Projections/Guilt afterwards

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys,

I had a relaxing weekend but this morning was not good.

I woke up to work on a project i have been working on for 3 years.

My business partners always need my help w something and i freaked out a bit this morning on my passive business partner, when I was really upset with my narcissist business partner and don't know how to handle it right now.

I seem to have a hard time not expressing my anger and venting to an extreme degree around my passive business partner and although I apologize for my outbursts and anxious state of mind, I am really making a fool out of myself and feel terribly guilty and ashamed of my behavior.

35 days out of a 4 yr long BPD rollercoaster rs... .  

I feel awful about how I am with my friends and business partners these days... .  it makes me want to isolate.

I just feel like I am super anxious and reality is extremely stressful and i do better just to focus on one thing at a time... .  i get overwhelmed when anything negative or I perceive as negative gets thrown my way... .  

It is taking all my effort just to relax and work and find normalcy again... .  I am really struggling with projection and social paranoia... .  and talking to T twice a week helps, but I am just acting like an over emotional, neurotic jerk... .  and it is hard for me to relax and be a good communicator right now

It sucks because I used to be a good listener and never would get mad at anybody who didn't deserve it... .  I feel like a real jerk. I can't believe I was so nice to my exwBPD and im such a jerk to my poor business partner.

He's a huge codependent/doormat and I am projecting for sure... .  and I try and create space, because he doesn't deserve to be around me right now... .  even though he says no big deal. I am so frustrated with everybody right now... .  I hope this goes away soon, because I don't like myself right now.

I'm bitter and rude to my friends. What is wrong with me? How can I prevent my snide behavior from continuing so that I don't hate myself?

Stoic

[stoic83]

Hey guys,

I had a relaxing weekend but this morning was not good.

I woke up to work on a project i have been working on for 3 years.

My business partners always need my help w something and i freaked out a bit this morning on my passive business partner, when I was really upset with my narcissist business partner and don't know how to handle it right now.

I seem to have a hard time not expressing my anger and venting to an extreme degree around my passive business partner and although I apologize for my outbursts and anxious state of mind, I am really making a fool out of myself and feel terribly guilty and ashamed of my behavior.

35 days out of a 4 yr long BPD rollercoaster rs... .  

I feel awful about how I am with my friends and business partners these days... .  it makes me want to isolate.

I just feel like I am super anxious and reality is extremely stressful and i do better just to focus on one thing at a time... .  i get overwhelmed when anything negative or I perceive as negative gets thrown my way... .  

It is taking all my effort just to relax and work and find normalcy again... .  I am really struggling with projection and social paranoia... .  and talking to T twice a week helps, but I am just acting like an over emotional, neurotic jerk... .  and it is hard for me to relax and be a good communicator right now

It sucks because I used to be a good listener and never would get mad at anybody who didn't deserve it... .  I feel like a real jerk. I can't believe I was so nice to my exwBPD and im such a jerk to my poor business partner.

He's a huge codependent/doormat and I am projecting for sure... .  and I try and create space, because he doesn't deserve to be around me right now... .  even though he says no big deal. I am so frustrated with everybody right now... .  I hope this goes away soon, because I don't like myself right now.

I'm bitter and rude to my friends. What is wrong with me? How can I prevent my snide behavior from continuing so that I don't hate myself?

Stoic

[Rose Tiger]

I'm going through the same thing.  My T says that I'll be swinging back and forth for a while, until I find a happy medium assertiveness.  Anger is was not an allowed emotion growing up.  Those feelings are saying, screw it, it's allowed now.  We might swing past assertive into aggression.  When that happens we need to pull it back a notch.  Not swing all the back to doormat though.

Sometimes a bit of assertiveness can feel too aggressive since it's so foreign.  Sometimes I think, oh crap, I am so going to get fired.  Things are changing, and I see a bit more respect coming my way.

I doubt you are as bad as you think.  Unless you get fired.  Just kidding!

This is an interesting link for us that had feelings dis-allowed growing up:

www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm

[seeking balance]

When I was in this situation, I used the skills that I had read about in DBT - it seemed to help.

Also, make sure you are getting physical exercise every day - it helps with the anxiety... .  being physically tired makes it harder to "snap" too.

[Traye]

Hey Stoic--  I don't know how to help you with preventing that behavior, but I can tell you it's 100% normal.  I just spent an hour with my T talking about it.  I'm in precisely the same boat--agitated, irritable, high-strung, easy to go off... .  on anybody and everybody.  I feel really bad.  (Well, except for breaking NC and going off on my uBPDexgf... .  she definitely deserved it.)    My T is actually thrilled--says I'm finally standing up for myself and that the strong blanket approach to being upset with everyone/anyone will reconfigure itself and I'll be better able to appropriately feel and target my emotions.  In the meantime... .  just apologize.  I'm off to make such an apology right now.

[stoic83]

I'm going through the same thing.  My T says that I'll be swinging back and forth for a while, until I find a happy medium assertiveness.  Anger is was not an allowed emotion growing up.  Those feelings are saying, screw it, it's allowed now.  We might swing past assertive into aggression.  When that happens we need to pull it back a notch.  Not swing all the back to doormat though.

Sometimes a bit of assertiveness can feel too aggressive since it's so foreign.  Sometimes I think, oh crap, I am so going to get fired.  Things are changing, and I see a bit more respect coming my way.

I doubt you are as bad as you think.  Unless you get fired.  Just kidding!

This is an interesting link for us that had feelings dis-allowed growing up:

www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm

Hey rose tiger... .  i'm not in danger of getting fired... .  I persuaded my two business partners... .  6 years my elders to join up forces with me. I'm the big boss... .  chairman... .  whatever.

One of my biggest pet peevs is people who abuse power or perceived power... .  and this includes treating my business partner poorly when he is relying partly on me for his own well-being. So I am what I hate and have fighting against since a child... .  a mean jerk to the people who rely on him.

Kind of reminds of my exwBPD... .  

I appreciate your empathy, but I am really ashamed of myself

I apologize immediately, but these outbursts remind me of BPDex or NPD dad... .  but with some humility and guilt tossed in.

I just want to be alone... .  keeps me ripe for another recycle whenever she needs some supply... .  

I feel anxious and alienated... .  I would not want to be friends or partners with me right now. Sucks for them.

I was supposed to be the hero... .  not a bitter old man 29 yo.

Codependency's a btch. And it follows me around everywhere i go and bites me in the ass... .  kind of reminds me of myBPDex. Maybe I should just call her "codependency" because that's all she was to me in the end... .  it's hard to love someone that treat's you like an object. Oh well, hopefully this ass of mine find's its way out of the well... .  

Checked out the donkey in the well story... .  pretty cool.

[Rose Tiger]

I have a real hard time picturing you as unkind.  I want to validate your feelings, you feel like you are too hurtful to be around unsuspecting innocent people right now,  I hear that but can you give us an example of why you are feeling that you are being too harsh?

[DogDancer]

Stoic83, hi

Yep. Same boat. Well, I'm not getting out of BPD relationship (although I'm starting to believe my last one actually was... .  ) And, I'm not new *intellectually* to the facts of my dxBPD deceased mother's behavior and the effects on my life.

What IS new, is that two years into serious, weekly sessions, the dredging up of the angry stuff, the ugly stuff, the stuff I was *not* allowed -- actually, I wasn't allowed to "be" growing up, so pretty much everything - is coming up NOW. The last two months, I've felt both empowered and a little out of control. All the anger coming out is partly why I didn't post for a month after starting to read here. I felt like I would lose all my pretty words and master's degree writing skills, and all that would be left is a string of four letter words.

Some days, most days, I still feel that way for part of the day. However, I'm also starting to see some of my internal, long-held habit of chronic anxiety (held inward, of course), start to abate.

So... .  I think you're recovering. As others have said, it's likely a good sign that some of what was bottled up is coming out. Don't beat yourself up. You can always make a brief, sincere apology to partner(s) tomorrow without belaboring it. Your "blow up" probably felt more exaggerated to you than it was. Also a common experience here.

Exercise, even just long walks outside *definitely* help to ensure the pendulum starts to swing slower! Hang in there. 

Peace and more healing,

DogDancer

[stoic83]

I have a real hard time picturing you as unkind.  I want to validate your feelings, you feel like you are too hurtful to be around unsuspecting innocent people right now,  I hear that but can you give us an example of why you are feeling that you are being too harsh?

I am just get loud and upset about the state of affairs... .  the fact that we haven't made a lot of tangible progress... .  and that he isn't taking ownership and hes 36 years old blah blah... .  like lecturing him for not taking charge, but in a mean and condescending way? That I screamed and said "im sick of this company! I hate this company" and took a time out outside. Just overemotional and freaking out... .  "I'm 1/3d of this company and Im tired of being in the hot seat! Somebody else needs to be in the hot seat! You think i can handle all of this w no family, BPD rs destruction, having no financial stability, social stability... .  I can't do this anymore! You have to better than me right now"... .  do you understand?... .  just way over the top, .

I think i kicked a piece of trash as well.

I guess I wasn't that cruel... .  more just freaked out in front of him.

Not good energy for the company to say the least.

Im trying to work on some frustrating error stuff that i cant get to work and i have clouds of black squiggly lines over my head a la peanuts.

I actually just make myself look like a crazy moron... .  so I guess you are right that I wasn't cruel... .  just bad attitude and acting like a child... .  


Stoic

[stoic83]

I appreciate all you guys chiming in with some kind support... .  I can see that I am not the only one who has experienced the lack of balance in emotional stability after one of these relationships. It just makes me feel like I am crazy that my emotions are so powerful and come out of nowhere. It's just a sad sight to see... .  i would hate to see myself from a third party perspective right now... .  I would be like "that guy is a toddler... .  " seems like I'm acting out all the awful stuff she said to me... .  projective identification or something. Wonder why it only seems to affect me like this after she is out of my life (previous breakups too)... .  she called me a lot of terrible things... .  so could it be that I am acting them out unconsciously? It probably isn't as bad as I thought... .  but it seems like my biz partner is awfully tolerant and not very sensitive, so he is not a good social mirror for my behavior right now... .  he doesnt seem all that bothered by it, but I feel terrible.

Stoic

[seeking balance]

I appreciate all you guys chiming in with some kind support... .  I can see that I am not the only one who has experienced the lack of balance in emotional stability after one of these relationships. It just makes me feel like I am crazy that my emotions are so powerful and come out of nowhere. It's just a sad sight to see... .  i would hate to see myself from a third party perspective right now... .  I would be like "that guy is a toddler... .  " seems like I'm acting out all the awful stuff she said to me... .  projective identification or something. Wonder why it only seems to affect me like this after she is out of my life (previous breakups too)... .  she called me a lot of terrible things... .  so could it be that I am acting them out unconsciously? It probably isn't as bad as I thought... .  but it seems like my biz partner is awfully tolerant and not very sensitive, so he is not a good social mirror for my behavior right now... .  he doesnt seem all that bothered by it, but I feel terrible.

Stoic

Seriously, check out info online about DBT - there are techniques that are easy to apply for nons and really did wonders for me at getting my emotions in check.  It is like emotional kindergarten.

[DogDancer]

You're right, Stoic.

We're just "barfing" back all the bad BPD stuff that was dumped/projected on us. 

We knew it wasn't logical when it was happening, and that it wasn't true, but even so, if enough lands on you for long enough some sticks.

The T tells me to move the energy out physically. It would be idea to have some place I could yell (privately!) while I did something really physical. I've got a whiffle bat and can beat on some pillows or laundry piles downstairs (I'm mad enough in this stage that even that doesn't make me feel like an horse's ass -- I'm all in. ) However, I can't really yell "back" and release energy verbally for fear of scaring the two cats and the dog who have great hearing and would hear even if out in yard/car. Wish I had a plot of country land... .  there would be some loud yelling and bashing of fallen trees/logs.

So... .  ya got a gym membership? Access to a punching bag? Maybe get one from Craigslist that you could hang in the basement? It's coming out, so you might as well channel it, eh... .  

Peace and healing,

DogDancer

[Rose Tiger]

Self assessing.  Yep, I've been having similiar outbursts but more about processes than people.    Thanks for sharing your experience, I was curious if it was just me that feels so irritated with day to day stuff.  Another fall out from the BPD melt down.  Someone should make a list of these stages.  Ok after we get past this, what is next?  How long does this last?  How can one build a support network when we aren't a whole lot of fun to be around right now?  

[stoic83]

Self assessing.  Yep, I've been having similiar outbursts but more about processes than people.    Thanks for sharing your experience, I was curious if it was just me that feels so irritated with day to day stuff.  Another fall out from the BPD melt down.  Someone should make a list of these stages.  Ok after we get past this, what is next?  How long does this last?  How can one build a support network when we aren't a whole lot of fun to be around right now?  

Hey rose tiger... .  yes these are exactly my thoughts. I realize when I get around strangers... .  I do a pretty good job, and it reminds me of my old self... .  it's only current friends or business partners... .  I can't talk to my family right now because they are emotionally abusive and puts me in a "control me" syndrome mentality.

I can build a support network on here! But I need face to face contact... .  human touch. I have read a lot of articles about working from home while starting a business, and anybody who is sane has managed to do so by being hypervigilant and practically predatory about maintaining a social life... .  I just don't have it in me right now... .  and i don't have the money to go eat lunch out and go spend money since is what most people who have a "regular job" do with their free time... .  

One problem for me is that most "working stiffs" have a lot more money for extracurriculars than i do right now. Pretty much my extra spending money is going to therapy... .  

I know I can go to the dog

part or meetups.com or work/play a computer game(escapism not good for me right now) with my business partner. I hung out with a good friend in friendship that has been on the rocks... .  he got drunk and told me that it is too hard to keep going through this BPD breakup with me... .  e.g. he has been supportive during previous breakups... .  but it is personally insulting to him that I have neglected our friendship for this exBPD chick... .  it's depressing to watch someone with a lot potential that you respect to prefer to hang out with someone like my exwBPD over everybody else... .  I can understand how he feels...

I really don't blame him... .  I am tired of apologizing to everybody. Even my friends who I have neglected... .  keep in mind that I always "drive" this friend because he likes to drink socially and can't really express himself without a drink.

So maybe i have been a bit codependent in this friendship and other friendships as well... .  

People respect and give to me... .  until they realize they dont have to... .  that I like to do the giving... .  even when I have less than everyone else.

PLus since i am spending like 95% of my income on bills and rent... .  how can I not feel resentful for giving (codependent). How can I give my time, energy, money to friends when I am barely making it? How can I honestly relax when i have no money no support... .  how can i ground myself, when all i have is my dreams? How can I not seem like a leech? It's not like I have ever been in a great financial situation (save a 6 month period of my corporate job after college)... .  money is very important where i live, socially.

It is warm here all the time... .  there is not a lot of cozy "gettting to know eachother" the society i live in is very adhd and very narcissistic... .  or I could just be biased from the people i know.

i don't have a ton of money to go drive to museums ( ) and take classes. I asked my T about her friends in the area since she grew up here and she says that she has a small bubble of friends and she loves it... .  I asked her if her friends (that she has known growing up here) made a lot of new meaningful friendships and she said not at all.

So there you go. If the only healthy woman i know here has a small bubble of friends and they don't branch out and meet new people... .  what is the point in trying?

I will ask her about that at 10 am.

Stoic83

[Rose Tiger]

Yep, I think at my age it's not like college where I can go party with my girlfriends.  And that's not appealing, unless it's karoke at the irish pub on st. paddys day.    I did belong to a bible study group during my trying to find a life outside of the ex time.  The leader of our group got transferred out of state and I didn't feel like joining another.  Maybe sometime down the road because groups like that are good family replacements.  At this age, the things I enjoy are couples things.  Taking a walk and holding hands.  Going to the movies.  Eating dinner together.  Watching tv.

I'm terrified of dating sites.  I do not want to explain my history to a new person.  I'd run from a person with a history like mine.  Do I lie?  Keep it hidden?  And maybe all the good ones are taken and all that's left is folks with PDs out there in available dates land.  Those are my biggest fears.  I know they aren't rational.  I don't know how to find someone until I get over this fear that the available pool will have huge issues.  Because they are hidden and it takes time to uncover what they could be.  I would love a gal pal for a girl's night out.  It's all around slim pickens right now. 

Thinking.  If you started a meet up group on the web, what would you want the focus to be?  Just brain storming on this.

[stoic83]

I'd run from a person with a history like mine.  Do I lie?  Keep it hidden?  And maybe all the good ones are taken and all that's left is folks with PDs out there in available dates land.  Those are my biggest fears.  I know they aren't rational. 

Hey rose tiger, i thought about what you said here and feel the same way.

The way I untwist my thinking about this is: would I really want to be with somebody that wouldn't be compassionate about this after getting to know me? Not everyone has been in a rs w somebody this unhealthy... .  I am beginning to see that although I am attracted to women with borderline traits, it doesn't have to be somebody with a PD. If someone doesn't want to be with me because I was a empathetic to a woman with a mental illness that used my compassion to manipulate me in to sticking around... .  then they aren't the one fore me.

Granted I wouldn't mention this to them until after a few dates. I wouldn't want to date a woman who tells me immediately that her last rs was abusive... .  that is a red flag. When i can see she is nervous to tell me and says it in a soft way and then breaks down, that would be a sign that she feels comfortable and would increase intimacy... .  of course I know in my gut what is real and what is crocodile tears.

I wouldn't mind being with another victim of abusive relationships as long as they were with them because they had empathy towards oppressed people, like myself, as opposed to an abuser themselves. I felt a camaraderie with my exwBPD because she had been abused as a child and by peers as well... .  

Plus, as my T pointed out I will feel it in my stomach when there is someone is PD... .  and she seems to be very sensitive like me. She is right. I know... .  I know the difference between traits and disorder... .  I don't get that feeling in my gut around some women I have been wary of... .  and should have "trusted my gut"... .  oh well there are plenty of good men and women out there, some with stories of hardship... some without.

I am a human PD detector these days... .  and if I don't let it make me paranoid, and calmly listen to my gut... .  I know I will find someone who I can have a fulfilling rs with. Don't let your thinking mind disuade you from feeling out the person!

[Mountaineagle]

I vent out in my diary that I have just started. I am surprised how much I have to write out. When ever I start to feel a little off the sensation of irritation is usually the beginning and then a "knot" in my throat. From that it can escalate BIG time. That is when I grab my computer and pound out words of wrath like never before. Memories that piss me off start arising, I write about how f__ up that really is . I continue until I am empty, and then I don't look back, I never read those posts afterwards. In time I am sure I will read them again when I am ready. There are so many unprocessed experiences and feelings I never expressed that just erupts through writing. I also exercise heavily with kettlebells to empty out frustrations and blocked energy, also a new habit. There is so much ~ that has to come out, just choose your safe outlet and rock on!

[Somewhere]

Stoic -- break the script.

Do something Very UN-BPD.

Apologize to your partners/friends.

I am sorry.  I was wrong to hit__.  Please Forgive me.

When was the last time ANY of us heard that?

[stoic83]

Stoic -- break the script.

Do something Very UN-BPD.

Apologize to your partners/friends.

I am sorry.  I was wrong to hit__.  Please Forgive me.

When was the last time ANY of us heard that?

Haha... .  I must apologize 10 times a day... .  still doesn't make it right though does it?

I need more structure in my day and more exercise.

It does feel silly apologizing all the time... .  

It kind of seems like you are projecting on to me, but a less fragile person probably wouldn't be sensitive to such things... .  does that make it any less wrong?

Should you apologize to me?


Stoic

[Iced]

I'm tired and can't quite think properly, but I just wanted to share some thoughts and my own experience in this matter.

Before the pwBPD came into my life, I would say that I had little trouble expressing myself and my emotions when situations called for it and my anger management was, as my therapist said, 'just fine'.

After my roller coaster ride which left me feeling strung out, wrung out, and left to dry while being whipped at the same time, my ability to appropriately express my emotions - and sometimes even my thoughts - took quite a nosedive.

At the suggestion of my therapist who I saw during the end of everything, I was instructed to react as little to possible to any and all of their provocations and to also as drama-free as possible to cease any and all contact with them - especially when the stalking began.

I ceased any and all contact with them and though I wrote a to-the-point letter to them telling them I was breaking things off in no uncertain terms (also at the recommendation of my therapist), it wasn't a 'closure' for me, either, and after all this time, I have realized that I -still- don't have closure which is partially what is contributing to my current and possibly growing anger issues.

Though I know a sincere apology from the one who hurt me is at this point both mostly impossible and very unrealistic, a part of me can't help but want one... .  and for both of us to REALLY close that damned book and both be mature enough and reasonable enough to understand things for what they were... .  and with no more leftover remnants... .  like stalking - HA!

I have forgiven them because I know that illness is as illness does and I actually still (invisibly and unknown to them) care about them, but forgiveness of them doesn't necessarily = pain at being hurt going away, either.

When someone hurts you but doesn't acknowledge it, it's not acknowledging that you hurt and if you've been demonized as being wrong, wrong, WRONG, then you yourself are going to probably have a hard time acknowledging that, YES, you ARE hurting and not only that, it is okay to feel hurt, etc.

End result?

And for me, especially since the end of my situation resulted in stalking for several years?

ANGER.

LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of ANGER.

For me, I know that my feelings of anger stem from:

- feeling like I can never truly move on with my life WITHOUT THEM IN IT and trying to tag along.

- feeling like my part in the whole mess was/is unacknowledged and that the damage done was/is also unacknowledged

- feeling afraid to BE angry or even say anything even remotely negative about the situation I was in (much less the person) because I am fearing the barrage of verbal abuse that once characterized the last few months of the situation that I was in... .  even though they're now 'gone' from my life as much as possible!

- feeling like I have become a changed person and for the worst (and YES, omg but I feel absolutely awful about my shortened temper and increased irritability and everything else)

- feeling that my situation is unfair (my whole gripe about me being in the psychiatric chair so I can get a handle on this whole hot mess while they're free to deny having problems and free to go without any kind of treatment)

- having had to literally become a new person (because of the stalking problems)

- being overwhelmed with fear of being 'found out' in the new places that I have established myself in

- being told that though my experience 'was bad', the BPD's experience 'was worse' and related to that (this was from a different therapist)

- feeling that my experience - and with it, emotions, etc - is/are invalidated when I was more or less told that i needed to have more compassion for the pwBPD

And the list goes on.

Because the end result was stalking - both active and passive (thank goodness mostly passive now) - these things keep getting perpetuated; as much as I would love to say that knowing they are still looking for me and trying to sniff me out doesn't bother me, it DOES.

Right now, it's back to therapy again to see if I can get a better handle on things... .  including all that anger that I still have trouble properly - and maybe even healthily - expressing.

[Maryiscontrary]

Iced, boy have I been exactly in your shoes. I know how invalidating this is. God do I know.

Is there anyway to validate yourself? The lesson, I believe, is not to rely on others validation. Because other peoples opinions are wavering and unstable. Most people are very, very dysfunctional, and validation is fleeting at best.

Can you validate yourself, and only align yourself with people ... .  under absolute no uncertain terms... .  that don't have empathy failures? You may have to distance yourself from long, long term relationships, which are familiar, but very, very unhealthy.

Stoic. Can you sit with these very bad feeling you are having without judging them? If you can do this, the bad feeling will fade like a cigarette craving when you resist smoking.

[Iced]

@Mary:  I'm sorry you know what it feels like!

The rational side of me knows that my feelings (and myself as a person) are valid, but the emotional side that feels like it got beaten to a pulp and into submission during the duration of my experience says otherwise.

Working on it, though.

But what did you mean when you said, "distance yourself from long, long term relationships, which are familiar, but very, very unhealthy?"

@Stoic:  Sorry for butting in there earlier; in my tiredness I forgot to say that I just wanted to share my story and let you know that you're not alone in your struggles and struggling.

I'm sorry you're struggling, but at the same time, acknowledging the struggle and the emotions can be a good thing.

[Rose Tiger]

I agree Stoic, most people would be sympathetic to knowing you've gone through a rough time.  I wish I had had just one bad relationship and then figured it out.  I had several bad relationships before I figured out it wasn't all them, that I had some issues to address.  Better late than never, right?

Writing things in a journal is a good idea, too.  Very good idea.  The frustrations I'm going through now are not so much related to the relationship, it's more how I've let people treat me, the whole codependency thing.  It didn't use to bother me, well it bothers me now when coworkers belittle me.  That's my deal.  Relearning how to teach people to treat me.  I think there are two anger stages, anger at ex and then anger at letting other people treat me like I don't matter.  I'm in the second one of starting to feel that I do matter.

[Maryiscontrary]

Iced, it is basically just like rose said. You have to take a very firm stand, draw fort knox boundaries, and decide that you will not be around people who have empathy failure or who treat you poorly. Some of these relationships may be lifelong and very familiar.

[stoic83]

Iced,

I have dealt with stalking behaviors and threats of violence from my exwBPD that I had known for 4 years.

My behavior has disintegrated through two avenues:

1) Relationship w/ exwBPD : suicide threats, 5150s, periods of letter writing and apologies, relationship recycles, stalking, her showing up out of nowhere and crying... .  apologizing, after months,  then once im back in her life... .  painted black and abandonded.

2) Entreprepreneur: Conned by my father to quit my job so that i could go in to business with him... .  him and his business partner get 66%... .  me 33%. I did all of the work and they quit in the middle so that I lost my job, and was soon homeless. I invited other business partners on board, and they got pulled in to this bull~ company... .  and blamed me for taking advantage of them, even though I ended up with no job, no money, nothing at 25 all because i wanted to make my dad happy and make money for my family. After the business failed, my family stopped talking to me again. I find out that the guy my dad was working with got indicted by the FBI for fraudulent investment activity.

So both of these things at once... .  I completely agree about  being encouraged to have emapthy and compassion for exwBPD, and having none for myself... .  this has made me super protective lately... .  pushing everyone away with N traits, and projecting on to people with codependency traits... .  angry that they don't stand up for themselves. I mean after all I've already been "destroyed" I still have hope for them... .  no hope for "BPDex"

Mary, I had to stop talking to my mom, dad, and sister because essentially they all have empathy failure... .  

I hope i can draw fort knox boundaries on the pavement with a piece of chalk, because if I dont get my sht together that is where i will be!

My mom (wBPD?) has painted me black several times and so the person I wanted support the most would just harp on  me for being with my exwBPD... .  my mom has always been insanely JEALOUS of my girlfriends, so anything she has to say is tainted with her own polluted concepts of a mother/son relationship, so hard to take it seriously anymore.


Rose,

I am only 29 so I have had only one extremely destructive romantic rs... .  

However, cutting off my family since they are the original perps on my victim triangle... .  has been tough, even though they love to keep me around as a toxic trash can, scapegoat, blacksheep.

Either way... .  I'm getting all these toxic people out of my life so i only have one person to blame.

Another thing, is that I believe one of my biz partners has NPD and is being abused by his BPD wife. He walks all over me... .  yesterday i said "you don't own me" and he said "yes I do, this is my office (my house)".

I told him that I am afraid of people just walking in to my house and to please knock at the door and treat me with respect like a normal human being. Both my business partners agreed i overreacted... .  I asked him to knock on the door and to please respect my boundaries and he purposefully violates my boundaries and it makes me so angry.

My other business partner is an EXTREME codependent... .  and I have taken out my frustrations on/with him for not standing up for himself with the NPD business partner and making me look like the "bad guy".

Im starting to think these guys are both nuts. They come in my house and act like it's a corporate environment... .  and I constantly feel like my boundaries are walked all over.

My codependent biz partner is very "nice", but doesn't really have any respect for my boundaries either. He is always telling jokes with violence or sex involved... .  and I told him to stop telling me morbid jokes because I am depressed and he doesn't stop. His sadistic smile infuriates me and i am around him all the time working on a very sophisticated software project and I am trying to set space and boundaries... .  but it his tough, because he seems to always want to hang around and have excuses to interrupt or talk to me... .  

This guy is the only person i see every day. Aside from the above, he is extremely annoying... .  he tells very long winded stories with hardly any point... .  he makes himself in to a complete doormat with his gf and my NPD biz partner (and me when im griping at him for being such a doormat)... .  

I get a sick feeling in my stomach when the NPD biz partner is at my house, and I make subtle comments about him being evil... .  him and i play unconscious head games... .  and i don't think it is really good for either of us. He knows he has met his match with me... .  eg. his manipulations will not work on me... .  so he is continuing to push on me, push on my boundaries... .  ignore me, bulldoze what i say... .  

If I cant get this back on track I will fail and lose 100k of investor money and the past 3 years of my life and all of this strife... .  including rs w exBPD that i would not have fallen in to with a proper social support network (through a job or family) then i will add homelessness to my personal SOB story... .  

I think if i lost everything i would most likely stay homeless by choice... .  i just don't have the fight or motivation if I can't figure out a way to get back on track.

[Rose Tiger]

First step is recognizing things that need attention.  Then you can work on solutions.  Lock the door so no one can come in.  Walk out of the room when something is saying things you don't want to hear.  Start being fiercely protective of you, your boundaries, your space, your work.  Not aggressive, assertive.

I am also noticing things around the house that need attention.  At first it just annoyed me, depressed me, sucked the life out of me and felt overwhelmed.  Now when I notice something, I write it on the list.  You have to recognize something is wrong first before you can plan how to tackle it. 

[DogDancer]

Stoic, Rose Tiger, Seeking, and all,

Hi. I am tired, quite so, right now. Don't have the energy to add much right now other than to say thank you to you all. By being honest about your anger, irritation, outbursts, difficulties "moving the energy out" in the ways that would feel more appropriate, the bits about "why the f--- am I the one in the T's chair when I'm not the sick one," the rollercoaster recovery... .  yes, and you're helping me feel... .  not alone.

What we're experiencing is not an eNPDoint, a permanent (and unpleasant) destination. It's the road out. Told my T today that it feels like I've been running a nail file over my own CNS now for some time, and in some ways, I'm sick to death of submersing myself in all this. But... .  also... .  this: It's working. (Sigh.) So... .  I'm still all in on this process. Letting myself cry as I write this, another swell of grief (for the younger me who was not allowed to feel). Gonna read the boards some more, then sink into some good, deep, blissfully unBPDaware sleep, perchance to dream some regular, old nonBPD dreams.

Peace and some funny billboards along the road to healing,

DogDancer