This is right from the lessons ------->
The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationshipI think it is a good summary of what you are choosing to get into here.
I'll add, it's not clear cut to me to be 'staying' or not. I am committed to taking my best shot.
That is EXACTLY what the staying board is for--a commitment try and improve things. Not a commitment to stay in the relationship no matter what it does to yourself.
If she puts in 10%, I will put in 10x more as it's easier for me. I know how hard she struggles with tremendous anxiety and sensitivity.
I view it as you and she will both try to do your own personal best. You've got more and better tools in your mental/spiritual/emotional toolbox than she does.
If you give one carpenter a $3000 set of power and hand tools... . and give another carpenter a chewed up screwdriver and a bent hacksaw... . and watch them both can work really hard at building houses... . it shouldn't be a surprise that the one with good tools will get a lot more done, but not because the other one is "lazy."
I am semi retired at a young age and have been for a few years... . It's an almost unlimited amount of free time and that is scary as well as a blessing.
I know that feeling--I've also retired fairly young... . somehow free time doesn't always exist for me!
She's coming here next week.
It's a long distance relationshop... . she has one more child who will be college aged in about 2 years... . she would be happy living here and I also love where she is and I am comfortable living in two places. That part is actually appealing.
I'm confused. Is she coming for a visit, moving in, or planning to move in within a 2 years?
THanks for the link and I read the first part and will read the rest of the responses later. I get it. Am I up to the task? In many ways, yes. In some ways, no.
I have read most of what is out there and am pretty sure how I will deal with her not to trigger her biggest fear... . which is for me to give up. It's hard to talk about the future and not refer to her past behavior but I know it's pointless to make her feel bad and more than that, she gets it as much as she will get it and me repeating it as I often do, only makes it worse.
I am unclear of how much I share if at all about the things I am trying to do to make this work... . My sense is probably less is more. Is it crucial for her to know that she has BPD? I had mentioned it several times a few weeks ago and then stopped after reading it's not the way to go and again, repeating myself or talking louder will result in her hearing less.
But the interesting thing is she's never denied it even slightly. Clearly she knows it and it's just too painful to deal with and address at this very moment while she is struggling to get a new job and dig herself out of a bad financial situation.
I just had a video chat with her and it was interesting... . She made a point to tell me not to make fun of her for playing online Scrabble or Gin... . It was amazing how she felt that I had criticized her about this the other night when I barely remember making a joke... . something like, "oh, you are to tired to talk to me but can play online games" (to me this was as intense as talking about the weather! WHo cares? Yet her sensitivity to criticism is extreme... . And my sensitivity to criticism is actually similar... . I don't really like it in general and don't trust people who unnecessarily criticize me.
She is coming here Wednesday for a second round of job interview and is staying with me. She was reluctant to stay here as last tie I got so mad, I packed her bags and left them at a random hotel (oops)... . But the one thing she knows is that I would NEVER ever leave her in a situation in which she was unsafe. I told her she is welcome to stay with me and if there is a problem, I will pay for her hotel and expenses due to it... . I know this won't happen but I want her to know I am not going to put her in a situation in which she feels she is trapped.
Since this is all new that I am willing to reconnect in a serious way... . IT's what she has been wanting for a long time and I am willing to get past the insanity I went through the first time I reconnected with her last NYE... .
So the plan is for her to get this job that will allow her to travel between here and her home... . I can't commit more or faster obviously until I see her... . I hope she gets this job and works from here often... . and we can live together... . I have a great place and I would love to share it with her... .
The second stage is for me to live sometimes where she is... . it's on an island and I love it! Been there 15x and always wanted to live in two places
In an ideal world, we would do this for a few months (less than 1 year) and I would make it more 'official' and maybe buy a place down there or get a new place together.
I don't mind paying for more as I have more... . all i want from her is for her to be happy in her work. She loves to work. It's amazing... . I never did like to work really... . but I enjoy her enthusiasm her energy and well... . I really like watching her get dressed and go out to work while I sleep late and live the life of a lazy businessman turned artist.
We are sorta a perfect match... .
Both a bit quirky and extremely compatible in ways that are not easy to find.
One day at a time... . someone said that... .