Knowing his goodness

[Foreverhopefull]

As I said last week, following a discussion between his therapist and I, I have changed my way of connecting to my husband... .  and the results right now are good.

I stopped asking how he's feeling, I now ask what he did during the day (or what he wants to do today if I'm at home). It's great, I don't hear " not good, depressed, ~ty, etc", so I don't get dragged into his black hole (I'm very fragile for this.My "caregiver" side being so prominent) and he has to take conscience of the things he did that can be seen as important to his recovery. He never thinks that anything he does is important, so the fact that he actually went out to help a neigbourg push his car out of the snow bank is progress for him, even if he had to run into the house when he had more than 3 people around him, doesn't register as being good (he usually runs into the house when someone is outside within his view and has major anxiety attacks). It also helps him take charge of something. If he's planning our day, then it's his responsibility to make arrangements or other stuff like that to make sure it happens.

I also thank him for his efforts, even if the plans fall apart. I make sure to let him know I value his effort. This way, he doesn't always fail, he knows that this is also progress.

This weekend was great, he was able to go shopping with me in 2 Walmart too... .  . We had tons of errands to run, he did them sober, never had an anxiety attack because he talked to me (if he felt it coming he would "retreat" to a calmer area of the store or a place he can concentrate on other things (like video games) get back into a calmer mode, then return to the errands), he even kept reminding himself that he could get through it. We also had appointments with our physician, the last one he had didn't go well at all, but this time, she was laughing with him as he left her office. He even asked if we could go shopping before going home. He really wanted a DVD that we couldn't find during our other errands. He was shocked though, when I thanked him for a nice weekend. He didn't expect it. Guess I forgot to thank him allot in the past few months.

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[Joseph54]

I really like your post.

It is very encouraging, I fail often at times to be positive and encouraging to my wife.

When I get frustrated with her behavior at times, I remind her of the past problems we have had.

It always ends up bad. I need to be thankful for the progress she is making, and not be afraid of the problems of the past.

Joe

[AnitaL]

Thanks for sharing this.  I think both points you make can be very helpful in sustaining a positive relationship. I too have realized how long I can go without providing any positive feedback and have tried to be more proactive about thanking my uBPDh and stressing the positive. Oh, and not asking about how he feels is a big one, because there is never a good outcome to that question.  I find it's much better generally to ask specific questions like how did he do with the new project he's working on, etc.   Things could be better right now in my relationship, but in general these ideas have helped me a great deal too.

[an0ught]

Sounds like your H is now more leaning on the T to navigate the confusing emotions. Being less intimately involved in every emotional detail we usually are is after all normal. Scaling back the focus on emotional caring for him and rebuilding the relationship with a little more respectful distance seems a timely strategy