BPD Spouse & I smooth sailing until BPD/Narcissistic Mother in Law surfaces again.

[krista8521]

Well my BPD Spouse and I have made great strides in our marriage with the help of therapy.

Our marriage has improved greatly over the past 9 months, and then along comes MIL with her drive to destroy our family again.

MIL is a Narcissist & BPD. she had caused non stop trouble in our marriage from day one or 20 plus years.

We separated a year ago for a few month's, debating either divorce or hard work on our marriage.

During those months, MIL who has spent years trying to get us divorced (like all of her children) really moved in for the kill during this time.

She pecked at him daily to just completely walk away from his marriage and children then move in with her.

When he told her he was moving back home and going to counseling, her first reaction was to pretend she didn't hear that. I mean she called him daily with apartment listings, offering to pay for a divorce, showing up at his work ever day,giving him money etc...

When my Husband firmly told her, we are not divorcing she then tried pity, "she is so sick and needs him", crying uncontrollably, convincing him I was cheating etc...

She called our home one day and really pushed my Husband over the top and he blew up and told her off, like into the next year tell off and hung up on her.

Within hours the Sheriff was at our door, I was accused of abusing my disabled dogs. Then she sent her dangerous schizophrenic son into my husbands work under the guise of shopping and he went on to announce he was my Husbands older brother, told his boss and other co-workers that my husband is a bald worthless loser and by the way he said one of my husbands co workers was HIV (no truth) and walked out.

Our therapist told us to not contact her and ignore her stupid games, he believed she would go away.

We have had no contact with her since the beginning of this, since then she has moved her abusive,alcoholic, half dead daughter into a home a few doors down.

She started driving by calling my husband,we ignore her, then the phone calls from the sister, drunken bible quotes at 3am on our answering machine, psycho emails stamped at 4-5am, she would call and just rage on our machine drunk bringing up garbage from 10 years ago, we ignored all of it and she faded out for awhile. Then MIL started the blocked/anonymous hang up calls, sending pictures of our kids defaced with no return address.MIL started harassing anonymously our neighbor because he is a registered sex offender, and the kicker is she sends holiday cards to my home and husbands work signed her dog. really?

10 days ago my car engine started on fire and it got out of hand,the local paper had put a picture and small article about it in the paper, days later MIL sends a copy of the picture in a envelope with no return address and wrote hahahahaha too bad! it's her writing, her stationary but not signed.

It's apparent she is not going away, next step considered is a cease and desist but I am afraid it will turn into a complete rage/attack on my family instead.

Everything she does is set up to either be able to deny it, or innocently explain it away or blame someone else.

What would you do? our counselor said look at it as blips on a radar, let it bleep and then flat line, if you react you will keep it bleeping, but she is 80 and getting more and more irrational by the month.

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[united for now]

She is looking for a response.

Giving her one rewards her and will give her the drive to keep harrassing you.

Think of a slot machine, where you pull the handle and lose. You keep putting money in and pulling the handle with the hope that soon you will get your pay off. Once you win, it gives you the incentive to keep trying.

Your MIL will take any sign of winning as incentive to keep at her games.

As tough as it is, ignoring her is the best way to stop it... .  sooner or later she will tire of her games. You just need to be the strong one to hang on till she does... .  

[Mischeevious]

I really feel for you, I have had issues from the start with MIL and I'm starting to wonder if she has some sort of personality disorder after reading your story. United for now is right ignoring is the best thing you can do, since I have little contact with MIL, not even answering the phone to her she leaves me alone (I used to get all sorts of ridiculous lies told about me to anyone who'd listen) now nothing. Unfortunately I seem to be the only one who sees the back stabbing, stirring, manipulating and emotional blackmail that comes from this woman, my husband is in complete denial and worships the ground she walks on, jumps when she says jump etc  as do all but one of her children. It's interesting the references you made to the sister and schizophrenic son getting involved, it seems they are under her spell like in my husbands family and I guess they give her the encouragement she needs.

Quote: everything she does is set up to to either deny it ,or innocently explain it away or blame someone else

this mirrors my MIL and has made me think is this partly to do with why my h is uBPD (w/NPD traits).

I hope you and your husband can keep working it out and be happy together a united front is the best way to give her the message she will not win. Good luck, be strong

[yeeter]

I was told something once by a BPD that was a little different context, but might apply here.  Basically it is:

She wants attention.  She doesn't really care whether it positive attention or negative attention.  (of course it's easier for her to stimulate the negative... ).  If you give her your attention and emotional energy, it will be rewarding her for her behavior.

Become a vacuum with no response (either direct or indirect).   If the calls and harassment build, then maybe consider calling authorities.  (and I might save the various pieces of evidence so you have an historical log should it come to that).  But most likely she will find some new way/target to get attention for herself.

(and consider what it took for your husband to maintain his/your boundaries - great for him!  Be sure to tell him it's appreciated and reinforce it!)

[Grey Kitty]

I think he is with you, but I want to clarify the situation: Is your husband as disturbed by his mother's behavior as you are?

At this point, I can't think of any better options than ignoring her, or getting a protective order to stop the harassment. Would your husband be on board with that option? Will he agree with you about when to do it?

[krista8521]

Thank you to all who took the time to read this and reply, I guess I thought that she would fade away by now. We have had ZERO contact with her, even down to greatly limiting communication with imediate family, so we need not worry about them giving her any information.

I thought she would have moved on, but when the contact hits as crazy as it sounds, it's like you can feel the rage as you handle the paper etc...

She must have thought it was me intiaiting no contact because she would call/mail stuff to his work, when he didnt respond she was now stuck with the realization her Son is choosing not to contact her.

How long do you think it will take for her to give up?

Our Doctor said he highly recomends moving at least 75 miles away, but we are not in any situation finiancialy to do this, and we have 3 kids in school that are established here. (boyfriends, foreign school trip next year, after school activities etc... )

My Husband has no desire to speak with her, see her etc... he said the thought of her makes him sick. But what I see happening is this unspoken tension.He does not like even talking about it, but you can see he is upset, angry, and we get short with each other.

He has anger still stemming from childhood with his mom.

I hope my doctor is right and like you suggest, never give her even a blink, dont feed her.

I noticed by letters that she know fights with us through her imagination, although we have had zip contact she refers to our thoughts, wich she just assumes we think or say and relates it like fact.

Example: "if she wants me out of your life, shes got it, lets see how she likes this"

I hadnt spoke to her for two years prior to this, how does she know what I think or feel? but she states it as if its a fact or reality.

How do you argue with someone who doesnt see or speak with you?

I wonder how long she can carry on like this and will she up her antics to get that response?