complusive lying at end

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Each day I grow stronger and stronger as I continue to detach  ... . but here is my question of the day.  My STBexw I always thought was an honest person ... . but at the end of our marriage she would constantly lie (even when confronted with the truth) ... . she would lie to me, my daughters councilor, other people ... . directly to her face.  When I would confront her with this lies she would always say I have been honest with you - No! even when caught she would lie - and then, if then, she would be somewhat honest.

[cal644]

Each day I grow stronger and stronger as I continue to detach  ... . but here is my question of the day.  My STBexw I always thought was an honest person ... . but at the end of our marriage she would constantly lie (even when confronted with the truth) ... . she would lie to me, my daughters councilor, other people ... . directly to her face.  When I would confront her with this lies she would always say I have been honest with you - No! even when caught she would lie - and then, if then, she would be somewhat honest.

[VeryFree]

Same overhere:

My stbxBPDw has stated literally 100's of times, that she nevers lies and never has.

Even when I had the prove right in front of her she wouldn't admit.

At first it were litle lies, just so she looked better.

At last it were big lies, among them false accusations, to harras me, but also to make me look bad (and so make her look better!).

[Mightyhammers]

Same overhere:

My stbxBPDw has stated literally 100's of times, that she nevers lies and never has.

Yep same – she also stated to me that she has never cheated and never will, I will find it extremely hard to prove otherwise but in hindsight I have my doubts

[momtara]

Mine lied all thru our marriage about stuff.  I could even disprove some of the lies with an email, and he'd say, 'no, that email is about a different situation.' He finally has been admitting to the lies because he is in therapy and we're separated and he wants to get back together. It's a defense mechanism. They know they're doing it. Sometimes trying to prove it won't really have the result we're looking for, but yu can always try.

[DragoN]

Veryscared,

Same deal here. However, to be fair, at what point was I lying to myself? Choosing to believe what couldn't be fact, overlooking the obvious? Peace keeping in a twisted sort of way.

If you ask them to tell the truth, they will lie. So, it's pretty pointless.

[VeryFree]

Hi Satis,

Interesting point. It’s quite clear we have been lying against ourselves at a certain point. Well, that is if ‘hoping’ is lying.

I know I have, but I’m still not sure wether I knew it back then (back then is two months ago, so the insights are quite fresh). 

Of course I knew things weren’t normal, things weren’t good for the last nine years. But I had hope that it would become better if…(fill in all the things we all tried). Maybe thats lying, maybe it’s just being naive, maybe it’s just being very stupid, maybe it’s…

Core is: there is a reason why we did this. Try to find the reason and be sure to do not do that again!

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, when he had his breakdown, and basically reverted to a 5 year old permenantly, he lied nonstop, even when confronted with reality and witnesses and documentation. It was the most bizarre thing I have seen. It was the beginning of the end, and he just did not get it.

I will never be able to wrap my head around this.

[WalrusGumboot]

My ex was adamant she never lied and stated how much she hated lying. I never really doubted her word for most of the 23 years of marriage until the end. I started finding all kind of inconsistencies. After the divorce, when all the truth came out, I was amazed how blind I was to believe everything she said. What confounded me the most was how much she lied to herself during that whole time. It's like the marriage was one big farce.

[imstronghere2]

My ex was adamant she never lied and stated how much she hated lying. I never really doubted her word for most of the 23 years of marriage until the end. I started finding all kind of inconsistencies. After the divorce, when all the truth came out, I was amazed how blind I was to believe everything she said. What confounded me the most was how much she lied to herself during that whole time. It's like the marriage was one big farce.

Oh man, that's my experience exactly.  As has been said before, the similarities are just downright spooky.

[Mightyhammers]

Me ex has a tag line on her FB page, something like she ‘absolutely hates liars with a passion’ iirc

I mean I cant be absolutely sure I haven’t been lied to, but looking back on some things they just don’t add up

[Vindi]

mine lies alot too... . in the beginning he always said he never lied, clearly kept pushing the "i don't lie"... . now in hindsight, i see more

lies, i catch him in lies, and yes, he lies alot... . this may be a common trait for people w/BPD on not being "real/honest". You are not alone!

[DragoN]

Interesting point. It’s quite clear we have been lying against ourselves at a certain point. Well, that is if ‘hoping’ is lying.

I know I have, but I’m still not sure wether I knew it back then (back then is two months ago, so the insights are quite fresh).

Of course I knew things weren’t normal, things weren’t good for the last nine years. But I had hope that it would become better if…(fill in all the things we all tried). Maybe thats lying, maybe it’s just being naive, maybe it’s just being very stupid, maybe it’s…

Core is: there is a reason why we did this. Try to find the reason and be sure to do not do that again!

Veryscared

Agree with you. Hoping is lying when in a relationship with a severely disordered person. If they are not in therapy, it will have no help of becoming a relationship worth maintaining. I am not equipped to handle a raging emotional toddler with vicious out of control tendencies. Not my job.

And you're right about the reason. I know my reasons, unpleasant as they may be. They are mine. 

With respect to the Lying: How much of what was ever said was True? I cannot even know that. It's really cruel. Too many lies to cover up, lies in the face of the evidence, it's not rational to deal with. At what point does it all not essentially all become one big lie and a total farce?

Over 10 years, no kids. Not in that dysfunction would I allow it. Hope? Lost hope. Now, simply, look at the actions and hear the words. They don't often align, extremely rarely at any rate. But along the way, I lost respect for my partner. Not because of the BPD, but because even when knowing it was the cause, refused to do anything about it, after promising to do so.

"You're the one that's sick!" And in a horrible way, it was true. Seriously? Why would any one of us ever put up with that sort nonsense? I'm not sick anymore. At least I don't think so, and now will I allow my capacity for compassion be used against me.

[Discarded26]

Yep, was he was the most HONEST PERSON EVER 

But actually found out lie after lie... . ranging from small lies to bigger

Sure there was more, but abandoned me before I found out anymore lies

[Dave44]

Without egsaturating for the short intense 4 month relationship I had with my ex with the exception of her name, her age and what she did for a living absolutely everything else was a lie... . seriously. For me, this has been probably the hardest thing to accept. It's completely mind boggling to look back and realize the amount of times she lied right to my face with a smile on hers. Very very hurtful.

I can't speak for you guys but the ironic thing is in my ex's case at 37 years old she has no choice but TO lie about her past. It's sad really.

[Mightyhammers]

Without egsaturating for the short intense 4 month relationship I had with my ex with the exception of her name, her age and what she did for a living absolutely everything else was a lie... . seriously. For me, this has been probably the hardest thing to accept. It's completely mind boggling to look back and realize the amount of times she lied right to my face with a smile on hers. Very very hurtful.

I can't speak for you guys but the ironic thing is in my ex's case at 37 years old she has no choice but TO lie about her past. It's sad really.

what did she lie about, out of interest?

[Dave44]

Without egsaturating for the short intense 4 month relationship I had with my ex with the exception of her name, her age and what she did for a living absolutely everything else was a lie... . seriously. For me, this has been probably the hardest thing to accept. It's completely mind boggling to look back and realize the amount of times she lied right to my face with a smile on hers. Very very hurtful.

I can't speak for you guys but the ironic thing is in my ex's case at 37 years old she has no choice but TO lie about her past. It's sad really.

what did she lie about, out of interest?

- Her previous relationships and the grounds they ended on.

- The sheer amount of men she had previously been with.

- The details surrounding why she "unexpectedly" became pregnant and had two kids with two different men.

- The details of how she "unexpectedly" became pregnant a 3rd time with another man and had to have an abortion.

- That I was the first guy she had spend the night in her current place since she moved in a year and a half ago.

- That I was the first guy she had been intimate with since living there.

- Lying about sexual things such as "you're the first guy I've done that with".

- The reason she filed for bankruptcy for being 72K in debt.

-  The fact that she was dating someone while she was showing interest in me

- That she had never cheated on anyone all her life

- That she herself had been cheated on

Right down to lying about calling and cancelling her cable services before I moved in as I was transferring my cable package over - she never called and canceled. To the most ridicules examples like her watching me tear the kitchen apart one night for half an hour trying to find half a bag of pretzels I knew I had there. She said she must of accidentally thrown them out so after 30 minutes I gave up only to have her tell me two weeks later. Remember those pretzels you were looking for that one night? I actually ate them earlier that day while you were at work... .

I could go on with tones of other lies but they wouldn't make sense unless you knew her personally or our situation. Basically anything that had anything to do with her past what so ever. Pretty scary really. To realize you shared a house and a bed with someone who you knew NOTHING about but thought you knew so well. Scary and very, VERY hard to accept. Extremely hurtful.

[MysticK]

well, this is interesting. she lied when the truth would have been a better option. it is embarrassing to admit that i didn't even notice for years because it never occurred to me that somebody would lie so much, let alone about such inane topics. big lies. small lies. middling lies. just lots and lots and lots of lies. she once said, "you really are naïve when it comes to relationships." so it wasn't that she lacked awareness. she actually was surprised at how oblivious i was to it all. she would tell people she made the food for a dinner party that had been catered. she gave my mother a sweater and volunteered that she had done the hand-painted craftwork on it ... .   when she had not. she needed a $600 sewing machine to take up the hobby of quilting. she never used the sewing machine and then we paid one of her friends to sew the quilt. she probably told people that she made it, without so much as a blush.

early on, she came home with a "confession". the women in her department at the university were discussing their "collections" and she could not say why, and she was so very sorry but she told them she had 50 of this or that in her own collection and now they wanted to come over and see her collection. i told her we couldn't afford to support the lie. but i did, i am embarrassed to say, "reward" the lie by supplementing her collection significantly. only after i dumped her lying self did it dawn on me that, to this day, it is impossible to know whether she lied about the lie to boost her collection ... .   or whether she really lied in the first place.

how is that for lying?