Has an overly romanticed view of love someting to do with this?

[HarmKrakow]

Just wondering. I do acknowledge that in my ex BPD r/s i definitely had an overly romanticed view of love, so much more than in all my previous r/s causing me to write poems for my ex and do "typical romantic" stuff. Which obviously wasn't clever in hindsight.

I remember my ex telling me off because I havent loved someone truly superbly special.

[causticdork]

When I broke up with mine (due to her lying to me, stealing from me, and being generally pretty horrible) after a little over a year, she told me I didn't really ever love her and that maybe someday I'd have a kid or something and understand what it meant to actually love someone unconditionally.  I did love her unconditionally, and I spent our entire relationship showing her that.  According to her, because I ended things (after a lot of trying to work it out) that means my feelings changed and thus my love was conditional.  She can't fathom the notion that sometimes love means walking away when a situation is toxic. 

[VeryFree]

unconditionally

This word triggers me. I've heard that different times from my stbxw at times we could speak about our problems. Of course the problems didn't start with her, but with me: I couldn't love her unconditionally and therefore live with her behaviour.

In fact I did for a decade and even after this she had to dump me to get rid of me.  :'(

[wanttoknowmore]

Their overly romanticized view reflects their deep rooted longing to create a perfect loving relationship . This is because their chilhood was so imperfect.

This tendency is due to repeatedly trying to FIX that imperfection in their childhood.

They find a partner and develop a fantasy that this is the perfect one(knight in shining armor) but as time passes they see that this person is also imperfect and it destroys their fantasy and illusion. They have to discard this r/s and try again with another person again thinking that this one is the perfect one ... .   and this cycle keeps repeating with their unrealistic hope of perfect partner and r/s.  This is called REPEATITION COMPULSION.

Even if they go back to their Ex, the same exact pattern repeats because they have the same flawed fantasy. They will repeat the cycle with many many partners and everytime the same results will happen... .   only way out is intensive long term high quality therapy.

[marbleloser]

Unconditionally = I can do anything I want and you promise to keep loving me and never say a word about it.This is a one way thing,btw.If you make a mistake,you will pay dearly for it.Even if I just "perceive" a mistake.

There is no "unconditional love" or shouldn't be.That's how boundaries get crossed.Even with some children,the parents have to just let them go because of their bad choices or behaviour.

It's a trigger for me as well.

[causticdork]

It's a trigger for me now, thanks to my BPDex.  I used to think unconditional love meant that you would love them no matter what, but in order to love someone that much you have to love yourself first, which means you don't allow yourself to be treated like dirt.  That's precisely why I called it quits.  I told her I still love her very much, but I have too much self-respect to stay in this relationship.  She said to me, "Oh I know just how much self-respect you have. Trust me."  And she said it like it was a wicked burn.  I don't even know what that means.  Is she trying to make me feel bad for not being her personal punching bag? Am I supposed to beat myself up over it or something?

[Hellothere]

It's a trigger for me now, thanks to my BPDex.  I used to think unconditional love meant that you would love them no matter what, but in order to love someone that much you have to love yourself first, which means you don't allow yourself to be treated like dirt.  That's precisely why I called it quits.  I told her I still love her very much, but I have too much self-respect to stay in this relationship.  She said to me, "Oh I know just how much self-respect you have. Trust me."  And she said it like it was a wicked burn.  I don't even know what that means.  Is she trying to make me feel bad for not being her personal punching bag? Am I supposed to beat myself up over it or something?

In all honesty, now that the r/s is over it doesn't matter now, this is why nc Is so important after the breakup. They will play with your head until you reach breaking point BUT ONLY IF YOU LET THEM.  These things are now trivial, you have no obligations now that you are done so dont feel like you have in anyway, they are relying

On that- once they can see you have turned off your caring side trust me they will drop you like a lead balloon, then begins the real healing.

[trevjim]

Yes I think this is common in pwBPD, they are striving for the perfect Hollywood r/s, I started a thread before about fantasy and I think that links into this. I don't think mine could face up to the fact that real life isn't like movies. She even said 'I wish our relationship was like my friends'. She of course didn't see what went on behind closed doors in her friends relationships and thought what she did she was 24/7

[hithere]

Bottom line is that because of idealization and mirroring BPD's tend to bring out the best and worst in us.

That is the tragedy of this illness.

[Hellothere]

Bottom line is that because of idealization and mirroring BPD's tend to bring out the best and worst in us.

That is the tragedy of this illness.

So, so true. I have never tried so hard for someone as I did with her, only to fall harder then I ever had before.

[HarmKrakow]

Bottom line is that because of idealization and mirroring BPD's tend to bring out the best and worst in us.

That is the tragedy of this illness.

So, so true. I have never tried so hard for someone as I did with her, only to fall harder then I ever had before.

Yip. I've never tried so hard as anyone with my ex, and my ex was the only one from all my exes telling me, I was failing super hard.

[Hellothere]

Bottom line is that because of idealization and mirroring BPD's tend to bring out the best and worst in us.

That is the tragedy of this illness.

So, so true. I have never tried so hard for someone as I did with her, only to fall harder then I ever had before.

Yip. I've never tried so hard as anyone with my ex, and my ex was the only one from all my exes telling me, I was failing super hard.

So, so weird!

[Findingmysong723]

My Ex Boyfriend(undiagnosed borderline or borderline traits) would talk about finding "true love," but I don't think he knows what real love is. I remember when we were breaking up, he sent me an email basically saying that he wanted more than someone to hold hands with etc, inferring that I didn't want a serious relationship I only wanted someone so I could say "I have a boyfriend," totally not true. I admit that I had been single for a long time and it was an adjustment to be in a relationship that we ended up basically living together. (I had a key but wasn't paying rent, but bought food, cleaned, took care of pets etc.) As much as it was an adjustment, I was enjoying growing up and becoming part of a team.

I remember him telling me he didn't want kids early in the relationship and a few times after but  by the end of the relationship, telling me what if he wanted to have kids, and inferring I wasn't ready. Ironically, he has no patience, there is no way he could handle having kids right now, maybe in the future but only after therapy. I might not be ready for motherhood right this second but I have more experience with kids than he has. My Ex even asked me to come babysit his niece and nephew with him, we had broken up and were "just friends" but he asked me to come with. (Yes, we got together pretty soon after) I think his self esteem is so low that he wouldn't feel confident enough in himself to be a Dad right now.

He even told me that I had been closed off the whole relationship, I admit I had issues opening up to him a lot, but he was way more closed off than me! Also, it seemed that when he was "opening up to me," it was him telling me how worried he was about the future because of all the things I was doing or not doing. I know that he was projecting his issues onto me. I remember he wrote me a letter once when he was trying to figure out why he was getting so frustrated and treating me the way he was. My Ex told me that he had isolated himself for years and the he didn't respect himself and he didn't feel like he deserved loved. He was stressed before he met me but after he met me, the stress got worse, however he was so happy that he met me! I feel that letter was only time he really reached out admitted his own issues and how it affected our relationship. My Ex spoke about things he wanted to do to make him feel better and help the relationship, like going back to school etc but it never happened. He did start to do some things, but in the end therapy would of been what he needed. My Ex was also a recovering alcoholic so I thought a lot of his symptoms was because he was in recovering but so much seems to add up to him having Borderline or Borderline traits.

Sorry kinda rambled... . but just seemed to come out!

[sad but wiser]

Unconditionally = I can do anything I want and you promise to keep loving me and never say a word about it.This is a one way thing,btw.If you make a mistake,you will pay dearly for it.Even if I just "perceive" a mistake.

Marbleloser, this was it exactly.  There was a lot of convenient "mistake" perception, too.

Harm - you are right on track here!  Realize that we are also romantics, it is just that we want to give in the relationship.  We see romantic relationships as two people giving to and feeding each other emotionally.  BPD just sees the part about you feeding her (or in my case, him) and expects that that is appropriate.