Well she called again And I answered...

[rockhardabsman]

I am reposting this here in staying because I feel this is a prelude to a reconciliation and want some input.

So we are month and a half since I kicked her out of my house, (I've always been the dumper, I have strong boundaries). She tried calling me several times 2 weeks ago to which I ignored. Also found out from a friend she had been posting status updates indicating she missed me without mentioning me directly.

I wasn't expecting her call tonight but my phone rang a couple times and I answered it.

She started out asking me how I was doing, I was generally upbeat. She said her life is going really great (this i know is a lie... . she's been arrested, felony probations being violated, back to drugs and alcohol) Then she told me she was just calling because she wanted to hear my voice and make sure I was okay. She said she wanted to say sorry to me, said it wasn't right for her to be talking to those men on the phone, and I did warn her. Admitted that re-adding all the men on facebook helped destroy our relationship and she should have just deleted her facebook. Said it wasn't right of her accusing me of cheating all the time, because I did tell her that I was working a lot. She said she had been cheated on so many times in the past and it's hard for her to stop thinking that it's happening again if its not.

She then said she missed me and started crying, and said it a couple times. I just responded to her by saying, if that's true then prove it. She stopped crying and giggled a little bit for some reason. Then she asked when I was going to come by and pick up my motorcycle. I told her I didn't have time yet... . she kept pressing about it. I told her I'll get it when I get it, she said "well I saw through my sisters facebook you just got 3 more, you should be able to get it" --- AHA! She's been checking up on me through her sister. She finally just said, well I'll be here when you decide to come get it, best believe it.

Then there was a little deflection near the end saying some stuff about how I just need a good ladie, and she needs a good man. Not that I'm not a good man and that we weren't prepared to live together  right after her rehab. And she said "see how we are talking right now is good" and how when I find my next girlfriend I should talk to her like I'm doing now. I just told her I'm not going to talk about anything deep on the phone and if she misses me and wants to talk more then prove it to me. Somewhere in the conversation she called me "honey", don't remember where.

She ended the phone call saying that she was just calling because she wanted to hear my voice again and said "I love you". I regret responding "I love you too <name>", not that I don't it's just I gave her validation and  I didn't feel it was the right time to do so.

Anyway, despite all the attention she's getting from other men, I've been the only real one in her life, at least with true intentions. I've completely ignored her up until now, and have made no attempts at contacting her. Does this look like an attempt at trying to re-engage with me? I mean I wouldn't mind getting back together, I would continue to enforce my strong boundaries, and ONLY if she agrees to a few things.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Louise7777]

She will agree on anything you ask for now, so she can have you back.

Having you back = manipulate you, use you, lie to you.

I believe this is not what you want to read, but thats how I see it. Take care of yourself.

[fakename]

What Christina wrote makes me question something.

Do you really just fill ALL their relationships with using, lying, and manipulation?

If so, why?

I just don't know if I can believe that.

I can't imagine that all of their relationships being terrible?

[Louise7777]

Hey fakename!

I said that based on my experience and also on some of my readings. It doesnt mean Im right, though.

Since they have no empathy and are manipulative and self-centered, I think its all about them. I havent seen them worrying about others feelings or well-being. They suck you in and you end up feeling miserable.

From what I have seen, their relationships are not terrible if the other is a doormat (or a martyr or a savior). If you set a minor boundary, expect a rage attack and being painted black. They are 2 year olds emotionally, the world revolves around them. No mercy, no compassion for others.

Maybe I dealt with extreme cases and I got suspitious of all BPDs, but thats who I am and Ill do anything to protect my mental health and run away as fast as I can from them. 

[rockhardabsman]

I agree with you Christina only partially. I honestly believe the manipulation is subconsciously done. And they do love, just not the way you are I love.

Do I think this is based partially on need? Yes I do... . despite her saying her life is good... . I know that to be false. She's got a lot of bad stuff coming her way because she relapsed and is looking at jail time. I was the rock in her life. I was pretty much the only man that commanded respect and put up with very little bullcrap. I think at the end of the day, while they will go to a partner that lets them walk all over them, down inside they crave the man that keeps them contained. I mean they have no respect for those that allow them to walk all over them. I'm not one to be trifled with.

I'm very self aware, and pretty good at cold reading her after being with her so long. I do believe she misses me, I do believe she loves me in her own way, after all BPD's live in the moment, so for that moment I can believe it to be true, does it mean it's true right this moment? Who knows.

I know one thing, I have always kept the control, and still retain the control now. And should this be an attempt to recycle, she must be the one to put in the effort.

[fakename]

Hey Christina.

I agree with everything you said. I guess it's just me denying reality, or being hopefully or thinking that maybe I just wasn't a good fit for my ex which just has me thinking or believing that it can't really be like this... . you know?

I would like to think that one day she can have a normal relationship with someone.


Sorry to jack your thread rockhard -

About your convo - it sounded a lot like my ex.

Blaming others - did you catch how she justified how she can accuse you of cheating and you should allow it?

Manipulative - calling you honey, enticing you with sex if you came to get your motorcycle, saying the way we are talking right now is good and we can maintain it forever, we should give it another shot

She's only looking to have her immediate needs filled. If you want to go back to that ad think ou having strong boundaries will make life any different then go for it. It's your call and I just think you need to figure out if you want to live life in such a way.

(Sorry if I'm negative - I was just casually visiting from the leaving board.

[fakename]

I'm not sure why you say she must be the one to put in effort?

... . if you know the same thing is going to happen again the future, what's the point?

Is it to make her suffer or is it to manipulate her? Or it might be to satisfy your ego or maybe more likely to ease pain you've felt. I don't know.

That just doesn't seem healthy to me.

I've been in the same shoes. That she has to put in effort if she wants to get back with me. Maybe it was so she can prove to me and to herself that she actually loved me. But as I look at it now, it's pointless

[rockhardabsman]

fakename - yup I did catch the "justification" of the cheating. It was her explanation, but what was weird was how she followed it up with another I'm sorry because you did tell me you were going to be working a lot, and how she didn't understand initially why I was so tired when I got home from work. So it's more like she was justifying what she felt at that moment, but now is apologizing saying how it was wrong of her to think that way.

The ONLY part of the conversation I didn't understand was sandwiched in the middle was when she was talking about how I need a good lady, and she needs a good man, and then following up with not that our relationship wasn't great, and we arent great together. I didn't answer any of these questions and just let her change the subject. I'm assuming that was her way of subconsciously fishing for me to say something along the lines of "you are a good woman". But that's not going to happen. After that though she cried telling me she missed me and loves me... . so she's all over the place.

[rockhardabsman]

I'm not sure why you say she must be the one to put in effort?

... . if you know the same thing is going to happen again the future, what's the point?

Is it to make her suffer or is it to manipulate her? Or it might be to satisfy your ego or maybe more likely to ease pain you've felt. I don't know.

That just doesn't seem healthy to me.

I've been in the same shoes. That she has to put in effort if she wants to get back with me. Maybe it was so she can prove to me and to herself that she actually loved me. But as I look at it now, it's pointless

It's more about the fact that I've put in 90% in this relationship. She must make the effort for the simple fact that at this point words are meaningless. If the sorry's, I love you's, I miss you's are real, I want HER to make the effort to prove it... . I've proven myself. It's time for her to really prove it.

It's no game or ego stroke, it's the only thing that to me will prove sincerity.

[Pou]

You sound like a good guy.  from what I read on your post, the greatest thing that you did was kicking her out and stayed away.  She sounds manipulative and from my own experience from BPDs ... . they will do things to create drama in their lives.  And you may be just one of the players in her drama.  Keep her away and play it safe.  You do sound like you still have feeling for her ... . I may be wrong. 

[fakename]

Hahaha. Def. sounds like my ex.  And def all over the place. And def. knows how to word her sentences.

From my experience, while she first sad you need a good lady she really wanted to say first she needs a good man. Which she honesty feels. She was hoping to activate the good and savior in you by getting you to think 'I will be the good man' in your life

She said you need a good woman. I'm sure she believes that too, but just doesn't care most the time ad then sometimes knows she isn't good enough for you and sometimes wishes you'd tell she is good enough. She gets her confidence from you anyway.


After that, since you didn't bite the bait as maybe you used to, or maybe new guys might, it looks like she transitioned to more desperate and I'm such a victim of it all tactics.

Just my opinions on how I perceive my experiences with my ex

[fakename]

Rockhard. I know exactly how you feel on her having to show effort.

But for me, even when she did finally give me that effort or showed me she actually cared or whatever, it was short lived. I feel like I manipulated or manufactured it. Or she did what she had to to fill the temporary need. I don't know. That's why I said it was just pointless.

I remember one night I felt like the girl finally had the realization I was waiting for. Spend a while on he phone crying ad telling me she's been such a fool and she's had everything she's always wanted right with me. I forgot what movie she watched that sparked those feelings. But either way I felt like finally. I've waited forever to hear these things. But I also knew that shed change her mind again. I even told her I want to really enjoy hearing you say these things but I'm my going to get too excited cause you go back and forth too much. And sure enough the next day she did.

Pou - that's an interesting thought. Do they create the drama themselves or does it just happen? Are they only comfortable when there is drama and chaos?

[laelle]

As this is posted on the Staying board, how do you feel Rock about a possible reconciliation?  Its wise to start now reading the lessons on how to make things better, or to at least not make them worse. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

[Louise7777]

"All the world is a stage and we are merely players." (W.S.)

I felt helpless so many times, playing a role in a play I didnt write nor didnt want to take part in. Sometimes I was part of the audience.

Be very carefull not to be dragged in for more of the same.

[rockhardabsman]

As this is posted on the Staying board, how do you feel Rock about a possible reconciliation?  Its wise to start now reading the lessons on how to make things better, or to at least not make them worse. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

yes I would welcome a possible reconciliation depending on how things go. I guess the only thing I'm confused about is if this was her attempt at reconciliation. I mean it seems like she's trying to patch things up. I guess I don't know what to expect going forward from here from her side.

[rockhardabsman]

Well one thing is clear from all this. I'm not split black as she's been missing me etc. Been 4 days, haven't heard back. Maybe asking her to make an effort was too much for her or maybe I'm impatient expecting something too quickly.

How should I interpret my phone call, and what should I do going forward?

I know I could have her back in a red hot second if I went over to her house, but is it too much to ask for her to put effort in if she really does miss me, love me, etc like she says?

[fakename]

I don't know your relationship or either of you personally so I can only go off my own experience in which case I believe you're looking for something that just isn't there.

If you want to be with her you can't think about your needs or what you want. You have to just accommodate to her neverending needs and swings and find satisfaction in whatever she offers. Be prepared for irrationality and anger and being abandoned at any moment no matter how much you give. And be prepared to feel pain.

And sure you can get her back in one hot second as you say cause you're not split black and they live moment by moment and are impulsive and you can temporarily meet her needs.

[Pou]

Pou - that's an interesting thought. Do they create the drama themselves or does it just happen? Are they only comfortable when there is drama and chaos?

Unfortunately from my own experience and from what I read and learned is that NPD and BPD will create drama bases on their own experience in the past.  Now, don't try to figure out how, because I think that would be a lifetime of work.  What you can do the best is just know that by being with your ex, you can expect endless senseless drama and they are very very illogical.  For a person who is sensible and try to grow together, it can really damage you if you don't put things in perspective constantly.  If I am you, I would not listen to anything she has to say, because she can turn this drama easily on another... .   Hate to say it, but she is treating you like a prey and will lure you back in doing and saying anything.  Good luck.