Help: If I leave... Do I say anything?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Been piling up a list of things to do in order to leave, its a bit long... .  But need to do it and checking them off bc If I go I wont be able to cm back to my business or this country. Ill have to go live in another country and rebuild it all, but will be closer to family.

My hsbd cheated again, now onto hookers/prostitutes... UdxBPD. Do I confront him to say Im leaving or just vanish and leave?

Please help!

[whereisthezen]

Been piling up a list of things to do in order to leave, its a bit long... .  But need to do it and checking them off bc If I go I wont be able to cm back to my business or this country. Ill have to go live in another country and rebuild it all, but will be closer to family.

My hsbd cheated again, now onto hookers/prostitutes... UdxBPD. Do I confront him to say Im leaving or just vanish and leave?

Please help!

[laelle]

 :'( I know this must be so difficult for you.   

If you are no longer trying to work on the relationship and have set your mind to and are making plans to leave, there is better reason to say nothing than to say something.  Leave him to himself.  Take care of you.  He is no longer your problem to deal with and you sure cant fix him.

[sad but wiser]

Well, if he knows that you know about the affairs, he should be able to figure out why you left all on his own.  You don't need STDs either!  It is good to be closer to family if they can be a support system while you are healing up.  If you have been isolated, you need other contacts. 

[whereisthezen]

I don't want to leave him but I want to leave the BPD or at least openly discuss what issues are surfacing and that I am understanding of any illness however the risky behavior and lying/ story telling/ fabricating are the problem.

I think he feels that I am moody since I found out which he doesnt know I did dont think he can comprehend that its because of his behaviors, ive been trying to manage any emotion so he cannot tell somethings up so at most I think he thinks Im moody or btchy bc I am not my usual upbeat self. Hard to copy natural happiness right now, really hard to focus on anything.

I feel a bit hollow and confused.

[sad but wiser]

Yeah, that is grief.  It leaves you hollow and confused.  I understand that love him, hate the BPD thing, but you can't have one without the other.  If he were in treatment, you might be able to say that he could have a reasonable relationship in about 10 years.  Untreated, BPD seems to accelerate. This is the proverbial rock and a hard place that you are in between.

[whereisthezen]

Laelle,

My mind knows its a bad situation and could get worse, however I am also in disbelief that we are moving fwd with huge items in our life on positive yet he loves separately so negatively that it will destroy it all. Lack of empathy is definitely huge. I dont think he has seen reality in a long time. Scary to be with him at these times its a tidal wave knowing he hides this all. I wish it were open on the table, like show me who you really are and let me/us decide.

Sadbutwiser- I wish we could all have coffee now, a bit of peace amomg nonBPD "friends". Lonely feeling finding out your mate is 2, 3, or 4 people in one.

[sad but wiser]

Very lonely admitting that you've been alone. Sort of.  When you aren't being blamed.  Or cheated on.  Do you know why I post late at night?  One time I called an emergency crisis hotline and no one was there.  Then I called another one, and no one was there.  There wasn't anyone there.  If I had been really badly off, I probably would have seen this as some weird confirmation and killed myself.  Fortunately, I was just very highly distressed, not quite suicidal.

We are here.

[laelle]

Unfortunately they tend to build up and then destroy everything in their path. Everything that meant anything to them.  Its what they do.  They cant help it.

This is their future... .  but it doesnt have to be yours.

[whereisthezen]

I feel fortunate to have found you all, its like a big hug or blanket, safety or care I think.

My mind can't seem to focus 100% right now. Is that normal when chaos hits?

[sad but wiser]

Difficulty focusing is very normal.  You are in a trauma situation and the brain reacts the same way that it does to an injury. (I actually got that little fact from a specialist in traumatic brain injury - but that is another story.)  Anyway, just make sure you are eating properly, no junk food binges or fasting allowed.  You need good nutrition.  Also, make lists to break down complicated tasks.  Journals are good for getting emotions out, but only if you have somewhere quite private to keep them.  Hang in there. 

[laidee]

Hi there. First off 

So sorry you are going thru this. I can only imagine how hard it is to leave someone you loved. When things are good... . they're good. But his behavior is putting you at risk and it's best to care for yourself. As for telling him. If you think you can without a confrontation, then do. But if not, might be best to wait until you're gone. Any self-destructive behavior he does as a result will be on him. Good luck!

[whereisthezen]

Gave him evidence. Denied it was him and well unless cows fly, he'sin denial, lying, and you know. Was mad at me for inquiring. Decision time nearing. Nothing in this r/s as far as communicating open and honestly is normal. He denied, lied, got defensive, angry, left... .

Just think if anyone asked me Id say no of course not. I wouldnt get angry or leave. Id answer the question and talk about it until the question was resolved. Isnt it the healthiest way to be?

[waverider]

The loneliest place of all can be in a dysfunctional RS, as the hope for tomorrow is also diminished.

Being alone and lonely are not one and the same thing. The former can be a choice, the latter is a need not being met.


You will not change him by confrontation, you need to decide what you want as a minimum end result before attempting anything or the doubt and confusion will continue, it will just merely shift focus and become more confusing

[sad but wiser]

whereisthezen - These boards are a life saver.  You have many other people to talk with who understand what you are going through.  For me, this helps meet those emotional needs to some degree.  It is funny how much mileage we can get from just a little kindness, isn't it?

[DragoN]

Gave him evidence. Denied it was him and well unless cows fly, he'sin denial, lying, and you know. Was mad at me for inquiring. Decision time nearing. Nothing in this r/s as far as communicating open and honestly is normal. He denied, lied, got defensive, angry, left... .

Par for the course. But you managed to escape the rage and the projections.

None of this is easy. 

My hsbd cheated again, now onto hookers/prostitutes... UdxBPD. Do I confront him to say Im leaving or just vanish and leave?

This is a question of your boundaries. For me, it's a deal breaker. You have evidence, it's up to you what you decide to do.

I lean on the vanish and leave the evidence of his actions behind for him to ponder.

[Surnia]

Do I confront him to say Im leaving or just vanish and leave?

Its hard to come to a decision. 

Should you decide for leaving, I would tell him given that you are safe doing so. A clear I statement. I cannot anymore... . No defending, no arguing. Sometimes its very important to express the own reality.