broke off with my girlfriend last week... .  I just wasn't in a place to have a relationship with everyone else, but I am now lonely, hurt, depressed.

Moving into a place by myself next week.  

Need to call upon every bit of strength I have in me to get through this.

I feel so listless and all the things I enjoyed have no interest to me.

I've been through some disappointments before but this one has really knocked me.    My ex is planning her wedding, has my replacement by her side.   I am trying to rebuild my career and quite simply just get through the day but it is so so so tough.

Can't exercise as both my achilles are completely knackered (from overuse apparently).  

I've exhausted the understanding of my friends.

I read all of 2010's posts again on the weekend and they give me comfort about what I was involved - it wasn't a relationship, it wasn't love (not from her) despite everything she said.

Praying for small miracles at the moment.  Anything to lift me out of this state of mind.

[Newton]

really... .  perhaps try to focus on the message you give to others... .  ie/these rough times will pass.

There is a future out there for you and when you will look back on now I'm sure you will think "wow!... .  how did I pull myself through that!"

I appreciate that restrospect is not now... .  but thinking about the possibility of it may ease your pain... .  it sounds like things are pretty low right now... .  you have support here... .  and these low times will fade away with time... .  

Post here... .  relentlessly if you need to... .  we get it... .  and you know that 

[charred]

What can be hard is going from almost hourly contact with someone that at least is interested enough in you to contact you constantly... never mind that they might be angry at you... .  then going to silence. I found that the toughest single thing.

What helped... getting busy and getting head clear... which was reading Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth"... to unwind and lose my stress and endless ruminating over it. Doing a end to end house cleaning with super detail (mindless near make work)... and keeping both a TV and radio going all the time. Those helped pass time while smarting... but what kept me sane was staying with my sister for a few months... having someone that is really solid emotional support, who was non-judgmental and just would listen to me going on and on. Family helped... friends quickly grew tired of hearing it... and didn't understand why I was so torn up over a breakup, after all been through lots of them, why was it different. Its clearly very different.

Understanding that she was not able to do things different, that she was essentially an adult with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old... .  while it helped my brain understand... did nothing for moving on and getting over it. Time helped, grieving the r/s helped, being busy helped, and working enough and being up long enough to go to bed and sleep through the night helped. Worse thing was to go to bed lay and ruminate.

Keep on posting and getting help... its tough, my first go round with my exBPDgf was almost 30 yrs ago, and no support was available, it was the low point in my life... you can beat it. I moved 1500 miles away and started over... see that as a mistake now... I should have been with family all the time... 4 yrs ago I got back with my exBPDgf, (prompting a divorce from my wife of 22 yrs) and the hell came back and was multiplied, this time staying with my sister, having a T, and the rest of the things I mentioned helped make it bearable.

Lately been watching Jodi Arias trial on TV, she clearly is BPD... .  and it makes me feel better to be out... .  like I dodged a bullet and 29 knifings and a slit throat... .  so it could always be worse.

[Newton]

charred this is ALL good advice... .  I hope others read it and take it on board... .  keeping busy helps... .  sitting around dwelling does not!

We do need to work through the emotions to heal but sometimes when it's all too much, physical activity or mind dulling distractions are essential!

I used to ride my bike, take out my camera, window shop, call a friend that I hadn't spoken to in a while (and purposefully NOT talk about my ex!)... .  

We all spent so much time focusing on them... .  now it's about us ... .  

[Tausk]

Really:  It is hard.  We all know. You're not alone.  It does get better.

Do a self check and maybe a professional opinion on the depression issue.  It's a common condition for us on the this side of the board.

And remember that our limerence, our PTSD, our trauma bond, our obsession, our emptiness, our feelings of being discarded... .  they are not moral deficiencies or a function of being weak.

We are grieving a major death in our lives, which is the loss of what we thought and were committed to the great love of our lives.  We were willing to give anything for it.  We we asked to be willing to give anything for the interaction.  And then we were painted black and shut out.

And we are in PTSD due to the trauma bond and the walking on egg shells.

But we on this side do recover.  It takes time, and it hurts like hell.  But we don't have to go through it alone. We have tools and a blue print.  And we have reason for hope.

Even if you thought in the past that being apart might be ok, remember that you once thought that way, and that thought process will return.  have hope and faith in that fact. 

Hang in there.  Exercise until you drop.  Post until your fingers are raw.  and I'd say pray and meditate until you think you actually see the meaning of life. 

If you do all of the above, I believe that in short time you'll find some peace and then happiness and then joy and grace.  I want more that to devote my life to a bottomless well of insanity.  i want a life of meaning.  I bet you do as well.

We're here for you, just as I've known that you've been here for me.  You're a good man.  A man of character.  A man of sincerity. 

[really]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your response.

SP: The limerence does feel like a bit of a weakness at the moment.   It was a major dealth.   Really thought she was the great love of my life.     Exercise is a problem at the moment because of my achilles problems.   These things always come along at the wrong time.   Definitely want a life of meaning.

Charred: yes the silence is a killer isn't it.   On some levels I would have preferred the anger.   I had a much better idea of what I was dealing with when she was angry but certainly did not have the understanding at the time to deal with that.  Only inflamed things further.  I downloaded that Eckart Tolle book after reading one of your earlier posts and it is at the top of my reading list so thank you for that recommendation.  I know you went through the ringer with your ex.  I moved back to my family to stop any prospects of her ~ me.   That wouldn't have happened anyway as far too much happened and she has too many N traits to ever be able to take a step back with what she did.

Newton: Yep finding some new activities is definitely something I need to do.    I set up a meetup group last year, which is going from strength to strength - another guy took it over when I moved back home and it a positive legacy of my last 12 months in that other country.    I miss the guys from that group.   Really got me through some tough times.   

Thanks all for your support.    Has really helped me get through some difficult days.

[charred]

And read posts about people that went back for more... .  it might help chase away the notion that it would work this time. I kept thinking maybe it was me... .  and went from NC to LC... .  and even that was a slap in the face, my exBPDgf... gave me grief because I was logged on to gmail chat, and didn't respond in a few minutes to her... so she got off (insulting my manhood) then later sent a note saying I was a liar and clearly used the chat to talk to other people... then a note/text saying I was blocked... .  then the next day an urgent... .  get on chat... I did, and she wanted an apology!  I asked why I should apologize for her calling me a liar and being childish and blocking me on chat... .  and she said I had seemed lucid before, clearly had a problem and we need to be done.

If you have dealt with that kind of crazy making, you ... .  like me, and most of us, need to lick your wounds and thank god you are out. I have a hard time seeing it that way, but it is true. Seriously, catch the Jodi Arias trial thing... her stories are familiar... the outcome... worse than ours... .  but like the movie Fatal Attraction... .  you can see it could happen to you, I keep thinking, is it worth getting shot/knifed/killed over? Its not even pleasant, I couldn't even chat a few times a week without getting abusive treatment.

The other thing that helps that I didn't mention... .  get with someone else... if you are dating (which is really hard when hurt deeply)... anyway going out helped. I went to a horse show thing (not my cup of tea)... and just being out with a nice lady made it all better, I realized not everyone is nuts, dangerous, insulting, hateful. Haven't slept with anyone else yet, rather gun shy at this point, but am pretty sure that would really help.

Glad to hear you are with family, and have already done things with meetups... I bet my sister my exBPDgf's next relationship after me would last less than 6 mos... .  and won... she was posting pics on FB of them doing holidays, and family stuff and making great plans... .  and plop... he was gone, and I heard from friends of hers... she scared him off, he thought she was great, then odd, then scary as hell. So... keep up hope. The worse thing to do would be married to them and have a kid, then have the r/s end... the hell wouldn't. You will be happy again, just keep at it, 95% of all the good things in my life happened... after I got dumped the first time by my exBPDgf... good luck.