Her best friend reaches out with "she's not doing so well" message...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hanging out with my friends, doing some work late last night, I get a message on Facebook. It's her best friend. I immediately know they are together or she'll see the message later just by the tone of the initial message.

Here is our conversation, verbatim, sans her name... .  

Her best friend:DAN!

Me: Whats up



Her best friend:How are you?

Me: Good, you.[/color]

Her best friend:Amazing! So i have a weird question... .  can you tell me what happened between you and exBPD? i know it sounds weird but i always hear her side and never heard your side. id just like to know what really happened from both sides.

ive been trying to talk to her and be there for her lately but its hard when i dont know what really happened


Me: Umm there isn't really any sides, it's just what happened

Her best friend: but i really dont understand what happened*

Me: I don't either dude, haven't really given it a thought


Her best friend: well from what i understand you didnt want to be with her anymore

im trying to talk to her and kind of "counsel" with her. shes not doing so swell and I need to know what can and cant be done.


Me: Yeah, she kept pushing to get back together and I wasn't ready. I doubt I can tell you anything different.


Her best friend:but was there a reason for you to "not be ready"? like why did you keep her hidden?

Me: There was no trust, too many lies and bull~.

Her best friend: ok, understood. I just know she wants to talk to you, and I don't know whether to encourage it or not.

Me: I wouldn't dude, I'm just trying to move on and be happy.


Her best friend: Ok, so you wouldn't want to talk to her?

Me: For what? There is nothing to say and I really don't think it's healthy to keep coming back to it.

Her best friend:I just know how much she misses you, I'm just trying to find out whats best for her.

I don't want to try to start ~, I'm just trying to scope it all out. I know how happy you two could be when you were trying to be nice to each other

Me: Steer her into finding herself and being happy alone. It's not easy, but it can be done.


Her best friend: I know, but after shes been with one person for 5 years thats tough dan, you know that

Me: Yeah it's taken me a year to be able to say this and mean it.

Her best friend: I know, same here, but I know I still have my days.

I'm trying to figure it out to help her. I'm honestly worried about her. Mike and I are both concerned.

Cause that girl B (her other best friend, only friend) is a bad ~ing influence and I don't like her

Me: Yeah she's a %&$#@ to the tenth degree.


Her best friend: Yeah, thank god exBPD isn't being a whore like her, shes just drinking and doing a lot of ~ you know.

Me: I can't be in that anymore, it's toxic and I'm focusing on healing. I've been dealing with this since February dude. I don't know what else to say

Her best friend: yeah it's cool I was just scoping it all out dude!

Me: Alrighty

I'm pretty damn proud of myself for staying strong, but granted I'm hurting about it. Not sure why, I know she isn't good for me.

It's a very strange feeling, not sure if any of you have ever experienced this. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Dan

[DanHealing]

Hanging out with my friends, doing some work late last night, I get a message on Facebook. It's her best friend. I immediately know they are together or she'll see the message later just by the tone of the initial message.

Here is our conversation, verbatim, sans her name... .  

Her best friend:DAN!

Me: Whats up



Her best friend:How are you?

Me: Good, you.[/color]

Her best friend:Amazing! So i have a weird question... .  can you tell me what happened between you and exBPD? i know it sounds weird but i always hear her side and never heard your side. id just like to know what really happened from both sides.

ive been trying to talk to her and be there for her lately but its hard when i dont know what really happened


Me: Umm there isn't really any sides, it's just what happened

Her best friend: but i really dont understand what happened*

Me: I don't either dude, haven't really given it a thought


Her best friend: well from what i understand you didnt want to be with her anymore

im trying to talk to her and kind of "counsel" with her. shes not doing so swell and I need to know what can and cant be done.


Me: Yeah, she kept pushing to get back together and I wasn't ready. I doubt I can tell you anything different.


Her best friend:but was there a reason for you to "not be ready"? like why did you keep her hidden?

Me: There was no trust, too many lies and bull~.

Her best friend: ok, understood. I just know she wants to talk to you, and I don't know whether to encourage it or not.

Me: I wouldn't dude, I'm just trying to move on and be happy.


Her best friend: Ok, so you wouldn't want to talk to her?

Me: For what? There is nothing to say and I really don't think it's healthy to keep coming back to it.

Her best friend:I just know how much she misses you, I'm just trying to find out whats best for her.

I don't want to try to start ~, I'm just trying to scope it all out. I know how happy you two could be when you were trying to be nice to each other

Me: Steer her into finding herself and being happy alone. It's not easy, but it can be done.


Her best friend: I know, but after shes been with one person for 5 years thats tough dan, you know that

Me: Yeah it's taken me a year to be able to say this and mean it.

Her best friend: I know, same here, but I know I still have my days.

I'm trying to figure it out to help her. I'm honestly worried about her. Mike and I are both concerned.

Cause that girl B (her other best friend, only friend) is a bad ~ing influence and I don't like her

Me: Yeah she's a %&$#@ to the tenth degree.


Her best friend: Yeah, thank god exBPD isn't being a whore like her, shes just drinking and doing a lot of ~ you know.

Me: I can't be in that anymore, it's toxic and I'm focusing on healing. I've been dealing with this since February dude. I don't know what else to say

Her best friend: yeah it's cool I was just scoping it all out dude!

Me: Alrighty

I'm pretty damn proud of myself for staying strong, but granted I'm hurting about it. Not sure why, I know she isn't good for me.

It's a very strange feeling, not sure if any of you have ever experienced this. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Dan

[tryingtogetit]

I'd say you did pretty well!

You were engaged in the conversation, stood your ground, didn't go where you didn't want to, kept your cool.

Seems a great job.

But of course it's a strange feeling.

Perhaps like the feeling you get from a 'great' funeral?

[willy45]

Good for you man. That's awesome. Well done.

[mssomebodynice]

I will consider it a job well done if I can do as well.  Hang tough!

[Rose Tiger]

I can see the 'guilt' slipped in there... .  been with someone for five years.  :)on't you want her back, worried, misses you.

Great responses, I'm moving on, she's toxic.  Flat out stopped the guilt in it's tracks.  Good job.   It can feel weird to put ourselves first, to take good care of us.  Realizing when someone is bad for us and making sure we don't get sucked in is doing well. 

[BleedsOrange]

I bet the reason it hurt is because it made you remember stuff you didn't feel like remembering right? you said as much as far as why you didnt want to talk to her. You did great. No reason not to hurt when remembering hurt, right?

Again, you did great- simple, short, respectful, honest, still as caring as could be healthy for you and truthful of what you wouldnt talk about. Chalk that up as a win. 

[Changed4safety]

What a great response!  Well done!

[mitchell16]

Great response. I hope I can stand that strong if my times comes around again. But its funny how the tricks can be the same from person to person. Mine used the friend trick about two recycles ago. I think the friend was muniplated by her and I believe the he was sincere when her called to check on me and then tell me how bad she was doing. I fell for it. but thinking back she used this trick a couple of times with diffrent friends and I fell for each time. LOL.

[myself]

Funny how when they leave it's as if they're never going to be looking back, and how that hurts us to be seeing that, but then so many of them continue looking back (even using other eyes to do so, as in the situations here). Keeping us looking backwards, too, if we let it. Good for you for seeing through this stuff and moving forwards.

[whatarideout]

It's a very strange feeling, not sure if any of you have ever experienced this.

this was her attempt of forming a drama triangle and hoping you would be a willing participant.

right now, she is suffering from abandonment depression and needs two people to play a game in order for her to make sense of her anxiety and maintain the chaos that feeds the disorder.

it requires a rescuer(best friend) and someone to blame(you). because she constantly plays the victim, she needs the two of you involved to complete the forming of the triangle. this way, she doesn't have to take responsibility for what happened and has someone to back her up with support while blaming the other person.

the best friend is being fed a victim story from your ex with her hands in the air acting like she has no idea why you would do such a thing(abandon her). because the friend has "rescuing" tendencies(this is why she's friends with him by the way. she uses him), he contacted you hoping you would act in some form of negative way to prove her right so that she has a good reason to blame you. he doesn't care about your side of the story. he only cares about proving your ex right.

she was banking on you to take the bait and complete the triangle. the friend now has no ammunition to use against you to back up her story.

you responded very well. but this is only the beginning. she needs someone to blame and will raise the stakes in order to get a reaction from you to confirm her position as a victim.

remember, any reaction to her or the friend is a completion to the triangle. regardless of what you say, you're still playing her game. and that's all she needs to continue her path.

nc is the only way to end the games. with both your ex and her friend.

you can't get a reaction out of someone that doesn't react. 

[DanHealing]

Thank you guys and gals, the encouragement really helped me through the couple of days after the fact. To be honest, I didn't even give it a second thought. Those words just came out and I felt like I meant every one of them.

So many good lessons to be had in this thread, thank you so much for posting and encouraging.

I'm sure she isn't done trying to get me back, I guess I'll be ready.

I love you all,

Dan

[briefcase]

I think you did fine.  Since you think there might be further attempts like this, you might want to consider a stock response so there is less back and forth next time, and less chance of getting drawn in to a conversation you don't want.  Something like this (but in whatever words you think are best):

"I'm really glad X has you as a friend to support her.  Please understand that I have moved on from this relationship and have nothing else to say about it.  Goodbye."

. . . and then stop talking (or typing).  You can use the "broken record" technique and just repeat this, and nothing else, each time someone approaches you wanting to talk about this relationship.

Of course, you can always just not respond to emails, messages, etc.

[DanHealing]

Well it's happening again, but this time I wasn't as strong. Her friend texted me for a few days and here I am, trying not to hit the send button.

Why are we so weak? It's pathetic. I feel like I need her in my life even though I hate her for all the horrible betrayals and abuse. The conundrum is endless.

My 25th birthday was last Saturday... .  I feel defeated for even being in this thought pattern.

[mssngpeces]

Dan,

I know exactly how you feel. It has been over a month since I have had contact with my exBPD and everyday is a struggle not to send some kind of text or email or something. It is much a matter of our addiction to their love which is a lie as it is their disorder. Dealing with addiction is hard and in this case the temptation is much less tangible and very much inside our own head. Try and resist hitting send for as long as possible. Distract yourself. Those feelings will pass. It might take a day or 2 but they will and you will feel strong again. Just remind yourself of how this person hurt you and the games they are playing. They DO NOT truly care about you. Otherwise things would have been a lot different.

[krista8521]

@whatarideout nailed it!

you know your ex was sitting right next to her friend or had direct text pipeline of the conversation.

Thats exactly what ex did, played victim to 3rd party and set them up to contact you.

You handled it perfectly, gave no real insight yet stayed firm without being rude.

good job!

The ex looks desperate.