Testing 1, 2 3... I think it worked

[Hurt llama]

whew... .   as some of you may know I am finally willing to try to see if my ex and I could have a go at it again.

I've been learning as much as I can here and just had a chance to 'test' the tools, if you will.

Here's what happened... . She's at a big family event far from home... . She is texting me about it and then says she might have gotten a new client... . I ask about the details and she said she met the client there and he offered to fly her out to go over some of the details of the possible business.

I was immediately and extremely uncomfortable reading this and I asked a few questions... .   Is he single? etc... . She replies she thinks he's gay. (yeah right)

I dont want to start a drama and at the same time as I think about this the more it's just not ok with me but on the other hand, it's not up to me anyway... .

So I start: "Um, not sure how to say this but that makes me uncomfortable

Her: The world is made up of men and women.

Me: Obviously. But all I know is I am using that line next time I try to pick someone up (attempt at humor)

HEr: I can see if he were the tall dark handsome type maybe I would be suspicious

Me: Listen, bottom line is you do what you think is best. But it not only makes me uncomfortable but honestly is this the best way to even approach a business transaction anyway? As if you can't afford your own airfare? Sorry but not sure if I am out of line here but I have to be honest and this just doesn't sound right.

Her: Ugh sounds horrible

Me: it really does... .   i am not trying to be a jerk here... .  

Her: No ur not. Then I'm Glad I shared it with you. Thank you for your input.

Me: Whew... . I am trying to communicate things a bit differently.

Her: You are doing a great job.

=====

Now the difference in this conversation compared to the usual, is that I really can see that she was not saying this to upset me or make me jealous... . In the past that's all I would see. She's not a cheater in the classic sense at all yet there are concerns that will ultimately be worked out as obviously I cannot tolerate certain things... . the key is to express them in a way that has a chance to be heard... .

She is a pragmatic business woman and I am as well but this was a bit tough and tricky for me to handle.

I give her credit how she handled it... . and I did ok too. : >

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GreenMango]

I think its a good thing you were able to express your concern with her.  It looks like it went better.

Jealousy feels really awful - good to talk yourself through that too. 

[Hurt llama]

I think its a good thing you were able to express your concern with her.  It looks like it went better.

Jealousy feels really awful - good to talk yourself through that too. 

thanks GM, this whole process of trying is like rediscovering not only her but more importantly, myself.

I will give her credit that literally not one time since I met her, even with the nightmare at the very beginning did she ever act or say anything other than she wants to be with me and considers me her soulmate... .

That's not to say she didn't exhibit the idealization phase and I felt it, addressed that it was a potential problem (without even having any idea of BPD)... .

She is extremely stubborn in her absolute refusal to budge at all in her belief that we belong together. It's actually amazing when I see it that way.

One of the first things she said to me was that she had a horrible fear of abandonment... . I didn't even hear it. Then she acted in ways that made me uncomfortable and was such a critical nightmare that my reaction was that if this doesn't change, I am leaving... . and so the crazy circle dance begun and ended horribly.

I've decided this course of action to try to make it work, is not just about us but about what for me is a logical progression and knowing that this is really the final frontier in doing all that I can, in a reasonable self aware way.

She does need me now, as she is trying to get a new job and has almost zero cushion. I hate that I (put myself) into the position of a business deal turning into a loan, which she is totally good for. But if she was out of money and with that added stress, I know she would be in panic attack mode hiding under the bed.

She's here in two days... .  

[briefcase]

thanks GM, this whole process of trying is like rediscovering not only her but more importantly, myself.

That's exactly right!  We focus much more on ourselves here on the Staying Board than on our partners who have BPD (as counterintuitive as that may seem). 

I'm glad you're communication with her is improving.  Keep reading the Lessons and studying the communication workshops.  The tools here generally help things right away! 

[Hurt llama]

Thanks Briefcase... . I do need to read the Lessons again and keep them around. And it's good that you agree with how I am approaching this whole thing as more about me than her. To me that makes this process more 'selfish', in a good way and not about codependency. Which I clearly see has developed over  the years.

The fact we are far from each other and the anxiety that comes back when I think of her being in the world as a 'single' and attractive woman who easily attracts me is changing a bit. I obviously can't control her and from what I have seen over the years is that she is not the crazy cheater or even the sociopath I thought she was.

There is an order of thought with her... . I can clearly see her extreme anxiety has kept her frozen, terrified and I don't know how she even made it through many days... .   Now she is on 10-20 mg of Lexapro and is moving forward each day and in a weak (in my opinion) therapy in which she has not yet been very open to the therapist and tells me she tells the therapist "what she needs to know".

Rather than to criticize that or even laugh at it, i gently suggest it might be more insightful and helpful to open up more but you of course need to do what you can do at your own pace.

Most importantly, I am making a conscious effort to not text all day and be so connected... . It's not healthy for either of us or with anyone in such extreme contact.

So I am taking care of business, knocking things off the to do list and just trying to think less about all of this... .

Pretty easy to improve when I would have estimated my thoughts about her and us as taking over 90% of my brain power unless I was concentrating on doing something else.

Thanks for reading all this and the posts.

[Hurt llama]

If anyone can shed what I am 'supposed' to be doing (if anything) in sharing any of this with her?

Is it ok to just do what I think is best not really worry about the rest.

My gut tells me that the right way is simply doing what I need to do to take care of my own concerns (as I did yesterday re some random male client offering to pay for her to fly to him... .   (yuck and )

I am trying hard not to think into the future... . Because if I do, there is nothing that will encourage me as i only have basis of past to guage the future... . and dont have any history of approaching things with the mindfullness that I am trying to develope now.

but to be very honest... . it's pretty frightening regardless.

Can't see any other way to operate... . including breaking off contact... . that won't be good for me or her without trying this mindful approach first.

Wish I didnt have to... .  

[briefcase]

If anyone can shed what I am 'supposed' to be doing (if anything) in sharing any of this with her?

For right now, I think you are right to focus more on yourself and your own needs.  Part of that will include expressing some of your needs to her.  You can use the communication skills taught here to do that-SET, DEARMAN, etc.  As far as what to talk to her about, start with only a few important things that your gut says need to be addressed.

[Hurt llama]

If anyone can shed what I am 'supposed' to be doing (if anything) in sharing any of this with her?

For right now, I think you are right to focus more on yourself and your own needs.  Part of that will include expressing some of your needs to her.  You can use the communication skills taught here to do that-SET, DEARMAN, etc.  As far as what to talk to her about, start with only a few important things that your gut says need to be addressed.

BC,

Very appreciated... .   I am winging it and just trying to as you say deal with the 'important' things.

She's coming here tomorrow... .   and we were video chatting and she nonchalantly mentioned that her ex bf, (the one she rebounded with after I refused to commit to her), called her to try to start back up.

She had been in a 10 month relationship that clearly was a rebound, he's 25 years older and I am sure a decent guy, as she doesn't date loser bad guys as many BPD people seem to.

During their 10 months together there were 4x they 'broke up'... .   3 of those times she slept with me and and finally I was willing to start back up but she panicked and it didn't happen... .   Then she came here a few weeks ago... .   again they 'broke up', I was a bit over reactive to some things and I was mean to her telling her how I had a date that monday... . Long story short when she got back she disappeared for a day and in formed me that she's dating... .   I found out later that it never happened and she was just trying to get me back i suppose... .   This was the impetus to join the forum as it upset me so much I could not stop texting her and calling her every bad name in the book.

Then she went back for one final time with the bf, and he wanted her to move in, made a really lame 'offer' to her (not her style at all) and the whole thing finally sounded as ridiculous as it is and she said, it's got nothing to do wiht me but they are done. He's not for her and she's not for him. I believe her.

But for her to mention he reached out to her, set me off... .   at one point I was yelling, but I quickly reeled it in as in reality, in truth, she's been pursuing me hard for years and I reject her every time yet I do maintain connection and we are intimate together on these rare occassions.

It was quite a test last night... . She didn't react to me yelling... .   I quickly knew this was not going to do anything good for either of us and I finally just calmly said,,"There is no reason, nothing good you can expect in telling me a word about him. I am not threatened. But since you brought it up there is only one thing I want to hear... .   that you told him it is over and that you are dating me. but even that doesnt matter to me.

I so tried to get her to see how if the situation were reversed she would flip out... .   she was trying to get it... .   but she just said, "I love, you , I have always wanted to be with you"

Anyway, I took a breath and later last night sent a very clear email... . Trying to explain it from my perspective and here's her response:

"I didn't think it was possible, but I love you more each day. I listen to you and you're actually making sense now. No offense, but before a lot of it was noise. I want you to be happy. We're adding in a good direction. Thank you for all your work and patience and for taking a leap of faith."

===

I wrote back... .   Thank you. It's not that I am making sense now. It takes two of us to work on new ways of communicating effectively... . And umm, no I was not just making 'noise' in the past, it was the simple fact you would shut me down, refuse to read my emails or listen to me for more than 5 minutes. I am glad we are starting to communicate better... . As far as your 'ex' is concerned, really in the end, I can only say to you, don't share information about him or any other ex again, just as you would not want to hear about my (endless) lists too. ()

anyway,, I did my best... . she did her best... . The woman loves me madly... . i can't deny it's true even if I want to. I love her and feel that i am doing the right thing to give this the old college try.

As I am learning... .   she approaches this things from an extremely immature place.

the question that I don't know is if I can handle it and if I have the kind of personality to deal with it... .   I am a very good communicator. I am a grounded person and I am very reassuring... . but I am human and I have a temper and who knows how this will play out.

I have a headache... .   and to her this was an almost nothing non thing... .  

[GreenMango]

If hearing about HL check out those two tools briefcase mentioned SET & DEARMAN in the lessons. 

Obviously the ex is distressing for you and how its being handled hurts.  Can you practice approaching it using SET or Dearman here in this thread?

[Hurt llama]

If hearing about HL check out those two tools briefcase mentioned SET & DEARMAN in the lessons. 

Obviously the ex is distressing for you and how its being handled hurts.  Can you practice approaching it using SET or Dearman here in this thread?

I think i did... .   I winged it and I guess it "worked"... .