Newbie question- Is this site healthy for us?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just ask this question due to feeling almost overwhelmed by all the information and reminders of my now exBPDGF. Mind you, I'm not hitting on 8 cylinders right now. I have terrible insomnia, anxiety, depression and am having to take more benzo's than Id like. Some of this pain is also driven by losing my job of 15 years a month ago...

It seems to be that continually reading and writing about our ex or other peoples experiences with their BPD ex only keeps the pain on the forefront of our minds vs. trying to learn what we can from the experience and move forward. Don't get me wrong, I'm hurting right now as well and need to vent about it to get it off my chest. I just wonder if it's healthy to be on this board 3-6-9 months later still heavily discussing the ex, noting how long theres been NC and still wishing for reconciliation with there ex that they know are not right for them. I do not mean to offend anyone with these questions.

As I look forward, I'm very hopefully that this fresh hurt and pain from realizing my ex has this disorder and did some terrible things to me will subside in a few weeks and allow me to move on and start dating again.  I just can not see how sitting around for months, going over and over this failed relationship would be healthy for me. I know everyone is different and heals at different speeds as well. Hell, my ex is already online again on a dating site.

Thoughts?

[freshstart48]

I just ask this question due to feeling almost overwhelmed by all the information and reminders of my now exBPDGF. Mind you, I'm not hitting on 8 cylinders right now. I have terrible insomnia, anxiety, depression and am having to take more benzo's than Id like. Some of this pain is also driven by losing my job of 15 years a month ago...

It seems to be that continually reading and writing about our ex or other peoples experiences with their BPD ex only keeps the pain on the forefront of our minds vs. trying to learn what we can from the experience and move forward. Don't get me wrong, I'm hurting right now as well and need to vent about it to get it off my chest. I just wonder if it's healthy to be on this board 3-6-9 months later still heavily discussing the ex, noting how long theres been NC and still wishing for reconciliation with there ex that they know are not right for them. I do not mean to offend anyone with these questions.

As I look forward, I'm very hopefully that this fresh hurt and pain from realizing my ex has this disorder and did some terrible things to me will subside in a few weeks and allow me to move on and start dating again.  I just can not see how sitting around for months, going over and over this failed relationship would be healthy for me. I know everyone is different and heals at different speeds as well. Hell, my ex is already online again on a dating site.

Thoughts?

[Want2know]

I know everyone is different and heals at different speeds as well. 

You hit the nail on the head with this statement.

These boards are for those who want and need the support, and find the Lessons and tools here useful.  If there comes a time where some feel it's no longer helping, they take a break, or continue on their own.  That happens often... . some come back, and some don't.

[mango_flower]

This board got me through some of the darkest times, where I'd get in from work, sit there shaking, overwhelmed, fearful, with tears rolling down my face.  I'm not sure if it's "healthy" but it was a life saver at that point.

I think once you start to feel better again and start "living", if you were to keep coming back and spending AS much time here, then it wouldn't be healthy.

But just go with what works.

I am not around as much the last few days, but I like to check in.

I'm just taking it day at a time.

I do know what you mean though, it might stop you moving forward if all you're doing is dwelling on it?  It didn't have that affect on me, so I guess it's different for everyone xxx

[BlushAndBashful]

We all heal at different rates and speeds, and most of us are here because of the severe trauma that was inflicted on us.  We have many other pains to work through besides just the ending of a r/s.

In a normal breakup, I would say there is a timeframe to mourn and then move on. Anything longer than X number of weeks/months may be unhealthy. But when a r/s with a pwBPD ends, there is still a huge amount of unresolved trauma that might take years to work through- adultery/infidelity, physical abuse, deceit, losing life savings, bankruptcy, alienating friends and family... . it takes a lot to rebuild our lives.

I've been out 18 months and (obviously) I still visit the boards. It was my lifeline for maybe the first 6-9 months and I was here 10 times a day.  Now I only post every couple of days.

I think there comes a point when we recognize that visiting the boards and reading about BPD is triggering us, which is unhealthy. That's when we make the choice to step back for a while until we are in a better place- then we can come back and work on our healing more.

[freshstart48]

Thanks for the replies so far...

It just scares me to think I could possibly still be suffering so much 3 plus months down the line that I haven't started to move on and date others. I know for me to get over this, I have to practice NC 100%! As I've mentioned before, I've blocked everything from her contacting me other than leaving a note on my door or coming over here. If she calls or texts me she get a message that she's blocked (Thanks Spring). Its so raw right now. I couldn't believe the pain I felt when I saw that she joined up on dating site not a week after she picked a stupid argument to push me away. Man, that hurt seeing her smiling face on that dating site.

It's makes me feel very weak and mentally pathetic that I've let her get me this upset which is causing all my mental and physical symptoms. I should be a veteran of this and have thicker skin since this is the 3-4 time she's broken up with me. Why are others so mentally healthy that they are able to shake off a failed relationship without causing so much trauma.

[Want2know]

Why are others so mentally healthy that they are able to shake off a failed relationship without causing so much trauma.

This is a very subjective statement.  How do you know they are mentally healthy?  Because they are no longer here?  Because they seem to ignore the pain, and not let it bother them?  There could be a variety of reasons for why some 'seem' mentally healthy... . denial, not wanting to 'do the work'. 

Just throwing that out there for consideration... .

[MaybeSo]

Feeling completely unattached and over a significant other in under 3 months... . And being ready that quick to date... . doesn't necessarily indicate emotional health.

Humans grieve a loss. Grief is normal. Many folks report it takes a year to get over an important relationship, many suggest not dating for a year is healthier than jumping into a bunch of rebound dating activity to self medicate and numb themselves from the experience of normal human loss. That kind of dating is akin to using others like a drug.

It's OKAY to feel something like sadness after a loss!

When we have enough venting, the Personal Inventory turns the focus back on our own lives, growth and goals for the future.

[freshstart48]

Feeling completely unattached and over a significant other in under 3 months... . And being ready that quick to date... . doesn't necessarily indicate emotional health.

Humans grieve a loss. Grief is normal. Many folks report it takes a year to get over an important relationship, many suggest not dating for a year is healthier than jumping into a bunch of rebound dating activity to self medicate and numb themselves from the experience of normal human loss. That kind of dating is akin to using others like a drug.

It's OKAY to feel something like sadness after a loss!

When we have enough venting, the Personal Inventory turns the focus back on our own lives, growth and goals for the future.

I guess I'm just really hurting right now. This last month, my now ex-BPD-gf and I were on the right track I thought. We were in therapy (though hadn't gone together yet), were communicating much better, lots of love letters, cards. I was getting daily love notes, texts and emails. I took care of her and helped her kids while she was off her feet following surgery. Everything was fine till she picked a silly fight and pushed me away again despite promising me she wouldn't. Several days later, she up and active on a dating site with the world in front of her while I'm hurting, suffering anxiety and insomnia and trying to get through the day... That's why i asked how some (including the BPO's) can be so strong to just suppress their emotions and feelings and simply start dating again like nothing happened... .

[real lady]

It seems to be that continually reading and writing about our ex or other peoples experiences with their BPD ex only keeps the pain on the forefront of our minds vs. trying to learn what we can from the experience and move forward. Don't get me wrong, I'm hurting right now as well and need to vent about it to get it off my chest. I just wonder if it's healthy to be on this board 3-6-9 months later still heavily discussing the ex, noting how long theres been NC and still wishing for reconciliation with there ex that they know are not right for them. I do not mean to offend anyone with these questions.

Hi freshstart48; I am so sorry to hear about your job and the adapting that you are finding yourself HAVING to do regarding it (just before my BPD nightmare became reality for me, I had just lost my mother to cancer, then I turned 50 and then my dad passed, ugh... . it's hard, especially when we have loss upon loss upon loss... . so I understand) I would say that everyone HEALS at different rates and UNTIL WE HEAL, I think that it is best to vent and work through how we feel about having had a relationship with a pwBPD. I know when I leave, I will continue to remain on the board, learning about MYSELF and not talking so much about him but about WHAT I LEARNED and how I am MORE AWARE of BPD and how persons who are mentally ill really look like "a dream come true".

As I look forward, I'm very hopefully that this fresh hurt and pain from realizing my ex has this disorder and did some terrible things to me will subside in a few weeks and allow me to move on and start dating again.

 I hope that you will be ready when you want to be ready. Remember, pwBPD like to RUSH relationships... . don't be in a hurry or feel pushed by anyone. Take good care of you.

I just can not see how sitting around for months, going over and over this failed relationship would be healthy for me.

Going over and over what YOU have learned from it; how you have grown from it and how you will recognize the   the next time is really worth the time that you will be investing in yourself.

I know everyone is different and heals at different speeds as well. Hell, my ex is already online again on a dating site.

Of course, pwBPD don't believe that they have any problems. Their problems were ALL our fault don't you remember? ... . They just move on to the next sucker/victim and YOU heal and actually LIVE. 

How are YOU feeling about you these days? 

[freshstart48]

Thank you for your reply lady. To your question-

I'm feeling scared about me right now. All this stress is causing terrible anxiety and insomnia which prevents me from doing the things I need to be doing like looking for another job, get out of the house more, thinking more rationally about the future, etc... I'm basically having a big fat pity party for myself.

I'm also consumed with the utter dis-belief that my ex, knowing all the stress i was going thru with the job loss and after I took care of her for two weeks following the surgery, kicked me to the curb in such a cold hearted way. There's no way that a normal, compassionate woman would ever do that to a guy who was great to her and her children.

[Mike_confused]

Who can say what is healthy.   This sire HAS to be healthier than the time I spent with my ex-uBPD wife.  If I had stayed with her I believe my health would have gone down hill.   

[real lady]

Thank you for your reply lady. To your question-

I'm feeling scared about me right now. All this stress is causing terrible anxiety and insomnia which prevents me from doing the things I need to be doing like looking for another job, get out of the house more, thinking more rationally about the future, etc... I'm basically having a big fat pity party for myself.

Do you have family and support? Have you considered talking through it though some mental health counseling? What you have gone through is AN HIGH CONFLICT, HIGH DRAMA, HIGH STRESS relationship and it is NORMAL to feel exhausted and even have a "pity party"... . SEEK some support that will make this time productive and successful for you.

I'm also consumed with the utter dis-belief that my ex, knowing all the stress i was going thru with the job loss and after I took care of her for two weeks following the surgery, kicked me to the curb in such a cold hearted way.

I understand. My "true love" has betrayed, lied, "told me to get the F out of his house", broken promises... . I find it impossible to think of him in the "wonderful" ways that I did. He is MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ILL and the sooner that we stop expecting a mentally ill person to ACT NORMALLY, the better WE will be. I think that the "cold heartedness" is the reaction to THEIR FEELING of abandonment by us, even if they are the one who is "kicking us to the curb"... . WICKED disease. Working on yourself is all that YOU CAN DO and need to do right now.

There's no way that a normal, compassionate woman would ever do that to a guy who was great to her and her children.

THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT... . NO NORMAL, COMPASSIONATE WOMAN would EVER do that to you but she is BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDERED... . mentally and emotionally ILL or she would NOT have been able to treat you like that.

This site HAS to be healthier than the time I spent with my ex-uBPD wife.  If I had stayed with her I believe my health would have gone down hill. 

I guess we have to LEARN TO DEFINE HEALTHY in our lives after having a BPD relationship with a mentally ill person. I KNOW that I am healthier by being able to talk about it freely, here, to and with others who understand what I experience daily. I know that my life, no matter what, WILL BE HEALTHIER once I NO LONGER LIVE with my uBPDso. I will have to adapt, again, to not having him in my life. I know that my health has suffered in the past year and am working on it. Overall, I think that working through our issues and FOCUSING ON WHAT WE NEED NOW is the healthiest way to use this site once we "have left" our pwBPD.