Driving me crazy...

[wanttoknowmore]

She finally broke silent treatment after 7 days and now, giving very confusing mixed messages." I will not find a loving and caring person like you... but I need to move on" "You know too much about me... it scares me"

"I have to move on... but I will not be able to forget our friendship" and so on.

"It will take a while for me to find some one else but if I dont leave you... I wont be able to move on"

Sometimes she answers texts ,sometimes she doesnot . She doesn't answer phone. This is only since she got dysregulated about 12 days ago.

I am confused totally and going crazy. What is she trying to communicate?

There is no clarity. One sentence says I am good... next says she wants to move on. Please help me understand what's going on in her mind?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

We wish we could tell you what's going on in her mind, but really all we can do is guess.  At very least, she seems conflicted about the relationship.  How are you communicating?  Text message, phone, in-person, etc.?

If it's all been by text, it might make sense to talk to her in person, or at least by phone. 

Sorry you are going through such a tough time.  Silent treatments, followed by mixed messages about ending the relationship--that's a tough 1-2 punch. 

Have you had a chance to read the Lessons here?  Lesson 1 is devoted to "Understanding your partner's behaviors" which might help you out.   

[wanttoknowmore]

Thyanks Briefcase,

She has not been picking up phone. She only communicates with texts  and very erratically. Praising me at the same time wanting to move on... what is the truth here? What does she really want? Should I just stay silent and wait more?

[arabella]

I don't really have any advice but, if it's any consolation, this is exactly what happened to me recently. He dysregulated, went silent, then came back with the conflicted statements about me and our r/s. He's since stabilized (for the most part, not entirely) and is willing to work on our r/s again. On good days. On bad days he's back to it being hopeless and needing to leave. It's very draining.

So, on that note... .  How are you holding up? Are you willing to wait and see? What do you want to do?

[laelle]

Maybe its because she feels damaged and no matter how bad she would want to fix things, she "knows" she would only mess them up again.

Abandoning you before you can abandon her.  All you can really do is tell her that you dont feel that way about her, that she is a huge benefit to your life.  If she has contacted you than she wants to engage, just give her the time to sort her head out, and validate her responses as simply as possible.

I'm not good for you, your better off without me... .  I know things have been tough for us recently hun, and I understand things can get a bit tangled.  I do not feel that I am better off without you, in fact I enjoy being with you. 

Let her come around to really whats bugging her slowly.  She is engaging, thats a good thing.  She wants to find the words to match her emotions and its difficult for her.

[wanttoknowmore]

I texted her to try to be supportive but she kept repeating a sentence in which I said you Ex might have been right about you not being normal. That was 2 weeks ago. Now, everytime I try to talk she just keeps repeating that.

She also,repeats''I am bad... kill me... .  just kill me ... kill me now... I am so tired of everything" I tried SET statements but to not  much benefit. I was getting angry myself and left saying "I give up"  I plan to not contact her now... but

its so difficult to see her suffering like this. I still love her and want to help.

I have very great memories from past with her and thats is keeping me stuck. I know what is bugging her. She has shared with me a lot in past. Her job stress and uncertainty, her childrens employement problems, her health issues, her FOO problems, her intense anger and hatred about her ExH ,

grief of mother's death 5 months ago and so on. I asked if she would like to have lunch at her favorite restourent. She snapped'" for what? so that you can call me bad, crazy and evil. I dont want to hear that because I already know" "Me and my children will always be failures" I really feel sad to see her this condition and feel totally helpless.

[Auspicious]

It is sad, but you don't have the power to fix it

Have you read our lessons about validation? Have you tried emotional validation when she does contact you?

E.g.

"Wow, you sound pretty upset. What's going on?"

"You must be really hurting to feel that way."


Her: "I have to move on... but I will not be able to forget our friendship"

You: "I'm sure it's a very hard choice to make. Whatever you decide, I will never forget our friendship either."

[coworkerfriend]

This disorder is so confusing, exhausting and overwhelming at times.

Then I try to take a step back and remember this is a disorder.  I can not change or fix it.

 Enduring it can be so overwhelming.

[wanttoknowmore]

Thank you everybody for your support and kindness.

I sent her a final text saying"I am not good for you at this time. I will not contact you in next two weeks.Its a temporary rough patch. I respect you and I love you. Hopefully, we will talk whenever you feel like.Please take care of yourself. " I feel so much relief. I agree I need to give her more space. She is in a dark place and my contact can make it worse. Thank you again,folks.

[benny2]

It is so very confusing and hard to understand. What I make of the whole "you know to much" thing is they work very hard trying to hide the fact that they are messed up inside that once you figure it out, its almost like they think they must hide from you. It could be the fact that they think you won't want them, or just the fact that you have unmasked them. I know mine could not stand the fact that he could not fool me. I also do not understand the way they can be one day and opposite the  next. Just a few days ago, I was the one, he wanted to make this work, he was thanking god that I stood by him and now hes saying maybe he wants me. What the hec? I think maybe at times when they are stressed, their feelings get out of control, and they come on real strong, but when the stress level goes down, so do their feelings. Not sure, just my observations having been through this so many times with him.